The arch-nemesis

[bluegreysky]

They told me I could bring someone. They all bring their whole families (because they have kids).

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Yeah I don't think of it as sweeping it under the rug because behind closed doors he and I do discuss it for the purposes of working through it.
I look at it more like moving forward.
Closing a chapter.
Forgiving but not forgetting... I remember what happened.

Moving forward with the mantra of forgiving but not forgetting is the very definition of sweeping it all underneath the rug.

But I don't feel like it's healthy to bring it forward into all of my future endeavors
like going to a church or a small group and immediately launching into the dark stuff. I literally have done that before.
Come into a new place and been like "hi, I'm <bluegreysky>, and I partied too much" like it was some 12-step thing and it was a small group or whatever.

Also sweeping under the rug.

I'd like to go into the next parts of my life and let's say.... emanate positive things and then once I know people more intimately, I might talk about the bad stuff from an aspect of what I learned.

So be inauthentic, then once you can control the narrative of your past so that it better fits your inauthenticity, trickle it out in a way that doesn’t ruin your image.

That sounds like a great way to show yourself to be as giving, open, endearing, genuine, and approachable as this girl you don’t like.

Of course that means you now can’t get help in the context of your needs and, when your stable, give authentic helpful advice to the next you who comes to church looking for help... But trade offs are what they are.

 

[bluegreysky]

so what do you suggest? sit out in the rain and feel sorry for myself? lol

 

[jameseb]

So be inauthentic, then once you can control the narrative of your past so that it better fits your inauthenticity, trickle it out in a way that doesn’t ruin your image.

That sounds like a great way to show yourself to be as giving, open, endearing, genuine, and approachable as this girl you don’t like.

Of course that means you now can’t get help in the context of your needs and, when your stable, give authentic helpful advice to the next you who comes to church looking for help... But trade offs are what they are.

I think you interpreted what she was saying differently than I. I don't believe she's advocating for inauthenticity. Maybe I read it wrong, but I interpreted it as her simply wanting to establish trust before sharing more personal details about her life experiences, or establish an environment or setting where it's appropriate to discuss such issues. I believe most people are like that. If, say, I'm having a very bad day and I'm out grocery shopping and I cross paths with someone he acknowledges me with a smile, I'm not going to display what I'm feeling by frowning at them. They might take it the wrong way, not understanding what I've been through that day. I'm not being fake when I smile back; I'm just being polite and exercising proper etiquette.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

There’s literally like 5 pages of suggestions over two threads on what and where your focus should be:

Counseling
Joint counseling
Specific action plan for you and your husband to address your affair
Specific action plan for you and your husband to address the issues he has
Financial planner to avoid bankruptcy
Researching post-baby needs (daycare, state assistance, living situation, etc)
Spending/savings plan to help with expense of starting a business and maintaining a business
Spending/savings plan for when your income is reduced from being on maternity leave

From there, tackling things like improving your ability to handle stress, his ability to manage his illness, your ability to parent jointly, etc etc.

Worrying about Facebook and friends and turning Work trips to vacations (especially since he’s got his own stuff going on trying to start a business) should be at the way, way, way, way, way bottom.

 

[bluegreysky]

I AM doing those things sheesh

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I think you interpreted what she was saying differently than I. I don't believe she's advocating for inauthenticity. Maybe I read it wrong, but I interpreted it as her simply wanting to establish trust before sharing more personal details about her life experiences, or establish an environment or setting where it's appropriate to discuss such issues. I believe most people are like that. If, say, I'm having a very bad day and I'm out grocery shopping and I cross paths with someone he acknowledges me with a smile, I'm not going to display what I'm feeling by frowning at them. They might take it the wrong way, not understanding what I've been through that day. I'm not being fake when I smile back; I'm just being polite and exercising proper etiquette.

When you’re having a bad day at work but you smile at a cashier anyway, that’s etiquette.

When you’re sharing that you’re seperated, not sure you want to go back, have another partner lined up, you’re miserable and not sure you can bounce back or that he wants to bounce back, then 3 months later say you are jealous of the girl who had everything and you want to know how to present that image for yourself to the peer group that knows your backstory because you’ve decided to close that chapter but not forget it and want that image too, that’s inauthenticity.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I AM doing those things sheesh

It’s hard to keep up with what you are and aren’t doing since in the other thread you weren’t doing joint counseling until “maybe June” and your plans in the other thread included “sleep in,” “go to the pool,” and go grocery shopping/bargain sniff while he starts a business.

In this thread you make it sound like you have been joint counseling with mild success (though it caused friction) and just complained that he didn’t want to vacation due to very real issues related to unresolved habits of yours while he’s trying to start a business and that upset you because you wanted to enjoy a vacation paid for by your new employer, and the resolution is him going on vacation based on only a promise you won’t fall into old habits (even though you start the trip with an extra expense because of boarding the pets).

