Suggestions on getting hubby to help around the house

[Angeldove97]

Hubby grew up in a household where his parents did all of the chores - he kept his room clean and put dirty dishes in the sink and that was it while he was growing up. I grew up in a household where I was doing chores from a young age and by high school was responsible for cleaning the kitchen daily, doing laundry and throwing out trash every few days, and cooking dinner for my family M-F while working a part-time job and going to school full-time. Hubby grew up with his parents tossing something if it broke - I grew up being taught how to fix something if it broke (my parents still have a washer and dryer that are older than me). So I acknowledge we have very different backgrounds.

Thinking about and organizing to do chores and errands around the house just comes naturally to me, while it's one of the least important things to my husband. Hubby likes a place that looks "lived in" and I like a place that looks ready for surprise guests ideally.

We just moved, which is our second move in 2 years, since our landlord wanted to suddenly sell the place. Thankfully I'm off for summer vacation, but I started to get resentful of having to do a lot of the packing, organizing of what needed to be donated/thrown out or boxed up, what we needed to get for the new place, and I've done a lot of the unpacking. Hubby says that is fine since I'm on summer vacation (he's working a full-time job), which is kind of hurtful since from September to June I put in a lot more work hours than he does - I take work home (he doesn't) and am expected to be able to respond to emails during the evening from my boss or a parent (I'm a teacher). So I was really hoping to use this summer as a time to work on curriculum (my own and I'm supporting 3 other teachers as they rewrite theirs too) - not moving. He also shared that he did a lot of the heavy lifting on the moving day - which is totally true, although we also did have 3 other male friends to help who did a lot of the heavy lifting.

My bottom line though is how can I get my husband to help around the house more without having to ask him repeatedly to help? He is usually positive about helping, but will put things off and then forget. I will ask 2-3 times and then get annoyed and he tells me I'm nagging him/he gets upset with me.

I was thinking of writing down a chore list for both of us of stuff that needs to be worked on so he can refer to that, but seems more work for me which doesn't seem fair.

It's just simple chores: pick up your clothes and sort them into what needs to be washed and put away what is still clean. He'll do it so fast that he leaves stuff under the bed, in a corner, and then I have to decide what to do with them. Or like wash the dishes (we don't have a dishwasher in the new apartment) instead of me having to bring it up.

 

[Darkhorse]

The chore list for both of you is a good idea; your jobs and his jobs.

Have the two of you ever talked about "being part of a family" and everyone "pulling their weight"?

How about doing housework together in the nude? It's fun!

 

[turkle]

It's good that you understand the difference in your upbringing. You married him knowing this about him, right?

What I see happening from what you've said is the trap many couples fall into. The trap is the who-does-more competition. Each person thinks they are doing either enough or more than the other, and then the conflict deepens.

The phrase you used, "how can I get my husband to help around the house more without having to ask him repeatedly to help?" is one that shows that you want to manipulate him into doing what you want. That is a common response the the competition trap. The problem is, the more you try to "get" him to do something, the less likely he will be to do anything.

The solution is to cooperate, not compete. That means that you sit down with your husband and ask him how he feels about the way the house is kept. Don't interrupt him when he is talking, especially if the first word that you want to say is "But..". Just ask him questions, not to trap him, but to understand how he feels and thinks. Then, when he is finished, tell him how you feel. Do not get emotional. Just talk about the facts. Ask him if he is willing to do more. And offer your own compromise, because this should not be about getting your way. It is about both of you learning to work together as a team. So you might have to loosen your standards a bit, but in the end, the relationship is far more important, isn't it?

 

[Cloture]

I can somewhat relate to your hubby on the other side of this (not about cleaning up the house but about different philosophies on running a house). My husband is a real stickler for getting bills paid and business done as soon as possible. Our rent is due on the 1st, but he will pay it as early as the 15th. Bills don't sit on the counter for more than 24 hours without getting paid. When I have to make an appointment for our cat to see the vet, he will remind me three times before I leave home that morning (remember I said we need it for Friday, remember to tell them it's for his rabies shot, don't forget to ask about his diet, and double check they wrote it down for Friday! That's Friday. You got that? Friday. For his rabies and his diet. Friday. Don't forget.). By then I'm so tired of hearing about it that I don't even want to think about it and then I forget because I'm avoiding it.

