Its been 15 years since my brother molested me. I forgave him a couple years back. I didn't allow him back into my life, and never would since he has never acknowledged or apologized for what he did to me.
I was 12 years old. So innocent and young. I loved reading and was going to try out for the track team. I had plans for my life. I was going places.
Then one night Jesse introduced darkness into my soul. He planted a seed of bitterness that grew into an all consuming hate tree. My very soul was withering. I could feel the emptiness, the darkness, the rage, the pain, all swirling withing myself. I was the living dead.
After forgiving him, I got back a piece of myself. I took back a little of the power. After cutting him from my circle I took back a little more. And coming to God, I was reborn.
But I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to forget. If I think too hard about the feeling of the dark pit I was in, it's almost like it's waiting to pull me back in. Like somewhere within myself there's still the seed of evil he planted just waiting for me to water it.
Once a victim, there's no such thing as a normal life. That part of you that understands normal is gone. Every part of your life is directly related to what happened.
I wear very modest clothing and boxy shirts to cover my body. I gave myself permission at 13 to get fat just so I could go unnoticed. I don't dance publicly for fear of male attention.
Worse yet, when it goes the other way. I've been through that too. Trying to recapture the power that was stolen from you by giving yourself over as an object. Going to clubs and partying until sunrise. Countless partners and experiences. All in the name of power. Because now you can say no, but its your idea so it isn't molestation. Actually recreating scenarios with new partneras in order to relive the experience on your terms. The worst is the psychological. It skews your sexuality. It creates fetishes where none existed before. It makes the victim feel dirty and guilty every time she is aroused. It turns sex into this ugly emotional battle. But you can't stop because you are chasing that power. You need to regain the right to say no. And the most screwed up part is, that you know the only way to ever get the power back is to stop. You know God loves you and wants to heal you, yet no matter how hard you try, you end up looking up that fetish online or indulging in sex when you shouldn't.
It's a vicious cycle. Even after forgiving, even after moving on, even after starting new. Nothing takes it all away. It's a part of who you are.
I am a victim. He stole my power when I was 12 years old. I've been chasing that power for too long. I am weary. I'm tired. I have tried for too long to overcome my past. I'm starting to learn that it can't be overcome. It is an integral part of who I am. It shaped the way I grew and the way I think. I wish every day that it hadn't happened, but there's no changing the past. So I'm going to try to embrace it. I won't hide anymore.
My brother molested me when I was 12 years old and he was 17. It scarred me forever. Much like the scars from my self harming, it will never go away. But I've accepted those, and am learning to accept this too.
To any victims of sexual abuse out there. It isn't hopeless. You can be whole again. YOU CAN ESCAPE THE PIT!!!! Just let God do the work in your heart. Let him guide you. God doesn't make mistakes. If he tells you to forgive, then forgive. If he tells you to get that person out of your life, then that's what you do. He will never lead you astray. He loves you. He wants to help you.
It isn't going to be easy. Its been 15 years since a single act of abuse and I still struggle. But with God's help, I make progress every day. I have a healthy relationship now. And although sex is a major struggle, we're making strides to follow God.
Take the leap of faith.
I was 12 years old. So innocent and young. I loved reading and was going to try out for the track team. I had plans for my life. I was going places.
Then one night Jesse introduced darkness into my soul. He planted a seed of bitterness that grew into an all consuming hate tree. My very soul was withering. I could feel the emptiness, the darkness, the rage, the pain, all swirling withing myself. I was the living dead.
After forgiving him, I got back a piece of myself. I took back a little of the power. After cutting him from my circle I took back a little more. And coming to God, I was reborn.
But I'm not sure I'll ever really be able to forget. If I think too hard about the feeling of the dark pit I was in, it's almost like it's waiting to pull me back in. Like somewhere within myself there's still the seed of evil he planted just waiting for me to water it.
Once a victim, there's no such thing as a normal life. That part of you that understands normal is gone. Every part of your life is directly related to what happened.
I wear very modest clothing and boxy shirts to cover my body. I gave myself permission at 13 to get fat just so I could go unnoticed. I don't dance publicly for fear of male attention.
Worse yet, when it goes the other way. I've been through that too. Trying to recapture the power that was stolen from you by giving yourself over as an object. Going to clubs and partying until sunrise. Countless partners and experiences. All in the name of power. Because now you can say no, but its your idea so it isn't molestation. Actually recreating scenarios with new partneras in order to relive the experience on your terms. The worst is the psychological. It skews your sexuality. It creates fetishes where none existed before. It makes the victim feel dirty and guilty every time she is aroused. It turns sex into this ugly emotional battle. But you can't stop because you are chasing that power. You need to regain the right to say no. And the most screwed up part is, that you know the only way to ever get the power back is to stop. You know God loves you and wants to heal you, yet no matter how hard you try, you end up looking up that fetish online or indulging in sex when you shouldn't.
It's a vicious cycle. Even after forgiving, even after moving on, even after starting new. Nothing takes it all away. It's a part of who you are.
I am a victim. He stole my power when I was 12 years old. I've been chasing that power for too long. I am weary. I'm tired. I have tried for too long to overcome my past. I'm starting to learn that it can't be overcome. It is an integral part of who I am. It shaped the way I grew and the way I think. I wish every day that it hadn't happened, but there's no changing the past. So I'm going to try to embrace it. I won't hide anymore.
My brother molested me when I was 12 years old and he was 17. It scarred me forever. Much like the scars from my self harming, it will never go away. But I've accepted those, and am learning to accept this too.
To any victims of sexual abuse out there. It isn't hopeless. You can be whole again. YOU CAN ESCAPE THE PIT!!!! Just let God do the work in your heart. Let him guide you. God doesn't make mistakes. If he tells you to forgive, then forgive. If he tells you to get that person out of your life, then that's what you do. He will never lead you astray. He loves you. He wants to help you.
It isn't going to be easy. Its been 15 years since a single act of abuse and I still struggle. But with God's help, I make progress every day. I have a healthy relationship now. And although sex is a major struggle, we're making strides to follow God.
Take the leap of faith.