Trouble with Anger

[Hakan101]

For several months now I have been trying to read the Bible often and pray to God. I have seen how he has blessed me and helped me overcome troubles in my life such as grades, motivation, and self-esteem. It's made me very happy to know that I am making a conscious effort to please the Lord, but recently I have come to realize that I am not doing enough.

I have strong problems with my stepfather. He has lived with us for about nine years, and while initially I liked him, once he became my parent I began to resent him. Being from England and rather old, he is very strict on manners and politeness, something I lacked as a child. I was ten at that time, and having lived my whole life with my mother as the dominant figure I did not want to listen to this new person with such petty demands.

So over the years our relationship has degraded and disappeared. These days I will obey what he says to avoid conflict (what he asks for is completely reasonable, but because of hostility I still have the urge to disobey), though I never talk to him unless I am thanking him for dinner. His work schedule fluctuates, so sometimes when I come home from school he will not get home until very late. At these times I feel relaxed and enjoy the evening spending time with my Mom or brother, but whenever I enter the house and see that he is home, I instantly get filled with anger and quickly leave the house until dinnertime. Whenever he is home I do not get to watch TV, he yells at me for playing with our dogs, and I never feel comfortable talking to my Mom when he's around. Mostly I just stay inside my bedroom when he is at home.

I know that in many other areas of my life I have begun to change and do as God tells me to. But now I remember what the Bible says, that I should not deceive myself and think I am saved, when in truth I have darkness in me. My stepfather is truly not a bad person at all, he is a good husband to my mother and he helps provide for me and my brother's well-being. However, it remains
there is great hostility between us and him, and it is so deeply ingrained that I feel overwhelmed about trying to fix it. But I know that God wants me to do this, and Jesus says to forgive, so I am trying more and more to make sure I obey him every time. I ask for your help and advice on how I can change our relationship for the better.

 

[jkryle]

For several months now I have been trying to read the Bible often and pray to God. I have seen how he has blessed me and helped me overcome troubles in my life such as grades, motivation, and self-esteem. It's made me very happy to know that I am making a conscious effort to please the Lord, but recently I have come to realize that I am not doing enough.

I have strong problems with my stepfather. He has lived with us for about nine years, and while initially I liked him, once he became my parent I began to resent him. Being from England and rather old, he is very strict on manners and politeness, something I lacked as a child. I was ten at that time, and having lived my whole life with my mother as the dominant figure I did not want to listen to this new person with such petty demands.

So over the years our relationship has degraded and disappeared. These days I will obey what he says to avoid conflict (what he asks for is completely reasonable, but because of hostility I still have the urge to disobey), though I never talk to him unless I am thanking him for dinner. His work schedule fluctuates, so sometimes when I come home from school he will not get home until very late. At these times I feel relaxed and enjoy the evening spending time with my Mom or brother, but whenever I enter the house and see that he is home, I instantly get filled with anger and quickly leave the house until dinnertime. Whenever he is home I do not get to watch TV, he yells at me for playing with our dogs, and I never feel comfortable talking to my Mom when he's around. Mostly I just stay inside my bedroom when he is at home.

I know that in many other areas of my life I have begun to change and do as God tells me to. But now I remember what the Bible says, that I should not deceive myself and think I am saved, when in truth I have darkness in me. My stepfather is truly not a bad person at all, he is a good husband to my mother and he helps provide for me and my brother's well-being. However, it remains
there is great hostility between us and him, and it is so deeply ingrained that I feel overwhelmed about trying to fix it. But I know that God wants me to do this, and Jesus says to forgive, so I am trying more and more to make sure I obey him every time. I ask for your help and advice on how I can change our relationship for the better.

What happened between "while initially I liked him, once he became my parent I began to resent him"?

 

[Hakan101]

Well, as he became my parent he started to express his authority, like he would tell me I couldn't have seconds on food because I had enough, or make me clean my room, and not let me play video games. My mother never bothered me with these things, and since I viewed her as the matriarch and head of the household, I didn't like obeying him on something she never brought up first. So that's when I started to not like him, and that was only a couple years after I first met him, so it's been that way for a long while now. It feels almost second-nature to show hostility towards him, I try to obey him whenever he asks these days, but it feels so hard to actually show friendliness towards him.

 

[Peripatetic]

It might be very hard, but open communication is crucial for family relationships (even if he doesn't feel like family). Have you talked to your mom about your feelings? Maybe start there... and if at all possible, try to open some kind of dialog with your stepfather. I had a falling out with my own father and we weren't in any contact for several years. The hardest part was the first phone call. Now, there's still some distance, but we've mended the deepest issues and both of us are very happy and relieved. I realize how difficult that may be for you and that a stepfather might be different, but it might be worth a chance.

By the way, thanks for the kind comment about my podcast (assuming you are the same Hakan)! Sometimes you wonder if people are really out there listening, so your comment was much appreciated.

 

[Hakan101]

Thank you for the advice Mr. Vertigo. I have expressed this anger to my mother some times before, she is well aware of this hostility but I feel that she tries to avoid it as she already has a stressful job. I admit the idea of trying to talk to him feels very difficult to me, I find it hard to talk even to my own father even though I am on good terms with him (but that is because I do not live with him). My stepfather is rather old and I do not know what interests him. I will pray to God that I can find a right moment to do this, I agree that it can only begin if I start it.

You are welcome for the comment, yes it was I the same Hakan. You have a very unique approach in your podcast, I enjoy it and I pray that more people will listen.

 

[ChildOfGod97]

All about judgment, how you think in your heart.

Get to a place where you are considering everyone and what they do with mercy.

If one sins, they do so out of ignorance. We misjudge when we delude ourselves thinking they do so knowing exactly what we know. And we can call that which is not sin, sin... very often.

So, watch your heart and when you are at rest, listen. Listen to condemnations of others you make in your heart and cut it out. Then, when tests come, you will not be so easily taken by surprise.


That is a lot of work and time, and requires belief.


If you take hold of what I am saying now, it will save you a great deal of heart ache and time.

 

[berachah]

One thing I have realized as a parent there is the easy way and the hard. If you truly love a child you will do the hard way - and that is to do your best to instill discipline and obedience, no matter what the cost. ( I have absolutely no doubt you will one day appreciate the effort your step-father has been making in your life.) The alternative is to not bother to put any effort in a child, especially someone else's. He must be quite a guy to make the effort.

May I suggest the following. Spend 10 minutes praying for your step father each day. (Real blessing prayers) Within a month you will have a totally different perspective on everything about him.