Nagging actually increases the likelihood of us forgetting because it becomes your campaign and not ours. We want to achieve that accomplishment on our own terms because then it feels like we pitched in. Otherwise if we did it because you said so, we feel like you might as well have done it yourself.

Yes I know that sounds totally stupid and selfish. I'm confessing about our thought process. Many times in the past when my husband wanted something he just nagged and argued until I got up and did it. Then he would know I was angry but he didn't care because in his mind me being angry was just the price to pay for that thing to be done. Stuff like that can really damage a relationship.

I would encourage you to keep it a positive thing by complimenting the effort he makes (for starters). If he halfway picks up his laundry, thank him for at least doing half. If he does some small thing without being nagged, notice it and thank him. The relationship doesn't need to be that you're a supervisor and he's a worker bee following orders. You need to make him feel like it's an actual partnership.

Secondly, understand that he will probably never see housework the same way as you. If he grew up in a lived-in home and that's the way he likes it, your attempts to convert him to your way of thinking can only go so far.

Thirdly, and this may sound silly, but as for the unpacking, tell him you need/want his input on decorating. Tell him he needs to know where stuff is in storage. It could be that he doesn't see this new apartment as a home and therefore doesn't care if you unpack or decorate or not. It wouldn't hurt to ask him.

 

[Cloture]

The chore list for both of you is a good idea; your jobs and his jobs.

I can't speak for every spouse in every marriage, but personally, if my husband approached me with a chore list, I would be very hurt.

 

[Darkhorse]

Maybe they can assemble it together?

I like clearly knowing what my wife expects from me.

It's a list of reminders, not demands.

 

[Cloture]

Maybe they can assemble it together?

I like clearly knowing what my wife expects from me.

Every marriage functions its own way. What works for one may or may not work for another. All we can do is tell Angeldove our feelings and then let her decide which way to go.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

God calls all of us to work. We all work in different ways and are gifted at different things. I am finding I'm sort-of a binge worker. I might be completely busy 12 hours 2 days in a row, then the next couple of days I will only want to do minimal chores as I am tired and need to catch up. Others might prefer to work more steadily.

One couple I know split chores according to what each hated and loved to do; they each had those set responsibilities.

I don't mind washing dishes and keeping the kitchen clean, but I hate doing floors. I am tidy and don't mind laundry, but I hate cleaning the bathroom. Seems to me some sort of consensus has to be made so all people can live in comfort. That is just another part of compromise for a relationship. If one is not pulling their weight and doing the agreed upon chores, then a deeper issue of disrespect or something else might be at play.

 

[Angeldove97]

The chore list for both of you is a good idea; your jobs and his jobs.

I don't think I like the "his and hers" since I'm more about we both live in this place together - we both need to be able to do things.

Since we just moved, there's random chores that need to be done - such as unpacking the bathroom supplies tote that has been sitting under the bathroom sink for 2 weeks now -or- sorting the holiday decorations and organizing them into the empty bins (instead of the bags we have them in).

We can even paint in this new apartment and we started on his "man cave" room (it was going to be my office too but I decided to just move my office into our bedroom so he has his own space and I can have a quiet work area) - he hasn't touched it for about 2 weeks, so I decided to just paint on my own for now since it needs to get done.

Have the two of you ever talked about "being part of a family" and everyone "pulling their weight"?

Yes - many times. It's not a priority to him tbh. Right now I'm doing "battle" with him about his cell phone - we just got smartphones back in April and now it's attached to his face (and he loves playing words with friends, but I'm starting to feel ignored).

How about doing housework together in the nude? It's fun!

LOL I don't know how much housework would get done then ~ I've tried that while painting though since the room gets too hot and I have a habit of getting paint every where.

 

[Angeldove97]

It's good that you understand the difference in your upbringing. You married him knowing this about him, right?

Yes - and he did more around the house when he first moved in.

What I see happening from what you've said is the trap many couples fall into. The trap is the who-does-more competition. Each person thinks they are doing either enough or more than the other, and then the conflict deepens.

