I hide in my room and zone out to school work, and get lost in the land of the internet. I have fantasies of leaving and just traveling. In these long drawn out fantasies I am at peace, I am free and I am near the ocean. Always the thoughts of travel brings me to the ocean and the people are happy and there is music. The reality is I don't believe I will ever be free or happy, tonight I feel like God has left me and I feel like I am a pathetic person for complaining when I have a home, and food and I am in a country that is free of war. How dare I complain about feelings.... but tonight I am I give myself permission tonight to cry and be pathetic. I just feel like I fought to change who I was and what my life was, to become a better person and it didn't matter. Nothing I did mattered it didn't matter that I went back to school, that I quit drugs, that I tried to be a good parent. I still ended up as the Mother of a girl who struggled and ended up dying at 17, the girl I didn't even think I wanted and now I don't know how to live without. Tonight I struggle with how to forgive someone, someone who hurt my daughter and caused a lot of her pain. I can't and I hear the words how will God forgive you if you can't forgive and I don't know because I can't do it. I don't want to do it. Maybe that is why God has left me, maybe he let all this happen because he doesn't want me anymore. I thought he did once. I have no idea what I am expected to do in this life. Tomorrow is a new day and I will try to wake up and be positive that is all I can do.