The word that matters is "addiction"
Still, the same issue applies. My dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict. I dont remember my mom or anyone in the family feeling suicidal over it. Think about it. No matter what issue or addiction a spouse might face, suicide is a gross overreaction. In my opinion it indicates the possibility of more deeply set emotional issues. If my wife were addicted to romance novels or something of a more mature nature and depriving me of intimacy, wed need counseling and Id need to muster up the ability to forgive and try to understand her situation.
Indeed they do. I have seen somewhere that a hotel chain reported that they have higher than average inappropriate content access when certain church conferences take place at their hotels. But internet inappropriate content is not the same as the old Playboy centrefold. Humans often have problems with self-image and wondering how attractivve they are. Re-touched films that eliminate the imperfections on the performers complexions, airbrushed photograpphs that make models look impossibly thin and similar 'tricks of the trade' all help to cause anxiety in women.
I dont doubt what hotel chains report. Human beings are human beings, even if they are in church. While a Christian should sin less, Christians arent sinless.
I dont doubt that the media can contribute to a womans insecurity over her self image. However, I also think that people need to wake up and realize that it isnt reality. We cant control the media that much. However, we can govern ourselves as best we can. Id say that if a woman starts to feel insecure about herself, she should see a counselor, pastor, or close friend to reassure her of reality. Also, Ive had to accept that there are men taller than me, younger than me, stronger than me, more wealthy than me, that drive nicer cars than me, have more beautiful houses than I do, etc., etc. There will always be a more beautiful woman somewhere. The problem isnt so much the media, its the heart of the individual that begins to feel suicidal and has accepted the false reality that the media peddles. Bad move. I mean
if I let the media define my self image
Id be a mess.
Add to this the fact that her husband cannot get an erection with her, but she has seen him touch to inappropriate content on the computer and you have a major marriage problem coming along.
True that is a problem. However, is the problem can often be deeper than whats on the surface. For example, a good friend of mine was discovered to be into this stuff. His wife went on the rampage. She even threatened divorce. She put him on lock down. He was being treated like a five year old in his own home. She regulated all his internet access. Had to allow his wife to monitor his email. She went through all his personal affects. He had to surrender his cell phone on demand. He had to report any activity that would cause him to deviate from his schedule. It was one of the most horrendous, humiliating, disrespectful situations I remember seeing. All of this was imposed on him because of books and materials she read on the subject. Eventually enough was enough. He is a man. He brings home the bacon. He works hard. He loves his wife. He loves his kids. He was simply struggling with a private sin. He left and demanded counseling. As it turns out
he had lost his mother just under a year before. He was having some serious issues with work stress. Working overtime, he had significant stress because he wasnt as involved with his kids as he wanted to be. His wife didnt work, so overtime was necessary whenever it was offered. Working overtime quite often, having compounding stress and being emotionally exhausted caused him to not feel in the mood or like being deeply emotional or romantic. Therefore, his love life with his wife was suffering. This led to fights and battles over bills, kids, romance, etc. So, when he was in the mood, his wife wasnt because of all the fighting. When he lost his mother, it all began to slowly build to a breaking point. He began to retreat into an adolescent behavior to relieve stress. He retreated into a fantasy world where he was in control. He didnt face the fear of denial. The women never said no to anything he enjoyed. He didnt feel like a failure. He was desired, respected, and wanted. Now, we know that this is all an illusion. But the real issues arent the adult material. The real issues are the stress and deep emotional factors that caused him to retreat into his world where he felt like
a man. Its like alcoholism. One of the things you have to do is face your inner demons. The things that make you feel helpless and afraid. The things that often drive you to retreat to a place of numbing or escaping the pain. Kids have even done this with Dungeons & Dragons games or video games when their home life is a disaster. Their counselor (I dont know if he was Christian) strongly urged mutual RESPECT, UNDERSTANDING, and BOUNDERIES. The counselor also continued to work with him on the issues that he was facing that he felt helpless to confront. At first his wife was upset because the counselor strongly urged her to stop monitoring him and allow him to simply be. As it turned out, she had SERIOUS control issues that she had to face. She forgot that her husband was a human being, not property she owned. She also forgot the grace it takes to love a flawed human being. She realized that she was also treating him more like he was her son than like he was her husband.