It's really not about who does more - I don't expect him to do more than me, I just want him to do a bit more than what he is currently doing. For the last 2 times we have moved, it has been during the summer - I'm off from my job, so the packing and unpacking falls on my shoulders. I get that and I do what needs to get done, but when my husband is at home and is just sitting on the couch not helping at all, it gets frustrating. Both times I have also had to clean out our old apartments by myself - zero help from my husband until I ask him if he can please help me. I wish he would be more aware of what is going on so that I don't have to ask. (He's such a helpful person to our friends and family - if someone is in need, he will jump right in. He just seems a bit more oblivious when it comes to helping me for some reason)

The phrase you used, "how can I get my husband to help around the house more without having to ask him repeatedly to help?" is one that shows that you want to manipulate him into doing what you want.

It is not manipulation at all. How is having him help clean up our house manipulating him? If I don't ask him to clean something, he probably will just sit on the couch or dink on his phone or my laptop.

That box of laundry I asked him about a week ago to take care of ... still not taken care of. So today I'm going to go through it myself, decide what still fits him and what doesn't, and either wash the stuff or put it away for him.

That's where I am right now with chores around the house. I'm not against cleaning - I'm just against having to repeat myself 100 times or for him to get upset with me when I "nag" him about doing something.

The solution is to cooperate, not compete. That means that you sit down with your husband and ask him how he feels about the way the house is kept. Don't interrupt him when he is talking, especially if the first word that you want to say is "But..". Just ask him questions, not to trap him, but to understand how he feels and thinks. Then, when he is finished, tell him how you feel. Do not get emotional. Just talk about the facts. Ask him if he is willing to do more. And offer your own compromise, because this should not be about getting your way. It is about both of you learning to work together as a team. So you might have to loosen your standards a bit, but in the end, the relationship is far more important, isn't it?

Been there and have done that a hundred times already I'm not about getting my way - I totally get our relationship is about compromise - I have relaxed my standards, but I still need him to help out more (I recently pulled out my back twice with all the work that needs to be done and it's better, but it still gets sore pretty easily). We are past that stage of starting to work on this problem - I need advice about what to do next. We are past the "let's talk about this" - I'm not saying we're done with communicating, but I've done all of that and have been very honest with him and myself about the situation.

 

[Angeldove97]

I can somewhat relate to your hubby on the other side of this (not about cleaning up the house but about different philosophies on running a house). My husband is a real stickler for getting bills paid and business done as soon as possible. ... By then I'm so tired of hearing about it that I don't even want to think about it and then I forget because I'm avoiding it.

I handle the bill paying in our family too We have some debt issues, so I once let hubby try for 2 months and it was a wreck. He gave that job back to me as quickly as possible, which is fine with me - I prefer to know what is what and can plan out when to pay things better.

Nagging actually increases the likelihood of us forgetting because it becomes your campaign and not ours. We want to achieve that accomplishment on our own terms because then it feels like we pitched in. Otherwise if we did it because you said so, we feel like you might as well have done it yourself.

The thing is is that I don't feel like I'm nagging him - after I ask him to do something (and I honestly ask maybe once or twice a day at most - quickly like "hey can you do this chore today?" and that's it) I drop it. After a few days, if it doesn't get done, I add it to my list of things I have to do and I stop asking. I try to also check him with him about what he needs me to do - last night I asked him if he needed his laundry done and he said "sure".

I have had more success when I start doing a chore and he's bumming around. I'll start washing the dishes and he will wander in to help. I started bringing his clothes to him to ask him if it needed to be washed or hung up, he got the idea that he should come in and help. Mind you: I'm not doing this with the intention of him helping me to be honest - I can wash the dishes and do laundry by myself, but I do notice that he will jump in if I'm doing something.

I would encourage you to keep it a positive thing by complimenting the effort he makes (for starters).

Yes, I do this when ever he helps out. I have to be careful though because he thinks I'm being sarcastic if I say something like "thanks for picking up half of your stuff".

The relationship doesn't need to be that you're a supervisor and he's a worker bee following orders. You need to make him feel like it's an actual partnership.

That's the thing though: very frequently I'll ask him to help clean - I'll say "Hey Hun, can you clean something up around here." while I'm cleaning. He will very frequently ask me: "What should I do?" It drives me bonkers tbh - look around and decide on what you should do, you're 30 years old, you don't need me to tell you how to clean up a place!?!

