She has shown little or no signs of interest... still going to take a shot

[christiansoccerplayer]

I realize I am asking a rhetorical question, but want to solicit advice anyway. There is a woman who I am interested in being more than a friend but she has shown little to no signs of interest on her part. Add to that I don't know if she is available or not (She doesn't wear any kind of ring on the left ring finger so I assume she is neither married or engaged). My current inclination is to say to heck with it and take my shot (ask her out) despite lack of signs, and risk rejection and awkwardness because you never know.... to use an analogy from my username, the ball could end up in the back of the net. But with no visible signs, should I even waste my time asking? What would my fellow single guys do in this situation?

 

[Reluctant Theologian]

I realize I am asking a rhetorical question, but want to solicit advice anyway. There is a woman who I am interested in being more than a friend but she has shown little to no signs of interest on her part. Add to that I don't know if she is available or not (She doesn't wear any kind of ring on the left ring finger so I assume she is neither married or engaged). My current inclination is to say to heck with it and take my shot (ask her out) despite lack of signs, and risk rejection and awkwardness because you never know.... to use an analogy from my username, the ball could end up in the back of the net. But with no visible signs, should I even waste my time asking? What would my fellow single guys do in this situation?

If you are still unsure if she's available in the first place, I would first ask her about that casually ... before asking her out ... that way you will also immediately know whether she has any interest by the way she will respond I'm no expert, but to me that seems to be the obvious approach.

 

[com7fy8]

There are married and engaged people who do not wear rings.

If I were considering someone, I would first pray for God to take care of it. And simply listen to whatever she says in church and groups and any conversations we have. And be ready to love someone else as myself, by welcoming him to have her.

If she is your Christian sister, it should not be awkward to ask her if she has someone. But I would not hurry or steer the conversation to this, but enjoy and appreciate however you now can share as brother and sister in Jesus, and discover how God has your relating grow and develop.

Because first of all we are children of God and our Father wants us all to share closely as His family . . . not hurry or steer to get isolated with some one person.

If you have Christian relating with each other, this can help prepare you for marriage, whether with her or someone else. Appreciate whatever you do have.

 

[tdidymas]

I realize I am asking a rhetorical question, but want to solicit advice anyway. There is a woman who I am interested in being more than a friend but she has shown little to no signs of interest on her part. Add to that I don't know if she is available or not (She doesn't wear any kind of ring on the left ring finger so I assume she is neither married or engaged). My current inclination is to say to heck with it and take my shot (ask her out) despite lack of signs, and risk rejection and awkwardness because you never know.... to use an analogy from my username, the ball could end up in the back of the net. But with no visible signs, should I even waste my time asking? What would my fellow single guys do in this situation?

In my experience, one of the most awkward and rude things anyone can do is to assume affections on someone without any communication about it. (This has happened to me numerous times, and I've also done it to others numerous times.) "How can two walk together unless they agree"? If one person harbors fantasies about another before communicating it, emotional tracks are built inappropriately, which often leads to relational disaster. An example of this is manifested in sexual harassment in the workplace (or accusations of the same). Another example, is that one of the parties has to leave the church. We all need to set boundaries in our minds to control potential emotional outbursts.

The first question that should be asked is: are you romantically attached to anyone? This question is straight to the point. No beating around the bush, no hem-hawing, no hiding in fear. It takes emotional courage and maturity to ask this question.
The next question (if "no") - Would you like to have dinner with me? Or coffee, or wherever you could have a private conversation (with other people around to offer a sense of security).

How can you know if she is the least interested in you if she knows nothing about you? Flirting is the world's way of showing interest. It may work sometimes, but sometimes it's not needed, and relationships can work without it. But communication is absolutely necessary.

BTW, this thread might work better in the Singles forum.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

I realize I am asking a rhetorical question, but want to solicit advice anyway. There is a woman who I am interested in being more than a friend but she has shown little to no signs of interest on her part. Add to that I don't know if she is available or not (She doesn't wear any kind of ring on the left ring finger so I assume she is neither married or engaged). My current inclination is to say to heck with it and take my shot (ask her out) despite lack of signs, and risk rejection and awkwardness because you never know.... to use an analogy from my username, the ball could end up in the back of the net. But with no visible signs, should I even waste my time asking? What would my fellow single guys do in this situation?

