When it's not ok to be yourself.

[ForHisGlory2008]

How would you feel about working in a place where it's not ok to be yourself? For example, if you were a reserved person who was always open to others but approached with a bit of caution in terms of building intimate relationships and your boss wanted you to be more outgoing and basically be something you are not? If it was all about image ... not authenticity ....

 

[darkshadow]

I have had a very similar problem. I used to be a very outgoing person, and after some devastation in my life I became a real recluse. Now thanks to a loving and caring wife I am coming out of my shell. You can be a reserved person and outgoing. You do not have to be "friends" with everyone and let your life be an open book, to be outgoing. Have fun live, that is what God wants us to do is enjoy life. You do have to be honest with yourself though. If you have problems being with other people for no other reason then you just like to be alone, then that is ok too. Just make sure it is not fear of being around others that is holding you back, you may regret what you are missing. In short my best advise is go the the Lord, he will always help when we truly give him the problem.

 

[ForHisGlory2008]

I guess the thing is, I have two workplaces. One I fit in with perfectly ... I'm more outgoing because I feel accepted and 'ok'. I feel more valued, more part of the team, they treat me like a professional ... and that affects my level of outgoing-ness too. The workplace I'm having problems with is church. I do good work but aren't as outgoing as the image they want to project. That says to me it's a problem with the system and less with me but it does play with my head and make me think that maybe I'm defective.

 

[darkshadow]

I used to be involved with my ex-church. I was the youth leader, sunday school superintendant, and sometimes fill in preacher. When the church started doing more what the congregation wanted then what the Bible says, I left. Now in the church I am in, I feel kind of like an outsider, or non-trusting of anyone. It is the whole "I just don't want to be hurt again" we go through. Something I have learned the hard way is DO NOT let the church burden your relationship with God. Remember Satan is in the church more then anywhere. Why? He already has those in the world, he wants those in the church. Find a good group to study with, and you will be ok. Remeber the old saying, "You can count all your really good friends on one hand, the ones that are there no matter what, minus you pinky and thumb." Hang in there it gets better I know. I hate meeting new people and doing new things at first, but as soon as I make mayself start to I relax and have a good time, and that is in the church. If the church is however, not a Bible believing, Christ following church, that is not feeding you properly spiritualy then think of leaving, a job is not worth your relationship with God.

 

[Elijah2]

How would you feel about working in a place where it's not ok to be yourself? For example, if you were a reserved person who was always open to others but approached with a bit of caution in terms of building intimate relationships and your boss wanted you to be more outgoing and basically be something you are not? If it was all about image ... not authenticity ....

Always be who you are, but don't try to be who you are not!

Be blessed in Jesus' Name.

 

[kdrmckinney]

I think it is very damaging to try to be someone or something we are not. (I speak from years of vocational experience in a very mis-matched field for my personality.) Pray for guidance in this job. Perhaps you are to be there to show your boss that all personality types can be vocationally successful or perhaps you are to move on. I don't think you should force yourself to be any way that makes you cringe. You will wind up hating the job and questioning yourself.

God bless.

 

[drich0150]

I say business is business, and do what you have to do to survive while at work. Or look at it this way. What if you were at a hospital.. And say everyone who worked at the there was reserved and alittle stand offish when when it came to personal contact. How would you feel if a Doctor was not willing to make a connection with the you while being treated? Is it ok for them to remain buried within there own personality, instead of offering you some peace of mind as to what it is your there for? Or would you enjoy being treated as a medical procedure?
What about a food server at a restaurant? How much would you be willing to tip if they only spoke to you to ask for your order?
Why should anyone you come in contact with at your work, be asked to make an exception in their "feelings" when being attended by you, When you may not enjoy the very same kind of treatment from someone else? (rhetorical)

Unless you apart of the "Oldest profession in the world" I'm sure you boss isn't asking you to give his customers access to your inner most being. He just wants to create a friendly atmosphere in which to conduct business. There is nothing immoral about that. All that is going on here is your being asked to grow personally to expand yourself beyond your current borders. You can look at this as an insult and withdraw into yourself further, or you can develop your personality into something or someone who encompasses the personality traits any employer would appreciate. Meaning you would not be betraying who you are, you would be growing into your own version of who your boss would like to see at work.

 

[bsd13]

I guess the thing is, I have two workplaces. One I fit in with perfectly ... I'm more outgoing because I feel accepted and 'ok'. I feel more valued, more part of the team, they treat me like a professional ... and that affects my level of outgoing-ness too. The workplace I'm having problems with is church. I do good work but aren't as outgoing as the image they want to project. That says to me it's a problem with the system and less with me but it does play with my head and make me think that maybe I'm defective.

