Does anyone remember my original post from 2004 I will provide the link...
www.christianforums.com
But I want to share what has happened since 2004. It was not easy, when I went thru it, but I love my relationship with Jesus now, He is so faithful, even when we are not.
So let me share what happened:
Now many years later, what happened to me?
Great failure, habitual sin, followed by abundant mercy, grace, and a life of LIVING Hebrews Ch 4 (Rest)
Maybe your sin is different, but at the root it is the same. At one time I was in your place, a captive to sin, daily sin for 30+ years, multiple times a day. Lust, masturbation, etc.
I felt so bad, so guilty, how could I do this to God. Nothing brought relief. I confessed to friends, family, pastors. I wrote letters to Christian leaders, including Pat Robertson, I even fasted for 30 days. Nothing brought me freedom. Every day I failed.
Then one day I had an idea. I knew this Christian lady from Russia. I had seen her pray and get instant answers (this is a gift given only to some). So, I go to her and ask her if she will fast and pray with me for one week, that I might be closer to God, to receive some kind of brokenness.
Then about 2, maybe 3 weeks later, without me connecting the dots, not even remembering the fasting and prayers, my life literally feel apart. Car accidents, losing a 20-year job, lose friends, relationships with kids and family fall apart too. But my job... That was the killer, without it, I can't support my family, I would fail them. I couldn't bear it.
I was so crushed. I decided I had had enough; I would end this now. I'm done.
I grab my shotgun, load it with double ought and walk into the woods. I buried the stock in the dirt, asked God to please forgive me for what I'm about to do went straight on, and put the barrel ion my mouth, and pushed the trigger with my left thumb.
A few minutes later, I waken, and sight comes thru my eyes again. I'm lying flat on the ground, and I think, "I'm not in heaven, and I'm not in ****, oh no, I'm in the same place".
I notice blood all over, the gun laying perfectly parallel to me, on my right side? As if someone had been holding it, or guiding it, and laid it there, by me. I'm cold... I grab the shotgun, wrap it in the blanket, and walk back to my car, placing it in the trunk.
Every step, soaking the ground with blood. My pants are bloody, my boots full of blood, my car gets soaked, it's everywhere. I get to my house, no one is home. I leave a trail of blood with each step. I go upstairs to my bed room, I'm so tired. I lay down, but then get up. I walk into the bathroom, and see my face for the first time, and notice my injury. Half my face is gone, on the right side.
I hear someone enter the front door. I close and lock the bathroom door. I hear hurried steps, and someone shouts my name (Dad)... My son knocks on the door. "Dad are you alright, what's all this blood". Yes, I'm ok, just call your mom, she will know what to do. "Dad open the door, or I'll kick it down".
My son sees my face and runs to the phone, the ambulance and police come, and a helicopter flies me to Harborview. I'm there for 1-2 months, 3 or more surgeries. Lots of blood lost, as I had severed the carotid artery.
After the long hospital stay, I return home...
How is this possible, why am I alive? What does God think of me now? First, I live a life of backsliding and sin, then try to kill myself! Is He, now mad at me, hate me, what does He think now?
Every day my family has to clean my wound, a hole 3-4 inches into my head, opens up, and needs daily care, until it gets fixed and heals completely. Then one day...
I'm all alone. They all go shopping, and also need a break, from the intensity of the situation. As I'm sitting at the table, I look outside, and see the rain drops falling to the ground.
THEN... I hear His voice.
He says "Rod, why do you believe what you believe and who taught you". I say "Lord I don't know, maybe I just picked up things on the way, as time went by".
Rod you are like a piece of fruit in a bowl, with many other pieces of fruit (Christians), but you are the worse piece of fruit in the bowl. And that is why I will use you for my glory.
Some people, I put in the palm of my hand, I look at them, then I look away, but with you, I never take my eyes off of you.
He says "Do you think TRUTH, goes from THE MIND of one man, and into the mind of another"? I said "No Lord. I believe TRUTH is REVEALED".
