Still Feel it's Your Fault?

[CountryLady]

yep, somewhat...

 

[freyajem]

yep, somewhat...

If you mean somewhat as to who can fix who, it is the one thing that i know to be absolutely true that is that a person can only fix, change, heal themself. No one else can do it for them. Ask any therapist, psychiatrist, doctor of any kind. When a person fixes, changes, heals themself, the other person may, just may, respond by fixing themself. In my case, this did not happen.

 

[makkulu]

Great question, thanks!

Gotta say yeah, I have my moments when what I know to be true - ie it not being my fault - doesn't line up with how my heart feels. I have recently found that I would often in my heart equate regret with guilt and thus figure I must have been at least partly blameworthy - so not allowing my own regret and grief over what happened to be transformed into guilt or shame (ok, into yet more shame) was a really good way to help what I know in my head to be felt in my heart. It's not fun thinking "yes, but" when people say it's not my fault - I don't want to feel like a hypocrite to myself, after all. But, in praying it through I have realised that having moments where I don't feel as blameless as I know myself to be, doesn't change anything or mean I am going backwards, it's just having a moment.... if that makes sense.

So these days I am deliberate at keeping the regrets separate from any feelings of guilt - and to recognise the guilt as what it is - false - even though it is frustrating to be feeling it at all, at least I know it is false.

I am also learning as much as I can about the way that cycles of violence operate and just how it all gets messy... I don't want to analyse my situation from their perspective, since their perspective was pretty twisted... etc.

Also as I rely less on affirmation from others, and vindication from others, it is easier to believe what Jesus says, too.... other people, even well intentioned, only have opinions (and often ignorant uninformed ones at that) Jesus is the only one who knows the truth.

So yeah, I guess I can only say I hear ya... I am getting there but yep I still have my moments! I can usually see it coming and counter it though.

Makk

 

[freyajem]

But, in praying it through I have realised that having moments where I don't feel as blameless as I know myself to be, doesn't change anything or mean I am going backwards, it's just having a moment.... if that makes sense.

Hi Makk

I know how hard it is to not feel guilty because there are two people involved. But in the case of abuse, any kind of abuse is not acceptable even if the one abused did something(usually a small thing) to initiate it. Abuse simply is not acceptable under any circumstances so that no matter what we may have or not done, we did not deserve to be abused. In my case, I know there were times when I practically asked for it, but I learned that the abuse was still not acceptable, that I did not cause it, it was going to happen anyway. And I did have a lot of regret that I married but I wouldn't be who I am now without the experiences I have had so I wouldn't change a thing in my life because I like the way I am now.

 

[Wiffey]

I know that it wasn't my fault...yet I sometimes notice that I am still carrying some baggage. Now I'm married to a good guy, but I have this tendency to feel & act like I don't deserve to be loved. Like I am amazingly lucky to have this man who doesn't yell or hit.
Prior to my bad experiences with my ex-husband, I expected that men would treat me with respect. Now I act surprised when it happens. Like I somehow don't deserve it.

Now I have to remind myself that HE is the lucky one!

 

[freyajem]

I know that it wasn't my fault...yet I sometimes notice that I am still carrying some baggage. Now I'm married to a good guy, but I have this tendency to feel & act like I don't deserve to be loved. Like I am amazingly lucky to have this man who doesn't yell or hit.
Prior to my bad experiences with my ex-husband, I expected that men would treat me with respect. Now I act surprised when it happens. Like I somehow don't deserve it.

Now I have to remind myself that HE is the lucky one!

Awesome wonderful to know that HE is the lucky one. Hey, both of you are the lucky one.

 

[makkulu]

Thanks Freyajem

 

[invisiblebabe]

I very much used to believe it was my fault they did and said such nasty things to me.... but the more I studied about human psychology, the more I realized that I had almost nothing to do with their actions. They treated me badly because they were immature and unable to love the way God wants us to, because a lot of their own past experiences made them convinced they weren't worth loving. They weren't taught their worth, and they had no idea what a healthy relationship was because they never saw one themselves.

God also showed me in very personal ways as answers to prayer, "None of it was your fault." So reason and God both agree.