We were separated and he got another woman pregnant

[raleigh36girl]

Would I be crazy for considering going back to him, staying in the marriage and helping my husband raise this baby?

I initiated the separation because of some issues that he would not address, mostly dealing with his family, which was strongly interfering with us. Four months into our separation, he got another woman pregnant by accident. But, 6 months into the separation (before I knew about the baby), I came to him asking if we could talk about working on things, said that I was sorry for leaving and that I didn't want to be divorced. Granted, he wanted to work on things in the beginning.

He has been trying to make it work with the baby's mother. However, she is very volatile and has a questionable past. He has expressed many times that they can't get along, and now it's reached a point that they will more than likely split up before the baby comes.

If he'll have me, should I even consider going back and working on our marriage, and being a stable parent to this baby? I feel very strongly called to do this, and that it may be a very important thing for me to do. I still love my husband and we are both believers who were tempted and made poor choices.

 

[dayhiker]

sounds like a very loving thing to do to me. Babies need a stable trauma free zone to be healthy and if you two can give the baby that I think that is great.

 

[bethrow]

Pray and earnestly seek God's direction. What do you think he wants you to do?
If you do feel it's what you need to do then I would strongly recommend counselling with a Christian counselor.
Be prepared for a roller coaster of a ride if she is volatile and child support payments until the child is 18.
Also I would make sure the both of you get child visitation and support that will be owed based on your income in writing by the courts. This other woman could be a problem.

 

[Messy]

What makes you think he'll get the baby?

 

[raleigh36girl]

Well, he has decided that he doesn't want to be married to me, even if they split. He will be filing for our divorce at the end of the month. Nothing else I can do. I can't make him stay or knock some sense into him.

 

[Hetta]

How do you get someone pregnant "by accident"? I understand you're saying he wasn't trying to get her pregnant, but nonetheless he was deliberately having sex with her. Given that you were only separated, not divorced, he committed adultery so I would say that you're probably better off with this clean break, and just focus on being a good mom to your child. Do you have members of your family close by? You can bring a male figure into her/his life by making sure s/he has lots of interactions with grandfather/uncle/male cousin.

 

[raleigh36girl]

Thank you for your perspective. This is what I was thinking, but just didn't want to see it. Unfortunately, I do not have any children of my own. And, at 37, I'm not sure I ever will. I suppose if it's in the plan for me, God will send me someone who either already has children or wants children.

 

[Hetta]

Ah, sorry, I thought you had a child.

Hold onto hope, sweetheart. God has a plan for you.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Well, he has decided that he doesn't want to be married to me, even if they split. He will be filing for our divorce at the end of the month. Nothing else I can do. I can't make him stay or knock some sense into him.

No, you can't knock some sense into him. That you would even try is why you fail.

You rejected him in a big way and she's nuts. He will respond to someone who offers him a hug and comfort. He will flee from drama and hostility.

You can love him and that will win every battle you would ever encounter. That would require unconditional love and acceptance af him, forgiveness.

 

[moerunamida]

How do you get someone pregnant "by accident"? I understand you're saying he wasn't trying to get her pregnant, but nonetheless he was deliberately having sex with her. Given that you were only separated, not divorced, he committed adultery so I would say that you're probably better off with this clean break, and just focus on being a good mom to your child. Do you have members of your family close by? You can bring a male figure into her/his life by making sure s/he has lots of interactions with grandfather/uncle/male cousin.

This. There is no 'accidental' pregnancy. I'd hate to see you take in and helping to raise this child only to resent him/her down the road for their unconventional plan. It's not fair to the unborn baby and not fair to you. Being separated from a spouse is not a time for free for all, but a time on reflecting the woman/man you married. Your husband (hopefully soon to be ex) violated your marriage. Get out as soon as you can so you can start to heal from this toxic man.

 

[Autumnleaf]

This. There is no 'accidental' pregnancy. I'd hate to see you take in and helping to raise this child only to resent him/her down the road for their unconventional plan. It's not fair to the unborn baby and not fair to you. Being separated from a spouse is not a time for free for all, but a time on reflecting the woman/man you married. Your husband (hopefully soon to be ex) violated your marriage. Get out as soon as you can so you can start to heal from this toxic man.

If she pushed him away by demanding a separation, didn't she push him into the arms of another woman?

 

[moerunamida]

If she pushed him away by demanding a separation, didn't she push him into the arms of another woman?

Until they are legally separated, he committed adultery. If he wanted to be in the arms of another women so badly, he wouldn't have agreed to a separation in the first place and just gone straight for divorce. No excuse for that.

 

[Messy]

If she pushed him away by demanding a separation, didn't she push him into the arms of another woman?

Yes.

But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, causes her to commit adultery

 

[Hetta]

Separation does not "push" anyone into anyone's arms. A separation is a breathing space. If someone takes that as a free for all to go and have sex with the first person who comes their way, then it speaks to their character, or lack of same.

 

[Messy]

Separation does not "push" anyone into anyone's arms. A separation is a breathing space. If someone takes that as a free for all to go and have sex with the first person who comes their way, then it speaks to their character, or lack of same.

Separate as a breathing space is the most stupid thing you can do. I saw some marriages collapse this way. Of course satan is going to tempt the one that's sent away. Yet they even recommend it in some churches. Paul didn't.

 

[Hetta]

Oh, so satan forced the OP's husband to have an affair.

There's something else in the Bible:

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Temptation is around us constantly in all kinds of forms. It's foolish to give someone an 'out' to cheat. It infers that some people simply cannot control themselves, and if they do wrong, it's because the devil made them do it.

 

[moerunamida]

It's foolish to give someone an 'out' to cheat.

I agree. Unless their marriage was an open marriage, then being separated does not instantly grant access to the plethora of women in the world.

 

[Messy]

Oh, so satan forced the OP's husband to have an affair.

There's something else in the Bible:

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

Temptation is around us constantly in all kinds of forms. It's foolish to give someone an 'out' to cheat. It infers that some people simply cannot control themselves, and if they do wrong, it's because the devil made them do it.

No of course he sinned himself but you shouldn't send someone away either.
1 Corinthians 7
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

10 Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband.

 

[Hetta]

And yet people go through long periods of separation without cheating on their spouses. My husband was in the military and was frequently away. Neither of us cheated. Why is that I wonder?

And no, it's not different. It's still a physical distance when both are "deprived" of sex.

Honestly, I don't see how people are any different than animals if they can't wait to have sex a week or a month or even a year without their loved one. Military personnel do it all the time.

 

[Messy]

And yet people go through long periods of separation without cheating on their spouses. My husband was in the military and was frequently away. Neither of us cheated. Why is that I wonder?

And no, it's not different. It's still a physical distance when both are "deprived" of sex.

Honestly, I don't see how people are any different than animals if they can't wait to have sex a week or a month or even a year without their loved one. Military personnel do it all the time.

You loved each other, that's a big difference and some men can't, it's like it is.