"You're only as happy as your unhappiest child"

[Gnarwhal]

This saying really rings true. A couple days ago my wife talked to my stepson, who stayed behind in New York to live with his grandparents, and later she told me she thinks he's depressed. Apparently his friends haven't been interested in hanging out but they're not busy either, they're just staying inside not doing anything (which is also his usual M.O. anyway). It's been three weeks since my wife, stepdaughter, and son moved out here so I think it's starting to hit him. He may be getting over the fun of having his 'own' place and now it's setting in that the move is permanent. Her mom relayed that he slept all day Wednesday and that really concerned my wife.

I've noticed this since my wife and I first started dating in 2020, that her emotional state is directly tied to her son. His twin sister and our six month old are much happier easy-going people but my stepson is someone who I suspect is willfully melancholy. Like the line from The Big Short, "you're happy when you're unhappy." He's never positive, always thinks everything sucks, and nothing can puts him in a good mood. He might have brief moments but overall he chooses a morose disposition. So since my wife spoke to him a few days ago and now she suspects he's sad or depressed, her attitude's been off as well.

My mom's always quoted the saying "you're only as happy as your unhappiest child" and I'm wondering what some good Catholic solutions might be for that in situations like this where she can't do anything about her sons unhappiness. It's one thing if you have a young child in the home that needs love and attention. It's another thing when that child's an adult (18) and living 2,500 miles away on the other side of the country.

Short of connecting her with a Catholic therapist I'm not sure if anything can be done, but maybe there are some easy-read suggestions I can leave lying around for her or something. I was hoping him staying behind and them moving out here would help decouple her an appropriate amount and their relationship would be more naturally ordered. But he FaceTimes with her and his sister every day, eating up a couple hours of their time each time at least. I knew it would be hard for my wife to be this far away from him and she would need time to adjust, overall I think she's doing great, but I also know my stepson can hold people hostage with his melancholy and I don't want them to be held back from the potential growth I see because he's choosing to be miserable in life.

 

[mourningdove~]

There is no "easy read" ...
least, none that I know of ...
and I have been dealing with dysfunctional family issues most all of my life.

Prayer, and patience, and more prayer ...

God is the One to bring about healing in families.
He sometimes seems slow to do it, but always He is working ...

 

[WarriorAngel]

This saying really rings true. A couple days ago my wife talked to my stepson, who stayed behind in New York to live with his grandparents, and later she told me she thinks he's depressed. Apparently his friends haven't been interested in hanging out but they're not busy either, they're just staying inside not doing anything (which is also his usual M.O. anyway). It's been three weeks since my wife, stepdaughter, and son moved out here so I think it's starting to hit him. He may be getting over the fun of having his 'own' place and now it's setting in that the move is permanent. Her mom relayed that he slept all day Wednesday and that really concerned my wife.

I've noticed this since my wife and I first started dating in 2020, that her emotional state is directly tied to her son. His twin sister and our six month old are much happier easy-going people but my stepson is someone who I suspect is willfully melancholy. Like the line from The Big Short, "you're happy when you're unhappy." He's never positive, always thinks everything sucks, and nothing can puts him in a good mood. He might have brief moments but overall he chooses a morose disposition. So since my wife spoke to him a few days ago and now she suspects he's sad or depressed, her attitude's been off as well.

My mom's always quoted the saying "you're only as happy as your unhappiest child" and I'm wondering what some good Catholic solutions might be for that in situations like this where she can't do anything about her sons unhappiness. It's one thing if you have a young child in the home that needs love and attention. It's another thing when that child's an adult (18) and living 2,500 miles away on the other side of the country.

Short of connecting her with a Catholic therapist I'm not sure if anything can be done, but maybe there are some easy-read suggestions I can leave lying around for her or something. I was hoping him staying behind and them moving out here would help decouple her an appropriate amount and their relationship would be more naturally ordered. But he FaceTimes with her and his sister every day, eating up a couple hours of their time each time at least. I knew it would be hard for my wife to be this far away from him and she would need time to adjust, overall I think she's doing great, but I also know my stepson can hold people hostage with his melancholy and I don't want them to be held back from the potential growth I see because he's choosing to be miserable in life.

The umbilical cord is never severed all through life.
Because once a mom, always a mom.

Moms put their children first. Probably instinct and survival but nurturing ad infinitum.
We imitate Our Lady the best we can, and in this department... yes.

 

[WarriorAngel]

Keep praying because two fold.
1. It strengthens our relationship with the Lord and keeps us in a close relationship, thus loving for others as well.
2. Prayer works, every day is another day of healing.

KEEP believing.

