Now my life story. (Part 2/3)
Now to me... I was born in 1999. My father was more around but he still drank alcohol and still had frequent outbursts which is even worse than being there for me. Every day my parents fought, every week there was a major fight that could be life-changing. And I remember it all... Most of my worst memories happened on my birthdays. Those were days where I stood up and screamed at my dad to drop the knife or stop choking her. Then he would run at me. I would run and hide, I can't hide in my room because he would break the door again. I ran outside and hid in the night. I wanted to call the cops but I was afraid he would come back from jail and really kill me and my whole family this time. Another time, my mom used to work and be gone a lot. And I would be home alone with my dad. And since I was like 4 or 5, I can't be home alone (though I was more than once). My dad would take me with him when my mom was gone. He took me to a woman's apartment, I walk in with him and she would feed him. She had this couch that went against the whole living room wall and there was a TV across from it where I can watch movies. I remember this one memory very vividly as if it was yesterday. I would watch the Disney movie called “The Sword in the Stone". And a few feet to my right, was my dad naked on the couch with the woman naked on top of him. I didn't know what it was and I didn't care. I was watching the movie. But this is probably one of the worst things you can show your son. He took me to her apartment for a few years straight, at least every week. I remember one time she got in the car with us and we were driving. I look outside the window and I see a massive sign of a real baby with its head, torso, arms and legs amputated off in a bloody picture. They turned back. Recently, I thought about it and realized they were going to a abortion clinic and they got scared by the sign and turned back. I think I now have 3 or 4 step siblings or whatever you call it. But my mom found out my dad was taking me to the apartment one day and she grabbed me out of there. This is where I lost my trust in my mom because she told me that if he ever sexually abused me or try to actually kill me one day, she would leave him, but she never did and continued on as if nothing happened. Plus, my sister was raped too and later on a year or so later, I too was raped by my father. And I told her the same week she came back from work since she went out for a week. And I am still here with him…. Literally, these are my memories, this hell-ish life.
I was always scared and I always wanted to be in someone's arms that I trust and loved and that they also loved me as well. I didn't know what love really was, because I was still young. But, one day, I was in my kids bible class at my church, around March 1st 2006. We were all around the same age. I sat next to my best friend that I really adore and next to his brother which was also a good friend but not as much as his brother. It was my birthday, I brought cupcakes for everyone in my class to share my birthday. I handed chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to everyone and then.... all of a sudden.... As I gave a vanilla cupcake to this one girl that was in my class, our eyes interlocked. I stared at her for a minute, standing there as I looked into her glistening eyes of happiness and innocence, all of a sudden, I get this raging heat burning sensation in my chest. My heart started pumping like crazy, I sat down, I was confused because I didn't know what that was all about but I wanted more of that feeling, like a addiction basically. I only turned 7 and I experienced true love for the first time in my life. I remember that I was somewhat friends with her brother and I would sometimes see him and play with him at his house. I probably went to his house to play with him like 5 times in my whole life. After we were done playing with each other, she was standing there watching us play until we were done. We talked like regular kids, I got to know her better. She was so kind, so generous, she was literally a angel in a humans body, she was pure and also had great faith with God. She was the most perfect Christian girl I have ever met. For example, I was jumping on the trampoline at her house with one of the guys that were there and somehow I face planted into the exterior ring that holds the trampoline material together. My nose started gushing blood everywhere and I look up and she was there. She quickly rushed me to a room and laid me on a couch. She treated me with such care. She had a smile the whole time and said that I would be ok. She cleaned me up and I was good to go. It was only me and her, no one else came to help me. So, of course, I had a massive affection for her. Whenever I was abused at home, I would think of her, her smile, and I would feel better. As the years passed, I would think of her every day. We got older, my strict conservative church would start to separate the guys and girls so that nothing would happen. You can't be seen in my church with one guy with one girl. That would be bad and you would be disciplined or punished. So I stopped talking to her and she did the same. I would say I was around 10-12 when this happened.
