I had wanted to post something happy today, but I'm not seeing that happening. I'm just in a very sober mood right now. I'm not really sure why, but if I had to guess it's because I miss Oak and Eric and I really just want a hug right now. Not a virtual one, but a real one, in person that I can actually feel. Anyway, I wanted to say a bit about myself. Tell about how I got to where I am today. All the little things that piled up over time and put me where I am today.
Online I go by Beth, its not a lie when I say that's my name, its just not the name I go by in person. But for the time being you can call me Beth, Shadow or Knight. I probably favor Shadow because its a nickname my friends gave me when I was about seven or eight. Seems like that's the age my whole life went crazy. Between the ages of 4-9 my life had a number of changes. In those five years my house burned down, I changed churches, started homeschooling, skipped a grade and lost my granny to cancer. I think it was my granny's death that started my life going downhill because even at a young age (She died a month or two after I turned seven) I understood more than most. I'd grown up on crime shows, not cartoons. People always said I look and act older than I am so while my parents thought I wouldn't understand what was going on I probably would have. Maybe not all of it, but they didn't have to keep it a secret. I understood she had cancer and was dying but that was all they would tell me. Seven years later, I still don't know the details. But I think that started it because they were keeping things from me, and that's something I've always hated. It's not secrets I hate, it's just that I had the right to know what was going on but no one would tell me.
That's happened with another two major events in my life since then. When my dad and sister were on their way to work on the motorcycle and got hit by a pick up truck again people hid the details from me. They thought they were doing me a favor by not risking me getting hurt from the pain of knowing the extent of it but in the long run, I think this is worse. The other time is when my aunt and uncle got divorced. They wouldn't tell me anything because for some reason they thought I wouldn't understand divorce. I was young but not that young. I was 11, I was old enough to understand, I could understand but they wouldn't tell. The secrets are what hurt me. Because no one would tell me anything and I was getting mad.
I didn't notice for a long time because I wasn't that mad. But eventually the things add up and I saw how mad I was and that just made it worse. Because I didn't want to be mad and that just made the anger worse. Then my sister moved to FL to be with her fiance, who I think my whole family except her hates, just made it worse. She'd been one of my best friends, but when she met Garland (not changing his name cause I don't give a crap about keeping him safe like I do my friends) she just gave up everything. Left her family, left her job, left college all for some stupid, lying leech. That hurt big time cause she just abandoned me, didn't even wait for me to get home from camp to say goodbye. Sure my parents were kicking Garland out cause that's why he went to FL (to live with his parents) but she didn't have to leave yet. She could have stayed behind and waited but nope. She went with him. That was about the time I lost my trust in them. My sis has gained a bit of trust back but Garland, I won't ever trust him. He lied about having been in the Air Force, he lied about working for forestry, he lied about working for Disney, he lied and said he was 30 something then now that we know its a lie he's making a big deal about being 29 and he's like "I'm not old yet!" It's a buncha s- can't say that word. So that [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed me off and made my life worse. The only good thing about them going to FL is I didn't have to live with him anymore. Too bad he's back and leeching off us again.
Then I start having guy problems. I think I like John waaaaay more than I really do. For a year I think that. Then I finally accept that he doesn't like me and I'm already falling for another guy. A guy who actually pays a little attention to me but to a hormonal teenage girl, that little bit of attention is like he's giving me the world. That is until about six or seven months later and I start seeing that he never acts like he likes me. He said he does, but he never talks to me anymore. His reason for liking me is that I have a "cool" personality? How did I ever think that passed as good? Specially when I met Eric, someone who tells me he likes me, says I'm nice, sweet, caring, nonjudgmental, easy to get a long with, beautiful and more. He talks to me all the time, always makes an effort to call and is just an over all amazing guy. He does have flaws, I'm not saying he's perfect. He's not Superman. He does drink, he does smoke, he used to do drugs and used to crossdress. Neither of us claim to be perfect. Because neither of us are. No one is, and I'm glad because perfect people, they shouldn't exist.