My point is
addressing a mans use of adult material may not be addressing the REAL issues.
I am sure some are. But what about the women who are unable to have normal sexual relations with their husbands because the husband has been masturbating to internet inappropriate content (goes with the territory of watching) to such an extent that the husbands, in their 20's and 30's are suffering from inappropriate content-induced ED?
Statistically, if adult material contributed to ED
the vast majority of men in America would be facing this issue. ED is something that is more deeply rooted in a mans emotional center. It has more to do with his feeling secure, accepted, respected, desired, and ability to perform. Whittle away at this things, and a man will face ED even without adult material. Again, this is a sign of a far bigger issue. If we go on the warpath focused on just the adult material
branding them perverts and unfaithful husbands
were not truly having the grace to get to the REAL issues that a man might be facing.
There is a difference between an addiction and enjoying something. I enjoy an occasional beer IRL, but my friend Ian does not because Ian is an alcoholic. What would you say if your sahm wife spent all day when she was supposed to be keeping home reading her romance novel and never had any food ready, even when you were late getting in from work, naver did any housework or cleaning and laundry and had let the children go hungry all day so that she could get her fix?
I certainly wouldnt blame her romance novel. She could retreat to an internet forum (as some women no doubt do here). She might retreat into Facebook. She might retreat into Farmville. She might retreat into the video game world of Sims. Do we go on the warpath against all of these things that our wives (or even husbands) might retreat into? Or do we have the grace, patience, and understanding that it might take to find out what the more issues are beneath the surface?
Go read Marnia Robinson and/or Gary Wilson on Cupid's Poisoned Arrow to get the picture.
I will, sounds like a good read. However, some books Ive read on this subject are just control based, legalistic, perfectionism that tend to enslave more than liberate and bring mutual respect and boundaries. For example, one book insinuated that spouses have authority over each others sexuality. Now, to a point I agree. Under no circumstances should a spouse be unfaithful with another person. Also, its a serious issue of the heart if a spouse actually desires another person. However, fantasy is healthy and natural. I dont look at it like a man owns his wifes sexuality. In fact, I look at it like it is something that belongs to her that she has chosen to share with her husband, and vice versa. Our spouses are still sexual beings even if we never married; even if they were single. Some boundaries, respect, trust, and acceptance are necessary
seasoned with grace. If my lady chooses to take a long candle light bath on occasion with her favorite romance novel
she doesnt have to hide it from me. In fact, if she tells me shed like some, private time, Ill see to it the kids arent knocking on the bathroom door until shes out and about again. I believe in loving and respecting a spouse. Now, if she began to neglect intimacy with me altogether, Id want counseling. Id not put her on lock down. Id not monitor her every move. Id not make her a prisoner in her own home. Id want to get to the root of the issues shes facing. I know a man whose wife began to cut off intimacy. He became convinced she was having an affair. He began tracking her computer usage, emails, cell phone calls, etc. She felt deeply disrespected and it drove the wedge that was between them deeper. Their pastor counseled them. As it turns out
she was self-conscious because she put on a few pounds.
The real issues behind these problems need to be addressed. The problem isnt the romance novels, swimsuit magazines, the playboys, the video games, Facebook, chat groups, etc. The real issues are what drive a person to retreat into this world where they feel safe, in control, respected, desired, and satisfied.
Also, there needs to be some mutual respect between human beings. Just as a husband has no right to tell his wife she cant buy a romance novel or a personal item
so too a wife has no right to tell her husband he cant by something for his personal needs. One might buy cigarettes, a bottle of wine on Friday nights, or magazine
and it might indeed be sin. However, mutual love, grace, and respect should reign. Pray for your spouse if they struggle. Accept them for who they are. Understand that they are going through something. It might even be a phase of life like a midlife crisis. Whatever the issue, love and prayer is the answer. Not control and scolding. Lets respect one another as human beings. God loved us while we were yet sinners. And so should we. Love.
Find a counselor that focuses on mutual love and respect. Don't be afraid of the REAL issues. They have to be faced eventually, even if it's something as simple as a spouse having a significantly higher libido. The deeper issues can't be left unresolved.