It's been nearly 2 years since I was last here. I intended on coming here more often but life just gets out of whack sometimes.
And the consequences of sin can be great. After compromising what I said I wanted to hold onto, I ended up getting together with a woman I never should have. Did I care about her? Yes. But I ended up treating the relationship like a marriage because 1: I wanted to be intimate with someone and 2: I justified my own sinful desire by saying "I'm 30 and God hasn't fulfilled my desire for a wife, so maybe I should take what I can."
The result is a relationship that has emotionally and spiritually crippled me. It could be worse but I definitely have strayed from where I was. I said I was not going to have sex before marriage, but we did (even after failing at that in a previous relationship). And she is so very manipulative and controlling and petty and immature, but I honestly did love her despite that, though she made me angry with her constant paranoia that I was cheating on her and constant accusations and attacking what I did all the time, I did have Christ's love in my heart because despite all this I still cared about her well being and what happened to her.
To make a long story short, she got pregnant in June of 2009 and she told me. I started to make plans and prepare myself for being a father but we ended up having a big fight (that's another story) and she said that maybe the child is not mine.
Well I kept trying to stay in touch and through a huge series of events and struggles the child was born in March 2010 and she has said that the child is mine. I'm so confused. There is a very strong probability that the child is mine, but there are so many doubts in my head from her actions and wondering if we did have sex during the conception period or if that was a period where we fought and didn't talk for a week or two.
She wouldn't let me know when the child was going to be born and I didn't even know she had the child until 3 weeks later. She didn't put me on the birth certificate and didn't pursue me for child support. She even had her baptized after she started talking to me again but never even told me about it. Well since then she has let me spend a fair amount of time with the child, I've spent money to help her with bills, I've bought her diapers and formula and toys and she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Huge chubby cheeks and when she smiles at me my heart turns to putty. I was never a baby person before. But the thought that this is probably my child has changed me.
But the real consequences of sin are still to come. if this baby girl is mine, dealing with the mother for the next 18 years will be so difficult. She does not want me to pursue legal rights to the child and attacked me so viciously when I told her I did (which I have filed the paternity action back in June). She even said she never wanted me alone with her because she was afraid I was going to molest her. The thought makes me sick. And I'm so torn, is this baby girl who is capturing my heart and mind and attention even mine? The DNA test isn't until mid-September. On one hand I hope that it's not so I don't get blasted with child support and I dont' have to deal with the mother anymore, but on the other hand I hope that the child is mine so at least she can have a loving father and something to offset the harsh unstable-ness of her mother.
Worrying about all of this and trying to restore my relationship with the Lord has made things so difficult. I have grown from it in some of my understanding of the Lord, but my heart still needs work. There's head knowledge of the Lord which I have plenty of, but writing his love and promises and forgiveness of myself has always been more difficult. And since the start of all this my blood pressure has gone up and I've lost more motivation for some things I love to do. But if this is my precious baby, I can't afford to lose any motivation.
I hope someone will learn from my mistake, though we all have to make our own and learn from them as God teaches us each in our own way.
And the consequences of sin can be great. After compromising what I said I wanted to hold onto, I ended up getting together with a woman I never should have. Did I care about her? Yes. But I ended up treating the relationship like a marriage because 1: I wanted to be intimate with someone and 2: I justified my own sinful desire by saying "I'm 30 and God hasn't fulfilled my desire for a wife, so maybe I should take what I can."
The result is a relationship that has emotionally and spiritually crippled me. It could be worse but I definitely have strayed from where I was. I said I was not going to have sex before marriage, but we did (even after failing at that in a previous relationship). And she is so very manipulative and controlling and petty and immature, but I honestly did love her despite that, though she made me angry with her constant paranoia that I was cheating on her and constant accusations and attacking what I did all the time, I did have Christ's love in my heart because despite all this I still cared about her well being and what happened to her.
To make a long story short, she got pregnant in June of 2009 and she told me. I started to make plans and prepare myself for being a father but we ended up having a big fight (that's another story) and she said that maybe the child is not mine.
Well I kept trying to stay in touch and through a huge series of events and struggles the child was born in March 2010 and she has said that the child is mine. I'm so confused. There is a very strong probability that the child is mine, but there are so many doubts in my head from her actions and wondering if we did have sex during the conception period or if that was a period where we fought and didn't talk for a week or two.
She wouldn't let me know when the child was going to be born and I didn't even know she had the child until 3 weeks later. She didn't put me on the birth certificate and didn't pursue me for child support. She even had her baptized after she started talking to me again but never even told me about it. Well since then she has let me spend a fair amount of time with the child, I've spent money to help her with bills, I've bought her diapers and formula and toys and she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Huge chubby cheeks and when she smiles at me my heart turns to putty. I was never a baby person before. But the thought that this is probably my child has changed me.
But the real consequences of sin are still to come. if this baby girl is mine, dealing with the mother for the next 18 years will be so difficult. She does not want me to pursue legal rights to the child and attacked me so viciously when I told her I did (which I have filed the paternity action back in June). She even said she never wanted me alone with her because she was afraid I was going to molest her. The thought makes me sick. And I'm so torn, is this baby girl who is capturing my heart and mind and attention even mine? The DNA test isn't until mid-September. On one hand I hope that it's not so I don't get blasted with child support and I dont' have to deal with the mother anymore, but on the other hand I hope that the child is mine so at least she can have a loving father and something to offset the harsh unstable-ness of her mother.
Worrying about all of this and trying to restore my relationship with the Lord has made things so difficult. I have grown from it in some of my understanding of the Lord, but my heart still needs work. There's head knowledge of the Lord which I have plenty of, but writing his love and promises and forgiveness of myself has always been more difficult. And since the start of all this my blood pressure has gone up and I've lost more motivation for some things I love to do. But if this is my precious baby, I can't afford to lose any motivation.
I hope someone will learn from my mistake, though we all have to make our own and learn from them as God teaches us each in our own way.