What Not To Say To Survivors Of Abuse

[the.Sheepdog]

Dear Alilsa, I am so sorry that you were treated that way in the past and in the present. No child deserves it and no child is worthless. My dad did a few things like that to me too but this isnt about me. I forgave him and that freed me. I am free from that now. and it has made me stronger.

A lot of what has happened to you is outright illegal. Any person in any church that touches you without permission should go to jail for assault. That is the law.

Nothing any human does or says will really make the difference for you but God can and does make the difference. He does love you right where you are and he thinks you are beautiful. After all did He not make you? Talk to Him and know that He hears you. Your salvation and place in our family is secure. take caer of yourself and if you need me I am here for you.

You wanna see ugly? look at my profile pics! LOL. doesnt bother me a bit. I may be ugly but I can pull it off!

Im here for you hun. Promise!

 

[R.A.IN]

I confess that I have only read 2-3 pages of this thread. It's an awesome thread. Please forgive me if I repeat something that has already been said.

1- If you trusted God, you wouldn't have PTSD or PD. I don't even have words to describe how angry that makes me.

2- God will take care of you, you don't need that medication. ...... Yet many of those same people carry OTC meds for allergies or headaches or whatever around in their car, purse, etc.

 

[spazlegs]

"Just get over it."

I want to smack them when they say that, duh, I'm working on it! That's why I said something. If I normalize it in my mind by talking about it, then it has less power over me.

 

[Essie01]

Saying "no one's perfect", your parents LOVE you, when discussing the they (parents) have done.

Another: Different parents have different ways of disciplining their children.

 

[Living4him09]

I was tols...

You must have done something to cause it!
( Yeah I was born... How stupid can you get)

I agree

I hate it when someone says:
Why didn't you just tell someone?
You shouldn't let this run your life.

People can be so insensitive.

I agree easier said than done

It is upsetting when someone says, "I understand." They weren't there, they didn't have it happen to them, it wasn't their world that was ripped to shreds.

If the person is a victim herself, then I appreciate the shoulder. Otherwise, I would rather someone say, "Help me to understand." Part of that understanding would include understanding when I push them away -- physically, emotionally.

I apologize if this has been posted elsewhere:


[SIZE=+2]Things Not to Say to a Survivor of a Sexual Crime[/SIZE]

Please don't...
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[SIZE=+1]1. Don't ask if we liked it.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]No one likes being physically overpowered.[/SIZE]


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[SIZE=+1]2. Don't tell us "it's just sex".[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Rape is a crime of power, control, and extreme violence where sex is used[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]as a weapon against someone weaker. It is not sex.[/SIZE]

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[SIZE=+1]3. Don't tell us how we could have avoided it.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Believe me, if we could have prevented it we would have.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]4. Don't make fun of us.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We have faced an attacker who sometimes is willing to kill and have[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]survived. What's there to make fun of?[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]5. Don't tell us it would never happen to you and why.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We didn't think we would become statistics either.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]6. There's no need to avoid us.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We're still the same person you've come to care about or learned to care[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]about. We've just been unspeakably hurt. We're not contagious.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]7. Please don't treat us like we have the plague.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Chances are we don't. Do you?[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]8. God isn't punishing us for some misdeed by allowing this to happen.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]God helps us heal. He doesn't send someone to hurt His people.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]9. Don't tell us it was God's will we were raped.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Do tell us it was God's will that we survived![/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]10. Don't disbelieve us.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]According to survey respondents being disbelieved is a survivor's greatest[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]fear.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]11. Don't tell us that survivors make up tales for attention.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]According to The National Coalition Against Sexual Assault false rape[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]reports only happen 2% of the time. That's a 98% chance that no matter how[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]strange it sounds to you the rape isn't being fabricated.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]12. Don't tell me not to talk about it.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Yes it upsets me to talk about it but that is the only way[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]that I can sort through it.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]13. Don't say, 'it happened on a date, that's common".[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]When you say that it belittles me and my feelings about the assault.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]It's not common because it happened to me and I'm not a statistic.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]14. Don't say "other people have it worse off than you".[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]I'm not "other people". I'm me.[/SIZE]
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I agree with you on that some of the ones you meantion run through our heads without others having to point it out to us.

