Ive been deep in thought about different things lately. Mostly about myself as a person, how I see myself, how I think other people see me, my self esteem and Christianity.
I have been doing a bit of self discovery, I have been 100% honest with myself and i realised a lot of things. I know that people arent going to agree with me on all comments and stuff, but i still welcome the comments if you want to express your thoughts and opinions.
I realised that Im ok, that I am worthy of love, that I am worthy of attention, that I am worthy of sooo many friendships. I realised I had really low self esteem, and I read a little bit about self esteem and how people come to have such low self esteem and what i found was really quite interesting. Im not going to go into massive detail but basically its not our fault, its what people basically put on us and how they make us feel that determines how we feel about ourself. If your parents tell you that you are no good, that you are pathetic and nothing but a pain in the [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth], then thats what you will believe. If you end up with a guy or a girl that doesnt trust you and is always questioning you and telling you that they can leave you at anytime and your not even worth the trouble they are going to, then youa re going to believe that you cant be trusted, that you arent loveable, that you are not worthy. And sometimes its the little things that can bring us down.
The way my last relationship was, I thought that no one would ever find me physically attractive, that no one would give me the time of day because of the way he treated me and the way he made me feel. But its only now, a year later, that I have realised that even though Im not skinny or anything, some people still do find me attractive. I realised that hey, I do have a cool personality and I dont have to change myself for ANYONE. After we broke up I was so anti relationship because I was afraid to let anyone get close enough to make me feel as low as I did during that, and I figured if I dont get interested then I cant be let down when i realise that they only like skinny girls. WHich is actually a really stupid way of looking at things. Now that I am working on myself I am open to anything, I say, BRING IT ON lol. I also realised that people dont look at me and see a disgusting lump of fat that is nothing but an ugly waste of space, the people with personality, the people who dont look at things with face value actually like having me around. No matter how annoying i can sometimes be
I have been thinking a lot about what i 100% honestly think of Christianity. I couldnt figure out why I would go back and forth, on the rails, off the rails until I had a good thing about it the other week. It doesnt feel right which might come as a shock to 2 people reading this (LoL), I know you are going to say that its the devil putting doubt into my mind but i truly dont think it is. I never have doubted the existance of God and his love for us, its the rest that doesnt feel right to me. I dont like the fact that people dictate how we should worship God and how our relationship should be with him, and the pressure to obey every single law in the Bible is crazy! A lot of the time the actual point of it all is lost in the quest to be as sinless as possible. I dont want to put all my trust and value in words written on a page, and people interperate it all differently anyways, why wouldnt I just go straight to the source? I have enough faith to believe that if God doesnt want me to do something, he will show me, he will let me know. I dont feel comfortable with the worship of Jesus either, I understand that he is meant to be God in the flesh, but I dont think the flesh should be worshipped. I understand that he was sent to lead an example for the people, and reconnect them with God, but worship? It was commanded that we should have no other idols but the Lord almighty in the heaven, yet we worship the flesh that was sent down to earth to show us the way. I dont feel we should worship the flesh, worship that mighty spirit in the sky, the power of everything. So many churches focus on Jesus and it doesnt feel right to me.
So yer, thems the words.
I have been doing a bit of self discovery, I have been 100% honest with myself and i realised a lot of things. I know that people arent going to agree with me on all comments and stuff, but i still welcome the comments if you want to express your thoughts and opinions.
I realised that Im ok, that I am worthy of love, that I am worthy of attention, that I am worthy of sooo many friendships. I realised I had really low self esteem, and I read a little bit about self esteem and how people come to have such low self esteem and what i found was really quite interesting. Im not going to go into massive detail but basically its not our fault, its what people basically put on us and how they make us feel that determines how we feel about ourself. If your parents tell you that you are no good, that you are pathetic and nothing but a pain in the [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth], then thats what you will believe. If you end up with a guy or a girl that doesnt trust you and is always questioning you and telling you that they can leave you at anytime and your not even worth the trouble they are going to, then youa re going to believe that you cant be trusted, that you arent loveable, that you are not worthy. And sometimes its the little things that can bring us down.
The way my last relationship was, I thought that no one would ever find me physically attractive, that no one would give me the time of day because of the way he treated me and the way he made me feel. But its only now, a year later, that I have realised that even though Im not skinny or anything, some people still do find me attractive. I realised that hey, I do have a cool personality and I dont have to change myself for ANYONE. After we broke up I was so anti relationship because I was afraid to let anyone get close enough to make me feel as low as I did during that, and I figured if I dont get interested then I cant be let down when i realise that they only like skinny girls. WHich is actually a really stupid way of looking at things. Now that I am working on myself I am open to anything, I say, BRING IT ON lol. I also realised that people dont look at me and see a disgusting lump of fat that is nothing but an ugly waste of space, the people with personality, the people who dont look at things with face value actually like having me around. No matter how annoying i can sometimes be
I have been thinking a lot about what i 100% honestly think of Christianity. I couldnt figure out why I would go back and forth, on the rails, off the rails until I had a good thing about it the other week. It doesnt feel right which might come as a shock to 2 people reading this (LoL), I know you are going to say that its the devil putting doubt into my mind but i truly dont think it is. I never have doubted the existance of God and his love for us, its the rest that doesnt feel right to me. I dont like the fact that people dictate how we should worship God and how our relationship should be with him, and the pressure to obey every single law in the Bible is crazy! A lot of the time the actual point of it all is lost in the quest to be as sinless as possible. I dont want to put all my trust and value in words written on a page, and people interperate it all differently anyways, why wouldnt I just go straight to the source? I have enough faith to believe that if God doesnt want me to do something, he will show me, he will let me know. I dont feel comfortable with the worship of Jesus either, I understand that he is meant to be God in the flesh, but I dont think the flesh should be worshipped. I understand that he was sent to lead an example for the people, and reconnect them with God, but worship? It was commanded that we should have no other idols but the Lord almighty in the heaven, yet we worship the flesh that was sent down to earth to show us the way. I dont feel we should worship the flesh, worship that mighty spirit in the sky, the power of everything. So many churches focus on Jesus and it doesnt feel right to me.
So yer, thems the words.