I'm here because I don't know where else to go. Where do you go when you feel your marriage isn't working? I'm not even sure where to start. I've just slowly and painfully come to the realisation that many of the reasons i married my husband were based on false assumptions about him. He's not into inappropriate content, he hasn't cheated, but he's closed himself off. I thought would be together, you know, praying for each other and our children, serving in the church, but the only time he shows any passion is when sport is involved. We recently had oour thi third child and its just opened up all the cracks thati knew were there but kept hoping would repair over time. We have talked and talked over the years but he remains this repressed, unwilling person. Sex was always an issue but in the ten months since our daughter was born we have been together maybe five times, and during the pregnancy sex was infrequent as well. Just feeling so discouraged and need a place I can open up.
Struggling 11 years in
- Thread starter Prisca982
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Thank you BookishGirl.
We ended up talking really late last night. The problem is we do this every now and then but the problems persist.
Perhaps men can help me understand my husband better ... We have had a rough ride in many respects with illness, financial trouble etc but from my perspective the main problem is his unwillingness to lead and his struggle to take on and handle responsibility. He admits that he was surprised when we first married by how hard it was for him to adjust to how his behaviour affected me. It's hard to put it into words because i don't really understand it myself ... I've found it hard to adjust to the responsibility of raising children but at the end of the day you just get on with it. He doesn't seem able to do that so all the initiative in family worship, reading and prayer has come from me over the years. He says he prays earnestly to be a Godly father and husband but he never shows it. His father always struggled with showing emotion, and although my husband is better than his dad at that increasingly I feel him shutting himself off. He is poor at showing what he feels for me and seemed surprised last night when I said he makes me feel as though he regrets marrying me and having our children.
We are struggling and it is affecting our children (who are hard to handle but us losing our tempers isn't helping) ...
It feels as though everything is hard right now. Dh has said a few times that he feels he is heading for a breakdown but he won't get help. Over the years I have asked him again and again to meet with another man for prayer but he has never done anything about it, and he won't open up to me unless we havea massive discussion like last night.
Feel despairing that things will ever improve, and worry about our children :-( Don't know how to help a man who refuses to be helped.
We ended up talking really late last night. The problem is we do this every now and then but the problems persist.
Perhaps men can help me understand my husband better ... We have had a rough ride in many respects with illness, financial trouble etc but from my perspective the main problem is his unwillingness to lead and his struggle to take on and handle responsibility. He admits that he was surprised when we first married by how hard it was for him to adjust to how his behaviour affected me. It's hard to put it into words because i don't really understand it myself ... I've found it hard to adjust to the responsibility of raising children but at the end of the day you just get on with it. He doesn't seem able to do that so all the initiative in family worship, reading and prayer has come from me over the years. He says he prays earnestly to be a Godly father and husband but he never shows it. His father always struggled with showing emotion, and although my husband is better than his dad at that increasingly I feel him shutting himself off. He is poor at showing what he feels for me and seemed surprised last night when I said he makes me feel as though he regrets marrying me and having our children.
We are struggling and it is affecting our children (who are hard to handle but us losing our tempers isn't helping) ...
It feels as though everything is hard right now. Dh has said a few times that he feels he is heading for a breakdown but he won't get help. Over the years I have asked him again and again to meet with another man for prayer but he has never done anything about it, and he won't open up to me unless we havea massive discussion like last night.
Feel despairing that things will ever improve, and worry about our children :-( Don't know how to help a man who refuses to be helped.
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Would he consider couples counseling /couples mentoring?
Sometime is it easier to say "We have a problem" rather than him to say " I have a problem"
How would he receive it if the pastor came to your house to visit?
Does he read? Would he consider something like the Five Love Languages or His Needs/Her Needs?
What does he say about the sexual issues?
Sometime is it easier to say "We have a problem" rather than him to say " I have a problem"
How would he receive it if the pastor came to your house to visit?
Does he read? Would he consider something like the Five Love Languages or His Needs/Her Needs?
What does he say about the sexual issues?
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Ana the Ist
Aggressively serene!
You said that the main problems you see in him are his "unwillingness to lead" and "struggle to take on and handle responsibility".
Can you give some examples of what you mean by this? Things that he doesn't do...or things that you'd like to see him do...or both might be useful in understanding what exactly the problem is.
As a guy...I can tell you there's little that's more frustrating than when my wife wants something of me but won't clearly express what it is she wants. I know she wants me to figure this out all on my own...but men aren't mind readers, we aren't even good at reading clear signals.
It's taken my wife awhile, but now she realizes that all she has to do is clearly state whatever it is she needs from me and I do my best to do it. Sometimes clear and open communication can be the most difficult part of a problem.
Also, was he a responsible leader type before you married? Did he change after marriage? You made a comparison between marrying and having children...in that you changed once you had children and became what you believe a mother is. Did you expect some similar change to happen in him when he married you? As if he was going to change from a less responsible, more of a follower, boyfriend type of guy....into this idea of a responsible leader husband and father that you had going into this marriage?
If you could answer some of these questions...I think you might see the situation a little bit better yourself.
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There are many marriages where the "rose colored glasses" come off at some point. You must be careful that you havent simply swapped rose colored glasses for rubbish colored glasses. Are you sure you are actually seeing your husband, good and bad, for who he is? If so, at that point you have the hard choice - "can i love this man?"
Is this a new thing? Or has he always been introverted, shy, passive?
Those are the activities of a confident outgoing person. Did your husband used to be like that? If not, then its unrealistic to expect it from him now.
Maybe thats where he feels safe?
If its been years, then perhaps thats simply who he is. Wanting to change him tells him you are unhappy with who he is. That will scare him and lead to him withdrawing into his shell.
This also implies that the behaviors you describe are who he is for better or worse.
The killer of relationships is contempt. You can be angry with your husband. You can be frustrated with him, or disappointed, or annoyed; and still love him. But if you have contempt for who he is, you cannot love him.
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