LovebirdsFlying
My husband drew this cartoon of me.
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A few years ago I posted this on social media, where certain words might have activated an algorithm, so I had to get around those words with symbols. I'm going to remove the symbols here and say the actual words, because they don't trigger anything at CF. I also edited out one possible instance of bypassing. Other than that, I'm pasting it unchanged.
These observations come from my experience as a child being parented, then later as a parent and grandparent. Please tell me if you agree or disagree on any of them. I welcome your insight. Also, to anyone who does say these things to your children, please don't see this as me judging or condemning you. If it works for your child, great. I'm only intending to point out potential problems I see in what it actually teaches the child.
Article follows.
I'm thinking of things I believe most parents say to their children, which depending on the child and the circumstances, may or may not cause harm in the long run. My experience is that these phrases have left me with some very strong mental demons I've had to battle over the years. I will explain the problem behind the words, and I will suggest alternatives. Please feel free to add your own insight.
****TRIGGER WARNING**** These sayings may be disturbing to abuse survivors with PTSD. Note too that special characters are inserted into some words to decrease the odds that social media algorithms would mistake it for actual violent speech.
PHRASE: (After the child has already figured out it was wrong, and is clearly remorseful.) "Don't ever do that again!”
PROBLEM: You're telling them to jump a hurdle they've already cleared. Scolding after they’ve learned their lesson is going to make them feel resentful and hesitant to come to you next time they’re in a bind. Their thoughts will probably be something like, "Don’t do it again? Well, no kidding! How stupid do you think I am?"
ALTERNATIVES: In a firm but even tone, “Well, you’ll know better next time.” “I’ll bet you won’t make that mistake again.” “What did you learn from this experience?” “What should you have done instead?” “What do you plan to do in the future?” “How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?” If they don’t know what they should have done, or what to do next time, educate them. Even if you believe your child is only pretending to be sorry, so they can escape punishment, this approach is probably still better. If it does happen again, help them change their habits by removing temptation. Unless it’s a medical necessity, don’t be quick to replace items they’ve carelessly lost or broken. If they’re old enough, provide necessities and make them pay for their own luxuries. Revoke privileges they misused, and give them back when they demonstrate that they can be responsible.
UP FOR DEBATE: If it is a medical necessity, how about replacing it with the most utilitarian, least fashionable option on the market? In other words, if they keep breaking or losing their glasses, get the cheapest and ugliest frames you can find. Would that teach them a lesson, or would it be psychologically damaging?
PHRASE: “You’d better not ever let me catch you doing that again!”
PROBLEM: Same as above, plus it communicates that their actual mistake was letting you catch them. Next time, be sneakier and don’t get caught. Is that the lesson you want to teach them?
ALTERNATIVES: Same as above.
PHRASE: “Because I said so!”
PROBLEM: Sometimes this answer is appropriate, especially in an emergency or when the actual reason would be over the child’s head. For example, you probably don’t want to tell your five-year-old that you can’t go to Grandma’s house because Grandma went off her meds and is having an episode. Sometimes your child just needs to trust you. And yes, it’s true that in the grown up world, employers, drill sergeants, and what have you are going to expect their orders to be followed without being challenged at every point. You do need to prepare your child for that fact of life. However, “because I said so” should not be the automatic first and only response every time they ask why. A child who always obeys, immediately and without question, may appear to be every parent’s dream, but that child will be severely handicapped later in life. Obedience isn’t the only thing children need to learn. They also need to learn to think for themselves, and this attitude totally short circuits it. If their only reason for doing something is because you told them to, how will they proceed when you’re not there to tell them what to do?
ALTERNATIVES: If pressed for time, “Do it now, and I’ll explain later.” It’s probably a good rule in general to obey first and ask why afterward, if they haven’t figured it out by then. Make it plain by your habits and your history that they can come to you with questions when the time is right. If you’ve told them the reason, and the conversation just keeps going in circles, you might say, “Asked and answered.” “I explained it already.” “You tell me.” With some children, you may even be able to make a joke, such as, “Because elephants have flat feet,” or answer “why” with “Z.” But don’t make jokes when a child is confused and frustrated. That’s belittling and may leave them feeling unloved.
PHRASE: “I’m going to (insert threat of extreme violence here)!” Variations I’ve heard include “break your neck,” “blister your butt,” “beat you black and blue,” “tan your hide,” “mash you right in the mouth,” “smack you across the room,” “and “skin you alive.” Also included, cutesy rhymes (“You’re cruzin’ for a bruzin’!”) and obvious exaggerations (“I’ll knock you into the middle of next week!” “I’ll hit you so hard it’ll jar your grandmother!”) “I’ll wear you out” is probably the mildest of these, since it evokes the vaguest imagery. Still, there are better things to say.