Let me back up a minute. In those six or seven months after I let go of John and before I met Nico there was another guy. Someone I'd slightly forgotten about, but could never really forget about. James is a guy I've known since 3rd grade and from then until during that time frame I had a crush on him. A huge one, I mean it lasted from 3rd grade to 10th grade and during that time, when he came back into my life and I liked Nico, it was torture for me because my brain and my heart couldn't deal with two guys. So I had to let go of someone, but I couldn't let go of either of them. I had dreams about Nico, dreams where if I lost him I'd lose myself. But James has been in my life for so long, it's just not something I can do. I did however let go of the attachment to him and I'm glad I did. Because now I can see him as more of a brother than anything and I think it's a lot better like that. Don't get me wrong, I still think he's really cute, but I'm not focused on him anymore.
Through all of this I've done my best to stay strong, for myself and others. My friends need someone to talk to sometimes and I always feel bad if I can't be that person. So I would act like I was fine, do what ever I can to help but eventually that mask fell. Just cracked and broke on the floor, shattering into a million shards. I fell. I fell farther than ever before. I wasn't just sad, or a little mad. I was drowning in my sorrow, I hated the world. There were so many times I wanted to cut myself, or worse just slit my wrist and end it all. One time I even had the knife on my wrist and was about to do it but I paused, just by the grace of God and thought "What the hell am I doing?"
In that moment I realized how f-(word I can't say) up my life had become, and that wasn't even in the worst of it. I'm in the worst of it now. I see everything that's happened clearer than before, I'm fighting to be happy and strong, but the darkness is so inviting. It'll just wrap its arms around me and hold me forever. I refuse to give in and fall that far, into the dark, but sometimes I want to just give up. I won't, because I know some of my friends would be hurt so incredibly much if I did, but gosh, sometimes I feel like nothing in the world will make me feel better. The worst part of this, is that I know I need to keep fighting, even if I feel like I can't. The urge to give up, but knowing it'll only make it worse.
This is the story of the first flame. This is how I got to where I am. It's why I am who I am. This is my life and I'm not giving up. No matter how miserable, how upset, how [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed, no matter how much I miss my friends and I wanna just end my misery, I won't give up. I can't. I'd hurt to many people.
Online I go by Beth, its not a lie when I say that's my name, its just not the name I go by in person. But for the time being you can call me Beth, Shadow or Knight. I probably favor Shadow because its a nickname my friends gave me when I was about seven or eight. Seems like that's the age my whole life went crazy. Between the ages of 4-9 my life had a number of changes. In those five years my house burned down, I changed churches, started homeschooling, skipped a grade and lost my granny to cancer. I think it was my granny's death that started my life going downhill because even at a young age (She died a month or two after I turned seven) I understood more than most. I'd grown up on crime shows, not cartoons. People always said I look and act older than I am so while my parents thought I wouldn't understand what was going on I probably would have. Maybe not all of it, but they didn't have to keep it a secret. I understood she had cancer and was dying but that was all they would tell me. Seven years later, I still don't know the details. But I think that started it because they were keeping things from me, and that's something I've always hated. It's not secrets I hate, it's just that I had the right to know what was going on but no one would tell me.
That's happened with another two major events in my life since then. When my dad and sister were on their way to work on the motorcycle and got hit by a pick up truck again people hid the details from me. They thought they were doing me a favor by not risking me getting hurt from the pain of knowing the extent of it but in the long run, I think this is worse. The other time is when my aunt and uncle got divorced. They wouldn't tell me anything because for some reason they thought I wouldn't understand divorce. I was young but not that young. I was 11, I was old enough to understand, I could understand but they wouldn't tell. The secrets are what hurt me. Because no one would tell me anything and I was getting mad.