He says "Do you remember the story of David, on his rooftop" "Yes, Lord I remember". "Do you remember what David wanted to do, and what I told him". "Yes Lord, he wanted to build you a house". "And I said NO". "But another would build my house". "He would have a son"
"NOW WATCH ME FULFILL THIS SPOKEN WORD/PROMISE".
One day David is on his rooftop, and he sees a woman, and says..."Get her for me"...
***No one but God could arrange these circumstances in order to fulfill this promise, her there at the right time, David seeing her, and liking her.
Then He says to me, "Do you have a problem with me using sin, to fulfill my will". I say "No Lord, for you created the law, you could make it vanish also, it is not possible for you to break it, for you are above it".
Rod "I don't want you to ever put your sin above my love and grace for you. Don't ever do it again"! "IT IS NOT YOUR JOB, TO CHANGE YOURSELF, that is MY JOB;
I am the farmer, you are the vine, I am the shepherd, you are the sheep. WHEN I want to change something in your life, I will bring it to your attention, and you JUST AGREE WITH ME"... "You just rest."
The first thing to happen for me was, freedom from the sin that bothered me.
One day I’m driving my car to work, I see, and I lust, the same as the last 30 years. All of a sudden I hear myself scream at God, “When are you going to help me with this”…Suddenly I hear, “When are you going to tell me the truth”. I say “What truth”… Then I suddenly know what He wants, as if someone pours the understanding into me…He wants me to agree with Him.
So I say “Lord I love my sin, I don’t want you to interfere in anyway, leave me alone with my sin, for I love it.
Almost immediately I find myself free. This was years ago now. Now I no longer live under the bondage of sin…
Then came the issue of trust, like the sin issue, it also happened while I was alone.
Oh, I could say the words “I trust you Lord”. But not with emotion, not from the heart. You know what I mean, about an emotional connection, so they just weren’t empty words right? It’s like a man saying to a woman “yea sure I love you” she knows he doesn’t mean it.
BUT if he says “I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART” and If I live, and I live without you, then I will surly die. My day begins with you, and it ends with you. Life is nothing without you. That is a statement with emotion behind it, and it’s real.
Anyway so How did God fix this issue of knowing what love was, and trusting Him?
It happened like this, I was driving, and was once again all alone. I was listening to (Led Zeppelin) it was blaring loud.
All of a sudden, I heard Him speak. He said “You still aren’t trusting me”. I said “I know Lord, I just can’t find it, and I don’t have the strength or will” ALL of a sudden, it’s as if something was poured into me and I understood. *Remember I hated this empty spiritual wilderness I was in, I just HATED IT with a passion.
To my surprise I hear myself say “Lord this place, this wilderness, it is the perfect place for me, and it was the best choice that you made for me” (yes, I sinned, and it was my fault… But I needed to learn to trust him, by going thru this).
I finished by saying “Lord I just trust you, with all my heart”
So that is what God did for me, he removed these mountains out of my life, when I could not. These kind of incidents continued to happen, He warned me several times to be totally, and bluntly honest, to sugar coat nothing, when he brought something to my attention, “Don’t play the pharisee”
**** I hope this helps/blesses you. Just rest. Sin is dead to us, even if we commit sin, it is DEAD, and it has been paid for. IT has no power over us, it has no meaning for us. Christ took it to the cross and killed it in the flesh, you NOW live in spirit, like changing cars. You went from a car, and now sit in a plane. The car (flesh and sin, which is in the flesh, can't fly, only a plane can fly).
You have been crucified in Christ, that is who you are now. But you still live in a BODY that is tied to sin. You cannot LET it have influence over you. No one condones or wants to sin, but when and if you sin, COUNT IT AS DEAD, as if it didn't happen. JUST walk on... It says Boo, and you just ignore it, it is dead
My encounter with God, this may be painful for some to read, forgive me. Part 1
MY STORY I came from a violent home, (drugs, alcohol, gun shots, being chased with knives, people thrown thru picture pane windows), in fact I was born three months early because my father kicked my mother in the stomach, and I weighed two pounds nine ounces. As early as 7yrs old I...
www.christianforums.com
But I want to share what has happened since 2004. It was not easy, when I went thru it, but I love my relationship with Jesus now, He is so faithful, even when we are not.