Confused....how is she a friend if you do not know if she is married or not? You can settle this whole thing by grabbing a casual cup coffee together. Keep it simple so you can gather the information you need. Blessings.

 

[tdidymas]

Confused....how is she a friend if you do not know if she is married or not? You can settle this whole thing by grabbing a casual cup coffee together. Keep it simple so you can gather the information you need. Blessings.

He didn't say she was a friend, he said he wants to be "more than a friend" which means romantic involvement. His dilemma is not knowing if she is romantically attached. I suppose he could ask her to have coffee with him, and if her answer is "I'm married" or "I have a boyfriend" then it's "no." Or, if it's simply "no" then she isn't interested. If it's "give me a rain check," then she could be interested.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

He didn't say she was a friend, he said he wants to be "more than a friend" which means romantic involvement. His dilemma is not knowing if she is romantically attached. I suppose he could ask her to have coffee with him, and if her answer is "I'm married" or "I have a boyfriend" then it's "no." Or, if it's simply "no" then she isn't interested. If it's "give me a rain check," then she could be interested.

Maybe he can clear that up. Doesn't sound like she is a total stranger or even an acquaintance. If it's a coworker , I'd stay clear of any engaging. Could become awkward.

 

[eleos1954]

I realize I am asking a rhetorical question, but want to solicit advice anyway. There is a woman who I am interested in being more than a friend but she has shown little to no signs of interest on her part. Add to that I don't know if she is available or not (She doesn't wear any kind of ring on the left ring finger so I assume she is neither married or engaged). My current inclination is to say to heck with it and take my shot (ask her out) despite lack of signs, and risk rejection and awkwardness because you never know.... to use an analogy from my username, the ball could end up in the back of the net. But with no visible signs, should I even waste my time asking? What would my fellow single guys do in this situation?

well ... ask her out ... she'll either accept or not

 

[com7fy8]

We don't know her. It seems you don't, except by now you could have gotten more acquainted.

But if you do not even know someone . . . how are you being attracted? Why would I be attracted to a woman and I don't even know how she is, as a person? Of course, God can bring together a couple He knows belongs together.

It is good to make sure with God, in any case.

I think there are people who want something and they look for someone they can use to get what they want. **They are already in love with what they want.** And they see somebody who acts charming and talks smart enough, maybe is rich enough, to give them what they want and be nice about it. And so that is what hooks them in love with the one they hope to use.

They don't really love the person, though; so when they don't get their treasure, they can let the person go > you're fired or not hired, if you're not going to do your job, for free.

But Jesus wants us to love any and all people. So, even if I am not going to marry a Christian lady, still God will have us loving one another dearly, if we are brother and sister in Jesus.

But ones are mainly trying to find the one they can use; and when that falls apart, they can wonder how that could have happened. And on they go, even, through another marriage and divorce, using the same method to get the same result.

So, do you want her because you care about her growing in Jesus and loving any and all people the way Jesus wants us His Bride to do? Is she an example of this and so you want a woman like her to be a good example to help you grow and help your children so they can grow up knowing how to be and to love?

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

There are married and engaged people who do not wear rings.

If I were considering someone, I would first pray for God to take care of it. And simply listen to whatever she says in church and groups and any conversations we have. And be ready to love someone else as myself, by welcoming him to have her.

If she is your Christian sister, it should not be awkward to ask her if she has someone. But I would not hurry or steer the conversation to this, but enjoy and appreciate however you now can share as brother and sister in Jesus, and discover how God has your relating grow and develop.

Because first of all we are children of God and our Father wants us all to share closely as His family . . . not hurry or steer to get isolated with some one person.

If you have Christian relating with each other, this can help prepare you for marriage, whether with her or someone else. Appreciate whatever you do have.

