Scared of going outside in case I get attacked

[Ruu]

I was raped about 2.5 years ago, and when growing up I suffered from a lot of mental abuse by one of my parents as well as child on child sexual abuse at the age of 5. All this has lead to me being on high allert at all times, constantly checking that no one is following me and being terrified of getting attacked by a stranger. Some days this gets so bad I'm scared to leave my apartment to go to the grocery store just a block away. I live in a very safe neighbourhood with just houses for students and a lot of families with children, so there's really nothing to be afraid of. Still I'm constantly scared and having panic attacks and dissociating.

My doctor and therapist tell me to just go outside despite my fear and this way desensitize myself to these situations, but I feel like they're making it sounds so much easier than it is. I don't want to be taking anxiety meds just to go outside.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this? Anyone who's been in a similar situation but gotten through it?

 

[Catherineanne]

I was raped about 2.5 years ago, and when growing up I suffered from a lot of mental abuse by one of my parents as well as child on child sexual abuse at the age of 5. All this has lead to me being on high allert at all times, constantly checking that no one is following me and being terrified of getting attacked by a stranger. Some days this gets so bad I'm scared to leave my apartment to go to the grocery store just a block away. I live in a very safe neighbourhood with just houses for students and a lot of families with children, so there's really nothing to be afraid of. Still I'm constantly scared and having panic attacks and dissociating.

My doctor and therapist tell me to just go outside despite my fear and this way desensitize myself to these situations, but I feel like they're making it sounds so much easier than it is. I don't want to be taking anxiety meds just to go outside.

Does anyone have any tips on how to deal with this? Anyone who's been in a similar situation but gotten through it?

I am the same. Sometimes I stay home. Sometimes I manage to go out, but I am never quite comfortable when I am outside; the anxiety varies from bad to really, really bad. I try to stay in my own comfort zone, because that minimises stress. Too much stress is not good for anyone. As Sheldon in Big Bang says, 'It is called the comfort zone for a reason!'

When you are dealing with trauma the rules of 'desensitising' do not work; desensitising works for phobias, but you don't have a phobia; you have (I suspect) avoidant behaviour because of past trauma. That is not a phobia; it is a normal reaction to abnormal events. Anyone who has been attacked by a tiger will want to avoid tigers; no amount of sitting in a tiger's cage will end up with them relaxed and happy. This is not about phobia; it is about natural responses to extreme events.

It may be that you have complex PTSD and are dissociative; it would fit with your history. This means that you are more likely to be retraumatised if you force yourself (or worse, you are forced by well meaning doctors) into a situation which causes high levels of triggering and stress. The most important factor for you now has to be control; you control when you go out, where you go, and how long you stay out. I cannot stress this highly enough; it can't be anyone else controlling you.

I think you would do best to ask for a trauma specialist to work with; one who will understand both the causes of trauma and the effects of trauma on the central nervous system. In the meantime read everything you can about complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders.

If you want a suggestion for a way forward I keep a 'to do' list for the week. I write on it anything that I think I need to achieve by the end of the week, but I don't always set a day because I can have good days and bad days. So you might write 'go to the shops' for the week, and then at some point, when you feel strong enough and the sun is shining, go for it. And make sure you give yourself a reward when you manage it; a small treat. And then when you get home, tick that item off the list, and relax. But always at your pace, and in your own time. If you don't do it one week, try the next, but don't worry; every day is different; every day is a new start.

I wish you well.

 

[vinsight4u]

Have you tried carrying some type of alarm device?
You can even get small ones in the kid spyware section.
Some of them all you do is slide a switch or pull a pin
out.

 

[Ruu]

Thank you both!

I've actually never thought about the possibility that I have C-PTSD, for some reason I thought that's only for people who have been held captive and tortured for long periods of time, but now that I've read more about it, it actually fits into growing up with a parent with severe mental disorders and substance abuse. Currently I'm seeing a therapist who specialises in eating disorder (one of my biggest issues in the past), and I really like working with her, I should probably be more clear about my fear of going outside not just being about having a panic attack in public, but of actually being attacked.

