Relief at Separation?

[RedPonyDriver]

Am I the only one who is relieved to be separated? My marriage was an abusive, violent, emotionally crushing mess. We're separated now and I finally feel relieved. I'm glad to have the peaceful home I've wanted. I'm enjoying the solitude and not having to walk on eggshells, waiting for the next temper tantrum or sullen mood. I once again have my home, I can choose to do whatever I want (not talking about men), watch whatever I want on TV, eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat and have no real responsibilities to anyone except my pets.

Just wanted to know if I was "abnormal" here....

 

[dayhiker]

Hi Red,
Welcome to CF. I'm glad your here.

That wasn't my situation but I have heard many people feel a great burden lived from then once they were away from their marriage. So you aren't alone. Some feel quite a bit of guilt over having that feeling. But I love that you aren't feeling any guilty but enjoying all the relief from that burden you had to carry for too long.

 

[bethrow]

You aren't the only one.
Many women feel relief to be out of an abusive relationship where they can breathe easier.
I'm glad that you are happy and safe.

 

[DZoolander]

Some marriages are just crap, and it's no surprise to feel a sense of relief when you're away from it.

 

[ValleyGal]

When my mom first left my dad, she got a little apartment and cooked (and ate) cabbage and onions so much I thought her place would permanently absorb the odors. My father did not like the smell of either of those, so she was deprived for the whole 30 years of their marriage - except that she was still expected to cook fish for him, which she could not stand the smell of. Yes, I would say mom was very relieved when she left.

A huge part of the relief is not just the little things like eating what you like or watching what you want on tv....it's also about your physiology. If you are in an abusive marriage, you are always in a stress response - fight, flight, or freeze. Your awareness is heightened, blood pressure up, escalated heart rate, etc, so when you are not in that triggering environment anymore, you have relief from heightened physiological response, which possibly heightens your awareness of what is "normal" for you, perceived as relief. Yes, all very normal.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

When my mom first left my dad, she got a little apartment and cooked (and ate) cabbage and onions so much I thought her place would permanently absorb the odors. My father did not like the smell of either of those, so she was deprived for the whole 30 years of their marriage - except that she was still expected to cook fish for him, which she could not stand the smell of. Yes, I would say mom was very relieved when she left.

A huge part of the relief is not just the little things like eating what you like or watching what you want on tv....it's also about your physiology. If you are in an abusive marriage, you are always in a stress response - fight, flight, or freeze. Your awareness is heightened, blood pressure up, escalated heart rate, etc, so when you are not in that triggering environment anymore, you have relief from heightened physiological response, which possibly heightens your awareness of what is "normal" for you, perceived as relief. Yes, all very normal.

Maybe that's why I'm so tired all the time. I swear I could sleep for days on end. There are still stresses...I was in a car accident a week ago and I'm dealing with insurance adjusters and the body shop, getting used to a new city, new kittens (less than 4 collective lbs of destruction), and all that, but it's NOT nearly as stressful as living with him.

As far as food goes...I'm a very simple sort. I make a big pot of beans (navy, red and garbanzo) in the crock pot, a pot of rice, a little cheese, salsa and sour cream and I'm good for a week.

I'm reaching the point where I am enjoying life again. I talk to my brothers regularly, Skype w/the nieces and nephews a few times a week, and I'm seriously considering buying another car as a daily driver so I can take the wrecked one off the road and go have fun in the garage with it...all things I couldn't do before.

 

[DZoolander]

So what kinda stuff you do with your car? Paxton/Vortech supercharger? Gear changes? etc?

 

[RedPonyDriver]

So what kinda stuff you do with your car? Paxton/Vortech supercharger? Gear changes? etc?

IF I buy another car (that's not an upgrade from what I have), I'm thinking a full engine swap from a 4.6 to a 5.4 or 5.7, 4.10 gears in the rear end, stuff like that. I don't like superchargers or turbos, I'm old-school that way.

However, I'm seriously considering finding an old Nova and going full out on it...350, Holley 850 on top, 9in posi on the back...

We'll see. I can do the mechanical stuff but I stink at body work.

 

[bp88]

My wife went out of town two weekends ago, and it was bliss. As soon as she came back and th arguments and her do nothing, wait on me behavior started again, it was back to tensions and stress. Now that I know that my accusations of cheating were completely accurate, I feel very justified in longing for a permanent separation so I can give myself a break to collapse emotionally and mourn her cheating. So, yes, that seems totally normal, and I would welcome the same relief.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I moved in September...after I got done w/all his court stuff and he had time to get what he wanted out of the house. Put my stuff in storage and started househunting. Moved into my new place at the beginning of this month...a new place, a new start. The house is WAY too big for me but I like having a house. It's prize winning feature was the three car garage. More than enough room for projects, engine blocks, furniture that needs refinishing...it's good.

I took a job and moved to another state since I know that if he follows me here I can have him arrested for probation violation...it's working.

 

[DZoolander]

IF I buy another car (that's not an upgrade from what I have), I'm thinking a full engine swap from a 4.6 to a 5.4 or 5.7, 4.10 gears in the rear end, stuff like that. I don't like superchargers or turbos, I'm old-school that way.

However, I'm seriously considering finding an old Nova and going full out on it...350, Holley 850 on top, 9in posi on the back...

We'll see. I can do the mechanical stuff but I stink at body work.

That's cool. I like superchargers over turbos. Used to have a 94 GT 5.0 - with a vortech supercharger, changed the gears out, blah blah blah, etc... Only mistake I made was not getting the fittings/seals set for the pounds I was pushing through it w/the supercharger (figured I'd be careful and just save that for later...but didn't end up being careful).

 

[Pepperoni]

Am I the only one who is relieved to be separated? My marriage was an abusive, violent, emotionally crushing mess. We're separated now and I finally feel relieved. I'm glad to have the peaceful home I've wanted. I'm enjoying the solitude and not having to walk on eggshells, waiting for the next temper tantrum or sullen mood. I once again have my home, I can choose to do whatever I want (not talking about men), watch whatever I want on TV, eat what I want to eat, when I want to eat and have no real responsibilities to anyone except my pets.

Just wanted to know if I was "abnormal" here....

Similar situation. I was relieved too. Still am, a year and a half post-divorce. Some things linger though . . . when I hear the garage door (and these days it's just my teen coming home), I occasionally still have that overwhelming sense of panic or dread or . . . I can't really describe it. Just that sense of apprehension. It's a lot less than it used to be, but I wonder when/if it will ever truly stop.

 

[Fangtastic]

Well, I am seeking separation but not relieved to be asking it. I think every situation is different but I can really see your situation as being key to your own happiness.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I've gotten used to it...the solitude. Its just me and my furkids...2 dogs, 2 kittens. They keep me grounded and at home...can't be gone for too long because I gotta care for the critters. I'm making friends, getting involved with a local car club, going to race for the first time in a long time next weekend...can't wait.

 

[Fangtastic]

Good for you

 

[DZoolander]

You actually grow to enjoy it. I liked my time being single - and as we've discussed on this forum before - if I suddenly found myself single again I'd remain so (wouldn't remarry again).

 

[dayhiker]

RedPonyDriver .. glad your getting out. Sounds very healthy.