But I see that in his parents: his mom is very take charge and is the planner/supervisor, his dad is very much the worker bee and it works for their marriage. I think hubby often thinks he's meant to be the worker bee. So this doesn't necessarily hurt our relationship when we clean up like this - although I do try to limit how much I give hubby based on the amount of effort the task needs and how much I've asked him to already do. (But then again, whatever he doesn't do, I have to do so it's a balance)

Secondly, understand that he will probably never see housework the same way as you. If he grew up in a lived-in home and that's the way he likes it, your attempts to convert him to your way of thinking can only go so far.

I've lowered my standards after living with him for 5 years But it still frustrating to me. I should not have to continuously lower my standards of what is okay either. I'm not asking for extremes here - more like throw out the garbage or recycling when it gets full, wash dishes, pick up your laundry and put it into hampers, wipe down a counter type of stuff is what I'm thinking. We have 3 cats, so I really do need to vacuum the house at least once a week - he won't touch the vacuum unless I specifically ask him to do that task, even though he can see the furballs all over the place.

Thirdly, and this may sound silly, but as for the unpacking, tell him you need/want his input on decorating. Tell him he needs to know where stuff is in storage. It could be that he doesn't see this new apartment as a home and therefore doesn't care if you unpack or decorate or not. It wouldn't hurt to ask him.

Been doing all of this too He picked out the colors for his man cave and he painted half a wall - now it's up to me to finish it I guess since I don't want the paint sitting around. I've asked him to choose most of the colors for the rooms and have gone along with them (even though some of them I'm not really crazy about - he wanted puke green for our living room - I just smile and nod. Not looking forward to getting that paint color.) He shared that he always like a nautical theme, so I'm trying to do something like that in our bathroom. But he will give me ideas - and that's it: it won't go any further unless I keep us going towards that goal. I'm just tired - I don't want to be the one that keeps us dragging towards our goals.

 

[Angeldove97]

And I just wanted to say - while this really gets to me about our relationship, please don't think I have it out for my husband. I love him dearly and he does what he can to put a smile on my face and show me he loves me. Yesterday I was having really bad cramps (sorry guys) and he had no issues with stopping by a store on his way home (he got out of work at 8pm) to pick me up a box of my favorite tampons (once again - sorry guys - but that is incredibly sweet to me that my hubby knows exactly which ones to get me too and doesn't mind one bit), a coffee creamer that I've been dying to get, and a dessert treat. I have issues with falling asleep, so he will read to me (right now we are reading the second book of Lord of the Rings) until I'm zonked out. And he's been happy to massage my back and rub icy hot on it each time that I have pulled it over the last few weeks. He really does love and cherish me and we have a strong marriage. So while I would like to see him do a bit more around the house, please don't think that he's trying to be disrespectful towards me or abusive in any way. That's not it - that's totally NOT him or our marriage.

 

[tall73]

If you just moved the reality is that you can't put everything back in one day. If you are more of a neat person, then that will be a temptation.

Just do the lesson plan work you had planned to and when he gets home from work indicate that you can both put away some things. If any guests come over they will realize you just moved. They will not expect a perfect house. While it may bother you as the neat one to look at things that need to be put away, it will get done, just a bit slower.

There is usually some burn out after the nerve-racking process of a sudden move (had one not too long back).

Let it run its course. He may get in a mood to put stuff away at some point and start pitching in too. But in the meantime you don't have to feel like you have to do all of it by yourself when you should be doing your lesson plans.

 

[WolfGate]

I can relate AngelDove97, I really can. We are much the same as you and your husband, except my wife is the one who is more like your husband and I am more like you.

Here is a reality - you will be much happier when you accept that you are never going to change your husband's natural inclination towards less getting done. It won't happen because that is how he is made. At some point your relationship needs to hit an equilibrium that will be less than what you really want but does have him contributing more than he would on his own. I'm guessing if you asked him he would think he is doing that now to please you. I know you don't want a "his" and "hers" list, that's OK, but if there are things your husband is more inclined to do then you would be best to let him always do those so you can focus energy on the other things most important to you. The relationship may need to just settle into different tasks that each of you do naturally. And some tasks won't get done enough for your natural inclinations either - but they are probably getting done more than his.