So from the beginning when I first fell in love with her, I was really happy, it was the first time I truly felt happy. She was the only person that I truly loved more than anything. But I was still being abused at home. And because of abuse and the side effects that it gives you, it changes a person for the better or for the worse. But since I was in love with someone at a young age and that abuse continued, it made me into who I am today, for the worse. Minute from minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month... year after year….. at first, after being abused, I would hide and cry fountains of tears wishing she was there to comfort me. Then, while I am doing chores or playing my DS, I would think of her and wish she was there. Then, I would start crying every night wishing I could talk to her again and be with her. Then, I started talking to God and questioning why I am in such pain everyday for so long. I would talk to God and do promises with Him. I remember making a promise where if I was to sin ever again that he wouldn't let me be with her. I started to see what I have become slowly. I believe in the statement of someone following their parents footsteps, like if your dad was a good Samaritan then you would see that and be a good Samaritan as well. Or like, if your dad was a hypocrite, you would also be hypocritical because that's what you learned from him. It could be a great thing or it could be a bad thing, for me, my father was a terrible example to be taught from. So that became my fear, my first real number 1 fear. To be like my father… I saw some things in me that I did that was similar to my father. I never hurt anyone like my father did or did anything to anyone similarly to what my father did. And I never will. So I am proud of myself for doing that firstly. He might have been on drugs and he definitely drank a lot which I don't do and never did. And I also won't ever do drugs or drink in my life. I refuse to deeply. I'd rather die. But since I fell in love with someone and my father was a lust-hungry beast and I saw all the sins one can do with lust. It attacked me, it's my biggest weakness: Lust. The three big sins, that makes the triangle, that most people have as their weaknesses: power, money, lust. Lust is my weakness. So my imagination was sinful, and it scared me. So I isolated myself from many people, to protect the ones I love and care most, from me in case the raging beast inside me becomes my actions. Which won't ever happen because I rather die first. I like to keep a 100% safe environment from me no matter what. I have a weird fail-safe system in me that if I do go out of my mind, I immediately freeze up and have all my thoughts and regret of future guilt to come at me but that only happens when I'm alone. It's probably God who did that. I also have rage and anger in me, deep inside of me. It's not your usual anger that you pick a fight with someone but like a rabid anger where it's only the death of everything that is witness to the anger. It's never been unleashed but the thoughts taunt me and torture me. And another thing, desperation. It's the most painful of them all, it's so broad, it covers almost all problems with a simple solution of suicide which isn't a option for me because I don't want to go to hell. But the thoughts of suicide happen…. Every…. Single…. Day…. Even to this very day. I won’t do it but it degrades your humanity and will to live severely. I wanted to be with her so badly because she is all I needed when I was in that pain. I became desperate for her, but I still love her. I love her so much that I keep myself away from her as much as possible. I don't want her to come in contact of me because I don't ever want to hurt her. I love her so much that I rather have these 12+ Years of Severe Depression rather than risking just a little bit of being just like my father with her. I am now awkward at my church because I don’t talk to anyone there. Everyone looks at me as a rebel or someone who they shouldn't talk to probably because I don’t look like the regular traditional conservative. The only people at church that talk to me are family, sometimes the pastor to tell me to cut my longer hair, and the small kids. I am jealous of the kids but also happy for them because they are not living the life I did, almost all the kids love me at church. Really, I don't like kids because I don't ever want any because I could be like my father to them and I don't know how to raise a family. So that keeps me at a fine wall from kids, but they still love me for some apparent reason. And I really don't have any friends from church. My best friend that I had as a kid, the one person in my whole life that I could have shared the information with non-discreetly and he could've have helped probably, died in a car accident when I was 13. I didn't cry at his funeral, one, I know he was in heaven and he didn't have to live this crappy human life (though there are some people that could have been successful unlike me and he could be one of them So I might take that back). Two, I had no emotion. It wasn't trauma, it was more like, “I would have swapped positions with him". I wish I could've have been in that casket by accident instead of him because he was a good person and he could've have changed the world. So now, I look at the girl that I love. And all I see is pain and misery. It all started when I fell in love with her, I want to hate her for it but I can never because she is pure and honest, clean. Everytime I look at her, I am emotional internally and start having flashbacks. She walks by me now in church without realizing she walked past me, she might have loved me once when I was younger but that was young love and it's never serious, but for me it was. This is my life, my struggle, my pain.
