I chose this picture because it's most how I feel lately. Things are so different than they were when I was last here. I thought that was the day I was to begin writing again. Not so, obviously. I'm still a little shy of putting myself out there again but it's just different now.
Two years ago the enemy launched a campaign of all campaigns against me. The range of things from thoughts of suicide to hate to anger to pride to a whole lot of emotions I didn't understand came boiling out of me. I understand now that was a part of my healing. You see, our Lord is truly the Lord of lord's and King of kings. He used these things to allow me to go through all the feelings and emotions I'd surpressed for all my life. Hurt piled on hurt with no where to store it but in my heart. Couple the emotions of hurt with the myriad of dyes and drugs they put me through in a two month period and two operations ... He truly did carry me through them!!! Wow! I knew I was a mess ... but seriously!!
I know I have much more growth but am so happy my life is back in control. I don't feel those things anymore and I'm so glad. It was only for a short time in my life but good grief! ... the amount of damage to relationships is enormous. Hopefully others will forgive me ... I truly had no control ... it will be what it will be but I won't forget the Lord takes what is wrong and makes it right.
So back to the picture. This is how I've been seeing things latley. I see the Lord's blessings raining on me and mine and I'm ever so thankful and grateful! I'm seeing things beginning to bloom that I long ago quit praying for. Some things I've prayed for years and year for.
I've been thinking about Moriah a lot lately. I sure miss her. I always could count on her to understand me even when I didn't. She was a good friend. She's one of the few I knew could feel my pain because I could feel hers. And how we both understood the enormous expanse of the void. I wonder who loves her now, if anyone.
Before I close I want to ask for mssurrender's back to be healed completely without a trace of the pain left and for it to be permanent. Of all the people who've loved me she loves me so unselfishly I learned that some love is hard to contain it's so big. The only way I know to repay it is to ask You, Lord to please heal her. She suffers so much with it and it seems so unnecessary when I know one touch from You is all it takes.
Thank You for healing the tumor in Karla's leg. You are a Lord of miracles!
Jesus, there is no doubt ... I am nothing if not for You.