I dislike it when they don't. and trust me, I have prayed ALOT about it.

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

In my experience, one of the most awkward and rude things anyone can do is to assume affections on someone without any communication about it. (This has happened to me numerous times, and I've also done it to others numerous times.) "How can two walk together unless they agree"? If one person harbors fantasies about another before communicating it, emotional tracks are built inappropriately, which often leads to relational disaster. An example of this is manifested in sexual harassment in the workplace (or accusations of the same). Another example, is that one of the parties has to leave the church. We all need to set boundaries in our minds to control potential emotional outbursts.

The first question that should be asked is: are you romantically attached to anyone? This question is straight to the point. No beating around the bush, no hem-hawing, no hiding in fear. It takes emotional courage and maturity to ask this question.
The next question (if "no") - Would you like to have dinner with me? Or coffee, or wherever you could have a private conversation (with other people around to offer a sense of security).

How can you know if she is the least interested in you if she knows nothing about you? Flirting is the world's way of showing interest. It may work sometimes, but sometimes it's not needed, and relationships can work without it. But communication is absolutely necessary.

BTW, this thread might work better in the Singles forum.

I don't assume affections on my part (just interest) and certainly don't assume any on her part

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

If you are still unsure if she's available in the first place, I would first ask her about that casually ... before asking her out ... that way you will also immediately know whether she has any interest by the way she will respond I'm no expert, but to me that seems to be the obvious approach.

Great, I'll be sure to ask her about her availability in the same message, just before I actually ask her out. Because at least if I ask her out and she replies with "I'm seeing somone", at least I'll know that I won't stand a further chance and can gradually find someone else to ask. I figure I have to get turned down/rejected several times before I actually get a "yes", maybe not a scientific theory, but not one that is far fetched either. plus it's been a while since I've asked someone out and got turned down. Maybe it's time to get some more experience in handling rejection.

 

[com7fy8]

Maybe it's time to get some more experience in handling rejection.

If she is a Christian person, you can have a good relationship with her, for a minute or a date. You can pray for God to guide her, and honor her and encourage her to make the right choices about you. And honor how God guides her, and therefore do not take it as rejection if she says no to something.

And then appreciate the moments you get to share with her. You are not getting rejected if she is talking with you, at times. Be content and thankful for however God does bless you to share with her.

What you do with little can be an indication of how you will handle more.

A Christian is not rejecting you, if she is praying and doing what God guides her to do. She is simply helping you to know what God's will is. That is not rejection. And you appreciate however God makes time for you to share with her. Quality if not quantity.

I fell hard for someone, and she said she was interested in someone else. Then that broke up and instead of coming to me she fished a guy from a bar, and he turned out not suitable. Then I realized I had been stupid to want her. And possibly she was a pathological lier and a serial charmer and teaser and a loser who didn't know what she was doing. So, her not wanting me was not rejection, really.

I saw I needed to find out how to evaluate, and not be like a beggar for someone's attention; but be ready for equal sharing, like I understand God's word means >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

In Christian loving, I think, you won't fall hard and crazy for someone and be like a beggar, but we grow and develop to discover what is for us. We don't treat dates and marriage like things to accomplish, but humble ourselves and enjoy discovering how God has planned and creates better than what we can want now.

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

If she is a Christian person, you can have a good relationship with her, for a minute or a date. You can pray for God to guide her, and honor her and encourage her to make the right choices about you. And honor how God guides her, and therefore do not take it as rejection if she says no to something.

And then appreciate the moments you get to share with her. You are not getting rejected if she is talking with you, at times. Be content and thankful for however God does bless you to share with her.

What you do with little can be an indication of how you will handle more.

A Christian is not rejecting you, if she is praying and doing what God guides her to do. She is simply helping you to know what God's will is. That is not rejection. And you appreciate however God makes time for you to share with her. Quality if not quantity.

