Wife won't attend church

[Chaston Hall]

Good morning, I hope someone can give me some advice.

Here's the situation:

My wife and I have been married for coming on 6 years now, been together for 10. My mother and my wife do not get along. My mother is very opinionated, cold, bitter, and passive aggressive to anyone that thinks differently than her. My wife happens to be one of those who is different than her, and though I won't get into it, but has given my mom a reason to dislike her (which happened almost 6 years ago, but my mom has not forgiven her). My wife, during the first few years put up with the rudeness/ugliness, but now refuses to go to any functions where my mom is present. Including church. I love my church, my kids love our church, my wife refuses to go to church because my mom attends and sits with me. This is particularly difficult for me because my mom is who brought me up in the faith and claims to be saved. However, her (I would say hatred) for my wife leads me to believe otherwise. We can do all the righteous works in the world, but if we don't LOVE, then it's pointless/nothing. My mom is one side of the issue, my wife is the other. My wife refuses to go to church with me and the kids because my mom is there. She claims that she shouldn't have to put up with being treated that way. My mom is not openly rude to her but very passive aggressive. Every Sunday I invite her to go to church but it often turns into an argument, with the same result, me leaving with the kids without her to church. I need help. I want SO bad for everybody to get along and attend church every Sunday. I tell my wife that being in God's house will neutralize my mom's ugliness (like I said, she believes but has a hard time loving my wife), but she still refuses. I get not wanting to be around someone unpleasant, I do. However my wife would like to just never be around my mom, ever again. Which is obviously a problem and an unreal expectation. She has said numerous times that she would go to church with me if we go to another church. Problem with that is, is that my mom would follow me and my boys to whatever church we would go to. I love my church and have recently taken on being the Sunday school teacher for 5th grade ad love it. I'm torn. It's like, "Do I choose between my wife or my mom?" I really don't like how stubborn they both are on the issue. Its a matter of pride for both of them. Any ideas?

 

[Albion]

Your wife appears to have good reason for wanting to keep her distance from your mother, so I'd suggest you accept that. What to do instead is a problem, but I would certainly advise cutting out all the pleading, arguing, and so on, especially if that's done in front of the kids prior to leaving for church.

Either continue with the same format but without the debates and make the best of it...or turn your attention to your mother rather than towards your wife.

You talk as though your mother's position is something you just accept as a "given," but you won't do the same in the case of your spouse.

Failing all of that (perhaps because there's too much water that's already passed under this bridge), I'd look more closely at the possibilities of changing churches. If your mother is as opinionated and inflexible as you suggest, I wonder if there may not be a church to which she would NOT follow all of you for one reason or another, because of doctrine and religious practice, for instance.

 

[A_Thinker]

Good morning, I hope someone can give me some advice.

Here's the situation:

My wife and I have been married for coming on 6 years now, been together for 10. My mother and my wife do not get along. My mother is very opinionated, cold, bitter, and passive aggressive to anyone that thinks differently than her. My wife happens to be one of those who is different than her, and though I won't get into it, but has given my mom a reason to dislike her (which happened almost 6 years ago, but my mom has not forgiven her). My wife, during the first few years put up with the rudeness/ugliness, but now refuses to go to any functions where my mom is present. Including church. I love my church, my kids love our church, my wife refuses to go to church because my mom attends and sits with me. This is particularly difficult for me because my mom is who brought me up in the faith and claims to be saved. However, her (I would say hatred) for my wife leads me to believe otherwise. We can do all the righteous works in the world, but if we don't LOVE, then it's pointless/nothing. My mom is one side of the issue, my wife is the other. My wife refuses to go to church with me and the kids because my mom is there. She claims that she shouldn't have to put up with being treated that way. My mom is not openly rude to her but very passive aggressive. Every Sunday I invite her to go to church but it often turns into an argument, with the same result, me leaving with the kids without her to church. I need help. I want SO bad for everybody to get along and attend church every Sunday. I tell my wife that being in God's house will neutralize my mom's ugliness (like I said, she believes but has a hard time loving my wife), but she still refuses. I get not wanting to be around someone unpleasant, I do. However my wife would like to just never be around my mom, ever again. Which is obviously a problem and an unreal expectation. She has said numerous times that she would go to church with me if we go to another church. Problem with that is, is that my mom would follow me and my boys to whatever church we would go to. I love my church and have recently taken on being the Sunday school teacher for 5th grade ad love it. I'm torn. It's like, "Do I choose between my wife or my mom?" I really don't like how stubborn they both are on the issue. Its a matter of pride for both of them. Any ideas?

