So Torn Up

[lbclvsrjc]

Hi, what do you do when everything is so confusing in life that even when you pray and pray and try to clear your mind to focus you can't?

It has almost been 8 weeks since my husband left home. Tonight he madethe comment that; "You need to learn to live on your own, before I can come home." What??? We have been married for over 10 years!!! One day, its the way we relate to each other, the next its him and he don't know whats wrong, then its I destroyed his self-esteem during an arguement - he refuses confrontation or to talk about his feelings. I can go on with the list I have been given the last 7 and half weeks. He is staying in our camper in a campground and he says he is miserable, he loves me, he wants our marriage and is moving forward to return to some kind of normalcy...but he says I need to learn to live on my own. I have, lived on my own, BEFORE I was married. He comes home everytimes his youngest daughter comes for her visit or for the whole week during Thanksgiving - he came home last weekend and stayed. He says he loves me, planned a two day trip this weekend for us, but wants to come home and says he can't. Fear is one of the reasons he says; "He fears it will go back to us arguing," the another reason he has stated is, "I think you think you need me to be successful." Well duh!!! He is my husband, but I don't depend on him for that!!!!! I depend on God for that, and my husband to provide support, encouragement, love...if I didn't have them I would still succeed in whatever God chose for me. Then he says if I would just leave him alone...but he don't mean alone, alone...he means not speak of our marriage crisis. He hates to see me in pain...He was diagnosed with migraines (cluster nickname "suicide headache") awful things to watch someone suffer through (you would be amazed at how many men (.06 of the 1% of migraine suffers have this type) kill themselves because the pain is so severe and intense. So, then he threatens to be through with me if I cause him to have an attack...since anxiousness suffocates him when we talk about our marriage or the anticpation of it..he is not sure which, then he proceeds to tell me how my extremely handsome husband is "fat" (not hardly), old, and no longer healthy and how he cried on his way to work and sat in his car outside for 25 minutes crying...but he won't let me in. He made 43 in Nov., had a grandbaby 3 days later (first), headaches started 1 month after finding out his baby girl, the apple of his eye was pregnant and he is miserable with his new boss, but I am the one he runs from. I just don't know what to do? I am so torn up and twisted inside...he has left our home, bills, responsibility of everything to me, and doesn't even ask about them. He hasn't told anyone in his family and doesn't talk to friends. He sits by himself in that camper day in day out...with no love or support around him. No matter what I say he says I am pressuring or pushing him...don't I see...work on yourself...and on and on...If I talk about the sky, weather, work, dogs or anything other than us he is fine...and he would prefer to do it through text messages. I pray and pray and pray...he refuses to go to a counselor (they would report it to his job). Please what direction do I go? When do I say enough is enough? So much has happended in the family the last two years we all are at our limits, but we have stuck....I didn't know how bad he was hurting since he doesn't communicate...please help a torn, twisted and confused wife who wants to keep her marriage - what is the next step and how do you keep from asking the one person God chose you to be with about your future together?

Thanks,

 

[blueguy]

Hopefully time and prayer will help heal this.... sorry for your frustration and pain

 

[Canuckmom]

I am so sorry that you have to go through this
But I really don't know what to say. Perhaps it will be best go along with him in not speaking about your marriage for a while; just focus on what you can talk about.
I think a visit to the doctor might be a good idea also, if you can get him to go.
Sorry I can't be of much help; I hope someone else has better ideas.

 

[bltfam]

THe only person you can control/change is you so for right now if he isnt willing to talk about the issues or he continues to change his excuses there really isnt anything you can do about it. just focus on what changes in your you can make and continue to ask God to lead you Often as we become more emotional and worked up with our emotions on a rollercoaster the less still and quiet we are because our mind continues to race. so we can barely keep up with the voices in our own head to listen to How can we possibly hear from God. I'll be praying for you

 

[dayknee]

Hi, what do you do when everything is so confusing in life that even when you pray and pray and try to clear your mind to focus you can't?

