Suffering Marriage

[KelNea]

Hi. I am new to this forum but just need some Christian advice from someone unbiased. My husband and I met in 2016, married in 2018. I have a child from a previous relationship, who adores my husband. I am newer to my faith, and still have a lot to learn. Lately I have been questioning my marriage based on what is going on.
My husband is an overweight man with a lot of confidence issues. He comes from a long line of narcissism and selfishness, and has never been brought up to make his faith a priority. I did not realize these things when we got engaged. It seems almost like a front was put on by the whole family until they knew I was in "hook line and sinker." There is so much codependency and toxicity in the relationships with his family. We are forced to accommodate and take care of his siblings and mother, who refuse to work and take care of themselves. He is to provide them job opportunities at his company although they repeatedly no show and back out. And he is at their beckon call 24/7. To the point that it takes away from his responsibilities in our own home. If he refuses to do something for them, there is always a huge fight and words that should NEVER be spoken. It just eats at his confidence further and causes so much building resentment in our own marriage. He is showing the same toxic traits that his family shows. Nothing is ever his fault, he changes his stories to accommodate whatever he wants, and he often makes me question my sanity by pretending he didn't say/do things that I know he did. He really almost acts as if he believes he did not. When I refuse to back down and pretend like something didn't happen, he explodes and tells me he must be such a terrible person and that he can never please me. I seriously feel like I am loosing so much of myself by being in this marriage. He is teaching my son inappropriate behaviors, and when I try to correct it I get told that I am no fun, that I need to loosen up, etc. I also struggle with the fact of being the only one in the house that has to manage housework, chores, etc. We both work full time jobs, so I don't feel that the home life should fall solely on me. He claims he never gets to spend time with me, but its because after working 7:30-4 I come home and cook and clean until bedtime. He watches TV.
When I came into this relationship, I wasn't a practicing Christian. I was baptized in 2020, and I have been working hard to develop my faith ever since. I am currently working at our church, I volunteer on Sundays and we attend church regularly. I am not perfect by any means, and I realize that I also am at fault for a lot of our problems. I let my mind wander thinking what life could be like if I had chosen something different for my son and I. I know that divorce is not an option, but I feel that I am undergoing some form of mental abuse here. I don't mean to play the poor me card...I just feel like I can't take another day of this! I spend as much time as possible away from home here recently. I pray for the day that he starts travelling over the road for work again. I just can't stand to be around him right now. Something is always wrong. He is always looking for a reason to be unhappy. It seems that the only time he is happy is when we are physically active, which is not very often. The physical issues are my issues, for reasons that I will not discuss here.
I know that this is not healthy for any of us, but my biggest concern right now is my son. I have already put him through enough by leaving his father. I do not want to do that to him again, however I want better for him than what I had growing up! I don't want him to be encouraged to participate in inappropriate behavior. I don't want him to be surrounded by adult things that should have no place in his little mind right now! I don't want him to be forced to grow up too soon like I was. I want better. I have him enrolled in a Christian school and I do my best to teach him the Way, but I feel like its 5 steps forward and 2 steps back any time he spends a significant amount of time with his step father. I need good advice. I need help! I have prayed and prayed, cried like a fool, and read the Bible til I fall asleep. I know that divorce is not an option in our circumstances, so WHAT do I do? I cannot live my whole life like this...

 

[tturt]

Really sorry with what you are dealing with.

Encourage everyone to watch "Marriage Today" on Daystar. (Sundays).

Plus their website marriagetoday.com/category/tv-episodes/ has probably 60 free episodes including "What a man really needs" and 'What a woman really needs" by Jimmy Evan's ministries. All teachings are Biblically based. Plus there's books, videos, etc. He was recently interviewed on Joni: Table Table for 4 sessions about his book "The Four Laws of Love." Think those can still be viewed.

There's hundreds on youtube.

Praying for you, your husband, and your son.

 

[KelNea]