[SIZE=+1]Some other suggestions for Partners of Survivors that may help:[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]15. Don't feel you need to retaliate against our attacker.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We know the perpetrator is capable of violence. Please don't make us worry[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]about you being hurt. We'll feel more secure knowing you'll remain in one[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]piece.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]16. Don't blame us for what happened.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]It's not our fault.[/SIZE]
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*It's not our fault!*
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*It's not our fault!*
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[SIZE=+1]17. Don't tell us to "get over it".[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We would if we could and we are trying our best. Support us as we struggle[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]to find our way again.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]18. Don't tell us to to put what happened out of our minds.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]It's not that simple.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]19. Don't tell us "it's no big deal".[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Rape is an enormous challenge to heal from. It haunts even our dreams.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]20. Try to understand our need to feel safe.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]If we disagree about safety issues in the future please realize that[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]what may sounds strange to you may help us feel safe.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]21. Don't say something like, "Well, it's been six months (a year, 5 years[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]etc.) and ask if we're "over it" yet.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Chances are that we may not be ready to go back to life as it was. We may[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]never be ready and may have to create a new life for ourselves as we learn[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]to be safe again.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]22. Don't tell us we are weak because it impacts our life.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We are stronger than words can describe.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]23. Don't ask us what you are supposed to do to get past what happened to[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]us.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We aren't sure what we're going to do.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]24. Don't ask us if we did anything on purpose that led to the rape.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We didn't do anything except survive.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]25. Don't ask us if we couldn't have done something differently during the[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]attack.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We made the best choices we could to survive. We got away without being[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]killed didn't we? That's proof our instincts were right. Please help us[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]learn to realize that ourselves.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]26. Don't tell us that it's not rape because we knew the attacker.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Numerous studies tell us that our perpetrators are more likely to be known[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]to us than unknown.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]27. If you give us a hug and we pull away please know that chances are[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]we're not rejecting you, we're just uncomfortable.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We may have a hard time being able to respond right now.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]28. If we do pull away from you please don't get mad. [/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Tell us you care.[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]Chances are you'll get that hug after all![/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]29. If you're together and the survivor has a flashback try not to be mad[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]at the survivor.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We hate the darned things too! Flashbacks are always rough. It's difficult[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]to know what to do. It's got to be difficult to watch. Any anger should go[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]the one who caused the rape and not the survivor who has to put her life back [/SIZE][SIZE=+1]together.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]30. Don't be afraid to talk to us if we're upset.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Knowing you are there may be just what we need.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]31. If we become suicidal please don't take that as a sign of weakness.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Take that as a sign we're overwhelmed, trying to cope, and need help.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]32. Don't pretend rape doesn't happen to people you know.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]It does. Thank you for reading this to learn about it.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]33. Don't get the idea rape just happens to "those" kinds of people.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]This crime happens to as many as 1 woman in 4. It crosses ethinc, racial,[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]economic and social boundaries.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]34. Don't be afraid of a person who was raped.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]I promise as a survivor, the rape will effect you but won't rub off on[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]you. The person you love is still the same person as before.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]35. Don't deny your feelings after finding out a friend was raped.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Call a rape crisis center's hotline and find out what support is available[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]for you.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]36. Do not tell us we should take it as a compliment.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]Rape isnt about lust or attractiveness, its an act of power[/SIZE][SIZE=+1] and force.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]37. Do not tell us "Oh yeah, I know a bunch of girls who've[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]been raped".[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We realize we arent the only ones but by saying that[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]it belittles how it hurts by making it just another[/SIZE] [SIZE=+1]number.[/SIZE] And makes us feel worse knowing others have to go through that.
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[SIZE=+1]38. Do not tell a survior "Its no big deal."[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]We know otherwise.[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]39. Please don't tell us "Oh well, you'll have other dates that will go better."[/SIZE]
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[SIZE=+1]What happened wasn't a bad date, it was a crime.[/SIZE]
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Good post

 

[Living4him09]

What not to say to survivors of sexual assualt:

1) It's your fault

* Some of us are already thinking that without the help of others, we know technically it's not our faults even though it feels like it is

2) It could have been worse

*Yes it could have been worse, but being raped isn't something to take lightly

3) Don't tell us we should have done something to advoid it?

