Struggling with life and faith (abuse trigger warning)

[Neagley]

Hi,
I am currently struggling in life and have lost my faith. I am angry with God as I feel utterly abandoned by him.

I can't understand why he has allowed me to have to deal with the amount of have.

I was abused as a child, raped when I was 20 by a Christian man , physically, sexually and emotionally abused by my husband for 16 years.

I got divorced 4 years ago and now am a single mum, I work over fill time hours to support my children , I am financially struggling , in debt. To secure our future I am studying to secure a promotion which has exceeded my work load.

I have mental health problem, I had 2 nervous breakdowns in the last 4 years, where I received intensive mental health support.

I'm lonely, completely alone and have limited family support.

I used to have a very strong faith, I used to hang on to bible passages that God would not allow more things to happen to me than I could deal with or that he would keep me safe. But he didn't. He watched whilst I was abused.

The church I attended encouraged me to stay with my abusive husband and to be a godly wife to him. Therefore when the domestic violence group got involved in my case and helped me to leave. I became an embarrassment to the church and I had to leave .

I am struggling to understand why my rapist is financially prospering when I am beyond struggling. I have an astronomical amount of problems to sort in my house and Christmas is fast approaching. I am already crying about Christmas as I can't see how I can participate in it.

I used to pray ferverentjy , I praised God despite my circumstances. But I have been met by silence when I really needed the loving arms of my daddy around me.

I have thought about going to another church but it's too painful to attend. I have a few Christian friends on social media and I see pictures of their many holidays and new kitchens and lovely family activities with their husbands and I wonder why did God not want that for me ?
Did I not deserve a loving husband, do I deserves a damp filled house, no holiday, no companionship, no cuddles.

My friends and moan when their husbands go away for the night and they left with all the house stuff. But that is the reality of my life all the time.

I'm sorry for moaning ... thanks for reading xxx

 

[FireHeart]

Never apologize for reaching out for support and encouragement why else are we here? I too have known much abuse and suffering I know what it's like to feel uncared about to be unloved to be utterly misunderstood to be confused and even angry at God.
You were right to leave your abusive husband, do you think God wants us to stay with a person like that? if that man cannot see the beautiful treasure you are and cannot treat you as such then he doesn't deserve you and needs to work on himself before he goes into another relationship.

It's not always clear why good people go through hell while evil people suffer but I am a living example of how God uses the evil done to us for good. you may be low on money you may not have an amazing house you may even be downright poor but you are richer than you know. You have children correct? those treasures alone means your rich not to mention you have God as well even if you have given up on him I can promise you he in no way is giving up on you.

In order to hear his voice we have to go to that still quite place, in the times you were reaching out to him and crying out to him you felt he was not answering and that he abandoned you but this is not the case he was reaching out to you he wanted to help you and still does he spoke to you but you were so focused on the chaos and pain that you couldn't hear him.

Have you ever been able to hear people speaking when there is a violent storm going? have ever noticed how hard it is to hear what someone is saying with the harsh wind raging? you have to be still and focus on him not your storms.

As for Christmas you are worried because of money but maybe this is possibly the best thing that could have happened to you. The real meaning of Christmas was never about presents or money it was always about Jesus and about us it's about bonding as a family and very few people live this out they know it but they don't live it.

How close are you and your children? how close are you and God? and how do you know that this isn't a blessing in disguise? my advice for you is the first advice God spoke to me when I became a Christian-Seek love above all else and everything else will follow. Seek a deep and intimate love with him desire a connection with him and when that connection is made deepen it day by day by seeking him out.

When the hearts of God and his children make that deep and intimate connection a wondrous power is born a spark is made and a fire ignites that will never burn out. If you make this love with him you will be amazed how much peace you will begin to have and the love he will enrich inside you will be seen and affect your children.

And know that you are never alone not only do you have God But I want to be there for you as well never hesitate to reach out even if it's messaging me or posting in this thread or even if it's not me at all but other people here who are willing to be your support.

anyone can be strong on their own but even the strongest warriors have a limit but those who are strong not because of themselves but because the many hands that are holding them encouraging them building them up and upholding them- these are the people who have no limits because even when they fall and lose all strength they have many who instantly are there to help them up again

 

[Daryl Gleason]

Dear sister, please don't apologize. On the contrary, I commend you for having the courage to post here even though your faith and all matters relating to God are painful.

