Question about transracial adoption

[OnederWoman]

When we married 9 years ago we from the beginning knew we'd one day adopt. Now we are thinking the time may have come. Over the holidays our hearts were touched with concern for all the children in the world who need a family and we started praying about if now is the time to adopt for us. We found a specific child on our states dhs adoption site. He is a 6 year old black child with allergies and a heart mermur. He does have siblings, 2 older (who are in a seperate foster family due to emotional problems) and one younger (a 4 year old girl). We are not feeling like we can or should adopt the others... due to house size, income and just knowing what we can and cannot handle. We think that the youngest may have a chance on her own and that people may be scared of taking all or even 2 siblings because of the one with the heart murmer. Heart mermurs aren't always a big deal, but people may see that and be scared away from it. DH's Dad was born with a heart condition and this in part is why we think we feel drawn to the child. And, having an allergy child of our own, we are already very broken in to dealing with allergy and asthma issues. DH is gung hoe and all for it, but I have some practical concerns. For one, the area we live in is predominantly white... 95% at last census (though the area is growing quickly and slowly becoming more racially diverse). There are not yet any black children at ds's school. A teenager I know (who does office work at my chiropractors) says there are only 3 black kids at her highschool, there are a handful of asians and indians and a good number of hispanics there. There is a little more diversity in a nearby city (20 minutes away) so, though we can't move there (just having bought this house 2 months ago) we may look for a racially diverse church (or a black church) there. Then there is the extended family... none would purposefully say anything mean to a black child and would most likely do their best to be accepting, but they do have prejudices and it may affect their ability to be as open and welcoming as we might hope for. (though we would pray for their hearts to change and for them to see that racism isn't something God approves of). We are not willing to break realationships with our family... and an article I read at adoption.com about transracial families and dealing with extended family said we shouldn't, and that families can work and thrive despite outside prejudices. Then there is the fact that we have been trying to get pregnant for 7 months (I don't think I'm pg this month either, but I don't know until next week when af is due). I've really wanted to get pg for this past year and we've talked about us putting that on hold until we go through adopting and our little family grows by one and has time to adjust first. But it kinda makes me sad to put trying on hold. But then there are some positive points to waiting. Since I've been on Prometrium the past few months I've really been dropping some pounds.... and people are noticing. It feels good to be losing weight and dh and I are talking about the benefits of waiting so I can continue to lose weight and be as healthy as possible before I do get pg. I am scheduled to start clomid in January, but we can hold it off if we decide to. I'm not O-ing with Prometrium and Glucophage (I have PCOS), but the combo seems to be just what I need to be able to lose weight and maybe with dropping some pounds I can O without clomid? We are looking at waiting 6-8 months before actively ttc again. I just think how in 6 months I'll be 31 and how awfully old that is

But, not being pg while going through the process of adoption would help with stress levels (with ds I have preeclampsia and mil is concerned for my health). I just want to whatever is Gods will for me and my family. When dh and I were discouraged with some of the responces from family and almost gave up the idea altogether I began to get really sad and feel almost like I'm losing a child and leaving him to the harsh world to fend for himself. Even ds, who at first was excited (he's been asking fro a brother for 2 years) and then got concerned that we might love the new kid better or that the new kid might take all his toys turned around when we told him we may not adopt after all. He almost cried and said that he loved the boy and wanted him as his brother.

Some thoughts, opinions and suggestions are welcomed.

 

[desi]

If you think its what God wants you to do you should do it and know you are doing humanity, and Jesus, a great service by giving this kid a chance at life with a terrific family.

 

[retooferab]

Hi!

I worked in child welfare for over ten years and am a parent myself.