*Don't think that if I could have advoided it I would have, I didn't go out looking for it.

4) Don't say you should have fought back harder?

*I did fight back well I tried to for as long as I could


5) You should have said no more, should have said it louder

*they know what they was doing was wrong, after so no, stop it, leave me alone, and coming up with excuses for them to stop even telling them this is wrong and basically begging for them to stop you tend realize there is no hope in the situation. Do you think saying it louder would have changed his mind

6) You should have said no

*I did but in that you have to realize when someone is stealing something from you, you tend to try and block it out like it's not happening

7) Alot of people go through that
True I feel worse knowing that others had to go through what I went throught and no one should go through that


I will finish the list later.

 

[scherzo]

We must enjoy our pain so much that we cannot let it go. We want the pain because it identifies who we are. It is our refusal to let go, so it is our fault

The above is common for me to hear. As someone who was abused as a child, I describe the experience as 'not knowing a childhood without out it' the acts may have been 30 years ago, but it is a lifelong experience

 

[brinny]

"Aww i'm sorry to hear that. Have a nice day. God bless you."

 

[scherzo]

on reflection, "What not to say to..."

Anything, Anything SAID will likely offend, because they are simply words

 

[makeupgirl]

my favorite is "Just Pray about it"

I'm like what do you think I've been doing all this time, negotiating with Satan. Some people can be so insensitive and just not smart when it comes to comforting someone. It's like ok, I'm a born again Christian of course the first thing I did and still doing is praying about what happen.

 

[brinny]

"Are you still thinking about that?"

 

[Lily76_]

" its in the past you should be over it "

 

[Chaplain David]

As far as I am concerned anything that is said that doesn't support you shouldn't be said at all. God bless you.

 

[over the rainbow]

x

 

[never4now]

"You just hold onto things too much, just get over it." (my sister who was treated completely differently than I growing up.)

In a serious relationship with a guy (who wanted to marry me), after telling him I had been raped at the age of 16...

"The first thing you have to realize is it was all your fault. That's something you are responsible for."

Yeah I know, thanks, like I don't already blame myself for it.

"I always thought I would marry a girl who was a virgin. So I need some time to think about it now."

Later I tell him how I was physically abused and how I had a knife pulled on me by my father at the age of 13 or 14. I had never told this to ANYONE before.

"Well I'm sure you probably deserved it."

Thank GOD I didnt end up with him!!!!! Very triggering for me to SI during that relationship.

These are all comments made by people who were never abused and they are only some of the more painful ones.

 

[Tenebrae]

As far as I am concerned anything that is said that doesn't support you shouldn't be said at all. God bless you.

Truly awesome. Thankyou David

 

[brinny]

"You just hold onto things too much, just get over it." (my sister who was treated completely differently than I growing up.)

In a serious relationship with a guy (who wanted to marry me), after telling him I had been raped at the age of 16...

"The first thing you have to realize is it was all your fault. That's something you are responsible for."

Yeah I know, thanks, like I don't already blame myself for it.

"I always thought I would marry a girl who was a virgin. So I need some time to think about it now."

Later I tell him how I was physically abused and how I had a knife pulled on me by my father at the age of 13 or 14. I had never told this to ANYONE before.

"Well I'm sure you probably deserved it."

Thank GOD I didnt end up with him!!!!! Very triggering for me to SI during that relationship.

These are all comments made by people who were never abused and they are only some of the more painful ones.

((((((((((hug)))))))))))

 

[jammiowen]

From my past, I always hated these
"Well, you enjoyed it"
"You asked for this by..."
"It just means he loves you"
"You should be luck to get the attention"

Although I could go on, I wont.
God Bless

 

[brinny]

any runnin' on of the mouth without knowin' what yer talkin' about...

 

[dark_horse79]

any runnin' on of the mouth without knowin' what yer talkin' about...

i like the quote in your signature!