Simple Strange Question

[question33]

My wife and I have been having problems for 4 months. She has reached the point of refusing all physical contact. I have been in counseling, she refuses. She denies having any affairs. She left home for 4 weeks on a planned trip. I cleaned house and found a full bottle of fairly expensive perfume I did not buy her. She is a insanely frugal person who will buy nothing of value for herself. Am I better off sticking out in the open where she knows I have seen it or shall it just disappear and wait for the reaction? I have had suspicions in the last few months of infidelity that may have caused some quite odd behaviour. It might seem like a bit of a spy action, but I suspect my wife is BPD and I don't know what to expect.

Thank you for reading....

 

[Evangelina]

Personally, I'd ask about it. Gently and non-accusingly.

I've had a look through your previous posts, because your mention of 'troubles' had me wondering. One thing I wanted to point out and highlight to you:

When we stuff up badly, we hurt those around us. Badly.

When we realise that we've stuffed up and decide to turn our lives around, sometimes we look at others around us and see their lack of growth, their clinging to the past... and get impatient. But we generally forget just how long it took US to see the light... and we forget to give our loved ones time to catch up with the changes and realise that they're longterm.

We have a tendency to forget just how much harm we did 'back then' and expect everyone else to bounce back from our destructive behaviour. Usually it takes the victims a lot longer to recover than the perpetrator.

It might seem really unfair that I'm focusing on you and your old mistakes here. In one sense, it is. You're a different person now, you've grown, God's forgiven and healed you. Maybe you don't see any signs of harm done by your drinking back then.

The sad fact is, though, that often our sins against those close to us just fester deep down in their hearts and souls... and it can take a LOT to even uncover it, because they've tried for years to smother the pain with assurances of love, with duty, with 'forgiveness'. And once it's uncovered, it can take years and years to heal, while the person who caused it has moved on, has changed and has trouble with the fact that they keep getting dragged back into the consequences of old sins committed by someone they hardly recognise as themselves.

I'm not saying you're entirely to blame for the problems in your marriage - God forbid!!! More that you were two damaged, hurting kids who got married, found your own personal ways of dealing with your pain... and hurt each other unintentionally all the time. And now the obvious fallout is happening.

 

[Canuk]

I'd ask her about the perfume...no need to get all passive aggressive about it. As Evangelina mentioned, don't accuse, simply say you saw it and ask where, or when, she got it.

 

[bluesunman]

The best approach is the direct approach. Ask her point blank. You deserve the truth. You are a man asking a simple question. Try your hardest not to be confrontational about it. Practice what your going to say in front of the mirror. Is your wife a believer? We all are subject to falling down at some point in our existance. The real issue is are you ready for the answer? Are you strong enough to handle the truth?

 

[confused2007]

If you truly believe she has BPD, then that explains a lot. This bottle of perfume could be from some extravagant shopping trip due to symptoms of BPD. I don't know. I certainly wouldn't hesitate to ask the advice of your counselor. Personally, I think I would ask about it.

Also, with the physical contact thing... to your knowledge was she ever sexually abused as a child? Just a thought. Sometimes flashbacks can cause a spouse to hold back from any physical contact for a while because the memories are too much. It has nothing to do with you if this is the case. Keep in mind, too, sometimes after 5 or 6 years of marriage, one spouse may lose "passion" for a while. This is a normal occurence and she may not realize that.

I would continue to encourage her in the idea of counseling. Tell her she can choose her own counselor. It's just important, I think, that she get into therapy right away.

Hope this helps.

 

[question33]

Haven't been here in a while. So this is a fairly old post. I never did ask her about it. Other bigger issues presented themselves over the last month or so.

A have admitted my part in the issues to her and my counselor. And yes he believes that my actions certainly triggered some things. But a lot of the current issues are now on her end. She refuses to go to counseling of any sort. Which is leaving me in a very bad position. I am the one in the relationship currently who will be forced to make some very sensitive decisions soon. Unfortunately she is not behaving logically at all.

 

[Ashyah]

Sometimes when someone makes changes. The other has gone on with their lives.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Women seldom behave logically. How does her not playing ball force you to decide on anything?

 

[1Newcreation]

BPD, does this mean bipolar disorder? I wasn't sure and haven't read other threads.

So is this what you mean by your wife not behaving logically?

It sounds like you admitted your faults and are really wanting to make things work by attending counselling. I will pray for you both and may you seek God's wisdom in whatever you do.

1newcreation