Resetting Expectations
10 March 2013
I was watching a news program a few days ago and one of the politicians being interviewed used the statement "We need to reset our expectations" and that phrase burned itself into my memory. Pasul wrote "When I was a child I did the things of a child but when I grew older I put those things away" (my paraphrase) referring, I believe, to growing into maturity with realistic expectations. I remember my dreams of greatness and boundless wealth as a youth and how reality burst that bubble. As a woman I have had similar dreams of being radiantly beautiful, politically and religiously a force for change. I dreamt of wearing all the most beautiful dresses with the finest in footwear and accessories and of course being very desireable by all the men I came in cintact with. And probably the largest expectation was that everyone one in my world would embrace me with love and open arms and just cast "Charlie" aside. I couldn't imagine being in a place of exile from all the ones I loved. I have come to realize that the dreams of my youth as a woman have been shattered and blown like chaff in the wind by the morning light of day.Recently I have been battling an inner rage inside that has shown it's ugly head and has shook me tothe core. I am no longer the strong victorious woman warrior I thought myself to be and instead I see a crumbled heap of hurts, both real and imagined, causing me to second guess all the things I once declared as irrefutable truth. I guess in a fashion I was living in a state of denial where only my pipedreams wereconsidered. I think my final holdout was having SRS and after conferring with Dr. Talpur, my neurosurgeon and dear friend, and accepting the fact that it would never happen. It appears that at least physically I will never go any further with surgical changes to my body and will live in the netherland between male and female physically. It has been like having the solid ground beneath you becoming quicksand without warning. The world can look upon me and see a middle aged woman but I will always be cognizant of the hidden parts. I guess the time has finally come to re-evaluate my expectations, I will never be all I desire to be physically but more importantly I need to reset the vision for the rest of my time here on earth. When I first came out I expected to be vessel of hope to countless people in my new community. I envisioned ministering in the gifts of healing and prophecy to bring His sons and daughters home just as I had done for so long in my former life as a man. I had mental pictures of dancing before my Lord, as a daughter and handmaiden, with my banners drawing people into a place of worship and yet I have found myself struggling just to get into the Throneroom to worship, I have so much baggage it hobbles me and the weight causes my shoulders to droop and my arms refusing to be lifted up. Twila Paris had a song called" The warrior is a child" and it is becoming painfully clear that my self image needs to embrace that truth.
There is a rage and anger, not neccessarily rightteous, that is burning within trying to consuming me. I think of my past life especially in spiritual realms and I am incensed by the way I was treated when I came out as myself.I was so naive back then and set myself up for this fall from their graces but I guess that is what false expectations do if they aren't put away in the light of day. I went from having a large loving family down to a daughter and grandson and I totally lost my church family except for two young ladies. I am recently remarried and even though I never expected it to happen I had grand expectations of what I thought it would be like, boy was I wrong. I had a mental picture of a tall handsome prince swooping down and capturing my heart with his love and tenderness as he drove away all my detractors and imagined enemies. Well it turns out that my wife isn't tall or handsome but she di capture my heart and sweep me off my feet. I pictured a beautiful high church type wedding with all the frills and yet our simply exchanging vows before God was beautiful to me and quiet sufficient. I am having to go back and look realistically at the destiny before me and temper it with the light of day and reality. I will probbly never rise to a place of reaching the masses and need to focus just on who Daddy brings my way. All my grandoise visions and dreams of greatness, in any realm, need to be put away and I need to seek the Father's heart and recapture the original vision He had for me and chase after it alone.
One of the things I have known since the beginning, ie: heasd knowledge, is finally getting to my heart. Such a short journey but it took so very long. You can only be accountable for choices and decisions you make. You have no control over how those around you will respond no matter how hard you try. They have to decide on their own to your actions and in matters of the heart it is a tossup. There are those I thought would despise me who have rermained very close friends and the exact opposite is true as well. Honestly I want, in my flesh, to find my sons and beat some sense into them. My flesh has often considered going back to my former self just to confront them with reality. I have even consodered going to union functions, of wghich I am still aq part, just to embarass and shame my brothers and former friends I have worked with. All of thes things and countless other situations and relationships gone sour have been like fuel to the smoldering coals of hurt I never bothered to confront and deal with. For over 4 years I have allowed the wounds of rejection to pile up and smolder like dry kindling on a casmpfire unaddressed while I pressed on to the more enjoyable facets of my new life. My expectations were that all this was in the past so ignore it which was one of my dumbest decisions to date in retrospect. Apparently there is only one way to deal with all the negative situations and attitudes which assail us and it isn't covering them up. I am in a very personally painful time of dealing with the hurts and wounds left behind and a [art of that is resetting my expectations. My expectations have become very realistic, I don't expect to ever see my living sons, their families or my sibling brothers again. I have no pipedreams of a wonderous family gathering where I am received with open arms. I do not foresee ever stepping foot into the sanctuary of my former church nor do I envision any great ministry of healing and restoration for my brothers and sisters. Of course I no longer look forward to that final surgery which would change my body to truly female in all aspects. I will never have a handsome man come home to me each evening after his workday. I won't lie, all these statements are painful to write but I have to start somewhere so I guess reality is the best place. One of the biggest realities in my personal walk is that I have leaned so heavily upon my past spiritual experiences and head knowledge of Scripture and have fallen short in the "private time " resting on Daddy's bosom, feeling His heartbeat and drawing life from these times. I haven't really backslidden but rather just relegated that most important of all times to the back burners in my life. In retrospect it is no surprise that I am battling the rage welling up nside me, only when I am in His Arms can I be truly healed and restored. Everything else is like a bandaid on a gunshot wound and pretending it helps. It is amazing how someone can live as long as I have and still screw uip their lives so badly. There is one more aspect to consider. By my not letting go completely of all these incidents will the Father have the liberty to deal with them His way. If my fists are wrapped tightly around a hurt He will not force His healing upon me no will He address the other parties involved even if they were wrong. My stubborness and self pity are what is truly stopping my own healiung and restoration. No one is accountable for my actions but me no matter how loud or long I whine about it.
There is a proverb that says" There is a way that seems right unto a man but the end thereof is death". Another is " For lack of vision a people perish" and I think it should read "the right vision". The one that Daddy had in mind for me when He knit me together in the womb. I have tried using visions of my own design and even the visions of those around me and though they didn't take me to death I was running blindly and headlong in that direction. My prayer is that someone will read this and avoid all the traps I managed to fall into. We have a finite amount of days and I don't believe all this backtracking to get to the right path is a wise use of that time. Be Blessed and may your vision and your dreams come from the only perfect Heart and are the only ones worth chasing.
Charlena Marie Andrews-Hayes