 

[Michie]

This saying really rings true. A couple days ago my wife talked to my stepson, who stayed behind in New York to live with his grandparents, and later she told me she thinks he's depressed. Apparently his friends haven't been interested in hanging out but they're not busy either, they're just staying inside not doing anything (which is also his usual M.O. anyway). It's been three weeks since my wife, stepdaughter, and son moved out here so I think it's starting to hit him. He may be getting over the fun of having his 'own' place and now it's setting in that the move is permanent. Her mom relayed that he slept all day Wednesday and that really concerned my wife.

I've noticed this since my wife and I first started dating in 2020, that her emotional state is directly tied to her son. His twin sister and our six month old are much happier easy-going people but my stepson is someone who I suspect is willfully melancholy. Like the line from The Big Short, "you're happy when you're unhappy." He's never positive, always thinks everything sucks, and nothing can puts him in a good mood. He might have brief moments but overall he chooses a morose disposition. So since my wife spoke to him a few days ago and now she suspects he's sad or depressed, her attitude's been off as well.

My mom's always quoted the saying "you're only as happy as your unhappiest child" and I'm wondering what some good Catholic solutions might be for that in situations like this where she can't do anything about her sons unhappiness. It's one thing if you have a young child in the home that needs love and attention. It's another thing when that child's an adult (18) and living 2,500 miles away on the other side of the country.

Short of connecting her with a Catholic therapist I'm not sure if anything can be done, but maybe there are some easy-read suggestions I can leave lying around for her or something. I was hoping him staying behind and them moving out here would help decouple her an appropriate amount and their relationship would be more naturally ordered. But he FaceTimes with her and his sister every day, eating up a couple hours of their time each time at least. I knew it would be hard for my wife to be this far away from him and she would need time to adjust, overall I think she's doing great, but I also know my stepson can hold people hostage with his melancholy and I don't want them to be held back from the potential growth I see because he's choosing to be miserable in life.

Have you thought about consulting a priest? He may be able to refer you to faith based professional help to guide you both through this situation.

 

[Gnarwhal]

Have you thought about consulting a priest? He may be able to refer you to faith based professional help to guide you both through this situation.

Yeah I think I will. I'm getting to know our new parochial vicar here a bit, and he's becoming aware of some of our family dynamics already so maybe it would be good to chat with him (if I can find time lol).

I think I'm going to see about setting her up with a counselor anyway. She used to do it regularly for about four years back in NY and I think she benefitted from it, so without even me directly saying "you need therapy to deal with this particular issue" I think she may appreciate talking to someone outside our friends and family structure. If for no other reason than to process the major change of moving cross-country, leaving a child behind, the other child starting college, being almost 40 and raising a <1 year old, parental and sibling issues, so on and so forth.

Hopefully this Catholic therapist I found down in the bay area who does telehealth/video chat sessions and accepts my insurance will be willing to take on a client from outside her area...

 

[Michie]

Yeah I think I will. I'm getting to know our new parochial vicar here a bit, and he's becoming aware of some of our family dynamics already so maybe it would be good to chat with him (if I can find time lol).

I think I'm going to see about setting her up with a counselor anyway. She used to do it regularly for about four years back in NY and I think she benefitted from it, so without even me directly saying "you need therapy to deal with this particular issue" I think she may appreciate talking to someone outside our friends and family structure. If for no other reason than to process the major change of moving cross-country, leaving a child behind, the other child starting college, being almost 40 and raising a <1 year old, parental and sibling issues, so on and so forth.

Hopefully this Catholic therapist I found down in the bay area who does telehealth/video chat sessions and accepts my insurance will be willing to take on a client from outside her area...

I think that sounds like a good plan. She is very blessed to have a husband that is helping her through this pattern she has with her son.

On another note, is she getting along well with your family? Is she still liking CA?

 

[Gnarwhal]

I think that sounds like a good plan. She is very blessed to have a husband that is helping her through this pattern she has with her son.

On another note, is she getting along well with your family? Is she still liking CA?

Thanks Michie!

She's getting along wonderfully with my fam (so is my stepdaughter, she's had a great attitude), my mom absolutely loves her. I think in general she's liking CA but it's also a bit of a wait-and-see because the weather since they've arrived hasn't been good, we've had an unusual heatwave with highs over 100 almost every day this month. Even those of us who are used to this kind of heat are sick of it, and it's really taken a toll on her because she doesn't want to go anywhere in it.

 

[Michie]

Thanks Michie!

She's getting along wonderfully with my fam (so is my stepdaughter, she's had a great attitude), my mom absolutely loves her. I think in general she's liking CA but it's also a bit of a wait-and-see because the weather since they've arrived hasn't been good, we've had an unusual heatwave with highs over 100 almost every day this month. Even those of us who are used to this kind of heat are sick of it, and it's really taken a toll on her because she doesn't want to go anywhere in it.

