Sorry folks it has been a while, life has got busy and now slowed down again.
For more years than I care to remember i lived on the edge. ( yes past tense) sometimes i stumble back close to it and scare myself a bit.
this happened thursday evening, i went to the local, had one too many drinks, and ended up feeling absolutely rotten for the whole of friday.
what edge did i live on i hear you asking ?
Depression, Black Dog, call it what you will.
for people who do not know depression, i will attempt to describe it. maybe it will help those of you who have never been there to understand your friends when they are there.
This is my experience.
at the age of seven, we moved. not just house, but to a whole new way of life. i lost everything that i had ever known, except of course family. i started a new school, i couldnt find my way home, even tho i had carefully counted the streets from home to school. when i got home there was a strange looking woman in my mothers kitchen. i sneaked in quiety and sat down in the lounge chair hiding behind the arm. i knew it was my house, but i didnt know who the woman with her back to me was. it was only after she turned around that i recognised her. it was my mum, she had had long hair when i left for school in the morning, and now it was short. i had never seen her with short hair before. confused was the state i stayed in for the next ten years. i could not tell who was going to be mean to me and who wasnt, one day one particulr kid in my class would be so kind to me then the next the same kid would treat me so bad. didnt matter if it was boy or girl. i found myself friendless after 10 yrs of school, then another big move. new school new kids to hate me, new pains, 2 years later another move, another school and yet more kids, to hate me and torture me. So i lived on the edge. the edge of school, the edge of peers, the edge of anger, the edge of frustration, the edge of fight or flight. this continued on even after school. i could never tell if someone genuinely liked me or if they were just setting me up so i used anger, i hurt people, i figured that if no-one was going to like me then i guess i should just get in first, be an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] to them and that way at least i knew where i stood. no shaky ground when you are universally disliked. trouble is it is a pit. no light enters there, and no goodness can reach you.
even my first wife didnt really like me, she kept trying to change me, and eventually i went along to counselling only to find out what i already knew, everything in life that is bad is /was my fault. well i tried, i did what i was told, i changed my patterns, i moved ahead. i started putting on the good "happy " christian face that a lot of so called christians wear. inside i was dead, and no-one knew. so i was on the edge, the edge of suicide.
things i kept hearing from well meaning friends, and so called counsellors was ' just snap out of it' pull your socks up,smile and you will feel better, i know exactly what you are going through. it is just a phase, etc etc.
[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]!
you cant just "snap" out of it when you are so far down in that pit there is no "up". and there is no "smile" no-one and i mean no-one knows "exactly" what you are going through. and when it is clinical it is not "just a phase". and when people shine their "light" in your face, alll you get is blinded and pain.
People! Listen up! Dont attempt to "Help" someone when they are depressed, all you do is confirm their worst thoughts about their own inabilities. if you have to anything, do this one thing. Sit with them. No speaking, no touching, no trying to get their attention. they know you are there! when they understand that all you are doing is sitting with them, then your friend will start to reach out. Remember do not offer advice, just nod and acknowledge them, be there with them.
they are like a scared prisoner who has been beaten so badly that they are afraid of human touch. even the gentlest well intentioned touch at the wrong time and you chase them back into the pit. just sit and wait, all you can do is be there.
you have no idea how valuable the quiet presence of another person is to someone who has been in that black dire pit of desolation and despair.
do not judge them. you have not lived their life, you have not had their experiences, i cannot stress often enough nor strongly enough JUST BE THERE.
God bless you
Tom
For more years than I care to remember i lived on the edge. ( yes past tense) sometimes i stumble back close to it and scare myself a bit.
this happened thursday evening, i went to the local, had one too many drinks, and ended up feeling absolutely rotten for the whole of friday.
what edge did i live on i hear you asking ?
Depression, Black Dog, call it what you will.
for people who do not know depression, i will attempt to describe it. maybe it will help those of you who have never been there to understand your friends when they are there.
This is my experience.
at the age of seven, we moved. not just house, but to a whole new way of life. i lost everything that i had ever known, except of course family. i started a new school, i couldnt find my way home, even tho i had carefully counted the streets from home to school. when i got home there was a strange looking woman in my mothers kitchen. i sneaked in quiety and sat down in the lounge chair hiding behind the arm. i knew it was my house, but i didnt know who the woman with her back to me was. it was only after she turned around that i recognised her. it was my mum, she had had long hair when i left for school in the morning, and now it was short. i had never seen her with short hair before. confused was the state i stayed in for the next ten years. i could not tell who was going to be mean to me and who wasnt, one day one particulr kid in my class would be so kind to me then the next the same kid would treat me so bad. didnt matter if it was boy or girl. i found myself friendless after 10 yrs of school, then another big move. new school new kids to hate me, new pains, 2 years later another move, another school and yet more kids, to hate me and torture me. So i lived on the edge. the edge of school, the edge of peers, the edge of anger, the edge of frustration, the edge of fight or flight. this continued on even after school. i could never tell if someone genuinely liked me or if they were just setting me up so i used anger, i hurt people, i figured that if no-one was going to like me then i guess i should just get in first, be an [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] to them and that way at least i knew where i stood. no shaky ground when you are universally disliked. trouble is it is a pit. no light enters there, and no goodness can reach you.
even my first wife didnt really like me, she kept trying to change me, and eventually i went along to counselling only to find out what i already knew, everything in life that is bad is /was my fault. well i tried, i did what i was told, i changed my patterns, i moved ahead. i started putting on the good "happy " christian face that a lot of so called christians wear. inside i was dead, and no-one knew. so i was on the edge, the edge of suicide.
things i kept hearing from well meaning friends, and so called counsellors was ' just snap out of it' pull your socks up,smile and you will feel better, i know exactly what you are going through. it is just a phase, etc etc.
[bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]!
you cant just "snap" out of it when you are so far down in that pit there is no "up". and there is no "smile" no-one and i mean no-one knows "exactly" what you are going through. and when it is clinical it is not "just a phase". and when people shine their "light" in your face, alll you get is blinded and pain.
People! Listen up! Dont attempt to "Help" someone when they are depressed, all you do is confirm their worst thoughts about their own inabilities. if you have to anything, do this one thing. Sit with them. No speaking, no touching, no trying to get their attention. they know you are there! when they understand that all you are doing is sitting with them, then your friend will start to reach out. Remember do not offer advice, just nod and acknowledge them, be there with them.
they are like a scared prisoner who has been beaten so badly that they are afraid of human touch. even the gentlest well intentioned touch at the wrong time and you chase them back into the pit. just sit and wait, all you can do is be there.
you have no idea how valuable the quiet presence of another person is to someone who has been in that black dire pit of desolation and despair.
do not judge them. you have not lived their life, you have not had their experiences, i cannot stress often enough nor strongly enough JUST BE THERE.
God bless you
Tom