The Joy Of Modern Motherhood

[Verv]

I couldn't help but be taken aback by the headline, Giving Birth Doesn't Mean Giving Up Your Social Life. It seemed something really intriguing to me that I knew the contents would be utterly outrageous, worthy of spitting hot coffee through my nose on a sunday morning as one hears modern feminism clash and selfish capitalism clash against ancient ideas of motherhood and family raising.

Shortly after the birth of her first baby, Brett Paesel found herself not in blissed-out baby heaven, but on her therapist's couch. "All I want is to rewind my life," she mourned, "and be the way I was before I had Spence. I'm never going to be happy again. I've ruined my life." Paesel, a glamorous LA-based comedy actress (Six Feet Under, Curb Your Enthusiasm) simply couldn't reconcile the monotony and sacrifice of bringing up her baby with her old, carefree self.

Her solution was to implement a weekly happy hour in her local bar. Every Friday night she would meet with whichever of her friends could rustle up a babysitter and drink, smoke and discuss sex, drugs, men and anything other than what their newborn sprogs were eating, drinking and s++++ing. Paesel has just written a book on the subject, entitled Mommies Who Drink.
"I spent the days mourning the loss of my past self," she says. "I raged against the limitations mommyhood placed on me. I rebelled against what seemed like an American group-think about what mommies should be: dull, doughy, desexualised, and pathologically interested in all things to do with children."
​

Independent

The excellence of the article is very clear: a mother should not have to burden herself with taking care of her kids, but rather she should escape as much as possible and hire babysitters so she can discuss sex & drugs with her friends. Implied is the notion that being a mother is inherently dull. I am sorry, Brett, but your new baby will not sleep with you or sell you cocaine.

This really highlights the absurd realities of modern life: women try to balance careers and parenting and end up with zero free time which results in, I guess, people actually heeding a portion of the calls from detached Hollywood alien lifeforms to instead spend their evenings drinking with their friends.

Notions of sacrifice in a personal life accompanying motherhood are no fun and so we shy away from them quickly.

We are now left with this ideal:

I had always believed that having a baby would ruin my life. I put off having one for ages because, selfish as it may sound, I thought it would spell the end of all social activity. But when I had Ronnie two years ago, I found it amazingly liberating.
When he was six weeks old, the night before we were due to register him, my partner, my friends and I, all sat in the pub, passing him around trying to work out a name for him.
​

Oh, the romance: with your partner (it is uncouth and passe to marry somebody anymore, it is much more en vogue to have a simple partner who really has no contract with you at all) passing around your child to your friends and thinking over a potential name.
It turns out having a baby does not ruin your life: it brings more light into your pub life by providing opportunity to bestow names onto children over a few beers, because God knows alcohol and naming of children mix together quite well.

We live in an era where no one is expected to really be a parent in any conventional form -- we are expected to be partners (not husbands and wives) and the more endearing terms, mommies and daddies, being that anybody is ready to enjoy the fruits of alcohol and free time when parenting. Otherwise, as it is said, having a child will tear apart your precious social life -- God forbid that your social life turns to doing things with families with children of similar ages as that would take it directly out of the bar (and perhaps those lame characters with their husbands and wives might look down on your partnerships).

Welcome to the 21st century -- we are in a second Pax Romana; come back later, the native populace is too busy fornicating, drinking and hiring foreigners to take care of our children (who most of the rest of the time are raised by televisions and video games).

 

[WatersMoon110]

Just because some mothers, mostly celebrity mothers, are drinking and partying around their young children, doesn't mean that all mothers are.

I do agree with a small bit of the article, that the parents of young children do often need some time to get out of the house. I often babysat for my sister when my nephew was young, so that she could spend some time with adults (and when she was in class, as she finished college after having him).

 

[Verv]

I agree that parents do need time off -- that is the healthy thing to do but bringing a newborn to a bar for a naming ceremony or bemoaning the death of your entire social life due to pregnancy and turning to poor habits seems like a poor alternative. It seems like they are using parenthood to go way over the bounds.

I also agree that this is not standard... Yet. However, when everybody is reading excuses to be an alcoholic mother and shirk responsibility in favor of personal lives it is a little disconcerning.

 

[WatersMoon110]

Honestly, you think that some woman saying that it is "okay to take one's infant to the bar" is going to convince women that is true?

