There have been many times that I have wanted to give up, but something continues to cut a path through the thick and thin of life. I have recently been struggling with the fact that My girlfriend and I are on a break because I truly love her very much. There have been points during this break where I thought that I was going to literally go insaine from not being able to talk,text, write, send flowers, or love not only my girlfriend but another thing that she is... My best friend.
As I began to search for answers, I began to pray and seek God in this time. I realized how distant I had been from him. Yeah I am the worship leader at my church and yeah I say that I am a christian and trying to live an upright life, but in all reality, I was not even close to my father in heaven. I began to pray and ask God why he was doing this. Why had he allowed her to hold hands with another guy? why she wants to take a break and seek after you to get on fire for you, but cant do that with me? And then it dawned on me. Maybe we need to be apart so that God and myself along with Naomi and God can have a closer more intamite relationship. Yes we had God in our relationship but like she said " I dont just want God in our relationship I want him to be at the top of our relationship."
I believe God has given me answers in this time apart from the one I love. Number one I need to quit treating her like an Idol because God will tear down our Idols to give us clean hands. Even if something is Godly, we can turn it into something that is not and I beleive that is what happened because God needs to be in the relationship at all times not just some of the time.
Another thing that he showed me is that I need to fear him because he is in control of everything and in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away. God is a jelouse God and for good reason, he died on the cross for us so that we could be with him.
I have been reading my bible regularly now and seeking after God. He has shown me things in the bible like be still and know that I am God. He showed me this when I was struggling with the thought of maybe she left me for this month to have a fling with another guy. He also showed me that I need to have humility in the site of God. I am no better than anyone else, not even the biggest sinner because to God all sin is the same big or small sprinkled our doust it is the same to him.
He reminded me that I need to be forgiving and understanding, because I dont know what he is doing in other peoples lives and it is not my job to judge what I really dont understand. Like for instance my girlfriends brother is in teen challenge. The family has been praying for him for years and he finally made the decision to go in. Since he went in the mother and father have went to see him every saturday which is like a 80 mile trip all together, and they go to his church services that the program is in, plus things like banquets. I not understanding got frusterated with this because they didnt put this much effort into seeing there daughter or there other son. I let Naomi know this a few times and she tended to agree with me. Now was she agreeing with me because she really did agree or was it because she just wanted me to shut up is a different story. But now on this break, I have had my eyes opened to this issue and I feel guilty for judging. Instead of saying why are they not puttin this much effort into Naomi and her other brother, I should be thanking God for the support team that Alan has behind him. They are not just there for Alan but for the other guys there as well who dont have anyone.
One the same note I had my eyes open to the jealousy that I have been portraying without even thinking about it because Naomi and I only get one day a week to see eachother which is a saturday because she works at a camp as a vbs coordinator and goes all over the state to do them. So saturday was the day I got with her. WE didnt get much together this summer because we had family things we had to go to but at least we were together when we went to them. But I got jealous of her and Alan because every saturday she would go see him from 12-2. I thought she should want to be with me instead. This is a greedy thought that should have never entered my mind.
These things have been putting guilt and shame into my heart and I want to make them right! During this break with Naomi I am not able to talk to her, but I am able to talk to her family. I wrote her brother a 3 page letter letting him know that I am very sorry for my selfish behavior and that instead of being jealous of him and Naomi I should be thanking God for the relationship that they have. I told him I love him and thank God that he is in the care of teen challenge. Obviously there was more but that was the major part of it.
I also had this urge to call her parents and set up a meeting to discuss how I am feeling and somethings that I am seeing though Gods eyes while on this break. We are meeting on monday so if you would pray for that, that would be wonderful.
There is a teen challenge graduation on thursday of this week and I am going because I thought of this. That letter was not good enough and does not show that I am committed to him and God so I am going to show up and meet with Alan on thursday and sit with his parents. I really dont want Naomi to know because I really want to do this for me and not for her. I am doing this because I need to love the family and let them know that I care much. Naomi isnt going to be able to see her brother anymore till November because she has since changed to doing an adventure camp for this camp but they go up to mink lake which is by Canada and they wont be done with the final show when they get back to the regular camp till like noon on saturday.