PROBLEM: Do you know how literal-minded children are? I used to believe my mother actually was planning to break my neck! While you do want your children to think twice before doing wrong, you don’t want them afraid of you, personally. For the worst example of all, I’d nominate, “I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out!” Now, really. I know it’s supposed to be funny when they say it on TV, but you’ve just threatened to unalive your child. If your words aren’t intended to be taken at face value, then how do you expect them to learn that you mean what you say?
ALTERNATIVES: I’m not arguing for or against spanking. If you believe in it, and it’s legal where you live, and you can do it while keeping your temper and not harming your child either physically or psychologically, then while I may not agree, I’m not here to judge you. But why use colorful and possibly unduly frightening figures of speech? If you truly want to teach your child that you mean what you say, then say exactly what you mean. “I’ll spank you.”
PHRASE: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!” Also, any use of “baby” or “big boy/girl” in regard to the simple act of crying.
PROBLEM: You’ve just communicated to your child that it’s wrong to show emotions. To avoid disapproval or punishment, they must bottle their feelings up and turn themselves into robots. Don’t be surprised if later on, they need to go see a shrink because they can’t express their grief when a loved one dies. Also, if you respond to their uncontrolled emotions by promptly losing control of your own, then you’re teaching the double standard that you are allowed to express your feelings, but they are not.
ALTERNATIVES: Let them have their genuine feelings. If you believe it to be manipulation, I suggest, “Cry all you want to, but it won’t change anything.” “That’s not how to get what you want.” If it escalates into a full-scale monsoon, react as little as possible while not allowing them to hurt anybody or anything. Remove them to another location if necessary, but stay calm. Controlling yourself teaches them by example how to regulate their emotions. Give their feelings a name. “You’re angry.” “You’re disappointed.” Teach them the words to say, and walk them through appropriate ways to say them. Make it understood it’s not the feelings themselves that are right or wrong, but there are proper and improper ways to deal with them.
PHRASE: “I’m your parent! You’d better show me some respect!”
PROBLEM: If you also tell your child, “Respect is something you earn, not something you demand,” then you’re giving off the queen mother of all mixed signals. Here you are demanding it, while telling your child it’s not something you demand. Be honest with yourself, have you really earned it? You may have brought a child into this world, but who asked you to? Certainly not the child. Just because you put a bare minimum effort into keeping them alive, that doesn’t automatically mean you’re entitled. Any ward of the state gets that much. Next, keep in mind that really nobody should be actively disrespected. We should be polite to everybody, whether in authority or not, which also means respecting your child. Does that thought make you bristle? It need not. I said respect, not obey. They’re not the same thing. Finally, please don’t confuse respect with fear. You want your child to treat you and others respectfully because they are a polite person, and because they genuinely feel respect. Not because they live in fear of uttering one wrong word.
ALTERNATIVES: You want to be respected? Act respectable. You want your child to learn respect? Demonstrate it. “We respect each other in this house.” “I want to hear what you’re saying, but that came out wrong. Back up, think about it, and try it again.” “You’re allowed to be mad at me, but you’re not allowed to be disrespectful.”
PHRASE: “Do as I say, not as I do.”
PROBLEM: Must I really explain this one? Talk about hypocrisy!
ALTERNATIVES: If it’s a matter of legality, that’s out of your hands. You are allowed to vote, to drive a car, to purchase alcohol. Your child is not, because there is a minimum legal age for those things. If it’s a matter of safety, a job training analogy might help explain. In the adult world, when you get a job, you have to finish your training before you’re turned loose to do it. Here at home, you’ve been trained to cook, to use a lighter, to get into the medicine cabinet, to go out or stay home alone, to do things without asking permission. Your child has not, yet. When they are ready for training, they’ll get it, and then they’ll be allowed to do those things too. If it’s about a bad habit you don’t want your child to pick up, or a mistake you made that you don’t want your child to repeat, acknowledge it. “Yes, you’re right. That’s not a nice word, and I should control my language. I need to set a better example for you.” “Yes, I do smoke, and it’s bad for my health. Unfortunately I’m addicted. If I had never started, I wouldn’t have had to worry about quitting. I don’t want you to end up with the same problem I’ve got.” “It’s true I was a teen mother, but I wish I had waited. If I had been older and more settled when you were born, I could have given you a better life.” Sadly, your advice may or may not actually stop your child from going down the same road you regret going down. I honestly don’t know how to ensure that they won’t. My parents tried force and forbiddance. It didn’t work.