I didn't notice for a long time because I wasn't that mad. But eventually the things add up and I saw how mad I was and that just made it worse. Because I didn't want to be mad and that just made the anger worse. Then my sister moved to FL to be with her fiance, who I think my whole family except her hates, just made it worse. She'd been one of my best friends, but when she met Garland (not changing his name cause I don't give a crap about keeping him safe like I do my friends) she just gave up everything. Left her family, left her job, left college all for some stupid, lying leech. That hurt big time cause she just abandoned me, didn't even wait for me to get home from camp to say goodbye. Sure my parents were kicking Garland out cause that's why he went to FL (to live with his parents) but she didn't have to leave yet. She could have stayed behind and waited but nope. She went with him. That was about the time I lost my trust in them. My sis has gained a bit of trust back but Garland, I won't ever trust him. He lied about having been in the Air Force, he lied about working for forestry, he lied about working for Disney, he lied and said he was 30 something then now that we know its a lie he's making a big deal about being 29 and he's like "I'm not old yet!" It's a buncha s- can't say that word. So that [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed me off and made my life worse. The only good thing about them going to FL is I didn't have to live with him anymore. Too bad he's back and leeching off us again.
Then I start having guy problems. I think I like John waaaaay more than I really do. For a year I think that. Then I finally accept that he doesn't like me and I'm already falling for another guy. A guy who actually pays a little attention to me but to a hormonal teenage girl, that little bit of attention is like he's giving me the world. That is until about six or seven months later and I start seeing that he never acts like he likes me. He said he does, but he never talks to me anymore. His reason for liking me is that I have a "cool" personality? How did I ever think that passed as good? Specially when I met Eric, someone who tells me he likes me, says I'm nice, sweet, caring, nonjudgmental, easy to get a long with, beautiful and more. He talks to me all the time, always makes an effort to call and is just an over all amazing guy. He does have flaws, I'm not saying he's perfect. He's not Superman. He does drink, he does smoke, he used to do drugs and used to crossdress. Neither of us claim to be perfect. Because neither of us are. No one is, and I'm glad because perfect people, they shouldn't exist.
Let me back up a minute. In those six or seven months after I let go of John and before I met Nico there was another guy. Someone I'd slightly forgotten about, but could never really forget about. James is a guy I've known since 3rd grade and from then until during that time frame I had a crush on him. A huge one, I mean it lasted from 3rd grade to 10th grade and during that time, when he came back into my life and I liked Nico, it was torture for me because my brain and my heart couldn't deal with two guys. So I had to let go of someone, but I couldn't let go of either of them. I had dreams about Nico, dreams where if I lost him I'd lose myself. But James has been in my life for so long, it's just not something I can do. I did however let go of the attachment to him and I'm glad I did. Because now I can see him as more of a brother than anything and I think it's a lot better like that. Don't get me wrong, I still think he's really cute, but I'm not focused on him anymore.
Through all of this I've done my best to stay strong, for myself and others. My friends need someone to talk to sometimes and I always feel bad if I can't be that person. So I would act like I was fine, do what ever I can to help but eventually that mask fell. Just cracked and broke on the floor, shattering into a million shards. I fell. I fell farther than ever before. I wasn't just sad, or a little mad. I was drowning in my sorrow, I hated the world. There were so many times I wanted to cut myself, or worse just slit my wrist and end it all. One time I even had the knife on my wrist and was about to do it but I paused, just by the grace of God and thought "What the hell am I doing?"
In that moment I realized how f-(word I can't say) up my life had become, and that wasn't even in the worst of it. I'm in the worst of it now. I see everything that's happened clearer than before, I'm fighting to be happy and strong, but the darkness is so inviting. It'll just wrap its arms around me and hold me forever. I refuse to give in and fall that far, into the dark, but sometimes I want to just give up. I won't, because I know some of my friends would be hurt so incredibly much if I did, but gosh, sometimes I feel like nothing in the world will make me feel better. The worst part of this, is that I know I need to keep fighting, even if I feel like I can't. The urge to give up, but knowing it'll only make it worse.
This is the story of the first flame. This is how I got to where I am. It's why I am who I am. This is my life and I'm not giving up. No matter how miserable, how upset, how [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]ed, no matter how much I miss my friends and I wanna just end my misery, I won't give up. I can't. I'd hurt to many people.