i am tiring from the effort of maintaining a facade of everything is wonderful. I am doubting the things that I felt had any meaning other than wishful thinking, a willingness to believe in something beautiful because of a need for it. Maybe none of it is true or real. I was much happier before any of this. I was happy with my achievements and feeling very positive, but now this idea that there is a right path feels like an enormous pressure to find it and do things right. How am I to know? God doesn't talk to me, or I can't hear Him, or i can't listen, or He's not real, or I'm too focussed on myself and my own feelings that i'm unreceptive, or I only glimpsed something but it never went any further than that. My heart is broken, I miss Ben so much, and I know i'd be able to do this if he was with me. he always knew how to encourage me and how to take my fear away, and he started all this and now I have to find my way on my own and I don't know how. Do you ever think that you've just made it up somehow? I am crying my heart out every day, many times, and who can I tell? I have to keep up appearances, but I feel like a broken thing with a smile painted on, and that suffices for most people, I think. I don't know what I believe. I'd really like to believe. Is that good enough for a start? But I don't want to tell anyone. What will happen if I say 'it's all too much, i don't want this, i just want my normal life back without all this God stuff'? Do I get thrown away? If there is a path for me why won't He just tell me what to do? I'm scared that I'm wasting precious time on the wrong things. I've never been good at making decisions, I'm always so scared of being wrong. Now everything is so much more important, carries more weight. How can I do the right things? I don't know what they are. I feel knots in my chest and my stomach all the time. It's not a good feeling. I don't know what I'm supposed to do.