Your mother is the root of the problem.

From your posting, it is evident that she is focused upon making your wife's life a living hell (to the extent that she can).

Your wife is past the point of being able to put up with it. It, actually, is important to her mental/emotional health ... that she not subject herself to such abuse.

Your task ... is figure out how to render due care for your wife's health ... in the face of your mother's oppression. I think that it's time for a talk with your Mom. If your Mom refuses to budge, ... then perhaps you should join your wife on Sundays ... and make something work for church for awhile away from your mother (could be online).

You could declare that you and your wife are going to begin visiting churches ... to see which one will work for you ... and keep it up for awhile. I doubt that your mother will be able to keep up with that level of inconsistency.

Your mother has to come to understand that you are not going to allow her to abuse your wife. It really comes down to that ...

 

[Chaston Hall]

Thanks for your reply and insight Albion. Both my mom and my wife have their reasons, which I can see both sides of. My brother and I were raised by my mom only, my dad bailed when I was 8 years old. So I never really grew up in a home with the traditional family. My brother, my mom, and I are all SUPER close. My mom loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. I will elaborate a little further to shed light on my mom's point of view. Keep in mind prior to this incident their relationship was fine, not great, but fine.

When my wife was pregnant with our first son, we were in college and she worked at a clothing store with other college kids. She had a group of work friends she would hang out with, a gay guy and two other females. I never thought anything wrong with this scenario, and wouldn't worry when she left to go hang with them. However about a month before our son was born, the "gay" guy announced he had feelings for my wife. My wife denied anything further than them just hanging out. I believed her, I had no reason not to. Fast forward to 5 mins after my son's birth. My wife and I had just been through quite the experience of childbirth, when a nurse peeks her head in the door and blurts out, "there's some guy in the lobby claiming to be the father of your child." My wife and I knew it was him and were kind of shocked in disbelief but kind of laughed it off. What we did not know was the scene that had unfolded in the waiting room of the hospital where my mom, her family, and the rest of our families were. This guy had proceeded to tell everyone they were having an affair and that our son was his. So you know, what parent wouldn't have some sort of anger at someone cheating on their son, right? My mom demanded a DNA test to make sure our child was ours, I agreed to the testing just to get everyone off our back. The test came back and sure enough it was my son. However my mom to this day believes my wife cheated on me and has not forgiven her. My wife maintains that she never had any sexual contact with this guy and I believe her...for the most part. There are some things that my wife cannot explain to completely rule it all out. God ultimately knows, so i'll leave it to Him. Anyway, that's why my mom holds this disdain for her. My mom see's her son being hurt and I guess in some sort of over protective love she can't stand my wife for what she perceives she's done.

First time I've talked with somebody about all this. Feels great.

 

[BigDaddy4]

"Do I choose between my wife or my mom?"

If you have to ask this question, then your marriage is in trouble. Put your hand behind you. Feel those bumps in the middle of your back? That's called a spine. Use it. Cut the cord with your mom already. Your wife should win any choice you make. Set boundaries with your mom. Have her sit somewhere else at church. Have a serious discussion with her where she will not be welcome to be around your family until she changes her behavior toward your wife. Apologize to your wife for not standing up for her, for putting your mom, your church, these circumstances, above her needs.

 

[snoochface]

Leave and cleave. You haven't left your mother and you're not cleaving to your wife. Change churches. Don't tell your mother where you are going. Draw a boundary and stick to it. You are being disloyal to your wife by setting this up as if it were a choice between your wife or your mother. It's not. There is no choice. You have a responsibility to your wife that you are not honoring.

 

[Albion]

Thanks for your reply and insight Albion. Both my mom and my wife have their reasons, which I can see both sides of. My brother and I were raised by my mom only, my dad bailed when I was 8 years old. So I never really grew up in a home with the traditional family. My brother, my mom, and I are all SUPER close. My mom loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me. I will elaborate a little further to shed light on my mom's point of view. Keep in mind prior to this incident their relationship was fine, not great, but fine.