Instead of Naomi going and meeting with Alan on Saturdays, I will be asking him if I can meet with him and see how he is doing, pray and play games with him. I love Alan and I want the best for him, and I want to be part of his life as well as the family not just Naomi.
Before we took this break, Naomi and I met to discuss concerns and doubts about eachother. It went great and I want to let you know I have been working and praying over them since I got them. we exchanged the papers via email before the break so that we could work on them before reuniting.
I have had a clean room, car, and bathroom for three weeks and want to continue that. I am seeking after God for his direction and his path and want to do divotions with her when we get back together, I want to be even more of a family person than I am, I am working on her love language and what I can do to fullfill that, God has given me a heart of love and committment not of control over Naomi and I will let that be know. There are many more, but the overpowering thing in this situation is I am doing this to better myself and to become closer to God. I am not doing this all for Naomi, I would be lying if I told you there was none of it for Naomi but it has switched from all for Naomi to all for God!
I miss Naomi very much and sometimes Satan fills my head with thoughts that are not true. She is committed to me even with the little mistake she made, but more importantly, she is committed to God and I thank him for that. It isnt an easy road during this time. Actually it is a very humbling one and one that doesnt always feel good. But God is faithful for those who call on his name, and I have faith (even when I dont feel it) that God will reinstate this relationship and make it more Godly than ever.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for pointing out these things to me. Even though it is hard to swallow sometimes God it is all for the betterment of me. I pray for Naomi that she is not falling to temptation during this time, but really seeking your face. God thank you for opening my eyes to my failures. Thank you for being with me in this time of struggle and hurt. I know you have a plan for me and for Naomi and I. God you are the creater of the Universe and the one that lives in us. I pray that I will put these lessons you are teaching me into practice and that it will be for your glory and not mine. I love you Lord and even though I am scared and sometimes doubt, God you are in control and are watching over her and me. WE love and I love you master. In Jesus Precious Name! Amen!
As I began to search for answers, I began to pray and seek God in this time. I realized how distant I had been from him. Yeah I am the worship leader at my church and yeah I say that I am a christian and trying to live an upright life, but in all reality, I was not even close to my father in heaven. I began to pray and ask God why he was doing this. Why had he allowed her to hold hands with another guy? why she wants to take a break and seek after you to get on fire for you, but cant do that with me? And then it dawned on me. Maybe we need to be apart so that God and myself along with Naomi and God can have a closer more intamite relationship. Yes we had God in our relationship but like she said " I dont just want God in our relationship I want him to be at the top of our relationship."
I believe God has given me answers in this time apart from the one I love. Number one I need to quit treating her like an Idol because God will tear down our Idols to give us clean hands. Even if something is Godly, we can turn it into something that is not and I beleive that is what happened because God needs to be in the relationship at all times not just some of the time.
Another thing that he showed me is that I need to fear him because he is in control of everything and in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away. God is a jelouse God and for good reason, he died on the cross for us so that we could be with him.
I have been reading my bible regularly now and seeking after God. He has shown me things in the bible like be still and know that I am God. He showed me this when I was struggling with the thought of maybe she left me for this month to have a fling with another guy. He also showed me that I need to have humility in the site of God. I am no better than anyone else, not even the biggest sinner because to God all sin is the same big or small sprinkled our doust it is the same to him.