Thank you for the prayers and the resources. I appreciate them both so much.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Hi. I am new to this forum but just need some Christian advice from someone unbiased. My husband and I met in 2016, married in 2018. I have a child from a previous relationship, who adores my husband. I am newer to my faith, and still have a lot to learn. Lately I have been questioning my marriage based on what is going on.
My husband is an overweight man with a lot of confidence issues. He comes from a long line of narcissism and selfishness, and has never been brought up to make his faith a priority. I did not realize these things when we got engaged. It seems almost like a front was put on by the whole family until they knew I was in "hook line and sinker." There is so much codependency and toxicity in the relationships with his family. We are forced to accommodate and take care of his siblings and mother, who refuse to work and take care of themselves. He is to provide them job opportunities at his company although they repeatedly no show and back out. And he is at their beckon call 24/7. To the point that it takes away from his responsibilities in our own home. If he refuses to do something for them, there is always a huge fight and words that should NEVER be spoken. It just eats at his confidence further and causes so much building resentment in our own marriage. He is showing the same toxic traits that his family shows. Nothing is ever his fault, he changes his stories to accommodate whatever he wants, and he often makes me question my sanity by pretending he didn't say/do things that I know he did. He really almost acts as if he believes he did not. When I refuse to back down and pretend like something didn't happen, he explodes and tells me he must be such a terrible person and that he can never please me. I seriously feel like I am loosing so much of myself by being in this marriage. He is teaching my son inappropriate behaviors, and when I try to correct it I get told that I am no fun, that I need to loosen up, etc. I also struggle with the fact of being the only one in the house that has to manage housework, chores, etc. We both work full time jobs, so I don't feel that the home life should fall solely on me. He claims he never gets to spend time with me, but its because after working 7:30-4 I come home and cook and clean until bedtime. He watches TV.
When I came into this relationship, I wasn't a practicing Christian. I was baptized in 2020, and I have been working hard to develop my faith ever since. I am currently working at our church, I volunteer on Sundays and we attend church regularly. I am not perfect by any means, and I realize that I also am at fault for a lot of our problems. I let my mind wander thinking what life could be like if I had chosen something different for my son and I. I know that divorce is not an option, but I feel that I am undergoing some form of mental abuse here. I don't mean to play the poor me card...I just feel like I can't take another day of this! I spend as much time as possible away from home here recently. I pray for the day that he starts travelling over the road for work again. I just can't stand to be around him right now. Something is always wrong. He is always looking for a reason to be unhappy. It seems that the only time he is happy is when we are physically active, which is not very often. The physical issues are my issues, for reasons that I will not discuss here.
I know that this is not healthy for any of us, but my biggest concern right now is my son. I have already put him through enough by leaving his father. I do not want to do that to him again, however I want better for him than what I had growing up! I don't want him to be encouraged to participate in inappropriate behavior. I don't want him to be surrounded by adult things that should have no place in his little mind right now! I don't want him to be forced to grow up too soon like I was. I want better. I have him enrolled in a Christian school and I do my best to teach him the Way, but I feel like its 5 steps forward and 2 steps back any time he spends a significant amount of time with his step father. I need good advice. I need help! I have prayed and prayed, cried like a fool, and read the Bible til I fall asleep. I know that divorce is not an option in our circumstances, so WHAT do I do? I cannot live my whole life like this...

Just a heads up, men doing any housework or childcare is a fairly new phenomenon. My generation worked full time and did all the indoor chores; (men did fix things and do lawn care) women did the cooking, cleaning, doctors appt.'s ect.

As far as your marriage, marriage counseling might work out for you.... but you do need to stop seeing his family as "his family", they are yours too now.

But, I raised my kids, worked full time, did all the cooking and cleaning, was on the PTA as well as the school board. It can be done, but they called us "super mom's" back then... lol.. but to me? It's just called being an adult.

 

[Michie]

Sounds like healthy boundaries need to be set with the in-laws you, and your husband. I think seeking professional help would be your best option. Prayers for all of you in the meantime.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Just a heads up, men doing any housework or childcare is a fairly new phenomenon. My generation worked full time and did all the indoor chores; (men did fix things and do lawn care) women did the cooking, cleaning, doctors appt.'s ect.

I don't know when "your day" was but in the 60's and 70's my dad did 90% of the kid chauffeuring, cooked and cleaned when necessary, did laundry, took care of his own uniforms (my dad was AD USAF), took us to doctor's/dentist appointments, knew our sports/activity schedules better than my mom did. There were 5 of us kids, I have 4 brothers. For reference, I'm the "baby" and graduated from high school in 1981. There's about 10 years between my oldest brother and me.
When dad had to go TDY, he would leave mom a written schedule. When dad was overseas, my grandpa had to step in. My mom was a lousy cook and if dad didn't cook or us kids cooked, we'd starve. Mom was great at a lot of things but kids/home/housework were not on that list. She had a fairly good white collar job, was a whiz at finances, could smell a good deal from 5 miles out, played piano, was active in church, but she was a disaster at being a mom. Probably why I never had kids...I'm just like her...the only thing domestic about me is I live in a house.

 

[Hazelelponi]

I don't know when "your day" was but in the 60's and 70's my dad did 90% of the kid chauffeuring, cooked and cleaned when necessary, did laundry, took care of his own uniforms (my dad was AD USAF), took us to doctor's/dentist appointments, knew our sports/activity schedules better than my mom did. There were 5 of us kids, I have 4 brothers. For reference, I'm the "baby" and graduated from high school in 1981. There's about 10 years between my oldest brother and me.
When dad had to go TDY, he would leave mom a written schedule. When dad was overseas, my grandpa had to step in. My mom was a lousy cook and if dad didn't cook or us kids cooked, we'd starve. Mom was great at a lot of things but kids/home/housework were not on that list. She had a fairly good white collar job, was a whiz at finances, could smell a good deal from 5 miles out, played piano, was active in church, but she was a disaster at being a mom. Probably why I never had kids...I'm just like her...the only thing domestic about me is I live in a house.

