26 October 2010
Since the summer, I’ve been able to confide in a handful of friends. I would be lost and crazy without them. I’ve never needed my friends as much as I do now, especially when I’m alone or not doing anything to keep me busy. What angers me is that I feel like I need this person. Why should I want this person in my life when I already have an amazing family and the most supportive and understanding friends? I hate that I feel like I need her. My family and friends are here in front of me, helping me. There’s no reason for me to need her. My friends have kept me sane and strong; they’ve picked me up and helped me see that I’ll be okay; they’ve listened to my mindless ramblings of sadness, bitterness, and anger. They stood by when my emotions were all over the place. One minute I’m okay, the next minute I’m depressed, 10 minutes later overwhelming sadness hits and tears could drop in an instant.
Today has been easier. My feelings and how often I want to text or think about her differ each day. Today, I haven’t dwelled much on the situation or pined for attention from someone who could care less. It’s still hard, but not as hard as it was a month ago. I’ve decided to read this book by Beth Moore called Get Out of That Pit. I was never one for reading inspirational books, but I’m desperately trying to reach out for God’s help and become better. To get to the point where my self-worth isn’t validated by one human being, but by God and the people who truly love and care for me. So to get out of this pit, I need to be willing to feel again. Ironic for someone who doesn’t like being human, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Psalm 40:1-2
Since the summer, I’ve been able to confide in a handful of friends. I would be lost and crazy without them. I’ve never needed my friends as much as I do now, especially when I’m alone or not doing anything to keep me busy. What angers me is that I feel like I need this person. Why should I want this person in my life when I already have an amazing family and the most supportive and understanding friends? I hate that I feel like I need her. My family and friends are here in front of me, helping me. There’s no reason for me to need her. My friends have kept me sane and strong; they’ve picked me up and helped me see that I’ll be okay; they’ve listened to my mindless ramblings of sadness, bitterness, and anger. They stood by when my emotions were all over the place. One minute I’m okay, the next minute I’m depressed, 10 minutes later overwhelming sadness hits and tears could drop in an instant.
Today has been easier. My feelings and how often I want to text or think about her differ each day. Today, I haven’t dwelled much on the situation or pined for attention from someone who could care less. It’s still hard, but not as hard as it was a month ago. I’ve decided to read this book by Beth Moore called Get Out of That Pit. I was never one for reading inspirational books, but I’m desperately trying to reach out for God’s help and become better. To get to the point where my self-worth isn’t validated by one human being, but by God and the people who truly love and care for me. So to get out of this pit, I need to be willing to feel again. Ironic for someone who doesn’t like being human, but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. “I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.” Psalm 40:1-2