Before I met him, I used to question whether a “heart” could ever be enough and then he came into my life and for a moment I thought I had my answer.
They say there are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance
I guess they would know but I'm not sure the stages are so clear cut or are not intermingled with one another. Part of me wishes I could forget he was ever a part of my life. It's true, that if that were possible the pain would pass but so too would the important lessons. I don't want to forget what I learned, even though it cost me dearly. After the break up, I was in a state of shock and disbelief. I kept thinking it was a nightmare and that at any moment I would wake up. I would wake up and find that the last 18 months of my life were not based on believing the lie, “I love you”. I would wake up and find the man who claimed he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, that he loved me, and that I was his home would still be there. I sat in disbelief as he told me, very businesslike, why he no longer wanted to be with me and why suddenly he wasn't marriage material. Funny, how quickly things go from always to never.
After I realized that this was life, not a nightmare that I would wake up from, a burning determination took it's place. I threw or gave away everything he ever gave me or that were reminders of our relationship. I tossed out all of the plane ticket stubs, the cards, the physical copies of pictures, etc., and I gave away the espresso maker. I even cut my hair short again because he liked it long. I was so hurt and angry I was determined that I would not allow this to break me or to keep me from loving again. I would think to myself when tears would threaten “have I not cried enough?” I was a warrior and I was at war with my broken heart and with what he had done. As we were breaking up he said he didn't regret anything. The biggest regret I had was allowing him to call me his “home” and calling him “my home”. Clearly, he had no idea the weight of those words or what that actually meant to me and it was easy to see that day that I was never his home. Time passes, it flows like a river ever onward but God is in control and that is comforting.
Yesterday for the first time in a while I did something I love to do. I went on a road trip and I took pictures most of the day. While I ate lunch, I watched people and I genuinely enjoyed being around them even though most of them I didn't know. For the first time in a while I felt “normal” and I spent the day thanking God not only because of the beautiful things I was able to see but also because I was and am hopeful. I know this process may not be fully over yet but I know one day it will fade. God will help me through this valley too and I will come out on the other side, in the end I'll be whole again. I will be like those beautiful Kintsugi bowls that have veins of gold or silver, they were broken but they were put back together again. Yes, I'll bear the scars but perhaps because of what I have gone through I can comfort others. I know I should be thankful that this happened before we actually were engaged or married and I am. However, pain in whatever form it comes is still pain and you must face it. I don't know anyone who actually welcomes pain though pain too has it's purpose and it is okay to grieve, just don't stay there.
They say there are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Depression, Bargaining, and Acceptance
I guess they would know but I'm not sure the stages are so clear cut or are not intermingled with one another. Part of me wishes I could forget he was ever a part of my life. It's true, that if that were possible the pain would pass but so too would the important lessons. I don't want to forget what I learned, even though it cost me dearly. After the break up, I was in a state of shock and disbelief. I kept thinking it was a nightmare and that at any moment I would wake up. I would wake up and find that the last 18 months of my life were not based on believing the lie, “I love you”. I would wake up and find the man who claimed he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, that he loved me, and that I was his home would still be there. I sat in disbelief as he told me, very businesslike, why he no longer wanted to be with me and why suddenly he wasn't marriage material. Funny, how quickly things go from always to never.
After I realized that this was life, not a nightmare that I would wake up from, a burning determination took it's place. I threw or gave away everything he ever gave me or that were reminders of our relationship. I tossed out all of the plane ticket stubs, the cards, the physical copies of pictures, etc., and I gave away the espresso maker. I even cut my hair short again because he liked it long. I was so hurt and angry I was determined that I would not allow this to break me or to keep me from loving again. I would think to myself when tears would threaten “have I not cried enough?” I was a warrior and I was at war with my broken heart and with what he had done. As we were breaking up he said he didn't regret anything. The biggest regret I had was allowing him to call me his “home” and calling him “my home”. Clearly, he had no idea the weight of those words or what that actually meant to me and it was easy to see that day that I was never his home. Time passes, it flows like a river ever onward but God is in control and that is comforting.
Yesterday for the first time in a while I did something I love to do. I went on a road trip and I took pictures most of the day. While I ate lunch, I watched people and I genuinely enjoyed being around them even though most of them I didn't know. For the first time in a while I felt “normal” and I spent the day thanking God not only because of the beautiful things I was able to see but also because I was and am hopeful. I know this process may not be fully over yet but I know one day it will fade. God will help me through this valley too and I will come out on the other side, in the end I'll be whole again. I will be like those beautiful Kintsugi bowls that have veins of gold or silver, they were broken but they were put back together again. Yes, I'll bear the scars but perhaps because of what I have gone through I can comfort others. I know I should be thankful that this happened before we actually were engaged or married and I am. However, pain in whatever form it comes is still pain and you must face it. I don't know anyone who actually welcomes pain though pain too has it's purpose and it is okay to grieve, just don't stay there.