My home life was far different growing up, although I'm a few years younger than you. My mom was a stay at home mom and did all the cooking, cleaning, housework, kids stuff, and my dad went to work.

Many in our age group, yours and mine, had somewhat similar upbringing to mine, so when we entered the workforce the male/female roles at home didn't change even though we also had careers...

But to be honest with dishwashers, vacuum cleaners, washing machines and more it doesn't take much time to keep a house clean so long as everyone in the household picks up after themselves (puts their dirty laundry in the basket, dirty dishes in the sink, picks up their toys etc.), and throwing together a dinner can be done in 45 minutes or less... and just like when I grew up, my kids had their own set of chores they did, and it made for a far smoother running household.

Certainly there are exceptions, but I don't think it's the norm for our age group.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I had a maid service for years. Now that I'm alone, I make attempts to clean house. But, with a yard that's currently mostly dirt (going to be landscaped this spring), a house full of critters, and although I'm technically "retired", I still teach part time and do consulting work, housework falls to the very bottom of the list. If it's not Grubhub or microwaveable, I don't eat.

Like I said, there was a reason I never had kids. I was/am the fun aunt/great aunt who spoils 'em rotten, buys them the stuff that their parents won't and when this pandemic thing is over, will take them on the fun vacations again. But I lack the ability to be a "mother".

 

[Hazelelponi]

I had a maid service for years. Now that I'm alone, I make attempts to clean house. But, with a yard that's currently mostly dirt (going to be landscaped this spring), a house full of critters, and although I'm technically "retired", I still teach part time and do consulting work, housework falls to the very bottom of the list. If it's not Grubhub or microwaveable, I don't eat.

Like I said, there was a reason I never had kids. I was/am the fun aunt/great aunt who spoils 'em rotten, buys them the stuff that their parents won't and when this pandemic thing is over, will take them on the fun vacations again. But I lack the ability to be a "mother".

In the end, we play to our strengths. That we use our gifts well whatever they may be is what's important...

 

[Daniel Marsh]

What would you say is a biblical definition of marriage?

Ephesians 5:27-33
Easy-to-Read Version
27 Christ died so that he could give the church to himself like a bride in all her beauty. He died so that the church could be holy and without fault, with no evil or sin or any other thing wrong in it.

28 And husbands should love their wives like that. They should love their wives as they love their own bodies. The man who loves his wife loves himself, 29 because no one ever hates his own body, but feeds and takes care of it. And that is what Christ does for the church 30 because we are parts of his body. 31 The Scriptures say, “That is why a man will leave his father and mother and join his wife, and the two people will become one.” 32 That secret truth is very important—I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 But each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself. And a wife must respect her husband.

My suggestion is a separation at a woman's shelter or with your parents if they understand fully. Meet with the women's shelter first to discuss options. One of the conditions of getting back together is to move to another state away from his family.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Many in our age group, yours and mine, had somewhat similar upbringing to mine, so when we entered the workforce the male/female roles at home didn't change even though we also had careers...

That's a generality you can't defend. If you take a good look at history, women worked whether in the home or out of it from time immemorial. The only ones who could afford to stay home were the upper classes. The phenomenon of the "stay at home wife" only became widespread after WW2, when even blue collar jobs paid enough to support a family. Women were in the factories through WW2, as the men were at war. Among my friends, there were moms who were AD USAF, nurses, doctors, dentists, secretaries, engineers, computer programmers, waitresses, you name it. I think there were maybe 2 or 3 stay at home moms back then.

If "most" wives stayed at home, who was teaching the kids? Who was filling the nursing slots in the doctors' offices and hospitals? Who were the secretaries? Who were the seamstresses, waitresses, retail clerks? Were they all men?

 

[KATinOTT]

I am glad you reached out. I can appreciate how hard this can be on you as a wife, mother and a new Christian. Not sure if your husband attends church with you, but if so I would highly encourage that he gets some Christian counselling/mentoring. However, from what you have described it sounds as though there is a question of salvation. I think you recognize the need for clear boundaries with your husband's family - the current situation is not healthy or sustainable. It is also important that you address some of things you have walked through over the years that led to where you are today. Please reach out to seek a counsellor/spiritual mentor to help you walk through your situation. In terms of resources, here is a contact for a free counselling session -855-382-5433. This is a great resource on navigating in law relations. Praise God that He made himself known to you! How much harder would it be without the Lord? I encourage you to keep abiding in the Lord and relying on His strength to help you and your family grow in the love and knowledge of Christ. Blessings

 

[fbow]

KelNea, what you describe are classic symptoms of narcissism and gaslighting. It's a mental illness, I live with a spouse who gaslights just like you mention (she'll deny things she just said or things she just did and call me crazy for hallucinating).

For me, having good trusted friends to talk to and getting professional Christian counseling (as well as speaking to our pastor) did help for a time being. When things got better, we paused the counseling but we are in a position of needing it again, so don't expect therapy to be a 1 time permanent solution either. Praying for you.