These observations come from my experience as a child being parented, then later as a parent and grandparent. Please tell me if you agree or disagree on any of them. I welcome your insight. Also, to anyone who does say these things to your children, please don't see this as me judging or condemning you. If it works for your child, great. I'm only intending to point out potential problems I see in what it actually teaches the child.
Article follows.
ALTERNATIVES TO COMMON PARENTING PHRASES
I'm thinking of things I believe most parents say to their children, which depending on the child and the circumstances, may or may not cause harm in the long run. My experience is that these phrases have left me with some very strong mental demons I've had to battle over the years. I will explain the problem behind the words, and I will suggest alternatives. Please feel free to add your own insight.
****TRIGGER WARNING**** These sayings may be disturbing to abuse survivors with PTSD. Note too that special characters are inserted into some words to decrease the odds that social media algorithms would mistake it for actual violent speech.
PHRASE: (After the child has already figured out it was wrong, and is clearly remorseful.) "Don't ever do that again!”
PROBLEM: You're telling them to jump a hurdle they've already cleared. Scolding after they’ve learned their lesson is going to make them feel resentful and hesitant to come to you next time they’re in a bind. Their thoughts will probably be something like, "Don’t do it again? Well, no kidding! How stupid do you think I am?"
ALTERNATIVES: In a firm but even tone, “Well, you’ll know better next time.” “I’ll bet you won’t make that mistake again.” “What did you learn from this experience?” “What should you have done instead?” “What do you plan to do in the future?” “How can we make sure this doesn’t happen again?” If they don’t know what they should have done, or what to do next time, educate them. Even if you believe your child is only pretending to be sorry, so they can escape punishment, this approach is probably still better. If it does happen again, help them change their habits by removing temptation. Unless it’s a medical necessity, don’t be quick to replace items they’ve carelessly lost or broken. If they’re old enough, provide necessities and make them pay for their own luxuries. Revoke privileges they misused, and give them back when they demonstrate that they can be responsible.
UP FOR DEBATE: If it is a medical necessity, how about replacing it with the most utilitarian, least fashionable option on the market? In other words, if they keep breaking or losing their glasses, get the cheapest and ugliest frames you can find. Would that teach them a lesson, or would it be psychologically damaging?
PHRASE: “You’d better not ever let me catch you doing that again!”
PROBLEM: Same as above, plus it communicates that their actual mistake was letting you catch them. Next time, be sneakier and don’t get caught. Is that the lesson you want to teach them?
ALTERNATIVES: Same as above.
PHRASE: “Because I said so!”
PROBLEM: Sometimes this answer is appropriate, especially in an emergency or when the actual reason would be over the child’s head. For example, you probably don’t want to tell your five-year-old that you can’t go to Grandma’s house because Grandma went off her meds and is having an episode. Sometimes your child just needs to trust you. And yes, it’s true that in the grown up world, employers, drill sergeants, and what have you are going to expect their orders to be followed without being challenged at every point. You do need to prepare your child for that fact of life. However, “because I said so” should not be the automatic first and only response every time they ask why. A child who always obeys, immediately and without question, may appear to be every parent’s dream, but that child will be severely handicapped later in life. Obedience isn’t the only thing children need to learn. They also need to learn to think for themselves, and this attitude totally short circuits it. If their only reason for doing something is because you told them to, how will they proceed when you’re not there to tell them what to do?
ALTERNATIVES: If pressed for time, “Do it now, and I’ll explain later.” It’s probably a good rule in general to obey first and ask why afterward, if they haven’t figured it out by then. Make it plain by your habits and your history that they can come to you with questions when the time is right. If you’ve told them the reason, and the conversation just keeps going in circles, you might say, “Asked and answered.” “I explained it already.” “You tell me.” With some children, you may even be able to make a joke, such as, “Because elephants have flat feet,” or answer “why” with “Z.” But don’t make jokes when a child is confused and frustrated. That’s belittling and may leave them feeling unloved.
PHRASE: “I’m going to (insert threat of extreme violence here)!” Variations I’ve heard include “break your neck,” “blister your butt,” “beat you black and blue,” “tan your hide,” “mash you right in the mouth,” “smack you across the room,” “and “skin you alive.” Also included, cutesy rhymes (“You’re cruzin’ for a bruzin’!”) and obvious exaggerations (“I’ll knock you into the middle of next week!” “I’ll hit you so hard it’ll jar your grandmother!”) “I’ll wear you out” is probably the mildest of these, since it evokes the vaguest imagery. Still, there are better things to say.
