At the beginning fo my marraige I cheated on my wife, I have since then surrederd the Lordship of my life to Jesus, and for the past 2 years I have walked with God, however my wife is having the most diffucult time forgiving and moving on, lately she has been wanting to go out to clubs with her girlfriends, and has lied about going to clubs and drinking, it has been causing a lot of stress lately and she feels that I should just loosen up and let her go cause it helps her deal (mask) with the pain. I love her very much I just need some advice on want to do.
struggeling
- Thread starter 01nate
- Start date
You might try visiting family.org and troubledwith.com for some advice. You might also get the book "The Five Love Languages". I've been in her spot and know how devestating this can be to a woman. Sounds like she's trying to find an escape from the pain (like you said).
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01nate,
My husband had an affair last year. It is the most difficult thing I've ever been through. One of the things that has helped me cope is talking about the affair. When my husband is available to answer my questions, hold me if I just need to cry, or reassure me, it helps me tremendously. I've heard that many men just want to leave it in the past (not saying you do that) which is the opposite of what needs to be done. Also, you can never say you are sorry too much. Not that you need to be continually punished for what you did, but it helps a woman to know that you are remorseful over the extreme pain she went through and apologizing accomplishes that. Another thing that helps me so much is if my husband prays with me. What I would do Nate if I was you is either ask her in person or write her a note or an email. Express again how sorry you are that your actions hurt her so badly. Tell her that you are willing to do anything to help her through her pain (counseling, talking, etc.) and ask her what she needs from you. Then when she tells you what she needs, do it. Is she pulling away from you because she has no trust from you? That is something I do. I've lost all security of a commitment from my husband. If he doesn't keep up on the talking and reassuring, I shut down. He reminds me every morning that I'm his one and only. He puts my wedding ring on my finger every day and tells me that he's commited to me for that day (I can handle knowing that I'm secure for a day....but not forever so that's why this helps). He constantly asks me how I am. The best response I can get from him when I share how I'm feeling is validation of my feelings. In the past, he would get mad if I was struggling....not that I was having a hard time, but because he was mad at himself for what he did. That didn't help me. I needed him to empathize with me. Affairs strip women of so much.....their security, their feeling of being cherished, their dream of being your princess and living happily forever, their dignity, their feelings about their looks and their appeal sexually......I hope you two have seen a counselor to help you through this. Our counselor told us that if you are working hard at healing, it usually takes two years to work through a lot of this and rebuild trust. But if issues haven't been discussed, it will take a lot longer. Another thing that was crucial for me was wanting to know that it would never happen again....which means that for you, you need to know why it happened in the first place.......needs not being met? sexual addiction? or whatever it may be. Search for that answer and work at repairing what caused the affair.
Hope that helps.
My husband had an affair last year. It is the most difficult thing I've ever been through. One of the things that has helped me cope is talking about the affair. When my husband is available to answer my questions, hold me if I just need to cry, or reassure me, it helps me tremendously. I've heard that many men just want to leave it in the past (not saying you do that) which is the opposite of what needs to be done. Also, you can never say you are sorry too much. Not that you need to be continually punished for what you did, but it helps a woman to know that you are remorseful over the extreme pain she went through and apologizing accomplishes that. Another thing that helps me so much is if my husband prays with me. What I would do Nate if I was you is either ask her in person or write her a note or an email. Express again how sorry you are that your actions hurt her so badly. Tell her that you are willing to do anything to help her through her pain (counseling, talking, etc.) and ask her what she needs from you. Then when she tells you what she needs, do it. Is she pulling away from you because she has no trust from you? That is something I do. I've lost all security of a commitment from my husband. If he doesn't keep up on the talking and reassuring, I shut down. He reminds me every morning that I'm his one and only. He puts my wedding ring on my finger every day and tells me that he's commited to me for that day (I can handle knowing that I'm secure for a day....but not forever so that's why this helps). He constantly asks me how I am. The best response I can get from him when I share how I'm feeling is validation of my feelings. In the past, he would get mad if I was struggling....not that I was having a hard time, but because he was mad at himself for what he did. That didn't help me. I needed him to empathize with me. Affairs strip women of so much.....their security, their feeling of being cherished, their dream of being your princess and living happily forever, their dignity, their feelings about their looks and their appeal sexually......I hope you two have seen a counselor to help you through this. Our counselor told us that if you are working hard at healing, it usually takes two years to work through a lot of this and rebuild trust. But if issues haven't been discussed, it will take a lot longer. Another thing that was crucial for me was wanting to know that it would never happen again....which means that for you, you need to know why it happened in the first place.......needs not being met? sexual addiction? or whatever it may be. Search for that answer and work at repairing what caused the affair.