He reminded me that I need to be forgiving and understanding, because I dont know what he is doing in other peoples lives and it is not my job to judge what I really dont understand. Like for instance my girlfriends brother is in teen challenge. The family has been praying for him for years and he finally made the decision to go in. Since he went in the mother and father have went to see him every saturday which is like a 80 mile trip all together, and they go to his church services that the program is in, plus things like banquets. I not understanding got frusterated with this because they didnt put this much effort into seeing there daughter or there other son. I let Naomi know this a few times and she tended to agree with me. Now was she agreeing with me because she really did agree or was it because she just wanted me to shut up is a different story. But now on this break, I have had my eyes opened to this issue and I feel guilty for judging. Instead of saying why are they not puttin this much effort into Naomi and her other brother, I should be thanking God for the support team that Alan has behind him. They are not just there for Alan but for the other guys there as well who dont have anyone.
One the same note I had my eyes open to the jealousy that I have been portraying without even thinking about it because Naomi and I only get one day a week to see eachother which is a saturday because she works at a camp as a vbs coordinator and goes all over the state to do them. So saturday was the day I got with her. WE didnt get much together this summer because we had family things we had to go to but at least we were together when we went to them. But I got jealous of her and Alan because every saturday she would go see him from 12-2. I thought she should want to be with me instead. This is a greedy thought that should have never entered my mind.
These things have been putting guilt and shame into my heart and I want to make them right! During this break with Naomi I am not able to talk to her, but I am able to talk to her family. I wrote her brother a 3 page letter letting him know that I am very sorry for my selfish behavior and that instead of being jealous of him and Naomi I should be thanking God for the relationship that they have. I told him I love him and thank God that he is in the care of teen challenge. Obviously there was more but that was the major part of it.
I also had this urge to call her parents and set up a meeting to discuss how I am feeling and somethings that I am seeing though Gods eyes while on this break. We are meeting on monday so if you would pray for that, that would be wonderful.
There is a teen challenge graduation on thursday of this week and I am going because I thought of this. That letter was not good enough and does not show that I am committed to him and God so I am going to show up and meet with Alan on thursday and sit with his parents. I really dont want Naomi to know because I really want to do this for me and not for her. I am doing this because I need to love the family and let them know that I care much. Naomi isnt going to be able to see her brother anymore till November because she has since changed to doing an adventure camp for this camp but they go up to mink lake which is by Canada and they wont be done with the final show when they get back to the regular camp till like noon on saturday.
Instead of Naomi going and meeting with Alan on Saturdays, I will be asking him if I can meet with him and see how he is doing, pray and play games with him. I love Alan and I want the best for him, and I want to be part of his life as well as the family not just Naomi.
Before we took this break, Naomi and I met to discuss concerns and doubts about eachother. It went great and I want to let you know I have been working and praying over them since I got them. we exchanged the papers via email before the break so that we could work on them before reuniting.
I have had a clean room, car, and bathroom for three weeks and want to continue that. I am seeking after God for his direction and his path and want to do divotions with her when we get back together, I want to be even more of a family person than I am, I am working on her love language and what I can do to fullfill that, God has given me a heart of love and committment not of control over Naomi and I will let that be know. There are many more, but the overpowering thing in this situation is I am doing this to better myself and to become closer to God. I am not doing this all for Naomi, I would be lying if I told you there was none of it for Naomi but it has switched from all for Naomi to all for God!
I miss Naomi very much and sometimes Satan fills my head with thoughts that are not true. She is committed to me even with the little mistake she made, but more importantly, she is committed to God and I thank him for that. It isnt an easy road during this time. Actually it is a very humbling one and one that doesnt always feel good. But God is faithful for those who call on his name, and I have faith (even when I dont feel it) that God will reinstate this relationship and make it more Godly than ever.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for pointing out these things to me. Even though it is hard to swallow sometimes God it is all for the betterment of me. I pray for Naomi that she is not falling to temptation during this time, but really seeking your face. God thank you for opening my eyes to my failures. Thank you for being with me in this time of struggle and hurt. I know you have a plan for me and for Naomi and I. God you are the creater of the Universe and the one that lives in us. I pray that I will put these lessons you are teaching me into practice and that it will be for your glory and not mine. I love you Lord and even though I am scared and sometimes doubt, God you are in control and are watching over her and me. WE love and I love you master. In Jesus Precious Name! Amen!