First a word of caution: the race issue is very big and difficult to handle, but probably not as big as the emotional issues brought by this child. Even the most loving and capable (and Christian) parents have been absolutely overwhelmed by the behaviors of adopted children... and the brief background you provided regarding siblings is enough to consider yourself warned. However, in my experience, most parents are not warned enough. There is no way to know the impact these abused and neglected children will bring to your family. They are almost always developmentally delayed in the areas of trust and affectioin, communication, emotions, etc, and that combination is extremely challenging to parent. (Heck, parenting is really tough anytime!) This can get very scarey with biological children also in the home.

Second, a word of encouragement: All things are possible with God. And don't ignore the resources God provides for you in the form of formal and informal supports. The agency I worked for had an Adoption Preservation program that was very effective at keeping adoptive families together that were at their wits end. Knowledge and encouragement from experts can be helpful. Praying and loving are not enough by themselves... but continual reliance on God and the resources He provides can make it possible to raise this child.

Thank God for you that you are considering adoption! Remember adoption is an "add option." All the best to you!

 

[Watcher-for-your-soul]

You've listed an awful lot of issues here, the least of which are probably the heart murmer and allergies. I can share our recent experience with you to see if it helps any.

You've made it clear you want God's will for your family so I am writing with the knowledge that you believe God has a plan for every family. In our case, I'm 48, my wife 40. We have been married for 13 years. Going into 2003 we had known for some time that we would have a child coming into our family. Without going into extensive details suffice it to say we knew it would not be an infant (we're not getting any younger), would not be the same race as us, would be a girl, and would come to us because of a great need. This had been in our heart for over a year as of August.

The first part of August, the children's pastors of our church came to us with information about a 9 year old mexican-american girl, whose entire life had been dominated by adults who had neglected, abused and mistreated her. She has two siblings, one sister 15, one brother 28. All had different fathers, and all had been through the foster system different times. She was at the time living with her brother and sister in law. The sister in law's treatment of her was hideous, telling people that she did not want this girl "breathing the same air" as her kids. You can imagine what the child's life was like. She had serious developmental delays and was only entering the 3rd grade at nearly 10 years old. When I was told about her, I called my wife and within 10 minutes we had committed to pursue a course of action with her. All without seeing or meeting her. Stupid? Yes. IF you had not known all along this is the type child you were waiting on. She was not interacted with as an infant and small child and not placed in school until she was over 7. When she was first brought to public school for evaluation, she was thought to be retarded, nearly blind and deaf, none of which turned out to be the case. She simply did not know how to respond as a normal 7 year old so she remained silent or just spoke with one or two words when spoken to. She was in both group and individual secular therapy (court ordered) for "antisocial and aggressive" behavior and several "disorders".

We set up a way to meet her by going to a kid's pool party, and in no time were playing with her and throwing her up in the air. A week later we met with the brother, and at the end of the meeting had an agreement for us to take her into our custody. I will not go into all details here, but we now have legal custody of her, and intend to adopt which in her case could be rather complicated because parental rights have not been terminated. The presumed biological father's whereabouts have not been known for three years and her biological mother is in prison. Both have been fugitives in Mexico for several years.

Here is her story with us. At first, it was a little rocky. As expected, there were times of anger, and a little meanness, but she was for all practical purposes a good kid. She was locked into the drab way she did her hair, dressed, and everything else, because she did not know anything else. So, one of the first things we did was begin to change her image of herself by making positive, Biblical declarations daily and wrestling her into changing her hair, clothes and the way she carried herself. We got legal custody of her with no stipulations and immediately took her out of therapy.

It is now 4 and one half months into our custody of her.
Here is how things are going.
Her teachers call her progress "remarkable".
When she came to us she would be physically described as cute. She is now beautiful.
She responds clearly to people addressing her, is outgoing, friendly, and readily hugs people she gets to know.
I work on the pastoral staff of a good sized church and she sits on the front row with me (her choice) with a dress on and her hair done beautifully.
She writes down all the Bible passages and PowerPoint sentences as the preaching goes on.
She enters easily into praise and worship.
She calls my wife and I Mom and Dad, we introduce her as our daughter, and she is the joy of our life.
As to her behavior, I don't know any kids in any kind of home that are better behaved on a day to day basis.