It has almost been 8 weeks since my husband left home. Tonight he madethe comment that; "You need to learn to live on your own, before I can come home." What??? We have been married for over 10 years!!! One day, its the way we relate to each other, the next its him and he don't know whats wrong, then its I destroyed his self-esteem during an arguement - he refuses confrontation or to talk about his feelings. I can go on with the list I have been given the last 7 and half weeks. He is staying in our camper in a campground and he says he is miserable, he loves me, he wants our marriage and is moving forward to return to some kind of normalcy...but he says I need to learn to live on my own. I have, lived on my own, BEFORE I was married. He comes home everytimes his youngest daughter comes for her visit or for the whole week during Thanksgiving - he came home last weekend and stayed. He says he loves me, planned a two day trip this weekend for us, but wants to come home and says he can't. Fear is one of the reasons he says; "He fears it will go back to us arguing," the another reason he has stated is, "I think you think you need me to be successful." Well duh!!! He is my husband, but I don't depend on him for that!!!!! I depend on God for that, and my husband to provide support, encouragement, love...if I didn't have them I would still succeed in whatever God chose for me. Then he says if I would just leave him alone...but he don't mean alone, alone...he means not speak of our marriage crisis. He hates to see me in pain...He was diagnosed with migraines (cluster nickname "suicide headache") awful things to watch someone suffer through (you would be amazed at how many men (.06 of the 1% of migraine suffers have this type) kill themselves because the pain is so severe and intense. So, then he threatens to be through with me if I cause him to have an attack...since anxiousness suffocates him when we talk about our marriage or the anticpation of it..he is not sure which, then he proceeds to tell me how my extremely handsome husband is "fat" (not hardly), old, and no longer healthy and how he cried on his way to work and sat in his car outside for 25 minutes crying...but he won't let me in. He made 43 in Nov., had a grandbaby 3 days later (first), headaches started 1 month after finding out his baby girl, the apple of his eye was pregnant and he is miserable with his new boss, but I am the one he runs from. I just don't know what to do? I am so torn up and twisted inside...he has left our home, bills, responsibility of everything to me, and doesn't even ask about them. He hasn't told anyone in his family and doesn't talk to friends. He sits by himself in that camper day in day out...with no love or support around him. No matter what I say he says I am pressuring or pushing him...don't I see...work on yourself...and on and on...If I talk about the sky, weather, work, dogs or anything other than us he is fine...and he would prefer to do it through text messages. I pray and pray and pray...he refuses to go to a counselor (they would report it to his job). Please what direction do I go? When do I say enough is enough? So much has happended in the family the last two years we all are at our limits, but we have stuck....I didn't know how bad he was hurting since he doesn't communicate...please help a torn, twisted and confused wife who wants to keep her marriage - what is the next step and how do you keep from asking the one person God chose you to be with about your future together?

Thanks,

I am so sorry you are going thru this..I couldnt begin to know what his issues are. Or why he would stay away from home and not want to talk about the marriage even though he says he loves you and wants to stay married.
The way I see it is he either goes to counseling to try to gain some perspective on what is happening or he continues to live in the state he is in now. Im sorry but I do not agree with just calling him and shooting the breeze and not talking about the real problems..that is only making him comfortable and keeping him in furthur denial about things. Your husband sounds like he is having a break-down of sorts. Please dont take offense to what Im about to say as I am just trying to give other options for you and they probably wont be too popular.
I would call his bluff..I would leave him alone. And I would be praying that the Lord brings him home and that he clears his mind. You cannot baby him by avoiding the issues when you call him. He has to deal with whatever is going on. If he isnt willng to deal with it then calling him and talking to him about how the weather is, wont make things better. The reason he doesnt want to talk about it is becuase it is too uncomfortable. And I say..too bad..we have to deal with this..and if you are not able to at this moment I will give you the time and space you need to do so. Until then I will not bother you and you can call me when you are at that point.
I don't pretned to know if this will work..but it is something I have done. and I feel better about it only becuase I cannot keep forcing someone to do what they simply don't want to do or are not ready to do. but I will not baby or coddle my husband until we are able to openly, as adults, discuss what is going on.
Just my two cents.
But I will pray for you and your husband. I will pray that God opens up his eyes to see what an amazing wife he has and that she needs him..I will pray that your husband will seek help.
God Bless You

 

[Autumnleaf]

If talking about certain issues cause lots of trouble in your marriage why do you insist on bringing them up? There are sensitive areas I can bring up with my wife that will start a fight. Maybe you should let sleeping dogs lie.

