Sex After the Loss of a Spouse - What Does the Bible Say?

[EvenIf]

Yet God did not reject His purpose for him.

Very true. Just as in our Christian life, God won’t reject us since Christ paid for our sins but the consequences of the sin will still be there.

 

[timothyu]

but the consequences of the sin will still be there.

Which is?

 

[EvenIf]

Which is?

Whatever the fall out would be. Sin has consequences. Example, you steal and God forgives you but that doesn’t mean you won’t go to jail.

 

[blackribbon]

Interesting that as usual, those who do are not experiencing this temptation are the ones who have all the advice on how do deal with this temptation. God at least understands that having sex removed from a happily married person's life can really be a problem (knows that some of us "burn") and offers a solution (marriage). Unfortunately, our society is no longer set up so that we can easily find those who might be good candidates. In prior times in history, we lived in close communities where you knew everyone including other widowed people as well as people who had never married. You knew their belief systems and their character well before you would decide to spend time together to determine if you might be a good match for marriage.

Since God invented sex to bond married people together in a deep form of intimacy, He knows what we go through when we suddenly lose this form of expression of love. I don't have an answer but at least, I believe that God is forgiving when we are weak and slip. I do not believe that means we pursue it without damaging our relationship with God in some ways. However, I do not believe that this means we lose our salvation or are damn to hell. It is just our temptation to address.

 

[EvenIf]

Interesting that as usual, those who do are not experiencing this temptation are the ones who have all the advice on how do deal with this temptation

I’ll assume you’re referring to me since you’re replying to me.

Please don’t assume I don’t feel these temptations. Besides that, I agree with most of your reply.

Jesus was tempted in all ways but He did not sin. We can be tempted and ask God to give us the strength to resist. It’s by no means easy and a constant struggle.

 

[timothyu]

We can be tempted and ask God to give us the strength to resist. It’s by no means easy and a constant struggle.

It's a matter of our dual hybrid nature. We can let the animal control us or we can focus on the spirit. The spirit generally sees the animal as a foolish vehicle. We are an interesting experiment of two clashing entities, one selfish and one selfless.

 

[blackribbon]

I’ll assume you’re referring to me since you’re replying to me.

Please don’t assume I don’t feel these temptations. Besides that, I agree with most of your reply.

Jesus was tempted in all ways but He did not sin. We can be tempted and ask God to give us the strength to resist. It’s by no means easy and a constant struggle.

My response was in general...to all threads everywhere where people are struggling with temptations and people who have never suffered that temptation respond with solutions that seldom show compassion. Struggling does not mean that we give in. It is just that...struggling. Some people struggle and fail...repent and are forgiven. However, Jesus struggled so that he could say "I get it and have felt the same". It isn't to same us for having these struggles.

I simply said that God will forgive if we fail in that struggle and come back to him.

Personally, I am not tempted as much now...but honestly, I think that the sexual side of me is sort of withering up and dying, not that the temptation is going away. I don't think that is really part of God's plan for what is best for us. He made us sexual beings.

 

[blackribbon]

I don't see sex as only selfish activity, especially for most women. It is a way they show their love to their husbands and it is a very vulnerable intimate situation where you allow another person access to enter your body. The temptation isn't to just have sex for sex's sake. It usually is a temptation to express love for another person. I don't think most Christian widows, or widowers at that, just want to have sex with a random person. It is more often trying to replace that missing piece of intimacy in our lives...even when a new relationship has not reached that point yet. In marriage, sex is how you increase intimacy or re-establish it when there has been stress in your marriage. I think it is looking to love and be loved again. That is how God designed us. It is not just a selfish act of personal gratification. I think having sex with someone after your loved one dies, isn't necessarily satisfying either but rather just ends up serving as a reminder than your spouse is gone and just how alone you really are. That doesn't mean that we stop feeling those feeling or craving what married sex once brought us...

 

[blackribbon]

timothyu....

How do you feel comfortable discussing how a widow or widower feels about sex? Did losing your wife for a few moments in the store give you sudden insight on what it feels like to have your beloved never come home and never warm your bed again? Have you gone ten years without having someone tell you that they love you or touching you in the intimate way that married people express their love?

