- Dec 9, 2005
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Well, I’ve been Orthodox for over twenty years. Coming in as a middle-aged adult, I was humble enough but excited to join a Church where people maintained the same shared beliefs since the foundation of the Church. For the first new years, as a new convert, learning what was what, how we ought to live, and thinking that I could slowly come to live a more holy life. But before ten years had passed, the first disillusionment happened. The married couples of the parish, one by one, began to divorce, most notably, among women who sang in the choir. I began the translation of Chesterton’s “The Superstition of Divorce”, not being a pastor, but wishing to contribute what was in my power to fight the epidemic. But it didn’t end there. By the 15-year mark, it became clear that many of my fellow Orthodox Christians did not share beliefs which to me had obviously been held by all Christendom up to the end of the 20th century. There were many issues, from small to big, from headcovering to ecumenism. At the time, the liberals stood out most, especially regarding sexual morality, and it seemed self-evident, from Scripture, the fathers, and the historical universal acceptance across Christendom that many stood in need of correction. The issue of the authority to do so became apparent, and it seemed to come down to personal opinion, something I found intolerable and wholly inconsistent with Tradition, and the only form of mediation that seemed authoritative was the consensus of the fathers. If one didn’t accept that, then we were just another bunch of Protestants, deciding for ourselves what “Holy Tradition” was, dividing the word of truth by no means always rightly.
I wound up joining with the traditional-minded members of the church, as they seemed to stand for sanity amidst the chaos of the world that the liberals were bringing into the Church. However, I observed some things that ranged from odd to mildly concerning among the conservatives. Some dreamed of restoring the Tsar and Russian imperialism, others the USSR, and eventually, to my alarm, some turned out to be admirers of Stalin. Eventually I came to realize that people were falling away in different ways from Church teaching, and that hardly anyone shared all of the same beliefs regarding Church teaching and Tradition. Some went so far as to say that all needed to agree only on the Symbol of Faith, which seemed insane to me. At the same time, the other confessions, Catholic and Protestant, were and are falling away even faster. I began to feel as if maybe the Church was not really the Church. But none of my original convictions and knowledge of facts had changed. I simply saw no alternative, and Lewis and Chesterton, who had so thoroughly convinced me of the Faith, were still, so to speak, standing right there.
From the isolation of Covid I had already felt plenty of loneliness and despair, despite praying almost without ceasing. When I had that fateful confrontation with the Stalinists at the end of 2021, those feelings kicked into high gear. When Russia invaded the Ukraine, it was almost too much to bear. I kept a hip flask close by, to “medicate” the worst of it, against Chesterton’s solid advice. When a school offered to hire us in Montenegro (and made promises that, as it turned out, it couldn’t keep regarding how much money we could make), we decided to leave our long home for the duration of the crisis, hoping to return after a year or two when things settled down. We were driven by fear of having our son conscripted to fight a war we opposed, and the fact of my being American might make me a target of some ambitious ”civil servant” sooner or later willing to frame something on me to advance his career, among other things. For a short time, the change really did me good. But as it became clear that we weren’t being paid enough to fully support ourselves, and I was putting in 40 hours a week in class, and it was killing me. Not having a confessor I could really talk to, let alone a spiritual father, made things worse. But in fleeing the crazy conservatives, so to speak, I found myself among the liberals that had driven me into the conservatives’ arms in the first place, and they likewise were not monolith in their beliefs, though they did have broad trends in common, some of which I still found unacceptable. I learned to keep most of my thoughts to myself, and to talk to no one about my thoughts and feelings. With all men being on the average twenty years younger than me, along with the other issues of native language and personal interests, finding friends proved impossible. So spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, I found myself completely on my own, responsible for a wife and children, but not really part of any community. The Church, for me, turned out to be an institution that can offer the Sacraments, but fellowship was no longer on the table. When the nation changed its laws and rules for immigrants, and quadrupled and back-dated our taxes, we lost our residency and legal status.
Even here, it feels like there is little left to say, as if everything has been said and now we are all waiting, waiting… for what? The Second Coming? I wish. In some ways, I suppose it seems like the hand of God is still working. We are miraculously being left alone, no authorities seek us out or trouble us. But we live day to day, with no particular hope, just trying to make it to tomorrow. Where is the Church? I don’t know. I’m just going to go to church on Sundays, take Communion and confess when I can, and hope that God will deliver us.
I wound up joining with the traditional-minded members of the church, as they seemed to stand for sanity amidst the chaos of the world that the liberals were bringing into the Church. However, I observed some things that ranged from odd to mildly concerning among the conservatives. Some dreamed of restoring the Tsar and Russian imperialism, others the USSR, and eventually, to my alarm, some turned out to be admirers of Stalin. Eventually I came to realize that people were falling away in different ways from Church teaching, and that hardly anyone shared all of the same beliefs regarding Church teaching and Tradition. Some went so far as to say that all needed to agree only on the Symbol of Faith, which seemed insane to me. At the same time, the other confessions, Catholic and Protestant, were and are falling away even faster. I began to feel as if maybe the Church was not really the Church. But none of my original convictions and knowledge of facts had changed. I simply saw no alternative, and Lewis and Chesterton, who had so thoroughly convinced me of the Faith, were still, so to speak, standing right there.
From the isolation of Covid I had already felt plenty of loneliness and despair, despite praying almost without ceasing. When I had that fateful confrontation with the Stalinists at the end of 2021, those feelings kicked into high gear. When Russia invaded the Ukraine, it was almost too much to bear. I kept a hip flask close by, to “medicate” the worst of it, against Chesterton’s solid advice. When a school offered to hire us in Montenegro (and made promises that, as it turned out, it couldn’t keep regarding how much money we could make), we decided to leave our long home for the duration of the crisis, hoping to return after a year or two when things settled down. We were driven by fear of having our son conscripted to fight a war we opposed, and the fact of my being American might make me a target of some ambitious ”civil servant” sooner or later willing to frame something on me to advance his career, among other things. For a short time, the change really did me good. But as it became clear that we weren’t being paid enough to fully support ourselves, and I was putting in 40 hours a week in class, and it was killing me. Not having a confessor I could really talk to, let alone a spiritual father, made things worse. But in fleeing the crazy conservatives, so to speak, I found myself among the liberals that had driven me into the conservatives’ arms in the first place, and they likewise were not monolith in their beliefs, though they did have broad trends in common, some of which I still found unacceptable. I learned to keep most of my thoughts to myself, and to talk to no one about my thoughts and feelings. With all men being on the average twenty years younger than me, along with the other issues of native language and personal interests, finding friends proved impossible. So spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, I found myself completely on my own, responsible for a wife and children, but not really part of any community. The Church, for me, turned out to be an institution that can offer the Sacraments, but fellowship was no longer on the table. When the nation changed its laws and rules for immigrants, and quadrupled and back-dated our taxes, we lost our residency and legal status.
Even here, it feels like there is little left to say, as if everything has been said and now we are all waiting, waiting… for what? The Second Coming? I wish. In some ways, I suppose it seems like the hand of God is still working. We are miraculously being left alone, no authorities seek us out or trouble us. But we live day to day, with no particular hope, just trying to make it to tomorrow. Where is the Church? I don’t know. I’m just going to go to church on Sundays, take Communion and confess when I can, and hope that God will deliver us.