Hope that helps.
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I guess its not so much the fact that she goes out, its the frequency of it, a couple times a week and in the past month she has been out all weekend. I love her very much and just really miss spending time with her.
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Is it possible that she is involved with someone else? That was my first thought. My second is that she is not wanting to face the pain of what happened earlier in your marriage so instead of working through it, she's trying to mask it by keeping busy and staying away from you....because if she spends time with you, it's a reminder of the pain. Just my thoughts and I could be totally wrong.
I would tell her what you just said..."I love you very much and just really miss spending time with you." Tell her you want to work through any feelings she may have about what happened in the past. Ask her what you can do to help her.
I would tell her what you just said..."I love you very much and just really miss spending time with you." Tell her you want to work through any feelings she may have about what happened in the past. Ask her what you can do to help her.
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1Newcreation
Veteran
I agree with Joyful11, say exactly what you said here, that you love her and miss spending time with her.
If you guys have not sought any counsel in two years, maybe it is worth considering.
Have you ever asked your wife to forgive you? Do you think she has forgiven you, has it been verbalized? If this has not been asked or said, then I believe it is important for the relationship that a whole lot more talking is needed. No more avoidance.
Though you hurt your wife, her response by her actions of lying to you about drinking and going to clubs, is not the best way to deal with the pain. And it is not the best remedy for any marriage to heal. It also could be like a tit for tat response, like you went out and had your fun, so now it's her turn, like she is entitled to it. Two years is enough time for bitterness, resentment to build up within anyone to think this way.
The thing about going to bars, clubs, drinking out with the gals, it often invites attention from other men. And I am sure your wife's confidence may have been dented a little bit. So be sure that you are the one paying her compliments and building her up with words of love and affirmation.
Again Joyful11 gave great advice about it is important to keep offering reassurrances to your wife, I suppose you have to prove to her that you are a changed man, very much committed to God and to her.
I do hope that things will improve and you are able to gain your wife's trust back in time, and you can grow together and have trust, love and respect for one another.And I do hope in time that she would rather go out and be with you above anyone else.
If you guys have not sought any counsel in two years, maybe it is worth considering.
Have you ever asked your wife to forgive you? Do you think she has forgiven you, has it been verbalized? If this has not been asked or said, then I believe it is important for the relationship that a whole lot more talking is needed. No more avoidance.
Though you hurt your wife, her response by her actions of lying to you about drinking and going to clubs, is not the best way to deal with the pain. And it is not the best remedy for any marriage to heal. It also could be like a tit for tat response, like you went out and had your fun, so now it's her turn, like she is entitled to it. Two years is enough time for bitterness, resentment to build up within anyone to think this way.
The thing about going to bars, clubs, drinking out with the gals, it often invites attention from other men. And I am sure your wife's confidence may have been dented a little bit. So be sure that you are the one paying her compliments and building her up with words of love and affirmation.
Again Joyful11 gave great advice about it is important to keep offering reassurrances to your wife, I suppose you have to prove to her that you are a changed man, very much committed to God and to her.
I do hope that things will improve and you are able to gain your wife's trust back in time, and you can grow together and have trust, love and respect for one another.And I do hope in time that she would rather go out and be with you above anyone else.