I fell hard for someone, and she said she was interested in someone else. Then that broke up and instead of coming to me she fished a guy from a bar, and he turned out not suitable. Then I realized I had been stupid to want her. And possibly she was a pathological lier and a serial charmer and teaser and a loser who didn't know what she was doing. So, her not wanting me was not rejection, really.

I saw I needed to find out how to evaluate, and not be like a beggar for someone's attention; but be ready for equal sharing, like I understand God's word means >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

In Christian loving, I think, you won't fall hard and crazy for someone and be like a beggar, but we grow and develop to discover what is for us. We don't treat dates and marriage like things to accomplish, but humble ourselves and enjoy discovering how God has planned and creates better than what we can want now.

Great advice
I feel I have not fallen hard and crazy for this woman. I have spent several weeks since I realized I was attracted, considering and praying and talking to God. I admit I like her but have preparing myself for any kind of answer to the message I will send (including no response at all); if she turns me down for any reason (whether that be she is unavialble, not interested in me or not looking to date anyone at the moment), I will just thank her for her honesty and never bring up my interest again. If she were to bring it up in the future, that would be another thing but who is to say I might have met someone who did accept my proposal for a date.,

 

[com7fy8]

any kind of answer to the message I will send

Well, if you have a good attitude about this, I would think it could be good to actually talk with her, at church or wherever you have opportunities to see her. Maybe first ask her if she is sharing with someone; and, if not, then say you would like to spend more time with her, but you appreciate however you do get to share with her.

But . . . actually . . . this is your relationship, not for me to rehearse it all with you!!!!!!!! I would trust God to have it go how He pleases, with no rehearsing and premeditating and controlling

But I do think that if she is a Christian person, she will help you, however. Treat her with trust about whatever she chooses.

When I got more friendly with my lady friend, I thought we were so comfortable together that she would readily accept my invitation for me to go see her on a Saturday. But she said she was not sure. I was surprised, but I said fine. And I trusted the Lord to decide and guide her.

Then . . . I think it was the next day - - - at church she passed me in her pick-up and smilingly said, did I want to meet her brother? ! ! !

And I already felt like I was with my wife . . . even for some time before then. So, I was enjoying and praying my way along. We have not gotten married, though, for a number of reasons, but we are possibly more one and comfortable than a number of people who are or have been married. The love is better than romance, even more intimate, I would say. God's love is better than any human experience, according to my experience and Psalm 63:3 >

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You." (Psalm 63:3)

And what has helped is I hold myself to how Jesus says to love any and all people, not only ones who love us >

"if you love those who love you, what reward have you?" (in Matthew 5:46)

So, for some while before I discovered her, I have had this as a rule for how to love anyone special to me > also, Jesus expects me to fully love any and all others . . . however God has this work, of course. Be ready for love with each person . . . any person.

My commitment has been that I might get with someone very special for me, but we might not marry . . . but keep things moral, of course. But I am 76 years old. So, you're younger, not likely to want to be celibate with someone very good for you.

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

Well, if you have a good attitude about this, I would think it could be good to actually talk with her, at church or wherever you have opportunities to see her. Maybe first ask her if she is sharing with someone; and, if not, then say you would like to spend more time with her, but you appreciate however you do get to share with her.

But . . . actually . . . this is your relationship, not for me to rehearse it all with you!!!!!!!! I would trust God to have it go how He pleases, with no rehearsing and premeditating and controlling

But I do think that if she is a Christian person, she will help you, however. Treat her with trust about whatever she chooses.

When I got more friendly with my lady friend, I thought we were so comfortable together that she would readily accept my invitation for me to go see her on a Saturday. But she said she was not sure. I was surprised, but I said fine. And I trusted the Lord to decide and guide her.

Then . . . I think it was the next day - - - at church she passed me in her pick-up and smilingly said, did I want to meet her brother? ! ! !