PROBLEM: Do you know how literal-minded children are? I used to believe my mother actually was planning to break my neck! While you do want your children to think twice before doing wrong, you don’t want them afraid of you, personally. For the worst example of all, I’d nominate, “I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out!” Now, really. I know it’s supposed to be funny when they say it on TV, but you’ve just threatened to unalive your child. If your words aren’t intended to be taken at face value, then how do you expect them to learn that you mean what you say?
ALTERNATIVES: I’m not arguing for or against spanking. If you believe in it, and it’s legal where you live, and you can do it while keeping your temper and not harming your child either physically or psychologically, then while I may not agree, I’m not here to judge you. But why use colorful and possibly unduly frightening figures of speech? If you truly want to teach your child that you mean what you say, then say exactly what you mean. “I’ll spank you.”
PHRASE: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about!” Also, any use of “baby” or “big boy/girl” in regard to the simple act of crying.
PROBLEM: You’ve just communicated to your child that it’s wrong to show emotions. To avoid disapproval or punishment, they must bottle their feelings up and turn themselves into robots. Don’t be surprised if later on, they need to go see a shrink because they can’t express their grief when a loved one dies. Also, if you respond to their uncontrolled emotions by promptly losing control of your own, then you’re teaching the double standard that you are allowed to express your feelings, but they are not.
ALTERNATIVES: Let them have their genuine feelings. If you believe it to be manipulation, I suggest, “Cry all you want to, but it won’t change anything.” “That’s not how to get what you want.” If it escalates into a full-scale monsoon, react as little as possible while not allowing them to hurt anybody or anything. Remove them to another location if necessary, but stay calm. Controlling yourself teaches them by example how to regulate their emotions. Give their feelings a name. “You’re angry.” “You’re disappointed.” Teach them the words to say, and walk them through appropriate ways to say them. Make it understood it’s not the feelings themselves that are right or wrong, but there are proper and improper ways to deal with them.
PHRASE: “I’m your parent! You’d better show me some respect!”
PROBLEM: If you also tell your child, “Respect is something you earn, not something you demand,” then you’re giving off the queen mother of all mixed signals. Here you are demanding it, while telling your child it’s not something you demand. Be honest with yourself, have you really earned it? You may have brought a child into this world, but who asked you to? Certainly not the child. Just because you put a bare minimum effort into keeping them alive, that doesn’t automatically mean you’re entitled. Any ward of the state gets that much. Next, keep in mind that really nobody should be actively disrespected. We should be polite to everybody, whether in authority or not, which also means respecting your child. Does that thought make you bristle? It need not. I said respect, not obey. They’re not the same thing. Finally, please don’t confuse respect with fear. You want your child to treat you and others respectfully because they are a polite person, and because they genuinely feel respect. Not because they live in fear of uttering one wrong word.
ALTERNATIVES: You want to be respected? Act respectable. You want your child to learn respect? Demonstrate it. “We respect each other in this house.” “I want to hear what you’re saying, but that came out wrong. Back up, think about it, and try it again.” “You’re allowed to be mad at me, but you’re not allowed to be disrespectful.”
PHRASE: “Do as I say, not as I do.”
PROBLEM: Must I really explain this one? Talk about hypocrisy!
ALTERNATIVES: If it’s a matter of legality, that’s out of your hands. You are allowed to vote, to drive a car, to purchase alcohol. Your child is not, because there is a minimum legal age for those things. If it’s a matter of safety, a job training analogy might help explain. In the adult world, when you get a job, you have to finish your training before you’re turned loose to do it. Here at home, you’ve been trained to cook, to use a lighter, to get into the medicine cabinet, to go out or stay home alone, to do things without asking permission. Your child has not, yet. When they are ready for training, they’ll get it, and then they’ll be allowed to do those things too. If it’s about a bad habit you don’t want your child to pick up, or a mistake you made that you don’t want your child to repeat, acknowledge it. “Yes, you’re right. That’s not a nice word, and I should control my language. I need to set a better example for you.” “Yes, I do smoke, and it’s bad for my health. Unfortunately I’m addicted. If I had never started, I wouldn’t have had to worry about quitting. I don’t want you to end up with the same problem I’ve got.” “It’s true I was a teen mother, but I wish I had waited. If I had been older and more settled when you were born, I could have given you a better life.” Sadly, your advice may or may not actually stop your child from going down the same road you regret going down. I honestly don’t know how to ensure that they won’t. My parents tried force and forbiddance. It didn’t work.