Well the weather seems to be hotter than usual everywhere. I bet she’ll be very glad once the winter months hit. I’m so happy the family are all getting along. Have your in-laws moved back to Ecuador yet?

 

[Gnarwhal]

Well the weather seems to be hotter than usual everywhere. I bet she’ll be very glad once the winter months hit. I’m so happy the family are all getting along. Have your in-laws moved back to Ecuador yet?

Me too, she's really taken quickly to them. Since we're so close to my parents sometimes my mom will stop by and my wife's happy to see her. My mom loves that she'll just hand the baby over to her to hold.

I'm not really sure what's up with the Ecuador plans. Her dad's not retiring until this winter because he has to be 66.5 to claim his full social security benefits. It sounds like they don't want to sell the house per se but want to sell it/give it to someone in the family. Hopefully they find a taker, cause it won't be us.

On top of the issues with her son she's also dealing with her parents, especially her dad, being super mopey about them moving and the baby being here. I try not to be offended by that because in my mind they have no right to be upset, they've had grandkids around for 19+ years, mine never have before and had to wait six months to meet their grandson. But whatever, her parents can feel how they want, it won't change anything and they're welcome to come visit. I know it's not a problem since they regular travel to South America.

Supposedly there are plans in the works for my stepson and mother-in-law to come visit soon before she goes to Ecuador, and then after them my father-in-law will come visit. Though he's supposedly planning to go home to El Salvador sometime soon. I'd prefer if they held off til Thanksgiving since I was thinking they could come stay for three weeks or so and be here for Thanksgiving and my wife's 40th birthday. But we'll see!

 

[Michie]

Me too, she's really taken quickly to them. Since we're so close to my parents sometimes my mom will stop by and my wife's happy to see her. My mom loves that she'll just hand the baby over to her to hold.

I'm not really sure what's up with the Ecuador plans. Her dad's not retiring until this winter because he has to be 66.5 to claim his full social security benefits. It sounds like they don't want to sell the house per se but want to sell it/give it to someone in the family. Hopefully they find a taker, cause it won't be us.

On top of the issues with her son she's also dealing with her parents, especially her dad, being super mopey about them moving and the baby being here. I try not to be offended by that because in my mind they have no right to be upset, they've had grandkids around for 19+ years, mine never have before and had to wait six months to meet their grandson. But whatever, her parents can feel how they want, it won't change anything and they're welcome to come visit. I know it's not a problem since they regular travel to South America.

Supposedly there are plans in the works for my stepson and mother-in-law to come visit soon before she goes to Ecuador, and then after them my father-in-law will come visit. Though he's supposedly planning to go home to El Salvador sometime soon. I'd prefer if they held off til Thanksgiving since I was thinking they could come stay for three weeks or so and be here for Thanksgiving and my wife's 40th birthday. But we'll see!

I think your wife is feeling guilt. Seems to be a pattern within the family. This is something she’ll have to come to terms with herself and it may take awhile. I think setting healthy boundaries might have been an underlying problem to the family dynamic which is sort of common in Latino family culture. I’m praying she can move past this and start enjoying her new life. It does not mean cutting anyone off but losing the codependency can be nothing but a win win for everyone. I pray that everyone can make the adjustment and enjoy their newfound freedom.

 

[Gnarwhal]

I think your wife is feeling guilt. Seems to be a pattern within the family. This is something she’ll have to come to terms with herself and it may take awhile. I think setting healthy boundaries might have been an underlying problem to the family dynamic which is sort of common in Latino family culture. I’m praying she can move past this and start enjoying her new life. It does not mean cutting anyone off but losing the codependency can be nothing but a win win for everyone. I pray that everyone can make the adjustment and enjoy their newfound freedom.

You're 100% correct, she carries a lot of guilt from throughout her life for different people and different things. I think she's just naturally predisposed to feel that way, which just shows why we're perfect together because I'm like that too so I can relate and recognize when it needs to be dealt with.

I think you're right about the boundaries thing, her family's boundaries are so much more fluid than what I'm used to. Frankly I think she prefers stronger boundaries like what my family has but she also doesn't realize all the places in life that the fluid boundaries exist, so that will take some nudging on my part to help her adjust.

I have a couple of areas of focus I plan to guide her in greater discipline, like with her taking up my precious free time by FaceTiming with her son/mom/sister for 1-2 hours, and also whipping them into shape for Mass on Sundays: putting greater importance on it rather than just "getting it out of the way" (she used that phrase yesterday) which means getting there early and not rushing off after.