We still have a long road ahead to help her catch up developmentally and educationally, but in spite of her neglect, foster home placement, living with the mental abuse of her sister in law, and her developmental delay, she was just a great kid waiting for somebody to love her and give her a secure family life. We are confident that with a lot of work, she will be capable of remarkable things in life. What would she have been if she had grown on into her teenage years as she was?

Here are few guidelines to go by:
*Don't take any child to "give them a home". Only take a child you believe belongs with you for your family. It should be as much of a joy for you as it is a blessing for them.
*Don't even consider adopting the siblings if you really only feel that the one child is the one that belongs in your family.
*You can overcome the racial thing as you go, but have to understand the reality of it. People will come up without much sensitivity and say "now who's this" and look very confused when you tell them. They don't mean any harm and will get over it. Some folks will not accept it no matter what.
*You will have to be ready for developmental delays, though at 6 you will have a better chance of catching this child up quicker if that is the case.
*Emotional and behavioral problems obviously can be genetic, but they can be genetic in loving families as well. That's a gamble that anybody takes, but if you are observant and catch certain behaviors when they pop up, many can be overcome as with most any child.
*Few adoptions are a result of ideal situations, with ideal kids, with ideal behavior.
*If you decide to take the child, be ready with a strategy for education, socialization, and finance.
*People many times go into custody and adoption with warm, fuzzy expectations and are crushed when the child does not respond accordingly. Don't over-expect from your child. Bad or hateful behavior is not about you. It's about them working out the same kind of stuff every kid has to work out in their lives.
*If this is a child you are supposed to have in your family, don't complicate it by piling too many issues on top of it. Just do it and let it become part of life. We made the decision to pursue our child in ten minutes. If we had considered every issue in our life before doing it, we never would have done it.

That's a condensed version of our story as it is now. Every day is an adventure, but every day and every struggle is well worth the joy of having our daughter. Hope this helps some way in your situation.

 

[retooferab]

Hello, again. Watcher-for-your-soul has offered excellent real-life experience, and there's nothing like that. I hope Watcher continues to update us on his family's adoptive experiences... I'm sure there's much more to come. Just to clarify on one issue, from what I've seen, most special needs adoptive children have far more than "the kind of stuff every kid has to work out" to deal with. Most need much love and both human and divine intervention to succeed in the long term. When I was training future foster and adoptive parents, we used a guided imagery with two different babies growing up. The poverty-stricken, abused and neglected baby with no father and a drug dependent mother... from womb through every day of its existence has inconceivable "stuff" to work out. Please follow God's will, and do it with your eyes wide open.

What I write may seem like a downer, or academic, or whatever. But I am writing for the love of the children. I WANT them adopted... AND KEPT! I have seen adoptive parents reject their adopted children after months or even years because they don't know how to deal with their behaviors and emotions, or the child becomes a threat to biological family. These are emotions and behavior disorders that are not genetic, but easily seen as products of their horrific environments. It takes a long time to un-do that, and no gambler would play those odds! (None of these parents would believe it if they were told they'd eventually reject their adoptive child, but that rejection is nearly impossible to overcome.)

Also, to Watcher-for-your-soul, I hope you are allowing your child to maintain some sense of identity with her native culture and family. Who your child is, her identity, can not be dismissed in order for you to make her fit in with your life and family. Please keep us informed!

 

[Watcher-for-your-soul]

Hello, again. Watcher-for-your-soul has offered excellent real-life experience, and there's nothing like that. I hope Watcher continues to update us on his family's adoptive experiences... I'm sure there's much more to come. Just to clarify on one issue, from what I've seen, most special needs adoptive children have far more than "the kind of stuff every kid has to work out" to deal with. Most need much love and both human and divine intervention to succeed in the long term. When I was training future foster and adoptive parents, we used a guided imagery with two different babies growing up. The poverty-stricken, abused and neglected baby with no father and a drug dependent mother... from womb through every day of its existence has inconceivable "stuff" to work out. Please follow God's will, and do it with your eyes wide open.