When my wife was pregnant with our first son, we were in college and she worked at a clothing store with other college kids. She had a group of work friends she would hang out with, a gay guy and two other females. I never thought anything wrong with this scenario, and wouldn't worry when she left to go hang with them. However about a month before our son was born, the "gay" guy announced he had feelings for my wife. My wife denied anything further than them just hanging out. I believed her, I had no reason not to. Fast forward to 5 mins after my son's birth. My wife and I had just been through quite the experience of childbirth, when a nurse peeks her head in the door and blurts out, "there's some guy in the lobby claiming to be the father of your child." My wife and I knew it was him and were kind of shocked in disbelief but kind of laughed it off. What we did not know was the scene that had unfolded in the waiting room of the hospital where my mom, her family, and the rest of our families were. This guy had proceeded to tell everyone they were having an affair and that our son was his. So you know, what parent wouldn't have some sort of anger at someone cheating on their son, right? My mom demanded a DNA test to make sure our child was ours, I agreed to the testing just to get everyone off our back. The test came back and sure enough it was my son. However my mom to this day believes my wife cheated on me and has not forgiven her. My wife maintains that she never had any sexual contact with this guy and I believe her...for the most part. There are some things that my wife cannot explain to completely rule it all out. God ultimately knows, so i'll leave it to Him. Anyway, that's why my mom holds this disdain for her. My mom see's her son being hurt and I guess in some sort of over protective love she can't stand my wife for what she perceives she's done.

First time I've talked with somebody about all this. Feels great.

Hello again! I appreciate the time and attention to detail that you devoted to explaining the matter to me, a complete stranger. My initial impression is that, yes, it's understandable that your mother would be put off by all of that. But still in all, the situation that you've inherited requires either some sort of formal reconciliation or a complete separation.

Having tried to persuade your wife, and failed, you can only turn to your mother in hopes of finding some movement which, by the way, wouldn't require her to change her mind, just her behavior. And how unreasonable would that be, I'm wondering? If there is no "give," then everyone is facing 20 or 30 years of this impasse. What's more, it's YOU who is being hurt more than your wife.

 

[miamited]

Hi @Chaston Hall

My mom loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me.

Are you interested in testing that hyposthesis?

Tell your mom that she's got a choice. She can love your wife or you'll be going to another fellowship. Explain to her, that according to the Scriptures that she claims to believe, God has said that he (her son) shall cleave to his wife...not his mother. You only owe your mother honor, according to the word of God.

Explain to her, that love is a choice. It is something that someone decides to do for another. Just as God's love is a choice that He made for us. I believe that in any long term relationship, we will always come to those times where we need to remind ourselves that love is a choice. The emotions, the huggy-huggy feelings, the elation of early romance will fade in any long term relationship. Love, however, is a choice that one makes towards another even when all of that is gone.

Then, sit back and see if your mother would really do anything for you. Since you bring up the issue of forgiveness and seem to infer that something happened in the past that was serious enough that there is no forgiveness forthcoming, you might also want to turn in the Scriptures and read with her Jesus' claim that God is going to forgive her in the very same manner that she has forgiven others. That's always a very powerful motivator for me to always seek to reach out in forgiveness to someone that I perceive has done me wrong. She likely even says those words every time that she utters the Lord's prayer. Forgive us our sin just as we forgive those who sin against us. She actually tells God to do that every time she prays that prayer.

God bless,
Ted

 

[Chaston Hall]

Hi @Chaston Hall



Are you interested in testing that hyposthesis?

Tell your mom that she's got a choice. She can love your wife or you'll be going to another fellowship. Explain to her, that according to the Scriptures that she claims to believe, God has said that he (her son) shall cleave to his wife...not his mother. You only owe your mother honor, according to the word of God.

Explain to her, that love is a choice. It is something that someone decides to do for another. Just as God's love is a choice that He made for us. I believe that in any long term relationship, we will always come to those times where we need to remind ourselves that love is a choice. The emotions, the huggy-huggy feelings, the elation of early romance will fade in any long term relationship. Love, however, is a choice that one makes towards another even when all of that is gone.