Because of all this pain also comes the physical side effects. I for sure have a learning disability, memory loss, dyslexia, chronic depression, high blood pressure, tremors, stress always on the rise and probably more. These are all self diagnostics because my parents don't believe in having illnesses like dyslexia or PTSD so they never took me to the hospital whenever I requested for a evaluation from the doctors. I myself am too poor to spend money. I work and make money but I have the worst luck financially. My car always needs maintenance which is costly. There is a debt collector trying to get a overpriced outstanding statement of 4,400 dollars from a accident that wasn't at fault from me or the other guy, as said by the police officer. I am going to a community college, which is pricey, but I can hardly learn much because over the weeks, my memory and physical state of mind is broken. I prayed to God a while back asking him to either promise me that I won't be like my father and to help me like he did to Solomon by giving him wisdom and to Samson as He gave him strength. I prayed for a miracle. I said that he could either make that promise or miracle that I could have a family one day where I know I won't ever be like my father or if not, that God would at least take some mercy on me and make me forget these memories. I had exceptional memory before, like I said, I could remember every bad thing that happened. Now, my memories are still there but they take a lot of digging to get to so it isn't as easy to remember. Also, memory loss is the side effect of that but I kind of asked for it… I survived highschool somehow, even with my learning disability, but college might just be impossible. But if you grow up as a dog on the streets, you learn and see things differently as a dog that was owned by in a family. I am great at analogies, it's a talent of mine. Growing up in a hell hole like mine, I learned to see things differently. To me it's common sense, to others, it's invisible. This is why I want to be a psychologist because I know things that others don't know or can't see. I had experience, 12+ years of experience. Throughout my days in school, I helped people with their personal problems and dilemmas that they had. Simple problems with easy solutions in my opinion but those answers I gave them helped let more than a few of them to drop the pill bottle they had in their other hand as I texted them. I always put God in my teachings to help teens with problems, I helped a few to come to Christianity. Everything I say, is as if someone else was saying it. I reread or analyze the conversation and notice that's something that I probably wouldn't of thought of on spot. Maybe God does speak through me, and maybe his plan “was" to make me suffer such a life, and still do… But isn't this too much pain, where's the mercy? Why did I deserve this? Do I finally get my miracle as the outcome of this? I don't know, I am broken. I have so much confusion in me, I never have clear answers. I was brought into a world of despair, I had potential before all this abuse came to me, I could have been great, but now, I can't do a simple thing anyone else can do. I have this gift of helping but for what price? I honestly can't process simple things as any regular human can, I am actually very dumb when it comes to life itself, I can't do its simple tasks. It's like a computer can do any calculation in a blink of an eye but it possibly can't understand your emotions and talk to you, that's impossible for the computer (saying this when AI is still not in effect).
Now to me... I was born in 1999. My father was more around but he still drank alcohol and still had frequent outbursts which is even worse than being there for me. Every day my parents fought, every week there was a major fight that could be life-changing. And I remember it all... Most of my worst memories happened on my birthdays. Those were days where I stood up and screamed at my dad to drop the knife or stop choking her. Then he would run at me. I would run and hide, I can't hide in my room because he would break the door again. I ran outside and hid in the night. I wanted to call the cops but I was afraid he would come back from jail and really kill me and my whole family this time. Another time, my mom used to work and be gone a lot. And I would be home alone with my dad. And since I was like 4 or 5, I can't be home alone (though I was more than once). My dad would take me with him when my mom was gone. He took me to a woman's apartment, I walk in with him and she would feed him. She had this couch that went against the whole living room wall and there was a TV across from it where I can watch movies. I remember this one memory very vividly as if it was yesterday. I would watch the Disney movie called “The Sword in the Stone". And a few feet to my right, was my dad naked on the couch with the woman naked on top of him. I didn't know what it was and I didn't care. I was watching the movie. But this is probably one of the worst things you can show your son. He took me to her apartment for a few years straight, at least every week. I remember one time she got in the car with us and we were driving. I look outside the window and I see a massive sign of a real baby with its head, torso, arms and legs amputated off in a bloody picture. They turned back. Recently, I thought about it and realized they were going to a abortion clinic and they got scared by the sign and turned back. I think I now have 3 or 4 step siblings or whatever you call it. But my mom found out my dad was taking me to the apartment one day and she grabbed me out of there. This is where I lost my trust in my mom because she told me that if he ever sexually abused me or try to actually kill me one day, she would leave him, but she never did and continued on as if nothing happened. Plus, my sister was raped too and later on a year or so later, I too was raped by my father. And I told her the same week she came back from work since she went out for a week. And I am still here with him…. Literally, these are my memories, this hell-ish life.