And I already felt like I was with my wife . . . even for some time before then. So, I was enjoying and praying my way along. We have not gotten married, though, for a number of reasons, but we are possibly more one and comfortable than a number of people who are or have been married. The love is better than romance, even more intimate, I would say. God's love is better than any human experience, according to my experience and Psalm 63:3 >

"Because Your lovingkindness is better than life,
My lips shall praise You." (Psalm 63:3)

And what has helped is I hold myself to how Jesus says to love any and all people, not only ones who love us >

"if you love those who love you, what reward have you?" (in Matthew 5:46)

So, for some while before I discovered her, I have had this as a rule for how to love anyone special to me > also, Jesus expects me to fully love any and all others . . . however God has this work, of course. Be ready for love with each person . . . any person.

My commitment has been that I might get with someone very special for me, but we might not marry . . . but keep things moral, of course. But I am 76 years old. So, you're younger, not likely to want to be celibate with someone very good for you.

you're 76 and never married? Oh man, I don't know what that must be like. I know I would not want to be in that situation. So last night, I did message her and flat out asked her if she was available, if she would go on a date. I then admitted i had slight interest. She replied back early this morning, telling me while she was flattered, she had a serious boyfriend so my romantic pursuit of her is over. I will see her again because of our respective jobs, but I will not bring up my interest again.

 

[bèlla]

you're 76 and never married? Oh man, I don't know what that must be like. I know I would not want to be in that situation. So last night, I did message her and flat out asked her if she was available, if she would go on a date. I then admitted i had slight interest. She replied back early this morning, telling me while she was flattered, she had a serious boyfriend so my romantic pursuit of her is over. I will see her again because of our respective jobs, but I will not bring up my interest again.

You were noticeably excited about the possibility and that's an obvious shift from your previous posts. Perhaps you're more receptive/comfortable with scenarios like this? I'm not suggesting you seek them out. But remaining open to possibilities doesn't hurt.

For what it's worth, age gaps aren't uncommon and exist on both ends. I've done it twice and known/mentored others who had older/younger suitors. I don't want to say it doesn't matter. There are things you need to be mindful of and both require grace. But I don't think dwelling on the difference is helpful. I'd rest in what God is doing for each and see where it leads.

You'll have more opportunities.

~bella

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

You were noticeably excited about the possibility and that's an obvious shift from your previous posts. Perhaps you're more receptive/comfortable with scenarios like this? I'm not suggesting you seek them out. But remaining open to possibilities doesn't hurt.

For what it's worth, age gaps aren't uncommon and exist on both ends. I've done it twice and known/mentored others who had older/younger suitors. I don't want to say it doesn't matter. There are things you need to be mindful of and both require grace. But I don't think dwelling on the difference is helpful. I'd rest in what God is doing for each and see where it leads.

You'll have more opportunities.

~bella

The age difference was nearly 20 years. Me being older. I suppose if she was single and gave me a chance, as soon as I would have revealed my ACTUAL age of 46 (apparently, I look 7-10 years younger than what I really am), we probably would not have gone any further. I was attracted to her physical beauty, kindness and we had a common interest (I do not know if she was a believer or not) I would not normally pursue someone 20 years younger but I just liked this woman. I am happy I took a shot even though there won't be a date (and probably never will) as she has a boyfriend. But I did gain confidence (even just a little) in approaching and asking out a woman regardless of if I actually have a good chance. More importantly, something just snapped in my brain that finally allowed me to understand if I want to date, have a girlfriend and marry (which I feel called to because the thought of not marrying ever is not what my heart wants, not what I desire and is kinda terrrifying) then I am going to have to make the first move and ask her out. One thing about this situation is I tried to not show any interest (i have little to no idea how to flirt) until I actually made the move" and it caught her off guard completely. My move was an email as I did not have her phone number and not actually seen her in several weeks. I pretty much said "I know you'll not be expecting this, but if you are not in a casual or serious relationship, would you consider going out with me. I have slight interest in you and would like to get to know you better. Her response was my approach was completely unexpected, she was flattered but then said I do have a serious boyfriend. But now my main concern with my actual social circles, where I go on my free, personal time, that I will find very few women that I would be interested in enough to want to date. I really do not consider online dating a viable option right now as I've had too many bad experiences (usually with scam artists or gold diggers using the cover of wanting to date as a preface to ask me for money) And before I asked this woman out, I literally had not asked out anyone, via any method in over three years.
I agree I will have more opportunities.; I just don't know where to find them or i pray it does not take 3-4 years for the next time I get interested in someone.