Again, you won't change this in him. Sounds like you love him and he is a great husband overall. That is good. DW and I have been married 26 years, and despite the fact I can still let myself get frustrated at times, I know this is how she is and I am happy we are married despite that.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

we move every 2-3 years. I'm very good at the sorting, tossing, donating and packing. I'm HORRIBLE at the unpacking at the new house, figuring out where things go, stuff like that. My husband is MUCH better at that part of moving. So...when we move, I do the first part and he does the second part. I can have a house packed up and ready to go in a week or 2. He can unpack and have most of the house ready to live in in one day, including pictures on the walls and curtains up. It amazes me how he can do that.

 

[Angeldove97]

Well... we're working on stuff. I'm giving him a few tasks every day if I know he will be home in the morning for a few hours before he has to head off to work. Yesterday, he cleaned out the ferrets' cage and washed/dried/put away half of the dishes in the kitchen sink. He's getting better with the laundry system I'm trying to stick to - putting dirty laundry in the correct hampers and hanging up clothes that are still okay to wear (he doesn't like that hanging up part - he's at least putting his clothes on his side of the closet). When he came home, I asked him to put some old clothes and newspapers in a garbage bag to help me out a bit.

I let him know that if he puts down tape on the 2 remaining walls of his man cave room tomorrow (Saturday), that I would paint those 2 remaining walls. But I could really use some help with the laundry at this point - didn't have a chance to get everything washed and organized prior to moving and I have to haul the stuff to the laundry room, which is a bit of a way. He's not working until 1pm, so we should have the morning to work together.

I still get that all of this is a compromise, but it seems that most people are telling me to just put up with him not helping out and to not be so "strict" with wanting a clean place. I still think there needs to be some balance and I still wish my husband would "open his eyes" to what is going around our house - I'm tired of thinking of how to fix everything or where to put everything.

What gets me is that because I'm the one that fixes stuff or organizes stuff, if something goes missing, hubby isn't happy with me. The other day hubby made dinner and dessert - he asked me before he started if we had certain ingredients, I said no so we went out to buy the stuff he needed. While make the dessert, he realizes that I threw out during the move a few more ingredients and he scolded me and told me not to throw out his cooking ingredients. I told him that he could have helped me pack those things - I didn't pitch anything that I knew he specifically said he wanted to keep. He did not see my point at all, so it's frustrating.

 

[Shane R]

Do yourselves a favor and get The 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. My wife and I were given a copy by our counselor and it is blowing us away. You will gain a better understanding of each others needs and expectations if you are open to reading and talking about the book together.

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

For years now we've agreed on how we split up the chores. But that's not how it started out. To get to this point required some accountability (tough love) as far as the chores were concerned and some other things as well. There has been some fairly radical improvements in both of us over time and I'm glad for every single change that was made, including those where I was the one that needed to change.

It's pretty much like having an accountability partner only better, because you're both there to see the flubs for yourself. You both agree on an area you each need to change (so neither one feels singled out or the bad guy or that it's unfair) and go for it. It's not always pleasant but in our case it worked, probably because we both went through it together.

 

[Darkhorse]

What gets me is that because I'm the one that fixes stuff or organizes stuff, if something goes missing, hubby isn't happy with me. The other day hubby made dinner and dessert - he asked me before he started if we had certain ingredients, I said no so we went out to buy the stuff he needed. While make the dessert, he realizes that I threw out during the move a few more ingredients and he scolded me and told me not to throw out his cooking ingredients. I told him that he could have helped me pack those things - I didn't pitch anything that I knew he specifically said he wanted to keep. He did not see my point at all, so it's frustrating.

Tell him "If you don't help, don't complain"

Kind of like "If you don't vote, don't complain"

(not that it will help...)

 

[Angeldove97]

Do yourselves a favor and get The 5 Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. My wife and I were given a copy by our counselor and it is blowing us away. You will gain a better understanding of each others needs and expectations if you are open to reading and talking about the book together.

We've done this already - earlier in our relationship. He didn't really buy into it - books studies like that really aren't his thing. We both discussed which one we are and we're aware of it still. Physical touch is mine, but he's very much acts of kindness - he just does acts like cook meals or plan fun things to do.