I would never bring my small child (if I have one) to a place dedicated to serving adult beverages, and no book would make me change my mind on this matter. I do not feel that such an atmosphere would be a healthy environment for my child to be in.

But really, these children are not being abused or neglected. I don't feel it is my place to tell other people how to raise their children (unless said children are suffering). I don't really care what these few parents are doing, and I really don't understand why anyone else would.

Most parents have little or no desire to drink at a bar around their child.

And I think that all parents, at some time in their lives, do feel that having a child changed their life for the worse (Like this video sings about:
Jonathan Coulton). I really don't think it's a problem if they occasionally have a drink or two (assuming they are of age, of course), while leaving their child with a babysitter, so long as they aren't breastfeeding or have milked stored (so no alcohol gets to the kid).

 

[JadeTigress]

I've never wanted kids, and I don't see that ever changing. That internal "mommy" clock still hasn't gone off, and I doubt that it's even ticking. If I do decide that I want a kid, I'll adopt. And not a baby, either.

My sister-in-law (who I'm living with) is pregnant. I'm the youngest in my family, so this is my first real experience with being around a pregnant woman. Just watching her, and talking with her about all the things she's going through and all the things she's learned about, makes me want my own biological kid that much less.

I don't want a child ruining my body and my social life, making me feel miserable for 9 months, and taking huge chunks of my money. Sorry for being horribly selfish.

I'll stick with pets. Much better than kids, in my opinion.

 

[flicka]

This isn't anything new it's just being reported that way. Some women just don't take to motherhood.

 

[Verv]

A question for Moon: What od you think that such outrageous ideas are being embraced by mainstream newspapers and book publishers?

For Jade: I think you are still young (20) and that would indicate you certainly have time to wait. Though many desire to have kids at a younger age what makes you think you will change so little in the next ten years?

For Flicka: But is it merely a choice due to not sacrificing a social life? Doesn't that come off as selifsh, untrue and short sighted? Social life exists outside of the bear, and furthermore, I know that eventually I became a driving force in my families social life (many of my parents great friends were met through my sporting events).

I think the article is utterly ridiculous.

 

[flicka]

For Flicka: But is it merely a choice due to not sacrificing a social life? Doesn't that come off as selifsh, untrue and short sighted? Social life exists outside of the bear, and furthermore, I know that eventually I became a driving force in my families social life (many of my parents great friends were met through my sporting events).

None of that matters. Some women are not cut out for motherhood. It's always been that way. At no point in time did this kind of thing not exist.

 

[JadeTigress]

For Jade: I think you are still young (20) and that would indicate you certainly have time to wait. Though many desire to have kids at a younger age what makes you think you will change so little in the next ten years?

It certainly could happen, but just based on how I am, I don't really see it happening. I think it's just something that's ingrained in me.

When I was little, I never played with baby dolls. Ever. I had no desire for them, and the few times that people would hand me a doll, I wanted nothing to do with it, and had no idea how to even play with it. But I loved stuffed animals, and would always baby them and play with them like you would with a doll.

And now, at 20 years old, I still want nothing to do with babies, and if you hand me an animal, I'll baby it and cuddle it and be motherly towards it.

 

[Renton405]

What an absolutly AWFUL view on motherhood. I can almost guarantee this child is gonna grown up feeling unwanted..This article screams out self-centeredness all the way

I mean could you obviously give someone worse advice? This is not what mothering is about. A baby is a full time family thing. Not a job where you get drunk after the day is gone. Whats gonna happen when the child gets older and sees mommy going out drinking in pubs with men?

What is a mother even doing dicussing drugs with her friends while she has a baby at home? Is she an alcoholic/drug addict or something?


This Brett Paisel is a good example of what the modern feminist movement is doing to the view on motherhood and young women today,,

 

[Cassandra]

I agree with the OP as far as the article NOT being a stellar example of parenting, but I don't forsee it being a major influence on mothers/mothers to be.

Jade:

I was just like you. Even down to knowing someone who was pregnant and being turned off from pregnancy because of it. I even saw a live birth...most people will talk about the miracle of birth, but that had to be the most disturbing thing I've ever witnessed. I've never heard a human being scream like that. I also wasn't much for baby dolls, either I've also never felt very comfortable around babies or small children.