 

[Adamantium]

If your husband says he still loves you but wants to stop talking about certain issues, then...stop talking about them. He has said he loves you and wants to stay married. You've got your answer. Why keep picking at the scab?

Try to just relax. I get migraines a few times a year, and I know that when I have one, I can't think straight, and anything that increases my stress makes it worse. If he's having them frequently, and you keep poking him with stressful questions, then honestly I can't blame him for wanting to retreat to the camper. At least it's quiet.

Give him the kind of love he needs right now, and stop trying to make this about you. (I realize that sounds harsh. I don't mean it to, but I can't think of a way to make it less painful to hear.) He's sick, he's stressed, he's miserable, and he's feeling trapped. Your job right now is to help him find peace and calmness. Be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

 

[TexasSky]

Dear friend,

It sounds like your husband may be on the edge of a nervous breakdown or of a mid-life crisis. I base this on things you've shared such as his feeling that he thinks he has to be a success to please you. He must feel like he is not a success or he wouldn't say that. He must feel like he cannot please you or he wouldn't say that. The disappointment in your daughter's pregnancy may lead him to feel like a failure as a father as well. The fights and bickering and things at home only fuel the lack of self-esteem. Right now, he probably is looking for some "safe-place" in the world that does not make him feel like more of a failure than he is already telling himself he is. (That is not to call him a failure, that is to say he is calling himself one, whether he is or not.) Trying to discuss what is wrong with the marriage probably just makes him feel worse.

HOWEVER, that does NOT mean he doesn't need to discuss it. Just that it needs to be discussed in a DIFFERNT manner.

If you love this man, and you want your marriage to work, it is imparative that you both get into marriage counseling, as a couple and as individuals. If you cannot afford professional counseling, you may look into churches in the region. Many large churches hire professional, licensed counselors. Many larger cities will have counselors who work on a sliding scale payment. Especially if you live in an area near a major university that includes psychology or psychiatry or family counseling as majors offered to their students.

Counseling can help you learn to discuss issues without making either of you feel like failures. It should sit down and ask questions that are non -judegemental. In other words, instead of, "Our marriage is falling apart, and you're driving me insane," it will teach you to say, "I know that you are very unhappy, and I want you to be happy. When you say you feel I want you to be a success I feel lost because I already think of you as one, but I must not be communicating that to you. How can I communicate that to you?" Or, "I trust you when you say you love me, but I am not a "words" kind of person. I really need a non-sexual hug in the morning." "You said that I need to learn to live on my own, and that frightens me because I love you, and I do not want to live without you, but I realized that you may be thinking that I am not sharing enough of your load. How can I make your load easier, so that you feel I am not over whelming you with the burden of our family?"

My spouse suffered a traumatic head injury that turned him into a total stranger. He literally started seeing things that weren't there, and fighting with me about things I never said or did, but that he was positive I had said and done. It is over whelming to both parties involved. In my case, because I was dealing, literally, with a diagnosed mental illness and there was a danger to my children, I had to eventually let go of the marriage, but you and your spouse sound like you both have a lot of love left, and that the issues are not as severe as total personality changes and people who aren't there. (If you have seen "A Beautiful Mind," that's a good example of my life for those last few years of marriage, only my spouse was claiming God wanted him to kill me and the children to prove my spouses' love for God.)

While I tried to deal with that, I, like you, reached a point where I couldn't calm enough to pray, and I don't know if you share this feeling, but I began to feel like a little mechanical duck on a shooting range. The kind that every time the bullet hits turns in the other direction and just gets hit again until it is standing still waiting for the next shot.