I would echo a lot of what Fireheart has said. I, too, have known intense, long-term pain and suffering and have gone through times where I simply did not understand how God could allow what he has, not just in my own life but in the lives of others as well. In these times, I was also unable to go to church or even read the Bible because the pain was so great.

One thing I was always able to do, though, even during these times, was to take advantage of a few of God's universal promises, James 1:5 being one of my favorites. We so much need the wisdom of God for all situations in life, and it's wonderful to know that it's freely available for the asking anytime and anyplace.

What I came to understand was that when I am suffering, it is simply an indication that God loves me and is working in my heart to discipline and mold me in preparation for what he has planned for me in the future. Hebrews 12:5-11. My participation here is part of that. This doesn't make the pain or loneliness any less, but I found that it does help to put it into perspective.

So please, do not lose heart. Even when we don't understand, we can still trust in him. Proverbs 3:5-6.

Please also know that you are not alone. I will be praying for you and am available should you ever need to talk.

May the peace of our Father and our lord Jesus Christ be with you.

In Christ,
Daryl

 

[FireHeart]

 

[Neagley]

Dear Fire heart and Daryl.

Thank-you so much for your replies and am very greatful for your words , encouragement and for understanding. I am relieved that I am not along and that is a great comfort...

Thank-you for the Bible verses and the analogy about not being able to hear a voice in a storm.


That makes perfect sense.

I desperately sought God when I had a strong faith and I kind of see how God may still be here.
I have cried quite a bit reading your kind words.

My children are amazing and have said they are proud of me.... they have told me that I have shown them that they don't need a man to be independent.

I look at my friends and how they appear unable to function without their husband. But even though I have no choice I have developed a lot of skills and ability that I would not have had otherwise.

I'm ashamed to say I have sought out the company of men as a way to get a cuddle and company and I've been hurt by it. I recently deleted their phone numbers and decided I would work in myself rather than my obsession to meet someone.


Thank-you again...I might be able to say a prayer tonight.. xx thank-you for yours xxxx

 

[KayJoy]

Good morning Neagley,
I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I have experienced trauma all my life. (I am 44.) I was born into multi-generational SRA (satanic ritual abuse) ... I have many life challenges that I live with daily, including health challenges. I have moved several times with my children in effort to keep them/us safe. I am separated from my husband who is not safe for us to live with. I have no local friends ... I don't know anyone here ... I feel like I've been uprooted so many times, I have no "place" in this life. I live in an older doublewide mobile home that I do not own (I rent). Anyone who looks on my life wouldn't think much ... outwardly, I don't have much. We lack adequate household furniture, even.

I'm not trying to complain, but maybe help you see that I can relate. I'm sorry you're struggling, and are going through financial crisis. That's no small issue, especially with kids.

What I try to do is look around and see if there are others I can help in some way. I pray a lot... I cry a lot... and I cling to the one and only true HOPE there is ...Jesus Christ ... He truly loves us ... and when this life is over, we will never suffer lack or heartache again. He truly loves you... I can say that with absolute conviction. I pray that you will feel His love embrace you... undergird you, and lift you into His peace.

I'm praying for you. I also wonder if it would be okay if I share a writing with you called, "Jesus Still Weeps."

The Lord bless and keep you in His peace today,
~KayJoy

 

[FireHeart]

 

[Neagley]

Thank-you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I am very sorry that things are also very difficult for you.
I really appreciate your prayers and I will pray for you to... thank you

I will search for Jesus still weeps.

Sometimes I look at art work of Jesus cuddling women and imagine it's me.... but that makes me cry

Good morning Neagley,
I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I have experienced trauma all my life. (I am 44.) I was born into multi-generational SRA (satanic ritual abuse) ... I have many life challenges that I live with daily, including health challenges. I have moved several times with my children in effort to keep them/us safe. I am separated from my husband who is not safe for us to live with. I have no local friends ... I don't know anyone here ... I feel like I've been uprooted so many times, I have no "place" in this life. I live in an older doublewide mobile home that I do not own (I rent). Anyone who looks on my life wouldn't think much ... outwardly, I don't have much. We lack adequate household furniture, even.

I'm not trying to complain, but maybe help you see that I can relate. I'm sorry you're struggling, and are going through financial crisis. That's no small issue, especially with kids.