Maybe it's time to step aside/down from your duties at the church and find another job if you need the money?

 

[ForHisGlory2008]

I say business is business, and do what you have to do to survive while at work. Or look at it this way. What if you were at a hospital.. And say everyone who worked at the there was reserved and alittle stand offish when when it came to personal contact. How would you feel if a Doctor was not willing to make a connection with the you while being treated? Is it ok for them to remain buried within there own personality, instead of offering you some peace of mind as to what it is your there for? Or would you enjoy being treated as a medical procedure?
What about a food server at a restaurant? How much would you be willing to tip if they only spoke to you to ask for your order?
Why should anyone you come in contact with at your work, be asked to make an exception in their "feelings" when being attended by you, When you may not enjoy the very same kind of treatment from someone else? (rhetorical)

Unless you apart of the "Oldest profession in the world" I'm sure you boss isn't asking you to give his customers access to your inner most being. He just wants to create a friendly atmosphere in which to conduct business. There is nothing immoral about that. All that is going on here is your being asked to grow personally to expand yourself beyond your current borders. You can look at this as an insult and withdraw into yourself further, or you can develop your personality into something or someone who encompasses the personality traits any employer would appreciate. Meaning you would not be betraying who you are, you would be growing into your own version of who your boss would like to see at work.

Well, there has only ever been highly positive feedback from those I have worked with at church (and this was repeated to me in the last week by the same person who wants me to change). It's more in social contacts they would like me to be more outgoing - but I can only handle so many people at a time!

I have taken it on board as something to be aware of ... make sure I am aware of what is going on around me more ... but they have no problems with my work, just that I come across as quiet and reserved and they don't want that. I feel like I'm being asked to be something I'm not, like I'm not good enough to be who I am. Yet some of the people I work with appreciate the reserve and quiet (and I'm not reserved when working with people, my full focus is on them). It's more about my social self i.e. with other staff. I guess I can go to church and bounce around but I'd rather walk around and smile quietly.

 

[ForHisGlory2008]

Maybe it's time to step aside/down from your duties at the church and find another job if you need the money?

I'm not paid.

 

[Elijah2]

Well, there has only ever been highly positive feedback from those I have worked with at church (and this was repeated to me in the last week by the same person who wants me to change). It's more in social contacts they would like me to be more outgoing - but I can only handle so many people at a time!

I have taken it on board as something to be aware of ... make sure I am aware of what is going on around me more ... but they have no problems with my work, just that I come across as quiet and reserved and they don't want that. I feel like I'm being asked to be something I'm not, like I'm not good enough to be who I am. Yet some of the people I work with appreciate the reserve and quiet (and I'm not reserved when working with people, my full focus is on them). It's more about my social self i.e. with other staff. I guess I can go to church and bounce around but I'd rather walk around and smile quietly.

Have you ever thought that you might be blessed with "humility", and if so then it is Satan and his forces working against you through your boss?

Have you ever thought that this is a spiritual attack? And if that is so then you need Spiritual Warfare as well to overcome and conquer this.

Be blessed in Jesus' Name.

 

[bliz]

There are tasks that require one to be more outgoing and aware of what's gong on around them - receptionist, working with new members, being in charge of a program , having multiple responsibilities. Wanting you to speak up and initiate in that kind of role is quite reasonable.

But if they are just not comfortable with your personality or work style, that's a different matter. God did not make us to all be alike or work the same way.

If things are falling through the cracks, it makes sense for them to ask for you to change. If they have some image of what happy church workers should act like, then they have a problem.

 

[drich0150]

Well, there has only ever been highly positive feedback from those I have worked with at church (and this was repeated to me in the last week by the same person who wants me to change). It's more in social contacts they would like me to be more outgoing - but I can only handle so many people at a time!

I have taken it on board as something to be aware of ... make sure I am aware of what is going on around me more ... but they have no problems with my work, just that I come across as quiet and reserved and they don't want that. I feel like I'm being asked to be something I'm not, like I'm not good enough to be who I am. Yet some of the people I work with appreciate the reserve and quiet (and I'm not reserved when working with people, my full focus is on them). It's more about my social self i.e. with other staff. I guess I can go to church and bounce around but I'd rather walk around and smile quietly.

Wanting you to be sociable isn't wrong. A good boss wants unity, and a pleasant work environment for all of his employees. Not being able to provide this doesn't me you wrong either, just know your limits and communicate them, but don't be upset if your boss looks for someone who not only can do the work but can relate well with others. Jobs often times go beyond work assignments.

 

[wayseer]

Well, there has only ever been highly positive feedback from those I have worked with at church (and this was repeated to me in the last week by the same person who wants me to change). It's more in social contacts they would like me to be more outgoing - but I can only handle so many people at a time!