Prayer seemed impossible, because I couldn't be still enough to listen to God.

I asked others to pray for me. MANY others. (I truly believe that for every 10 people who say they'll pray for something, only 5 actually pray, and only 3 seriously talk to God when they DO pray about something not related to their own issues.)

So ask people to pray, not just for your marriage, but for your ability to communicate with God again. Their prayers can calm you enough to let you talk and listen to God.

 

[lbclvsrjc]

Thanks everyone for the wonderful, giving advice. I don't talk or bring up issues other than what keeps him from wanting to come home - he can go all week with texting and not seeing me, but will come home every other weekend when his daughter is here or on a Sunday to wash his clothes, eat, visit with me and go back to the camper. I apologize, but after 3 to 5 days of nothing but text messages and small talk about the weather, I have to ask where our life is headed.Maybe that is wrong and I should let sleeping dogs lie, but when he is so not acting like the man I know nd you want to ease the pain and help its hard to pretend that your life is normal - holidays were coming up and he wouldn't talk about those - my in-laws and step children calling wanting to know plans and I had nothing to tell them, and since he hasn't told anyone in his family none of them knew - so there I go having to pretend.

The last two years have been so extraordinarily difficult -Hurricane Katrina 8/05 (we live 17 miles N or Slidell 9 additional people living with us for 2 months) - 9/05 hurricane Rita (opposite side of state but still impacts felt) 10/05 Promotion and job change for me and surgery -06 state of La removes my niece and nephew (who both had severe trauma, neglect, and social issues). Both move in with us. In April 06 Dad has quad by pass - diabetic with high blood pressure so at times touch and go! Husband takes a promotion in Aug that he really didn't want, but done it for his boss. Constant Running with kids for state, missed 21 days of work in first 4 months. January 07 - nephew accidently overdoses(older sister by 1 year- her stepson)...4/07 Uncle has surgery for artery in neck 100 percent blocked...2/07 My sister (younger 4 yrs - have her children) test positive for drugs and has lied about all rehab...State rules perm placement in our home...we disagree on how things should go - Kids are placed SOLELY to ME --- 5/07 My husbands baby Girl (17 yo honor student who had 2 scholarship offers and modeling contract) His baby - says she is 4 months pregnant - 6/07 Aunt that lived with us my entire life died unexpectedly - Brother- in law - (older sister by 1 year husband they have 4 and 11 yo at this time) emergency surgery -7/07 Husband starts having severe attacks - headaches so bad the bangs his head against wall and cries begging God...never seen anything like it before - diagnosed with Cluster Migraines...less than 1 percent of the 12 percent migraines sufferes have these and they are nicknamed the SUICIDE MIGRAINE -8/07 Brother in law goes in for routine procedure...placed on life support - 5 days later he is gone - 9/07 - boss retires and he gets a new one - who him and him have history together...this boss rules and keeps husband constantly under thumb - demoralizes and strips him of duties all workers in husband postion throughout the state do - 10/07 Uncle who had surgery in April - gone suddenly...11/07 - Baby born after some scary episodes - husban left home day before...still having clusters off and on..

So, its been a lot and its been rough, but we are here and other than an episode yesterday morning, where he perceived my body language to say I was attempting to lead him around by the nose...didn't understand that one, but I took and when he got back here last night, daughter and grandbaby here for the week and weekend and he was normal. So, I try to ride this roller coaster...but I am human and TX you are so right "how do you calm to focus" yes!! TX, I am in counseling, my husband refuses, and I am also seeing the couneslor from Church...

Thanks to all of you and God Bless...I will keep you posted and in my prayers..

 

[Johnnz]

He needs to talk. Whatever lies behind his behaviour and attitudes it is not healthy for him, or for you. he can only dig his own hole deeper and cause pain for you and your family unless he changes. Whether or not he will address his issues will determine the fate of your marriage.

John
NZ