 

[bèlla]

But I did gain confidence (even just a little) in approaching and asking out a woman regardless of if I actually have a good chance. More importantly, something just snapped in my brain that finally allowed me to understand if I want to date, have a girlfriend and marry (which I feel called to because the thought of not marrying ever is not what my heart wants, not what I desire and is kinda terrrifying) then I am going to have to make the first move and ask her out.

Then it wasn't for naught and maybe the risk helped you conquer your fear. Next time will be easier.

But now my main concern with my actual social circles, where I go on my free, personal time, that I will find very few women that I would be interested in enough to want to date.

Can you shake things up? Go outside your comfort zone and try something new or you've put off to expand your circle? Have you looked for Christian groups that share your interests?

I really do not consider online dating a viable option right now as I've had too many bad experiences (usually with scam artists or gold diggers using the cover of wanting to date as a preface to ask me for money) And before I asked this woman out, I literally had not asked out anyone, via any method in over three years.

Online dating can work but it requires patience and perseverance. Meeting outside this space is preferable. I saw someone suggest the Orthodox church (on Twitter) as a viable source for single women. I don't know if that's true in all areas. But marriage is highly valued. And that's a good starting point.

I agree I will have more opportunities.; I just don't know where to find them or i pray it does not take 3-4 years for the next time I get interested in someone.

I doubt it will. Stay positive and nurture the confidence you've gained. If marriage is the goal then live with expectancy and start preparing. What do you need to address before she comes? Tackle it now. You'll feel productive and you're working towards your goal. You're not putting your life on hold until it happens. A proactive approach is best.

When I knew I wanted to marry and the Lord desired the same I took out my bucket list and drafted a new one that was marriage minded. I considered his wants and needs in my pursuits. I read 100 books on marriage written by Christians and several on relationships. I went beyond the niceties and looked at problems and how they overcame them.

I learned a lot about love and perseverance. I've learned how to listen and be silent. The importance of putting the other first and the power of words. I've learned how to lean on him and the Lord and how to encourage and affirm him.

Most importantly I learned not to quit. Keep loving, respecting, serving and honoring him. Difficult times will come but he's not my enemy. I've learned how to labor in prayer when things look bleak and how to be a help meet with the Lord's guidance. And I'm still learning.

You can do the same.

~bella

 

[christiansoccerplayer]

I have limited social circles because I have limited free time. In the town where I live, the only place I frequent (besides Walmart and the grocery store) is the gym... and we ALL know for the most part, that is a HARD place to find a date when it's not completely frowned upon. I spend weekends staying with family who live closer to larger city where I do attend church, hang out with my closest friend and play in my adult soccer league. None of that exists where I actually live and there is very, very few single people my age there. No, I have not found any Christian groups for my particular interests. My best friend did suggest speed dating. I think I might try that if I cannot find someone else to pursue.
I know I need to address physical appearance, finances (esp. debt) and overall confidence with women, which I like to think I gained a few points after my latest experience trying to go out with someone. I've read so many books, articles and watched videos on dating. relationships, marriage, etc. I don't know how much they have helped considering my last date was over 14 years ago. I've prayed alot , aloud, silently, and in written words but I still don't feel very encouraged. And I hate the fact I'm in my mid 40's (46) without any significant relationship experience. I guess this is my midlife crisis that started in my 30s. I won't give up but I just don't feel all that positive because the older you get, it's harder to date and I've even read something that said if you are not married (a first one) by 40, your chances of ever getting married are not great to very slim but I absolutely abhor the idea of being single for life. I just don't believe I can handle it.
IF (and that is a massive IF, the size of Mount Everest), I decide to give online dating yet another try, I will only use a Christian site as I doubt I will find any scammers (or I hope that is the case) but I would have to seriously desire dating experience to use OLD again.