Despite all that my maternal instincts have started kicking in and I want to have a baby now.

So it can happen...not saying it will, but it can.

 

[Verv]

None of that matters. Some women are not cut out for motherhood. It's always been that way. At no point in time did this kind of thing not exist.

I would agree -- as always, many women even entered convents feeling a higher calling than being a mother and still others naturally just have different pursuits. However, I do not think that it was common place for people avoiding parenthood in fear for their social life.

 

[HazyRigby]

It certainly could happen, but just based on how I am, I don't really see it happening. I think it's just something that's ingrained in me.

It certainly hasn't happened for me. I've never for a moment wanted children (and did the same things with baby dolls that you did). At 32, I still don't want them and am happy that soon I won't be able to.

It boggles my mind that, since the beginning of time, men have been able to say all of the things that women are being lambasted in this thread for saying: "I don't want kids," "I want to still have a social life after I have my baby," "I enjoy adult activities and will find a babysitter so that I can do them." It doesn't seem selfish to me to want a night a week to yourself. Spending all of one's time focused solely on one's child would seem to me to be a quick way not only to spoil the child but to become very unhappy—thus making the child unhappy.

 

[HazyRigby]

However, I do not think that it was common place for people avoiding parenthood in fear for their social life.

What difference does it make why people avoid having children? If they don't want them, isn't that good enough? I think not having children because you want a social life is no worse than having them just because you want them. What about the number of people who get pregnant when they can't financially support a child? Or when their marriages are struggling? Or when they're too young to be able to be good parents? Or because they want someone that loves them? All of those reasons seem incredibly selfish to me, AND a child is born who had no choice.

Do you want people who don't want or like kids to have them anyway?

 

[Futuwwa]

What flicka said. If a woman does not want to be a mother (for whatever reason), imposing motherhood on her only results in unloved, neglected children.

Why not leave motherhood to those who want it? And while at it, throw child support funds at them so they can have as many children as they want without worrying about the finances. And stop telling them they need to be "liberated" and have a career. For every woman with six children, two other women can be childless without the population imploding.

 

[teishpriest]

Personally, I'm just appalled at the negative attitude in our society towards children. The stares I get when I take our two toddler to Dairy Queen for goodness sakes. Like, "How dare you bring, gasp, CHILDREN, here while we are trying to have lunch!" If you don't want kids, fine, but the idea that kids are only a burden and will ruin you life is really unfair. All of us were screaming babies at one point in our lives!

I NEVER ONCE heard my mom say, "Oh I'll be so glad when they go back to school so that I don't have to deal with them anymore." I always felt sorry for all of the kids whose mothers said that in front of them! It's no wonder kids today are so messed up when the only message they get is "Hurry up and turn 18 and move out so that we can get on with our own lives." Sad.

 

[HazyRigby]

And while at it, throw child support funds at them so they can have as many children as they want without worrying about the finances.

Um, no. It's not my job to support someone while she has as many babies as she wants. But thanks for asking.

 

[HazyRigby]

If you don't want kids, fine, but the idea that kids are only a burden and will ruin you life is really unfair.

Perhaps to you. But to me, kids ARE a burden, and they WOULD ruin my life.

That doesn't excuse people being mean to you when you're out with your kids (especially at Dairy Queen). But for some of us, the attitude expressed above is absolutely the truth. It's not a reflection on your choice to parent. It's a reflection on what I find important in my life (yes, more important than having children).

 

[Futuwwa]

Um, no. It's not my job to support someone while she has as many babies as she wants. But thanks for asking.

Would you rather have your society face negative population growth? The children born and raised today are the ones whose work will pay your pensions when you retire.

Traditionally, parents carried the whole burden (in work and time) of taking care of kids, and they repaid it by taking care of their parents when they were too old to work. Since society has collectively taken on the financial cost of caring for the old, it is only consistent that society does the same to the cost of raising kids.

 

[JGG]

Personally, I'm just appalled at the negative attitude in our society towards children. The stares I get when I take our two toddler to Dairy Queen for goodness sakes. Like, "How dare you bring, gasp, CHILDREN, here while we are trying to have lunch!" If you don't want kids, fine, but the idea that kids are only a burden and will ruin you life is really unfair. All of us were screaming babies at one point in our lives!

I'm sorry, but the Freudian in me is reading some projection here.