Tips on effective communication, please?

[LovebirdsFlying]

This happens so often, and I don't know what to do about it. Any insight? General scenario: Charlie knows that some annoyance, let's call it ABC, bothers Debbie. The reason why it does has been discussed and explained many times.

Charlie, cautiously: Don't take this the wrong way, but DEF.
Debbie, trying to explain again: DEF doesn't bother me. ABC does.
Charlie, getting defensive: But I didn't say ABC!
Debbie: I know you didn't. There's nothing wrong with what you said.
Charlie: Then why are you getting upset at me?

Obviously Charlie STILL doesn't understand. What can Debbie do?

Note, I didn't post this in Married because the Charlie in this situation can be anybody, and it isn't always my husband. I am usually the Debbie, and I'm just at a loss.

If you want something more specific, the most recent incarnation of this conversation did involve him. I've spoken to him about using judgmental terms like "psycho" when talking about someone with mental illness. I've explained to him the difference between neurosis, which has been a problem with me, versus psychosis, which is a challenge I've never dealt with. A woman having a strong emotional reaction that some may think is disproportionate to the situation is not "going psycho." A woman who hears a voice in her head warning her that her husband's body has been taken over by an alien species, and it isn't really him, is. So, tonight's rerun of The Twilight Zone featured a man who believes the slot machine in a casino is calling his name and taunting him. The conversation played out almost exactly as above, after my husband said, "Don't be offended when I say this, but it seems like he needs to be in a mental institution." Now, why on earth would I be offended at that? So I tried to explain why what he said was perfectly OK, and it's not at all the same thing as comments that I've taken offense to in the past... and that's how it went. Is there a way to prevent this?

 

[Cernunnos]

As a rule, any statement that begins with "don't take offense but. .. " is a bad plan. You could ask him to evaluate his statement for needfulness of expression, before making "don't take offense but. . ." statements.

It sounds to me like there have been conflicts in the past over ABC and maybe unhealed hurts from those conflicts are affecting how he's approaching the relationship. This could be true too, if you are a known crusader for a particular cause . . . could be any cause (either side of gun control, bathroom laws, abortion, the "N" word or any other pejorative, etc) anything people feel strongly about and tend to be vocal on. People may "soft shoe" around that topic in effort not to "set you off" if you have gone off or are known to tend to go off on an issue.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

That's what I got to thinking too, after posting that. I am a bit of a crusader, and my husband is one who often says he "won't bow to political correctness." In my opinion, it's not about being PC. It's about showing respect for a person. Just because I don't like it when he dismisses a strong display of emotion as being "psycho," that doesn't mean he should never mention mental health at all, ever, in any context, but that's how he's taking it. I understand his frustration with how the rules keep changing. I know, a word that was acceptable five or ten years ago can be offensive now, and sometimes it confuses me too. I guess being afraid to say the wrong thing is leading him (and others) to apologize even for non-offensive things. I'm trying to explain that they're NOT being offensive, and there is nothing to apologize for, and they respond as if I'm off on another rant. Which in turn frustrates me.

 

[Goodbook]

Maybe just let go of ABC.
You could have just ended the conversation at the first line and said. 'that doesn't bother me' instead of adding that ABC does.

If ABC continues to bother you, don't talk about it with your husband, talk about it with God, ask Him for His peace, and tell ABC to get lost.

 

[Mudinyeri]

Perhaps "Charlie" utilizes the phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way ...," because "Debbie" frequently takes things the wrong way ... or takes offense at things not intended to be offensive.

Edit: After reading your second post in this thread, I'm even more inclined to believe that my assessment, above, is accurate.

