A letter to my past

I've been on this site for a long time. I've also been away for quite a while as well. There's been some travels, and some life lessons learned.

I logged in the other day, and was going to respond to a PM I had received back in 2007. However, that person is no longer active and their inbox is full. Upon seeing the inbox alert, I decided I REALLY wanted to get this off my chest. No names will be used, in or

It's been about six years, and I see that you are not active anymore. However, I still feel like I should get this off my chest. It acts as an apology to not only this person but towards anyone else I've ever come in contact with.

I've left names out, because it is rather rude to post private information. They call it 'private message' for a reason.

First off, I'd like to apologize for my actions and whomever it was that you said I hurt. I've since forgotten much of the context of our exchange.

I've done a lot of growing up since then. I've been married, divorced, arrested, jailed, arrested again, and even graduated college. I no longer identify as a Christian, and I no longer identify as male.

I am sorry for any stress that I may have caused you or those that cared about you. I was very passive aggressive, hurtful, and sadistic. The Internet is a powerful tool. When you grow up in the early 2000s having no friends, people throwing batteries at you on the bus, and an unstable home life - it would be no surprise that I would take to socializing online. It was not fair, however, for me to hurt others. I thought it would make me feel better.

I was struggling with legitimate gender issues. I feel like God sometimes gives us these struggles so that we may overcome them. He challenges us so that our faith may become stronger. I'm comfortable with who I am, but I understand I am not male. I love and respect the body God gave me, but I also understand he made my brain a different way. You might have a different opinion on gender identity, I don't know. I'm not trying to use this an excuse for the constant gender-switching to see the other forums. I was struggling back then. There was a lot of anxiety and inner turmoil, I suppose I was acting out instead of looking in.

I came here looking to find a Christian-oriented place that I could fit in. My church was full of people who made it a social thing, and I was more interested in the learning. Maybe that's why I identify more as a gnostic and/or deist now. All I did was turn this place into a playground for my anger. I manipulated people, I hurt people, I lied, and I loved every minute of it. I thought I was better than everyone else because I got away with it, too.

But did it really ever help me? No. It just taught me that I could be terrible to people just like people were terrible to me, and get away with it.

I'd like to give some context on what I'm responding to, but I'm not really so sure myself. Like I said, this was in 2007. Besides, there's a rule against that sort of thing, right?

Do not publicly release the contents of a member's private communications without permission.

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But since this "reply" was never sent, I don't suppose it can be considered contents of a private communication. I just want to put that out there. I'm not doing this out of spite, attention, or anything like that. I just wanted to apologize to a person. Since I can't, I might as well apologize to everyone.

A letter to my past

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