What I try to do is look around and see if there are others I can help in some way. I pray a lot... I cry a lot... and I cling to the one and only true HOPE there is ...Jesus Christ ... He truly loves us ... and when this life is over, we will never suffer lack or heartache again. He truly loves you... I can say that with absolute conviction. I pray that you will feel His love embrace you... undergird you, and lift you into His peace.

I'm praying for you. I also wonder if it would be okay if I share a writing with you called, "Jesus Still Weeps."

The Lord bless and keep you in His peace today,
~KayJoy

 

[Neagley]

View attachment 184435

Thank-you xx

 

[FireHeart]

Thank-you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I am very sorry that things are also very difficult for you.
I really appreciate your prayers and I will pray for you to... thank you

I will search for Jesus still weeps.

Sometimes I look at art work of Jesus cuddling women and imagine it's me.... but that makes me cry

My friend when you see pictures of Jesus cuddling with women and you imagine it's you your right to do so because it is you. Whenever I think of Jesus and I this is what I see in my hearts eye

It brings me to tears and fills my heart with such warmth

 

[FireHeart]

Thank-you xx

I made that meme myself for just such an occasion

 

[Neagley]

Thank-you.. I have saved that picture... I'm so very grateful for your reply

 

[KayJoy]

Thank-you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I am very sorry that things are also very difficult for you.
I really appreciate your prayers and I will pray for you to... thank you

I will search for Jesus still weeps.

Sometimes I look at art work of Jesus cuddling women and imagine it's me.... but that makes me cry

You're welcome. I thought I had shared the writing on this forum last year, but I can't find it. I'll share it here.... maybe I'll create another post of it somewhere on the forum as well.

Thank you also for praying for me!

 

[KayJoy]

"Jesus Still Weeps"

by KayJoy on Friday, September 9, 2011 at 11:23am ·


Jesus Christ... HE IS our Great High Priest who is touched with the FEELING of our infirmities!! He took not only mine, and every wounded person's pain/infirmities on the cross... but that of the ENTIRE world (including perpetrators).

I had a child alter (personality) come out in a prayer counseling session almost 5 yrs ago... she carried soooo much pain and trauma!! She asked True Jesus where He was when she was being hurt(?) ...He revealed to her that He was right there the entire time and she didn't experience ANY of those things alone.

It pained her heart... she felt such a sadness and grief, and she questioned the LORD... "But why, then?!"

Just then, He picked her up, held her and sat her in His lap ....she was close enough to look into His face ...and when she looked into His face, she saw that His face was completely covered, with TEARS!! There was not one place on His face that was not wet with the tears!!

It was then that she realized that ...she was NEVER alone ...HE FELT IT ALL!!! HE took the pain, and made it His very own!!! So genuine was His pain, that she took her hands and tried to wipe away His tears ...but they would not diminish!!!

JESUS STILL WEEPS ...for us!!! For those who hurt us!!! THEY were hurt too!!! But just think ... our LORD took the pain ...the feeling of the infirmities ...of ALL of humanity throughout the ages!!! THAT was part of the cup of His sufferings that He took when He gave His life for us!!! JESUS still weeps ...there are - even now - tears in Heaven!!


There will come a day when He will wipe away ALL TEARS ...but until then, JESUS STILL WEEPS FOR YOU & FOR ME & FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD!! He went the farthest mile ...to love those most would consider "unlovable." ♥

______________________________

[Note: I am a survivor or SRA (satanic ritual abuse) and MK (government trauma-based mind control) which resulted in what is called DID (dissociative identity disorder, formerly called MPD/multiple personality disorder.]

 

[look4hope]

A little late here but wow...all such great responses for you, hun.
Like many have expressed...never apologize for this. You have and are going through so much, I want to give you tight hug.

Getting out of a destructive and abusive relationship is the best move one can make. It is unfortunate that you had to leave your church for it. It breaks my heart to see that we often feel judged at a place that we least expect it. But anyway, you did what you had to and I am offering prayers to you that God shines his light and blesses you with all that you deserve.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

Wow that is alot. I can see why youre mad at God...and honestly, its okay ..because being raped and abused iw alot to go through and its not right. Dont surpress your emotions, you can tell God that youre mad and disappointed at him , hr wont be mad he understands...

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

I honestly dont know why your abuser is prospering instead of you, its not right... I have no answer for all those things.. I just hope you're. Currently doing okay.