Ok I know some people right now are wondering what is going on with me, because I have been acting a little off and also because of two of my recent posts.
So for those who want to know. I'm going to tell you or at least try and tell you.
I will give you a warning now, this post will most likely be long, I will be upsetting for some, it wll not be a pretty happy post. If you can't handle that, or dont want to see that side of me, then STOP reading right now.
First a little history for of those who dont know and my past. I started harming myself by cutting at the age of 15, before that I was harming in other ways like biting and stuff for as long as I can remember. I'm nearly 18 now. When I was younger I was bullied for over 8 years and abused sexually for about 2 years. I have never had a close realtionship with my parents, and have always been very with drawn.
When I was 15.5 my mate dragged me to the schol counsellor, that helped for a while but I never dealt with the under lying issues.
This bring me to here and now. After being able to stop self harming for a period of a few months, and before that having a period where my self harm was very rare, it has come back. With it has come two mental things I have struggled with. The first is social anxeity the other is depression.
First the social anxeity. This has a big impact on my life, a bigger impact than I ever let on. It is now stopping me from wanting to go anywhere, except for the orchestra. When I do go out I no longer enjoy myself, because I to worried about what others are thinking about me. When I get home, I anaylze anything silly I did. This unfortunally has also leaked into my school life. I dont feel safe in school unless, I reading a book. I can't concertrate on my lessons either, afraid that I will do something wrong.
This all ties into the depression. The depression also affects me more than I let on. It has reduced me to a girl with no motivation. I don't want to do school work, dont want to do anything that requires me to use energy. I don't want to get up in the mornings. Honestly if I didnt still live at home, and had to try and act like a normal teenager, I don't think I would make it out of bed most mornings.
These two things fed off it other and are making my life a living hell. It may of messed up my schooling enough that I will fail this year, I hope I don't but now it is a real posibility. It has meant that I have with drawn from my friends,a and the truely close friends are the ones I have left. Those of you who may see me laughing and stuff in real life, these are the few and rare moments of happiness, that I now have.
So what does that mean for you who know me. it means that if I'm quite, its because I dont feel like being social as it is to big of a risk. If I dont text you, it may be because I don't have the motivation to talk today. If I yell at you and stuff, don't take it personally. If you notice something is wrong and I dont want to talk, just leave it because it means I'm not in the space to talk without going deeper than I am. It means I may need space. I means that right now I need someone to give me hugs on the days I want to yell and scream, someone to offer there shoulder to cry on when I feel like I can't go one for another day.
In no way do I expect any of you to be any of these things, if you are dealing with your own stuff. In no way are any of you ever to put yourself before me. You are the important one. There will be days when I feel like I'm to much of a burden and won't want your support, don't take it personally. There are days when if I don't take up your offer for help, its not because I dont want it, its because I can't accept it without being weak.
Wow that was a lot to write out and I hope it makes sense. If it doesnt PM me for clarification or catch me on my msn.
So for those who want to know. I'm going to tell you or at least try and tell you.
I will give you a warning now, this post will most likely be long, I will be upsetting for some, it wll not be a pretty happy post. If you can't handle that, or dont want to see that side of me, then STOP reading right now.
First a little history for of those who dont know and my past. I started harming myself by cutting at the age of 15, before that I was harming in other ways like biting and stuff for as long as I can remember. I'm nearly 18 now. When I was younger I was bullied for over 8 years and abused sexually for about 2 years. I have never had a close realtionship with my parents, and have always been very with drawn.
When I was 15.5 my mate dragged me to the schol counsellor, that helped for a while but I never dealt with the under lying issues.
This bring me to here and now. After being able to stop self harming for a period of a few months, and before that having a period where my self harm was very rare, it has come back. With it has come two mental things I have struggled with. The first is social anxeity the other is depression.
First the social anxeity. This has a big impact on my life, a bigger impact than I ever let on. It is now stopping me from wanting to go anywhere, except for the orchestra. When I do go out I no longer enjoy myself, because I to worried about what others are thinking about me. When I get home, I anaylze anything silly I did. This unfortunally has also leaked into my school life. I dont feel safe in school unless, I reading a book. I can't concertrate on my lessons either, afraid that I will do something wrong.
This all ties into the depression. The depression also affects me more than I let on. It has reduced me to a girl with no motivation. I don't want to do school work, dont want to do anything that requires me to use energy. I don't want to get up in the mornings. Honestly if I didnt still live at home, and had to try and act like a normal teenager, I don't think I would make it out of bed most mornings.
These two things fed off it other and are making my life a living hell. It may of messed up my schooling enough that I will fail this year, I hope I don't but now it is a real posibility. It has meant that I have with drawn from my friends,a and the truely close friends are the ones I have left. Those of you who may see me laughing and stuff in real life, these are the few and rare moments of happiness, that I now have.
So what does that mean for you who know me. it means that if I'm quite, its because I dont feel like being social as it is to big of a risk. If I dont text you, it may be because I don't have the motivation to talk today. If I yell at you and stuff, don't take it personally. If you notice something is wrong and I dont want to talk, just leave it because it means I'm not in the space to talk without going deeper than I am. It means I may need space. I means that right now I need someone to give me hugs on the days I want to yell and scream, someone to offer there shoulder to cry on when I feel like I can't go one for another day.
In no way do I expect any of you to be any of these things, if you are dealing with your own stuff. In no way are any of you ever to put yourself before me. You are the important one. There will be days when I feel like I'm to much of a burden and won't want your support, don't take it personally. There are days when if I don't take up your offer for help, its not because I dont want it, its because I can't accept it without being weak.
Wow that was a lot to write out and I hope it makes sense. If it doesnt PM me for clarification or catch me on my msn.