I'm so cautious when it comes to men. It's taken me entirely too long to get back up after... ugh. I already seem to feel things more deeply than a lot of people... so it was agonizing. After him, I'm skeptical about most all of them. I hate to sound sexist, I'm really not. And I hate that I'm skeptical. I don't want to be. I'm just afraid of getting hurt. I'm afraid of getting hooked just as he decides to walk out. I'm afraid of him allowing my feelings to continue to grow and yet he's not man enough to tell me when he's really ready to move on... why string me along if you've made up your mind? To me that's almost like a form of mind rape. I'm afraid of him never having actually cared and it all having just been an act as he tries to get what he wants out of me and then leaves. Yes, I've been naive in the past... but not anymore.
It's taken a lot of prayer to get back up. And as I look back, a lot of what I went through (at the same time), that had nothing to do with him, was only amplified 5 times because of what was going on with him. What makes me so angry is men who treat me like I'm stupid by sitting there pretending that they think of me as being on their level... yet really all the while they are just messing with my emotions and viewing me as being beneath them. It's not that I'm stupid, it's that I'm putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable ON PURPOSE, and trusting that this one is true. It was really not easy for me to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable to him. It took a lot of effort and he didn't take care of that.
I've prayed a lot to God, asking Him to renew my faith in the fact that there are truly good, Godly men out there, with good intentions for me. I think if I could really feel this again, I wouldn't be so afraid all the time. I think it would help. It really did steal away so much of my security in myself and in the world around me after he twisted my emotions and tore my heart up.
I am finally starting to heal in that area. Once I'm healed up, is it going to be just like it was before him? Will I just shut every guy out again even though I'm healed up? Sometimes I think yes, but then again, that's probably my wounded emotions talking. No, really, I think the idea of opening up to a man will be easier for me to accept than it used to be.
I hate that I wasted my time with him. I wish it had been someone else. I'm not the kind of girl who goes on a bunch of casual dates. I'm pretty inexperienced actually... it's just not often that I make myself intimately available like that. So when I do... it really means something, I'm not playing around.
It started out innocent... and then as I saw the warning signs... I didn't really read enough into them, either because I was naive or because I didn't want to. I've learned my lesson on that one. Never again will I ignore red flags. I should have ended it much sooner. I'm responsible for the fact that I didn't back out much sooner.
Yes, when I really think about it, I am more open to the idea of dating now than I used to be. I'm still not too fond of people trying to set me up though. I appreciate that they are thinking about me and care enough to do so, but it's just hard for me to warm up to the idea of it. I'd rather the initial "setting up" of the date to be between me and the guy alone. Now, if I could just get out my own way and let me do it. Like I said, I do feel more open to dating now than before... but only time will tell... as I continue to heal... just how much more open I've become. Also, I understand that not all relationships will work out, but I think it's important that at least the relationship is ended in as caring and respectful a way as possible.
Please God, put me around good, Godly men who can renew my faith in the existence of good, healthy, safe men out there. Please God, help to make my heart available when the timing is right for me to take that step with a man. Please God, give me the comfort and peace about it that I will need to be at ease enough to open up to whomever You have for me. Help me to be patient and to wait on You for that time, and in the meantime, to focus on personal growth and development... to focus on You and growing in my understanding of You. It's so hard sometimes, but I'M TRUSTING YOU DAD... YOU HAVE A PLAN FOR MY LIFE... AND YOU KNOW THE DESIRES OF MY HEART. PLEASE... JUST HELP ME TO NOT TO GET TOO COMFORTABLE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FENCE: AS ALWAYS NEEDING A MAN OR AS NEVER DATING... PLEASE BRING BALANCE GOD, IT'S SO HARD FOR ME TO GO BACK AND FORTH... THIS IS NOT GOOD. I GUESS IT'S JUST THAT I NEED TO WORK ON BEING MORE COURAGEOUS IN THAT AREA.
THANK YOU JESUS... I TRUST YOU. I WANT TO TRUST YOU MORE.
It's taken a lot of prayer to get back up. And as I look back, a lot of what I went through (at the same time), that had nothing to do with him, was only amplified 5 times because of what was going on with him. What makes me so angry is men who treat me like I'm stupid by sitting there pretending that they think of me as being on their level... yet really all the while they are just messing with my emotions and viewing me as being beneath them. It's not that I'm stupid, it's that I'm putting myself out there, making myself vulnerable ON PURPOSE, and trusting that this one is true. It was really not easy for me to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable to him. It took a lot of effort and he didn't take care of that.
I've prayed a lot to God, asking Him to renew my faith in the fact that there are truly good, Godly men out there, with good intentions for me. I think if I could really feel this again, I wouldn't be so afraid all the time. I think it would help. It really did steal away so much of my security in myself and in the world around me after he twisted my emotions and tore my heart up.
I am finally starting to heal in that area. Once I'm healed up, is it going to be just like it was before him? Will I just shut every guy out again even though I'm healed up? Sometimes I think yes, but then again, that's probably my wounded emotions talking. No, really, I think the idea of opening up to a man will be easier for me to accept than it used to be.
I hate that I wasted my time with him. I wish it had been someone else. I'm not the kind of girl who goes on a bunch of casual dates. I'm pretty inexperienced actually... it's just not often that I make myself intimately available like that. So when I do... it really means something, I'm not playing around.
It started out innocent... and then as I saw the warning signs... I didn't really read enough into them, either because I was naive or because I didn't want to. I've learned my lesson on that one. Never again will I ignore red flags. I should have ended it much sooner. I'm responsible for the fact that I didn't back out much sooner.
Yes, when I really think about it, I am more open to the idea of dating now than I used to be. I'm still not too fond of people trying to set me up though. I appreciate that they are thinking about me and care enough to do so, but it's just hard for me to warm up to the idea of it. I'd rather the initial "setting up" of the date to be between me and the guy alone. Now, if I could just get out my own way and let me do it. Like I said, I do feel more open to dating now than before... but only time will tell... as I continue to heal... just how much more open I've become. Also, I understand that not all relationships will work out, but I think it's important that at least the relationship is ended in as caring and respectful a way as possible.
Please God, put me around good, Godly men who can renew my faith in the existence of good, healthy, safe men out there. Please God, help to make my heart available when the timing is right for me to take that step with a man. Please God, give me the comfort and peace about it that I will need to be at ease enough to open up to whomever You have for me. Help me to be patient and to wait on You for that time, and in the meantime, to focus on personal growth and development... to focus on You and growing in my understanding of You. It's so hard sometimes, but I'M TRUSTING YOU DAD... YOU HAVE A PLAN FOR MY LIFE... AND YOU KNOW THE DESIRES OF MY HEART. PLEASE... JUST HELP ME TO NOT TO GET TOO COMFORTABLE ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FENCE: AS ALWAYS NEEDING A MAN OR AS NEVER DATING... PLEASE BRING BALANCE GOD, IT'S SO HARD FOR ME TO GO BACK AND FORTH... THIS IS NOT GOOD. I GUESS IT'S JUST THAT I NEED TO WORK ON BEING MORE COURAGEOUS IN THAT AREA.
THANK YOU JESUS... I TRUST YOU. I WANT TO TRUST YOU MORE.