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My husband started going through a really weird phase last April. We were usually so in love and always cuddling but he started to become distant.
He was not having an affair at the time but he was going through a selfish phase. We got into a really big fight over it one night and he told me he couldn't be with me anymore. That night a so called mutual friend of ours came to pick him up so that she could talk to him. He ended up kissing her in the car that night. It did not go any further then that. The pain was still there though. He has never seemed like the cheating type to me and always was so devoted to me, yet he did this awful thing.
When I asked him why he did it he could not answer. He said he was not attracted to her. Which I believe because she is not that attractive. He said it was just his anger with life and his hormones being all whacked.
How do I make sense out of that?? I man who was never a cheater, who most of the time seemed head over heels in love with me all of a sudden had a weird phase and hurt me in the worst way.
I started to grow apart from him because the pain was to much. Even though he tried everyday to mend us and promised me he had no idea why he did what he did I still could not get the pain out of my heart.
We are still together and are still close, but he has no idea the amount of pain I still feel.
So I know the pain your wife is going through. She probably has detached her heart from feeling certain thing's for you because the pain is so intense. She has surrounded herself with friends and night-life. She probably is trying to gain back her individual self so she can feel more in power over herself rather then letting her feelings control her.
That would be my guess anyway.
It doesn't mean you cant mend things back together. My husband and I have for the most part and I am starting to trust him again.
He was not having an affair at the time but he was going through a selfish phase. We got into a really big fight over it one night and he told me he couldn't be with me anymore. That night a so called mutual friend of ours came to pick him up so that she could talk to him. He ended up kissing her in the car that night. It did not go any further then that. The pain was still there though. He has never seemed like the cheating type to me and always was so devoted to me, yet he did this awful thing.
When I asked him why he did it he could not answer. He said he was not attracted to her. Which I believe because she is not that attractive. He said it was just his anger with life and his hormones being all whacked.
How do I make sense out of that?? I man who was never a cheater, who most of the time seemed head over heels in love with me all of a sudden had a weird phase and hurt me in the worst way.
I started to grow apart from him because the pain was to much. Even though he tried everyday to mend us and promised me he had no idea why he did what he did I still could not get the pain out of my heart.
We are still together and are still close, but he has no idea the amount of pain I still feel.
So I know the pain your wife is going through. She probably has detached her heart from feeling certain thing's for you because the pain is so intense. She has surrounded herself with friends and night-life. She probably is trying to gain back her individual self so she can feel more in power over herself rather then letting her feelings control her.
That would be my guess anyway.
It doesn't mean you cant mend things back together. My husband and I have for the most part and I am starting to trust him again.
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eieiowe61
Pressing towards the mark!
She should be very grateful that everything was openly admitted with nothing held back!!
My husband remains in denial of any wrongdoing during the two years he was in Kuwait in spite of emails I found that tells something quite the opposite. I, too, struggle with "moving on" (that's his exact quote) and forgetting. Sometimes I wonder if I've truly forgiven him, since he claims he's done nothing wrong and did nothing needing forgiveness. Yeah, it makes me crazy sometimes, but I'm not likely to go barhopping so I try blocking it out of my mind. Been down that road in the past and quite frankly don't have the time or energy for that. It's hard to move on when your spouse refuses to deal with the issues, including continuing inappropriate comments to other women. We've been married 12 years, and frankly alot of the time I wonder why I continue to hang in there when I know I can do so much better.
Anyhow, didn't mean to start ranting on MY situation--and I agree with what others have said on here. God bless you for coming completely clean and wanting to make things work out
My husband remains in denial of any wrongdoing during the two years he was in Kuwait in spite of emails I found that tells something quite the opposite. I, too, struggle with "moving on" (that's his exact quote) and forgetting. Sometimes I wonder if I've truly forgiven him, since he claims he's done nothing wrong and did nothing needing forgiveness. Yeah, it makes me crazy sometimes, but I'm not likely to go barhopping so I try blocking it out of my mind. Been down that road in the past and quite frankly don't have the time or energy for that. It's hard to move on when your spouse refuses to deal with the issues, including continuing inappropriate comments to other women. We've been married 12 years, and frankly alot of the time I wonder why I continue to hang in there when I know I can do so much better.