So let me share what happened:
Now many years later, what happened to me?
Great failure, habitual sin, followed by abundant mercy, grace, and a life of LIVING Hebrews Ch 4 (Rest)
Maybe your sin is different, but at the root it is the same. At one time I was in your place, a captive to sin, daily sin for 30+ years, multiple times a day. Lust, masturbation, etc.
I felt so bad, so guilty, how could I do this to God. Nothing brought relief. I confessed to friends, family, pastors. I wrote letters to Christian leaders, including Pat Robertson, I even fasted for 30 days. Nothing brought me freedom. Every day I failed.
Then one day I had an idea. I knew this Christian lady from Russia. I had seen her pray and get instant answers (this is a gift given only to some). So, I go to her and ask her if she will fast and pray with me for one week, that I might be closer to God, to receive some kind of brokenness.
Then about 2, maybe 3 weeks later, without me connecting the dots, not even remembering the fasting and prayers, my life literally feel apart. Car accidents, losing a 20-year job, lose friends, relationships with kids and family fall apart too. But my job... That was the killer, without it, I can't support my family, I would fail them. I couldn't bear it.
I was so crushed. I decided I had had enough; I would end this now. I'm done.
I grab my shotgun, load it with double ought and walk into the woods. I buried the stock in the dirt, asked God to please forgive me for what I'm about to do went straight on, and put the barrel ion my mouth, and pushed the trigger with my left thumb.
A few minutes later, I waken, and sight comes thru my eyes again. I'm lying flat on the ground, and I think, "I'm not in heaven, and I'm not in ****, oh no, I'm in the same place".
I notice blood all over, the gun laying perfectly parallel to me, on my right side? As if someone had been holding it, or guiding it, and laid it there, by me. I'm cold... I grab the shotgun, wrap it in the blanket, and walk back to my car, placing it in the trunk.
Every step, soaking the ground with blood. My pants are bloody, my boots full of blood, my car gets soaked, it's everywhere. I get to my house, no one is home. I leave a trail of blood with each step. I go upstairs to my bed room, I'm so tired. I lay down, but then get up. I walk into the bathroom, and see my face for the first time, and notice my injury. Half my face is gone, on the right side.
I hear someone enter the front door. I close and lock the bathroom door. I hear hurried steps, and someone shouts my name (Dad)... My son knocks on the door. "Dad are you alright, what's all this blood". Yes, I'm ok, just call your mom, she will know what to do. "Dad open the door, or I'll kick it down".
My son sees my face and runs to the phone, the ambulance and police come, and a helicopter flies me to Harborview. I'm there for 1-2 months, 3 or more surgeries. Lots of blood lost, as I had severed the carotid artery.
After the long hospital stay, I return home...
How is this possible, why am I alive? What does God think of me now? First, I live a life of backsliding and sin, then try to kill myself! Is He, now mad at me, hate me, what does He think now?
Every day my family has to clean my wound, a hole 3-4 inches into my head, opens up, and needs daily care, until it gets fixed and heals completely. Then one day...
I'm all alone. They all go shopping, and also need a break, from the intensity of the situation. As I'm sitting at the table, I look outside, and see the rain drops falling to the ground.
THEN... I hear His voice.
He says "Rod, why do you believe what you believe and who taught you". I say "Lord I don't know, maybe I just picked up things on the way, as time went by".
Rod you are like a piece of fruit in a bowl, with many other pieces of fruit (Christians), but you are the worse piece of fruit in the bowl. And that is why I will use you for my glory.
Some people, I put in the palm of my hand, I look at them, then I look away, but with you, I never take my eyes off of you.