Also, I like the idea of doing a list for the whole week. I've sometimes done lists for a day, but giving myself just a day to finish certain things can often end in an anxiety attack which then makes me feel like I've failed. Having a whole week to do things would give me more room for bad days and axiety attacks.

I'm also going to look into where I can find one of those alarm devices! I've never actually thought about it, but that's something that would really help me feel safer when I'm around people.

 

[Catherineanne]

Thank you both!

I've actually never thought about the possibility that I have C-PTSD, for some reason I thought that's only for people who have been held captive and tortured for long periods of time, but now that I've read more about it, it actually fits into growing up with a parent with severe mental disorders and substance abuse. Currently I'm seeing a therapist who specialises in eating disorder (one of my biggest issues in the past), and I really like working with her, I should probably be more clear about my fear of going outside not just being about having a panic attack in public, but of actually being attacked.

Also, I like the idea of doing a list for the whole week. I've sometimes done lists for a day, but giving myself just a day to finish certain things can often end in an anxiety attack which then makes me feel like I've failed. Having a whole week to do things would give me more room for bad days and axiety attacks.

I'm also going to look into where I can find one of those alarm devices! I've never actually thought about it, but that's something that would really help me feel safer when I'm around people.

If you think about it, small children who are abused by their parents have the same experience as those held captive and tortured; neither group can escape; both are powerless for a prolonged period in the face of stronger, malevolent people. The conditions are very much in parallel.

A list for the day is not helpful to me, for exactly the reasons you say; it sets you up to fail. A week is manageable, and you can sometimes allocate particular jobs to particular days. I usually try to regard Mondays as Business Days; if I have a difficult letter to write (or indeed to read), or a bill to pay, I will often leave it to Monday. And Sundays are days off; whatever I have been doing the rest of the week I stop doing, and find something entirely different for Sunday, so that it works as a kind of punctuation to the week; a full stop (US a period). You can work out your own pattern like this; whatever works for you, as long as you are in control.

And an alarm is a very good idea.

 

[Mea_kākau]

I've actually never thought about the possibility that I have C-PTSD, for some reason I thought that's only for people who have been held captive and tortured for long periods of time, but now that I've read more about it, it actually fits into growing up with a parent with severe mental disorders and substance abuse. Currently I'm seeing a therapist who specialises in eating disorder (one of my biggest issues in the past), and I really like working with her, I should probably be more clear about my fear of going outside not just being about having a panic attack in public, but of actually being attacked.

Ruu,
It sounds like PTSD. Someone gets PTSD when their experience lies outside what is normal; combat, rape, witnessing death, childhood abuse, growing up in dysfunctional families where a parent suffers with a mental disorder and/or substance abuse, disasters such as hurricanes or tornadoes or terrorist attacks, etc.

I can relate to your avoidance of the outdoors.

My therapist told me something completely different. He told me to accept that I had chosen to stay indoors as that was better than labeling it as an anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, or something else or fighting against it. For the most part, that works for me. I tell myself it's a phase I'm going through right now.

Although, my phase started back in 2010 after my mother died. A flood of memories from my father's abuse and torture came to me.

There are certain times of the year which are more triggering for me, and no matter what, I'd rather not go outside. My father hunted for, kidnapped, and killed his victims during specific times of the year which were related to his profession. He took me along with him. For years I had nightmares that someone was going to kidnap me. This was before I remembered what happened to me.

 

[Mea_kākau]

It may be that you have complex PTSD and are dissociative; it would fit with your history. This means that you are more likely to be retraumatised if you force yourself (or worse, you are forced by well meaning doctors) into a situation which causes high levels of triggering and stress. The most important factor for you now has to be control; you control when you go out, where you go, and how long you stay out. I cannot stress this highly enough; it can't be anyone else controlling you.

Wow! Yes, this is exactly what my therapist told me. And he said to accept not wanting to go outside not judge yourself.