I have taken it on board as something to be aware of ... make sure I am aware of what is going on around me more ... but they have no problems with my work, just that I come across as quiet and reserved and they don't want that. I feel like I'm being asked to be something I'm not, like I'm not good enough to be who I am. Yet some of the people I work with appreciate the reserve and quiet (and I'm not reserved when working with people, my full focus is on them). It's more about my social self i.e. with other staff. I guess I can go to church and bounce around but I'd rather walk around and smile quietly.

First - this does not sound a deliberating problem - more a frustration that you are being asked that you should be something that you obviously are not. Notice the word 'should' - you are being manipulated to conform to someone else's expectations.

I can understand your confusion. I suggest you are an introvert - so am I. More probably you may well be an INFP personality type - as it happens, so am I. May I urge you to take a Myers-Briggs Personality Type test. It's not very hard and a quick web search will locate sites that do it on-line for a small fee. You may well be surprised at the results. It was not until a Pastor got me to do the test that I realised why I would always be 'different'. It is good to know your own strengths - and weaknesses.

 

[ForHisGlory2008]

Nothing is falling through the cracks. They just have a picture of how a church leader should present themselves to the world and what image they should project. Like I've said, everyone I have worked with has been highly positive. They have no problem with my work, I don't have negative relationships with people, I am not an extrovert and while I can pretend to be one, I am still a self-contained person. If they aren't happy with my personality, maybe I should resign - though they would find that to be a loss. I don't know. I just feel lost. Maybe it's just a bad fit.

 

[bsd13]

I'm not paid.

Then you won't need to find another job, just step down.

 

[ForHisGlory2008]

Then you won't need to find another job, just step down.

That would be easy ... sometimes things are worth hanging in there for. Especially when the person complaining is only one person and other people don't have an issue. It just so happens that one person has a lot of power (and this same person has issues with a lot of people!).

 

[Malachi3Three]

I guess the thing is, I have two workplaces. One I fit in with perfectly ... I'm more outgoing because I feel accepted and 'ok'. I feel more valued, more part of the team, they treat me like a professional ... and that affects my level of outgoing-ness too. The workplace I'm having problems with is church. I do good work but aren't as outgoing as the image they want to project. That says to me it's a problem with the system and less with me but it does play with my head and make me think that maybe I'm defective.

I thought I had a good answer for your first post, but then I saw this one. Now that I understand your challenge has to do with a job at church, I think my answer will be different. Many times, as employees we are called to step outside of our own personal comfort to get a job done. I don't know about you, but for me, when I've done this, it's been both a challenge and a work in progress. God does his best work in me when I am willing to change, and follow uncomfortable roads, as long as I am true to my relationship with him. Having said that, I am wondering if your inability to be more outgoing in your position at church, might be affecting their outreach. Perhaps the position they hired you for is seen as one that should involve more outreach, and that is why they encourage you to reach out. This is one that I would pray about. If God means for you to be there in that job, you could maybe ask him to give you the courage to change, and step outside of your comfort zone. If he means for you to leave, don't become disheartened. God gives each of us a job. Some of us are better at singing, some at outreach, some at quiet ministry like the church daycare, or putting together the bulletin. Everyone has a role in God's plan. I just know that He's going to show you what you role is, sister.

 

[ForHisGlory2008]

I thought I had a good answer for your first post, but then I saw this one. Now that I understand your challenge has to do with a job at church, I think my answer will be different. Many times, as employees we are called to step outside of our own personal comfort to get a job done. I don't know about you, but for me, when I've done this, it's been both a challenge and a work in progress. God does his best work in me when I am willing to change, and follow uncomfortable roads, as long as I am true to my relationship with him. Having said that, I am wondering if your inability to be more outgoing in your position at church, might be affecting their outreach. Perhaps the position they hired you for is seen as one that should involve more outreach, and that is why they encourage you to reach out. This is one that I would pray about. If God means for you to be there in that job, you could maybe ask him to give you the courage to change, and step outside of your comfort zone. If he means for you to leave, don't become disheartened. God gives each of us a job. Some of us are better at singing, some at outreach, some at quiet ministry like the church daycare, or putting together the bulletin. Everyone has a role in God's plan. I just know that He's going to show you what you role is, sister.

Well my ministry has been growing steadily to the point I find it hard to deal with all the people that obviously find me approachable enough to come to and approach.

 

[bliz]

Well my ministry has been growing steadily to the point I find it hard to deal with all the people that obviously find me approachable enough to come to and approach.

Your ministry is growing, this is coming from one person, who apparently lacks some people skills... ignore him and carry on. Nod and smile and be respectful, as I'm sure you have been, and keep doing what God has called you to do. Personality is God given.