What I write may seem like a downer, or academic, or whatever. But I am writing for the love of the children. I WANT them adopted... AND KEPT! I have seen adoptive parents reject their adopted children after months or even years because they don't know how to deal with their behaviors and emotions, or the child becomes a threat to biological family. These are emotions and behavior disorders that are not genetic, but easily seen as products of their horrific environments. It takes a long time to un-do that, and no gambler would play those odds! (None of these parents would believe it if they were told they'd eventually reject their adoptive child, but that rejection is nearly impossible to overcome.)

Also, to Watcher-for-your-soul, I hope you are allowing your child to maintain some sense of identity with her native culture and family. Who your child is, her identity, can not be dismissed in order for you to make her fit in with your life and family. Please keep us informed!

Just to clarify here. Like I said, she is Mexican-American. She is a US born citizen and she has been raised in the US. (Texas and Arkansas). Her mother is Mexican and her presumed biological father (when she was taken from the parents, he was on the run and refused a dna test) is caucasian though she is very dark skinned. Her siblings are local and they have contact with her.

And make no mistake about it, for 2 of the 3 years she was in therapy, it was definitely needed. We got her out because it had become counter-productive. When we got her, she was still in therapy twice weekly because the sister in law used it as a place to get rid of her a couple of times per week.

When she was 7 years old, she couldn't communicate adequately and the only way she knew to get what she wanted from other kids was to attack them. It took a concentrated effort from school teachers, guidance counselors, and therapists to keep her emotionally restrained enough not to hurt other kids. And the treatment by her sister in law was going on during this time. My reference to "working things out" was not intended to lighten the severe emotional scars of special needs children, nor was it a reference to them. Just an encouragement for adoptive parents not to take "normal" childish behavior personally. When that happens the parents become tense, and the situation is destined to deteriorate. When our daughter "acted out" in the first weeks with us, we didn't react, nor did we allow the behavior to continue. It's worked out pretty well so far. Past that, I don't have the expertise to comment on the horrific things that some adoptive parents go through with children.

The point of my post in a nutshell was:
*Be sure by prayer and careful consideration that this is the child that belongs with your family.
*Have a strategy for raising the child going in. We have no delusions about what could surface as a teenager even though she has turned into a loving child. Every day is strategized to be as sure as possible that the ten years of her life she has spent neglected and mistreated don't surface as rage in her teenage years. That includes our personal interaction with her, her education, her church, and some stimulating Christian teenagers who understand their role in helping us lead her into her teenage years.
*Don't pile a ton of other issues on it once you decide a child belongs with you. There will never be a "perfect" time or situation.

 

[retooferab]

Thanks, Watcher! All the best to you and your family!

 

[OnederWoman]

Found out we are pregnant today!!! EDD 9-10-04

Not sure what to do now.... will be doing a lot of praying for sure.

Not ready to say we will just give up on adoption because we're pg... but want to make sure we do what God wants. (we are calling the social worker tomorrow to find out if our pregnancy will afect our ability to adopt).

 

[Judilyn]

Hi,

Congrats on your pregnancy. How exciting.

My Dh and I have 3 children. Pur youngest is a biracial child. We adopted her through the state foster care system. She is a joy in our lives. We too live in a very small rural town. I can honestly say the race has never been an issue for heralthough it was a major concern of ours. We have always been sure to make her aware of her full heritage. We are also blessed to have friends who are have bi-racial children.

However the sibling thing can be a problem. Our daughter has 5 older brothers and sisters that have all been adopted into other families. She has contact with them because I know how important that is to her well being. However having them in close contact has not always been easy due to their emotional probems.

PLease PM me if you want to talk. I know of another wonderful forum that deals with adoption/fostering. I can give you the address and my e-mail.

God Bless