Do you also advice women on how childbirth feels or what it is like to go through menopause? Do you have advice on how it feels to die? Our lives are not "theoretical" but realities. I can tell you that this life is nothing like I imagined it to be even when I knew my husband was dying (but still alive). You can't imagine what you think you'd feel or how you think you would respond. Giving advice or guidance on something that you really don't understand isn't very helpful and shows ignorance and arrogance on your part.

 

[timothyu]

Giving advice or guidance on something that you really don't understand isn't very helpful and shows ignorance and arrogance on your part.

Two wives have passed. Life goes on. The choice is to justify continuing living in the married frame of mind or moving on (in reality back to the days when we were free of such relationships and had more friends and enjoyment out of life)Saying husband or wife may answer what we are/were but does not say who we are. If we need a mate to self identify we are lost anyway. I fully sympathize and empathise with anyone suffering loss and feeling without purpose, but enabling anyone helps no one.

 

[blackribbon]

Two wives have passed. Life goes on. The choice is to justify continuing living in the married frame of mind or moving on (in reality back to the days when we were free of such relationships and had more friends and enjoyment out of life)Saying husband or wife may answer what we are/were but does not say who we are. If we need a mate to self identify we are lost anyway.

Why did you make a comparison to a widow desiring sex after her husband passed to losing your wife in a store IF you have been widowed twice? That doesn't make an sense.

And I didn't know I had a choice in this matter. I kind of feel like my choice was forced on me. How earth do you stay in a married frame of mind after your spouse dies? Moving on was the only option I ever saw. Obviously, you chose to keep having sex by getting married again (assuming that you are telling the truth that you are a widower). Well, that option has not been presented to me.

And I don't think I had more friends or had a better life before I was married. I actually liked being married. As for freer life now? Not likely since I had to become the breadwinner and both parents to our two kids. One me...twice the responsibilities. Nothing freer about that.

 

[blackribbon]

I lost my wife while Christmas shopping a few years back. It was an hour before i found her again but in that vacuum I had no desire to have sex.

But seriously of course society, especially in the US, will promote sex. It even lays down rules as to how many dates before you should feel obligated. But these are man's rules for man's purposes.

Now if a man is frustrated at your refusal to go along with his desires, then first of all he is not interested in you but what your flesh affords. Fail. But from your viewpoint I am sure age, loneliness, etc plays a part in prompting feelings you might not otherwise have. It's a catch 22 situation.

But ask yourself this. Is personal satisfaction ( the self serving rally cry of youth today) the immediate goal or is long term friendship, stability and the like. Which is more enduring, personal relationships or friendships that place no pressure to perform.

Remember when people didn't have sex until married. Was not the purpose so that they would build their marriage on other priorities first? Sex is the great confuser. Personally I think we should all revert to the days when we hung out in groups, enjoyed the company and left the ownership and commitment problems to the adults

Just for reference purposes.

 

[timothyu]

As for freer life now? Not likely since I had to become the breadwinner and both parents to our two kids. One me...twice the responsibilities. Nothing freer about that.

Been there. But although true at the time, age will change your options.

 

[timothyu]

Just for reference purposes.

I cannot be held responsible for others lack of a sense of humour.

 

[blackribbon]

Been there. But although true at the time, age will change your options.

Really? I find my options being limited over time. My body is wearing out, it is harder to earn money, and the older I get, the lower my chances of getting remarried.

 

[timothyu]

Really? I find my options being limited over time. My body is wearing out, it is harder to earn money, and the older I get, the lower my chances of getting remarried.

Perhaps God is hinting at changing directions instead of pursuing the old? We are not locked into this tradition.

 

[blackribbon]

Perhaps God is hinting at changing directions instead of pursuing the old? We are not locked into this tradition.

You have no idea of what you are talking about. (However, I am sort of locked into going to work because I like electricity and a toilet that flushes). My entire life is a gift from God. I live 1500 miles from my old life with my husband and I have a new degree and career path. I follow where God leads...

 

[timothyu]

You have no idea of what you are talking about.

I was referring to the relationship route.

 

[blackribbon]

I was referring to the relationship route.

And why would things suddenly change relationship-wise in my future? I don't bar hop. I don't do online dating. I don't consider actively pursuing men to be a good way to use the time God does give me. And I tend to work and volunteer with organizations that work with women and children with needs (not a lot of single men in these areas).

Which of these activities should I change because it is holding me back because it is unhealthy?

 

[timothyu]

Which of these activities should I change because it is holding me back because it is unhealthy?

Perhaps seeking a mate