Then, sit back and see if your mother would really do anything for you. Since you bring up the issue of forgiveness and seem to infer that something happened in the past that was serious enough that there is no forgiveness forthcoming, you might also want to turn in the Scriptures and read with her Jesus' claim that God is going to forgive her in the very same manner that she has forgiven others. That's always a very powerful motivator for me to always seek to reach out in forgiveness to someone that I perceive has done me wrong.

God bless,
Ted

Ted, thank you for your response. You have some wonderfully stated points that I will certainly reflect on and use in the planning of the talk with my mom. Thanks you brother.

 

[Chaston Hall]

Hello again! I appreciate the time and attention to detail that you devoted to explaining the matter to me, a complete stranger. My initial impression is that, yes, it's understandable that your mother would be put off by all of that. But still in all, the situation that you've inherited requires either some sort of formal reconciliation or a complete separation.

Having tried to persuade your wife, and failed, you can only turn to your mother in hopes of finding some movement which, by the way, wouldn't require her to change her mind, just her behavior. And how unreasonable would that be, I'm wondering? If there is no "give," then everyone is facing 20 or 30 years of this impasse. What's more, it's YOU who is being hurt more than your wife.

The way I see it, you're no stranger to me, we're ONE in Christ. Thank you for reading that lengthy paragraph. I don't like to be long-winded but needed to explain. Going to proceed with talking to my mom in hopes of reconciliation. You're right it is ME who is being hurt, and I'm tired of it. Thanks for your honesty and insight. Will notify you, if you care to know the outcome, once I have talked with her.

 

[Chaston Hall]

If you have to ask this question, then your marriage is in trouble. Put your hand behind you. Feel those bumps in the middle of your back? That's called a spine. Use it. Cut the cord with your mom already. Your wife should win any choice you make. Set boundaries with your mom. Have her sit somewhere else at church. Have a serious discussion with her where she will not be welcome to be around your family until she changes her behavior toward your wife. Apologize to your wife for not standing up for her, for putting your mom, your church, these circumstances, above her needs.

Thank you for the tough love brother. You're absolutely right, my marriage is in trouble, I'll be honest. I'm going to talk with my mom in hopes of reconciliation first. If she is unwilling to budge, no matter what my wife will be put first. I love your straight cut honesty here, needed to hear it. I appreciate you taking the time to help me out.

 

[A_Thinker]

However my mom to this day believes my wife cheated on me and has not forgiven her. My wife maintains that she never had any sexual contact with this guy and I believe her...for the most part.

If you're at peace with it, ... your mom needs to let it go.

My mom loves me unconditionally and would do anything for me.

If this is true, ... then she can stop abusing your wife ...

 

[Chaston Hall]

Your mother is the root of the problem.

From your posting, it is evident that she is focused upon making your wife's life a living hell (to the extent that she can).

Your wife is past the point of being able to put up with it. It, actually, is important to her mental/emotional health ... that she not subject herself to such abuse.

Your task ... is figure out how to render due care for your wife's health ... in the face of your mother's oppression. I think that it's time for a talk with your Mom. If your Mom refuses to budge, ... then perhaps you should join your wife on Sundays ... and make something work for church for awhile away from your mother (could be online).

You could declare that you and your wife are going to begin visiting churches ... to see which one will work for you ... and keep it up for awhile. I doubt that your mother will be able to keep up with that level of inconsistency.

Your mother has to come to understand that you are not going to allow her to abuse your wife. It really comes down to that ...

Amen. Thank you so much for taking time out of your day to give me some guidance A_Thinker. Alot of what you said is on point. It is my job to put my wife first, thank you for the humbling refresher. I am going to talk with my mom, will be a tough one, but needs to happen for my marriage's sake. Once again, thank you for your time.

 

[RaymondG]

"27 And when Jesus departed thence, two blind men followed him, crying, and saying, Thou son of David, have mercy on us.
28 And when he was come into the house, the blind men came to him: and Jesus saith unto them, Believe ye that I am able to do this? They said unto him, Yea, Lord.
29 Then touched he their eyes, saying, According to your faith be it unto you."


Do everything you can to save your relationship with your mother and your wife. And if you happen to fail, or find that the process is taking longer than you'd like..... Ask God to fix it for you, believe that He can do it......then stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.......

