The Marriage Monster

[Michie]

Philosopher Agnes Callard veils low motive in high virtue -- and in so doing, is only an extreme example of us all

Look, marriage is hard. I'm only weeks away from being officially divorced, a fate that I never imagined for myself, one that shocks and embarrasses me even now, almost a year since my wife told me she had filed, and one that I lived for most of the last decade trying to avoid, solely for the sake of our children. I'm not going to say that everybody should stay married for the sake of their kids, but my soon-to-be-ex-wife and I managed to sustain a modus vivendi that did not traumatize the children (or even disclose to them that their parents were in trouble), until she decided she couldn't bear it anymore. As I have said here before, I don't judge her for that decision. We both hung in there for a long time after the marriage had died, and though I've not talked to her about it, I feel confident in saying that we both did it to spare our kids the pain of divorce. (Fortunately, two of them were already adults at the time of filing, and the third is now 16.) I believe that under ordinary circumstances -- meaning, unless there is infidelity, substance abuse, physical abuse, or serious mental abuse -- husbands and wives should live sacrificially through unhappy marriage, for the sake of giving their kids stability. I accepted a lot of private pain over the past decade out of love for my kids, and wanting to protect them. I don't think I did anything remotely heroic. I think it's what moms and dads should do, period. Hear me clearly: I am NOT justifying accepting abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, infidelity, or things like that. I'm talking about accepting unhappiness, loneliness, things like that, at least till the kids are adults.

I say that as background for the contempt I feel towards Agnes Callard, a University of Chicago philosopher, and the colleagues who justify her scandalous behavior. In a New Yorker profile, we learn that she fell in love with one of her students, divorced her husband and father of her children three weeks later (with his consent), and ran around making philosophical justifications for what she had done, almost bragging about it. Eventually she and her lover, Arnold, married, and later they moved in with Ben, her ex-husband. Naturally, these philosophical types are Beyond Good And Evil, and petty bourgeois morality.

Continued below.

The Marriage Monster

Philosopher Agnes Callard veils low motive in high virtue -- and in so doing, is only an extreme example of us all

www.theamericanconservative.com

 

[PloverWing]

Thanks for this. I've just finished reading The Benedict Option (by Rod Dreher, the author of the linked article), and the autobiographical remarks in this article are helping me understand better the yearning for community that Dreher expresses in his book.

 

[Michie]

Thanks for this. I've just finished reading The Benedict Option (by Rod Dreher, the author of the linked article), and the autobiographical remarks in this article are helping me understand better the yearning for community that Dreher expresses in his book.

You are very welcome!

 

[ZephBonkerer]

I read part of the article. Another day, another sinful slob putting lipstick on a pig (sin) and calling it virtue in a vain attempt to justify her horrendous behavior.

As for the statement of the author: "I believe that under ordinary circumstances ... husbands and wives should live sacrificially through unhappy marriage, for the sake of giving their kids stability." I don't know if I can vouch for this statement, based on my own experiences.

I suffered years of neglect from my wife in a marriage devoid of any real intimacy. When I tried to resolve the issue with her, I received mostly excuses. Then I finally had enough. I gave her an ultimatum that either this improves, or I will proceed with a divorce. At the time, I hoped that the threat of divorce would shatter the wall of excuses she built up over the years. In my mind, I had suffered long enough, and I was not going to stand for it anymore.

Some people didn't agree with my giving an ultimatum. In fact, one person even questioned my very salvation because of it. But I saw no other way to let her know in no uncertain terms that the time for excuses was over. She later decided she wanted to end the marriage, and I was at peace with winding down the marriage. It really was too far gone to save.

 

[Sabri]

I ask the question. How can one be lonely in a marriage? If there’s open communication with your partner. How can marriage fail outside of the things you named adultery, physical, mental or substance abuse? I don’t understand if you’re partner feels lonely why not try talking loving on each other? Is it the attraction is gone.help me to understand.

 

[Sabri]

Philosopher Agnes Callard veils low motive in high virtue -- and in so doing, is only an extreme example of us all

Look, marriage is hard. I'm only weeks away from being officially divorced, a fate that I never imagined for myself, one that shocks and embarrasses me even now, almost a year since my wife told me she had filed, and one that I lived for most of the last decade trying to avoid, solely for the sake of our children. I'm not going to say that everybody should stay married for the sake of their kids, but my soon-to-be-ex-wife and I managed to sustain a modus vivendi that did not traumatize the children (or even disclose to them that their parents were in trouble), until she decided she couldn't bear it anymore. As I have said here before, I don't judge her for that decision. We both hung in there for a long time after the marriage had died, and though I've not talked to her about it, I feel confident in saying that we both did it to spare our kids the pain of divorce. (Fortunately, two of them were already adults at the time of filing, and the third is now 16.) I believe that under ordinary circumstances -- meaning, unless there is infidelity, substance abuse, physical abuse, or serious mental abuse -- husbands and wives should live sacrificially through unhappy marriage, for the sake of giving their kids stability. I accepted a lot of private pain over the past decade out of love for my kids, and wanting to protect them. I don't think I did anything remotely heroic. I think it's what moms and dads should do, period. Hear me clearly: I am NOT justifying accepting abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, infidelity, or things like that. I'm talking about accepting unhappiness, loneliness, things like that, at least till the kids are adults.

I say that as background for the contempt I feel towards Agnes Callard, a University of Chicago philosopher, and the colleagues who justify her scandalous behavior. In a New Yorker profile, we learn that she fell in love with one of her students, divorced her husband and father of her children three weeks later (with his consent), and ran around making philosophical justifications for what she had done, almost bragging about it. Eventually she and her lover, Arnold, married, and later they moved in with Ben, her ex-husband. Naturally, these philosophical types are Beyond Good And Evil, and petty bourgeois morality.

Continued below.

The Marriage Monster

Philosopher Agnes Callard veils low motive in high virtue -- and in so doing, is only an extreme example of us all

www.theamericanconservative.com

How can your marriage die? Please explain it to me.

 

[Michie]

How can your marriage die? Please explain it to me.

Did you read the link? It’s Rod Dreher speaking.

 

[Sabri]

Did you read the link? It’s Rod Dreher speaking.

 

[Sabri]

I read the article. Thank you. However, it’s a general question. I don’t understand someone
Who says their marriage died. When you see signs of being in trouble you need to start I agree his wife was selfish. I believe wholeheartedly in marriage. If someone happens to have an adulterous affair or find themselves in a compromised relationship they should be transparent with their spouse and try to reconcile and repent from their actions. I understand things happen in a marriage. However, it’s for married couples to learn boundaries and ways to adjust to changes to ensure their marriage is the first priority outside of their relationship with Jesus Christ.

 

[Sabri]

Adding to the post- you should start to do things to revive the marriage. Don’t just let it die. When you see it’s going lifeless look for ways to bring it back to life.

 

[Michie]

I read the article. Thank you. However, it’s a general question. I don’t understand someone
Who says their marriage died. When you see signs of being in trouble you need to start I agree his wife was selfish. I believe wholeheartedly in marriage. If someone happens to have an adulterous affair or find themselves in a compromised relationship they should be transparent with their spouse and try to reconcile and repent from their actions. I understand things happen in a marriage. However, it’s for married couples to learn boundaries and ways to adjust to changes to ensure their marriage is the first priority outside of their relationship with Jesus Christ.

Imperfect people often yield imperfect results. The man is heartbroken and disappointed. I don’t feel the need to judge him for the breakdown of his marriage. I will pray for him.