I was always scared and I always wanted to be in someone's arms that I trust and loved and that they also loved me as well. I didn't know what love really was, because I was still young. But, one day, I was in my kids bible class at my church, around March 1st 2006. We were all around the same age. I sat next to my best friend that I really adore and next to his brother which was also a good friend but not as much as his brother. It was my birthday, I brought cupcakes for everyone in my class to share my birthday. I handed chocolate and vanilla cupcakes to everyone and then.... all of a sudden.... As I gave a vanilla cupcake to this one girl that was in my class, our eyes interlocked. I stared at her for a minute, standing there as I looked into her glistening eyes of happiness and innocence, all of a sudden, I get this raging heat burning sensation in my chest. My heart started pumping like crazy, I sat down, I was confused because I didn't know what that was all about but I wanted more of that feeling, like a addiction basically. I only turned 7 and I experienced true love for the first time in my life. I remember that I was somewhat friends with her brother and I would sometimes see him and play with him at his house. I probably went to his house to play with him like 5 times in my whole life. After we were done playing with each other, she was standing there watching us play until we were done. We talked like regular kids, I got to know her better. She was so kind, so generous, she was literally a angel in a humans body, she was pure and also had great faith with God. She was the most perfect Christian girl I have ever met. For example, I was jumping on the trampoline at her house with one of the guys that were there and somehow I face planted into the exterior ring that holds the trampoline material together. My nose started gushing blood everywhere and I look up and she was there. She quickly rushed me to a room and laid me on a couch. She treated me with such care. She had a smile the whole time and said that I would be ok. She cleaned me up and I was good to go. It was only me and her, no one else came to help me. So, of course, I had a massive affection for her. Whenever I was abused at home, I would think of her, her smile, and I would feel better. As the years passed, I would think of her every day. We got older, my strict conservative church would start to separate the guys and girls so that nothing would happen. You can't be seen in my church with one guy with one girl. That would be bad and you would be disciplined or punished. So I stopped talking to her and she did the same. I would say I was around 10-12 when this happened.
So from the beginning when I first fell in love with her, I was really happy, it was the first time I truly felt happy. She was the only person that I truly loved more than anything. But I was still being abused at home. And because of abuse and the side effects that it gives you, it changes a person for the better or for the worse. But since I was in love with someone at a young age and that abuse continued, it made me into who I am today, for the worse. Minute from minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month... year after year….. at first, after being abused, I would hide and cry fountains of tears wishing she was there to comfort me. Then, while I am doing chores or playing my DS, I would think of her and wish she was there. Then, I would start crying every night wishing I could talk to her again and be with her. Then, I started talking to God and questioning why I am in such pain everyday for so long. I would talk to God and do promises with Him. I remember making a promise where if I was to sin ever again that he wouldn't let me be with her. I started to see what I have become slowly. I believe in the statement of someone following their parents footsteps, like if your dad was a good Samaritan then you would see that and be a good Samaritan as well. Or like, if your dad was a hypocrite, you would also be hypocritical because that's what you learned from him. It could be a great thing or it could be a bad thing, for me, my father was a terrible example to be taught from. So that became my fear, my first real number 1 fear. To be like my father… I saw some things in me that I did that was similar to my father. I never hurt anyone like my father did or did anything to anyone similarly to what my father did. And I never will. So I am proud of myself for doing that firstly. He might have been on drugs and he definitely drank a lot which I don't do and never did. And I also won't ever do drugs or drink in my life. I refuse to deeply. I'd rather die. But since I fell in love with someone and my father was a lust-hungry beast and I saw all the sins one can do with lust. It attacked me, it's my biggest weakness: Lust. The three big sins, that makes the triangle, that most people have as their weaknesses: power, money, lust. Lust is my weakness. So my imagination was sinful, and it scared me. So I isolated myself from many people, to protect the ones I love and care most, from me in case the raging beast inside me becomes my actions. Which won't ever happen because I rather die first. I like to keep a 100% safe environment from me no matter what. I have a weird fail-safe system in me that if I do go out of my mind, I immediately freeze up and have all my thoughts and regret of future guilt to come at me but that only happens when I'm alone. It's probably God who did that. I also have rage and anger in me, deep inside of me. It's not your usual anger that you pick a fight with someone but like a rabid anger where it's only the death of everything that is witness to the anger. It's never been unleashed but the thoughts taunt me and torture me. And another thing, desperation. It's the most painful of them all, it's so broad, it covers almost all problems with a simple solution of suicide which isn't a option for me because I don't want to go to hell. But the thoughts of suicide happen…. Every…. Single…. Day…. Even