Anyhow, didn't mean to start ranting on MY situation--and I agree with what others have said on here. God bless you for coming completely clean and wanting to make things work out
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Shown Much Mercy
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I have been down this road before. I admitted to my wife early on about an affair very early in our marriage which was about 12 years ago. She took things very hard and I wanted her to just get over it. I was young, deployed, etc... I was backslidden when we married and she was an unbeliever. She came to Christ as I was out running around at that time. I was not very supportive and eventually started cheating again later . I deployed again some years later and God changed me also. I read the entire Bible in 93 days! I had a hunger unlike before for Him but I was not prepared for what was ahead.
My wife had given up praying for a Godly husband after I left and deployed and stopped going to Church. She started going to clubs and eventually had an affair. She was pretty upset at God that she had done this and her husband had finally came around to being the man she had prayed years for. This fueled the fire for her and she got into alot of other things that were not so Christian. I again felt the abandonment of another deployment from her and fell again into the temptation of an affair. I quit going to Church, started drinking again etc.... I knew she was having one so I tried to justify it. I returned home for midtour leave and hit rock bottom. I learned the truth that she was having an affair and that she wanted out. I repented to God so many times and asked Him back into my life. I have been walking faithfully with him and in this marriage since that date in May of 2002. I came home for good in September of 2002 and God eventually put everything back together and we put this behind us. It was a tough time but God was faithful.
I came on to CF a couple of years later (Nov 2004) because I needed advice and somewhere to confide. Things were just not right at home again. I did not want to seek another improper relationship as I have done in the past. I made many post asking marital questions and asking advice. One post I made in May of 2007 was asking about leaving the marriage again. Things were not right and I knew it. My wife served in different roles in our Church, etc.... but I had too many indicators that she was cheating. I got my answer after making that post! A couple days later the guy she had been seeing came to the house and confronted me directly about 2am in the morning! They had been seeing each other since Nov 2004! That was when I began to post on CF (under a different screename)! It all made so much sense now.
Well, I forgave and I am deployed once again. We, went through alot of counseling with our Church. It is still a struggle now being away after all of this. I hope my story some how helps. In Christ.....SMM
My wife had given up praying for a Godly husband after I left and deployed and stopped going to Church. She started going to clubs and eventually had an affair. She was pretty upset at God that she had done this and her husband had finally came around to being the man she had prayed years for. This fueled the fire for her and she got into alot of other things that were not so Christian. I again felt the abandonment of another deployment from her and fell again into the temptation of an affair. I quit going to Church, started drinking again etc.... I knew she was having one so I tried to justify it. I returned home for midtour leave and hit rock bottom. I learned the truth that she was having an affair and that she wanted out. I repented to God so many times and asked Him back into my life. I have been walking faithfully with him and in this marriage since that date in May of 2002. I came home for good in September of 2002 and God eventually put everything back together and we put this behind us. It was a tough time but God was faithful.
I came on to CF a couple of years later (Nov 2004) because I needed advice and somewhere to confide. Things were just not right at home again. I did not want to seek another improper relationship as I have done in the past. I made many post asking marital questions and asking advice. One post I made in May of 2007 was asking about leaving the marriage again. Things were not right and I knew it. My wife served in different roles in our Church, etc.... but I had too many indicators that she was cheating. I got my answer after making that post! A couple days later the guy she had been seeing came to the house and confronted me directly about 2am in the morning! They had been seeing each other since Nov 2004! That was when I began to post on CF (under a different screename)! It all made so much sense now.
Well, I forgave and I am deployed once again. We, went through alot of counseling with our Church. It is still a struggle now being away after all of this. I hope my story some how helps. In Christ.....SMM
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