So you see why it’s kind of hard to know exactly what’s going on and being dealt with.

 

[bluegreysky]

I am pregnant after all ‍
So yeah like very moody and a lot of things upset me .... including all of this berating.

 

[bluegreysky]

I need to lead a healthy balanced life .
This means that yes I need to address the issues and get counseling and talk with my husband until he feels better about stuff Work on a budget and read about baby and all of that ...

But it also means I need rest . I need to enjoy what I have for life for now until there’s a baby and I’m very very busy . I lost my career which was Trumatic I spent eight months working difficult jobs and too much. I am just grateful to have one job I love and my weekends free . These weekends are going to be a balance mix of things that are important to get done and just having a good time. That is how I had them before and it will be easy to return to that format.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Of course it’s easy to go back to having free time and fun. That goes without saying. And of course the easiest advice is the advice you want to hear.

The other poster said it best... You are all over the place and you need to focus on what’s important because you’re not prioritizing effectively. Getting into the groove of free time you can do whatever with and fun times is a temporary bandaid and easy solution to most problems. People are pointing out that solution will work for you until the baby is born and your free time is gone again, which is hard to hear, but that’s the reality. And spending time combing through the ancient Facebook feed of a girl you want to copy to get tips on how to be popular is fruitless. It doesn’t fix the problems that had you on the brink of divorce 3-4 months ago.

You not liking being told this has nothing to do with your pregnancy. The pregnancy card excuse so doesn’t work on me, LoL. You need rest and to care for yourself, but you don’t need to pause your life. You can work in a busy office, travel alone, and work on the things above without a problem. You’ve done an admirable job defending your free time, but you still have to do the other stuff too.

 

[bluegreysky]

I’m going to give you a metaphor.
Let’s say you work in a grocery store.
And I come into your store and fill my cart with fruits and veggies. Then i decide since I’ve gotten a healthy shopping list, I would like one treat. So I go in the candy aisle. You happen to be the employee working in the candy aisle. So I ask for some help picking something out. You immediately start yelling at me that I need to eat healthy. Meanwhile, I have that whole cart full of fruits and veggies.

Ok.... the cart of healthy things is me getting my life on track. The candy is me trying to relax a little and also make friends and maybe it’s not the most healthy but I want to follow a few things someone else did that worked and then have some good times.
You are yelling at me for wanting to have the good times, relax etc... while I am already filling my “cart” with healthy choices.

Sure, a few months ago I was in a bad place. This has happened before- I would get into a downspiral and things looked bleak, and then God would deliver me out of it very quickly and I’d make a swift comeback. The idea here is to stop going into a downspiral. The only reason I seem all over the place is because of how swiftly things changed from bad to good. I don’t come onto this forum and talk about every little thing, I just come for advice now and then about the sticky stuff. So of course there would
Seem to be holes in my lifestyle.
If you could see it day to day in person, you’d see I am doing most of the things.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I’m going to give you a metaphor.
Let’s say you work in a grocery store.
And I come into your store and fill my cart with fruits and veggies. Then i decide since I’ve gotten a healthy shopping list, I would like one treat. So I go in the candy aisle. You happen to be the employee working in the candy aisle. So I ask for some help picking something out. You immediately start yelling at me that I need to eat healthy. Meanwhile, I have that whole cart full of fruits and veggies.

Ok.... the cart of healthy things is me getting my life on track. The candy is me trying to relax a little and also make friends and maybe it’s not the most healthy but I want to follow a few things someone else did that worked and then have some good times.
You are yelling at me for wanting to have the good times, relax etc... while I am already filling my “cart” with healthy choices.

Sure, a few months ago I was in a bad place. This has happened before- I would get into a downspiral and things looked bleak, and then God would deliver me out of it very quickly and I’d make a swift comeback. The idea here is to stop going into a downspiral. The only reason I seem all over the place is because of how swiftly things changed from bad to good. I don’t come onto this forum and talk about every little thing, I just come for advice now and then about the sticky stuff. So of course there would
Seem to be holes in my lifestyle.
If you could see it day to day in person, you’d see I am doing most of the things.

Interesting examples and scenario...

 

[faroukfarouk]

I am pregnant after all ‍
So yeah like very moody and a lot of things upset me .... including all of this berating.

I hope you manage to have a restful lead up to your expected joyful event.

 

[bluegreysky]

How do I delete this thread?

 

[snoochface]

Ask an admin to do it.

 

[faroukfarouk]

How do I delete this thread?

Maybe you can delete the first post? if not, maybe send a message to a mod.

 

[bluegreysky]

where do I find a admin

 

[*LILAC]

You can also report your first post with a request to delete.

 

[bluegreysky]

Actually I think I want to delete ALL my posts going back a few years. Nothing good on there anyway.