 

[insurchoftruth]

When you feel that you start to become angry or irritated about something, take a pause, and stop for a few seconds or minutes, and do not talk. Wait until the impulse of anger rising inside, is decreasing, then start talking again, about the upsetting situation.
The reason for that, is because when we feel angry or upset, in a stressful situation, our emotions take over and start controlling our thinking and logic, and make us less logical and analytical. In Psychology, that is called 'emotional hijack'. Basically, the emotional part of our brain takes over the analytical, and we start talking and doing things, out of the negative emotions in us, rather then out of reason and logic. The word 'emotion' means a 'motion'. Emotions move us to action. The Bible says in the Epistle of James, chapter one, that we should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. In other words, when we are angry or upset, we must pause, take a step back, and look at the big picture, but not talk. That gives us an opportunity, to have enough time, to think logically, what will be appropriate to say, and also, by pausing and not talking, we can consider what could be the consequences, if we continue to talk, while angry. The Bible commands us to speak the truth in love, that is, to speak the truth, when we are not angry!

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

This issue has been prayed about a lot, recently.

The reason Charlie often says "Don't take this the wrong way," when he is about to announce DEF, is probably because Charlie honestly doesn't know the difference between DEF, which doesn't bother Debbie in the slightest, and ABC, which does. When he announces DEF, he thinks it's going to upset her. The best thing for Debbie to do is what Goodbook said above. Leave it at "DEF doesn't bother me," and save any discussion of ABC for another time. If ever. Because maybe Charlie never will understand the difference, and nothing Debbie uses for illustration change that. We all have our blind spots.

Now, to go from the general/hypothetical to the specific, my husband is hindered by the inability to discern tone of voice. The reason some words are offensive to some people is because they are said with a subtle undercurrent of disapproval, which he can't pick up, so he has no idea what's wrong with the word. I, on the other hand, am very sensitive to it. I think when our pastor has time (his wife has just had heart surgery, so he needs to focus on her right now) I'd like to sit down with him and my husband and have a discussion on the topic.

We've had some productive discussion. I mentioned that being "politically correct" is nothing more than just changing the labels. "I'm not short. I'm vertically challenged." Hubby and I both agree, that's just silly. When he says he "won't bow to being politically correct," though, he's talking about calling homeless people "bums," people with mental illness "psycho" or "crazy," and people with a learning disability "morons," or a word that would be filtered out here, but it rhymes with "free cards." He can't see a problem in the world with "calling people what they are," as he says it. I'd like to get him to see the benefit in not putting a label on people at all, and just describing what they do rather than saying what they are.

 

[JAM2b]

I would guess that he probably really doesn't mean to be offensive. Unless you are being harmed by it, then it would be best to just let it go. You can't expect people to think and converse the way you do. People have different understandings, beliefs, and personalities that comes out when they say things. You can't control how others think or talk.

I work in a field helping with mental and physical disabilities, so I get the sensitiveness associated with descriptive words that can be offensive. However, not everyone is going to understand that or agree with it. It's not your job to control what comes out of other people's mouths. If it is wrong, then there are natural consequences to that which they can either learn from or endure then ignore. The choice is their's and not your's. You are only responsible for what you say and what you mean by the words you use.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

That's good advice.

The trouble is, I could potentially be harmed by it. He works as a bus driver, and a lot of the clientele is people he considers "bums" and "morons" and "psychos." Yes, he has been reprimanded at work. He has the reputation among riders and management alike as not being real strong in the customer relations department. He's not going to be very nice to a person he looks down on, is he? He assures me that he doesn't actually look down on them, or think he is better than they are, but I have ridden his bus when he's driving, and I've seen him come across that way to his passengers. Yes, that would affect me if anything worse were to come of it. He thinks his supervisors are being unreasonable when they tell him to be nicer to the passengers. I'm trying to explain why they're not. Yet I know he has a blind spot. I know him well enough to understand he's not TRYING to be harsh and judgmental. But it certainly does come out that way.

Let me clarify, he doesn't call his passengers "bums" and "morons" to their faces. He refers to them that way at home, where they don't hear him, and management wouldn't be able to do anything about it anyway. But he does show that attitude of "I think you're a bum" in his facial expression and tone of voice, a fact which he is absolutely blind to.