 

[Tolworth John]

She has said numerous times that she would go to church with me if we go to another church.

Go with your wife to an eveening service, while your mother babysists your kids.

Long term put it to your mother, does she care about her grandchildren, does she want to be part of their lives?
If she does she has to change and stop alienating your wife.
Ultimatly your futur is with her.

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[turkle]

You mentioned that your father left when you were very young. My parents divorced when I was 7, and subsequently my mother "spousified" me. That means that she depended on me for company, companionship and emotional support. I think that the same possibly may have happened to you and your brother. It's not uncommon for a parent, usually the mother, to become possessive of the child, and find any excuse to dislike the spouse of the child.

As for the story of your firstborn, I question how your mother can take the word of a complete stranger over you and your wife. DNA evidence was presented, case closed. But you seem to suspect that there was something more there, which is troubling. Do you think this all is firmly in the past?

Finally, I understand your wife's reluctance to be anywhere near your mother. I also had to place harsh boundaries on my own mother because of her passive aggressiveness. She refused to comply, so I eventually stopped talking to her. I gave her every chance to improve her behavior, but since being nasty was more important than our relationship, I realized that she had made her choice. I don't regret it for one moment. I suspect that your mother is jealous of your relationship with your wife and is trying to compete. As long as you are sitting with your mother and not your wife in church, I would wager that your mother sees this as a win. And your wife most likely sees it as a loss, that you are choosing your mother over her. As others have mentioned, this is poison for your relationship with your wife, as well as your children. It is up to you and your wife to model what a healthy marital relationship looks like.

God said leave and cleave for a good reason. This messiness will not end well if unresolved, so I am glad that you are going to have a talk with your mother. As with my mother, the relationship is entirely up to her. If she chooses to humble herself and apologize to your wife with a promise to control her ugly behavior, there is hope for a good relationship, assuming your wife is willing to forgive. If not, I would suggest putting distance between yourself and your mother and make sure that your wife knows that you are cleaving to her only.

 

[HannahT]

I think you have to accept that you are NOT going to make both happy. You also have to acknowledge that there is a real possibility that you might have to choose between your family - and your mother. No offense, but I would stay home as well. If my husband couldn't figure out why? I'm afraid that would plant doubts in my mind.

There is NO reason for you fight about services. Go to a different service time, and allow your mom/brother to go to another. You shouldn't be forcing someone to sit with someone that has treated her with down right contempt ON purpose! There has been more than enough time to move on, and she has chosen NOT too. Would you want to spend regular time with a person that treats you like they hate your guts, and are expected to be okay with that? Seriously think about that.

Your mother's personality type - which you acknowledged - wants to win the battle. It's NOT that easy to just turn that switch and change that. I'm sure she will feel a bit threatened by your discussion once you have it, and she might even promise the moon. Don't expect your wife to fall in line, because she did. Sadly, with that personality type the comments will return because your wife didn't fall in line - and she will start blaming her again. Contrition is called for in the bible - that's separate from forgiveness. People tend to try to melt the two different concepts together, and they really shouldn't be. They are completely different.

If by some miracle your mother changes, and doesn't make the passive aggressive remarks about your wife NOT wanting to met halfway? Don't push. Trust takes time, and actions speak louder than words. You have already allowed your mother to be enabled in her bad behavior, and you have given your wife no reason to trust you would back her up either. I don't think you realized you have helped burn the bridge. What is more important at this stage is your wife feels you have her back, and if that is at the expense of the relationship cracks with mom? You need to own that, and realize your mother's personality flaw. This is going to take more than one conversation.

I realize you may feel you are in between a rock and hard place. It's not an easy feeling, but you also need to get counsel on boundaries. Something you are NOT used to with your mother, and something she has trained you NOT to have. My father struggled with a relationship he yearned for with his father. It took him years to accept certain realities. This isn't as uncommon as you might think, but learning to deal properly with it will give you growth and happiness. It will help your marriage, and will show good role model material to your children.

You are to honor your mother, but remember she isn't the top on your totem pole of life. God First, and your wife and family are second. Mom is down the line a bit, and PA people tend to use those skills to trip you up - and put them first out of guilt. It's not easy to refuse, but you must.

My prayers are with you all. You have a long road ahead, but God will guide you in the right direction!