He says "Do you think TRUTH, goes from THE MIND of one man, and into the mind of another"? I said "No Lord. I believe TRUTH is REVEALED".
He says "Do you remember the story of David, on his rooftop" "Yes, Lord I remember". "Do you remember what David wanted to do, and what I told him". "Yes Lord, he wanted to build you a house". "And I said NO". "But another would build my house". "He would have a son"
"NOW WATCH ME FULFILL THIS SPOKEN WORD/PROMISE".
One day David is on his rooftop, and he sees a woman, and says..."Get her for me"...
***No one but God could arrange these circumstances in order to fulfill this promise, her there at the right time, David seeing her, and liking her.
Then He says to me, "Do you have a problem with me using sin, to fulfill my will". I say "No Lord, for you created the law, you could make it vanish also, it is not possible for you to break it, for you are above it".
Rod "I don't want you to ever put your sin above my love and grace for you. Don't ever do it again"! "IT IS NOT YOUR JOB, TO CHANGE YOURSELF, that is MY JOB;
I am the farmer, you are the vine, I am the shepherd, you are the sheep. WHEN I want to change something in your life, I will bring it to your attention, and you JUST AGREE WITH ME"... "You just rest."
The first thing to happen for me was, freedom from the sin that bothered me.
One day I’m driving my car to work, I see, and I lust, the same as the last 30 years. All of a sudden I hear myself scream at God, “When are you going to help me with this”…Suddenly I hear, “When are you going to tell me the truth”. I say “What truth”… Then I suddenly know what He wants, as if someone pours the understanding into me…He wants me to agree with Him.
So I say “Lord I love my sin, I don’t want you to interfere in anyway, leave me alone with my sin, for I love it.
Almost immediately I find myself free. This was years ago now. Now I no longer live under the bondage of sin…
Then came the issue of trust, like the sin issue, it also happened while I was alone.
Oh, I could say the words “I trust you Lord”. But not with emotion, not from the heart. You know what I mean, about an emotional connection, so they just weren’t empty words right? It’s like a man saying to a woman “yea sure I love you” she knows he doesn’t mean it.
BUT if he says “I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART” and If I live, and I live without you, then I will surly die. My day begins with you, and it ends with you. Life is nothing without you. That is a statement with emotion behind it, and it’s real.
Anyway so How did God fix this issue of knowing what love was, and trusting Him?
It happened like this, I was driving, and was once again all alone. I was listening to (Led Zeppelin) it was blaring loud.
All of a sudden, I heard Him speak. He said “You still aren’t trusting me”. I said “I know Lord, I just can’t find it, and I don’t have the strength or will” ALL of a sudden, it’s as if something was poured into me and I understood. *Remember I hated this empty spiritual wilderness I was in, I just HATED IT with a passion.
To my surprise I hear myself say “Lord this place, this wilderness, it is the perfect place for me, and it was the best choice that you made for me” (yes, I sinned, and it was my fault… But I needed to learn to trust him, by going thru this).
I finished by saying “Lord I just trust you, with all my heart”
So that is what God did for me, he removed these mountains out of my life, when I could not. These kind of incidents continued to happen, He warned me several times to be totally, and bluntly honest, to sugar coat nothing, when he brought something to my attention, “Don’t play the pharisee”
**** I hope this helps/blesses you. Just rest. Sin is dead to us, even if we commit sin, it is DEAD, and it has been paid for. IT has no power over us, it has no meaning for us. Christ took it to the cross and killed it in the flesh, you NOW live in spirit, like changing cars. You went from a car, and now sit in a plane. The car (flesh and sin, which is in the flesh, can't fly, only a plane can fly).
You have been crucified in Christ, that is who you are now. But you still live in a BODY that is tied to sin. You cannot LET it have influence over you. No one condones or wants to sin, but when and if you sin, COUNT IT AS DEAD, as if it didn't happen. JUST walk on... It says Boo, and you just ignore it, it is dead