to this very day. I won’t do it but it degrades your humanity and will to live severely. I wanted to be with her so badly because she is all I needed when I was in that pain. I became desperate for her, but I still love her. I love her so much that I keep myself away from her as much as possible. I don't want her to come in contact of me because I don't ever want to hurt her. I love her so much that I rather have these 12+ Years of Severe Depression rather than risking just a little bit of being just like my father with her. I am now awkward at my church because I don’t talk to anyone there. Everyone looks at me as a rebel or someone who they shouldn't talk to probably because I don’t look like the regular traditional conservative. The only people at church that talk to me are family, sometimes the pastor to tell me to cut my longer hair, and the small kids. I am jealous of the kids but also happy for them because they are not living the life I did, almost all the kids love me at church. Really, I don't like kids because I don't ever want any because I could be like my father to them and I don't know how to raise a family. So that keeps me at a fine wall from kids, but they still love me for some apparent reason. And I really don't have any friends from church. My best friend that I had as a kid, the one person in my whole life that I could have shared the information with non-discreetly and he could've have helped probably, died in a car accident when I was 13. I didn't cry at his funeral, one, I know he was in heaven and he didn't have to live this crappy human life (though there are some people that could have been successful unlike me and he could be one of them So I might take that back). Two, I had no emotion. It wasn't trauma, it was more like, “I would have swapped positions with him". I wish I could've have been in that casket by accident instead of him because he was a good person and he could've have changed the world. So now, I look at the girl that I love. And all I see is pain and misery. It all started when I fell in love with her, I want to hate her for it but I can never because she is pure and honest, clean. Everytime I look at her, I am emotional internally and start having flashbacks. She walks by me now in church without realizing she walked past me, she might have loved me once when I was younger but that was young love and it's never serious, but for me it was. This is my life, my struggle, my pain.
Because of all this pain also comes the physical side effects. I for sure have a learning disability, memory loss, dyslexia, chronic depression, high blood pressure, tremors, stress always on the rise and probably more. These are all self diagnostics because my parents don't believe in having illnesses like dyslexia or PTSD so they never took me to the hospital whenever I requested for a evaluation from the doctors. I myself am too poor to spend money. I work and make money but I have the worst luck financially. My car always needs maintenance which is costly. There is a debt collector trying to get a overpriced outstanding statement of 4,400 dollars from a accident that wasn't at fault from me or the other guy, as said by the police officer. I am going to a community college, which is pricey, but I can hardly learn much because over the weeks, my memory and physical state of mind is broken. I prayed to God a while back asking him to either promise me that I won't be like my father and to help me like he did to Solomon by giving him wisdom and to Samson as He gave him strength. I prayed for a miracle. I said that he could either make that promise or miracle that I could have a family one day where I know I won't ever be like my father or if not, that God would at least take some mercy on me and make me forget these memories. I had exceptional memory before, like I said, I could remember every bad thing that happened. Now, my memories are still there but they take a lot of digging to get to so it isn't as easy to remember. Also, memory loss is the side effect of that but I kind of asked for it… I survived highschool somehow, even with my learning disability, but college might just be impossible. But if you grow up as a dog on the streets, you learn and see things differently as a dog that was owned by in a family. I am great at analogies, it's a talent of mine. Growing up in a hell hole like mine, I learned to see things differently. To me it's common sense, to others, it's invisible. This is why I want to be a psychologist because I know things that others don't know or can't see. I had experience, 12+ years of experience. Throughout my days in school, I helped people with their personal problems and dilemmas that they had. Simple problems with easy solutions in my opinion but those answers I gave them helped let more than a few of them to drop the pill bottle they had in their other hand as I texted them. I always put God in my teachings to help teens with problems, I helped a few to come to Christianity. Everything I say, is as if someone else was saying it. I reread or analyze the conversation and notice that's something that I probably wouldn't of thought of on spot. Maybe God does speak through me, and maybe his plan “was" to make me suffer such a life, and still do… But isn't this too much pain, where's the mercy? Why did I deserve this? Do I finally get my miracle as the outcome of this? I don't know, I am broken. I have so much confusion in me, I never have clear answers. I was brought into a world of despair, I had potential before all this abuse came to me, I could have been great, but now, I can't do a simple thing anyone else can do. I have this gift of helping but for what price? I honestly can't process simple things as any regular human can, I am actually very dumb when it comes to life itself, I can't do its simple tasks. It's like a computer can do any calculation in a blink of an eye but it possibly can't understand your emotions and talk to you, that's impossible for the computer (saying this when AI is still not in effect).