Hello, I'm a Christian of one year. I grew up Catholic and was lost for several years. I felt God calling me and was seeking a church. I finally found one about a year ago in my commuity due to a street fair. I felt like it was God's will. However the feeling that I have been getting from this church for the past 6 months or so has been increasingly negative. I feel stuck, like the enemy is playing tricks on me. And I'm stuck with the question, should I stay or go? It's been plaguing me for over 6 months and has prevented me from getting more involved in my church. Below is an excerpt from my blog, that describes my situaion. Any advice would be so deeply appreciated. 
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Frustration. Its one of the hardest human emotions to deal with. Ive dealt with heartbreak, betrayal, sadness, shame. But frustration takes the grand prize. Im so frustrated Im having a hard time expressing or even understanding my frustration. Ive been trying to walk with God, and Ive been at the same church for about a year. But Ive had such a strong desire to leave this particular church and I dont know why. Part of me thinks I need to be strong and stay, while another part of me yearns for a church where I really feel at home. As a result of these mixed emotions, Ive drifted in and out for over six months.
I feel like God wants me there but then I feel a strong desire to leave. Most of the people who attend come across to me as genuinely interested in a sense of community and God. Others are arrogant, highly judgmental, and hypocritical. Who am I to judge them? But I cant help but feel like Im walking up a steep hill with bricks attached to my arms and legs for no good reason.
For example, I had an incident with a woman and so called believer. Lets call her Jessica. A few months ago, I was in a place in my lfie where I needed some guidance. I was having issues at home, constant fighting, and needed someone to talk to. Recently Ive been learning about how to walk in love. A few months back, however, I was seeking justice for myself and felt very angry and confused. The devil was attacking many areas of my life.
I approached Jessica and mentioned my situation. My mother and I had gotten into a fight, she has been cold and verbally abusive to me for years. As a result of the depression and frustration I was harboring in my heart, I lashed out verbally. My situation felt hopeless, so much fighting and not a way out since I was two semesters away from graduation. She offered to take me to her house and speak with me.
As I entered her house, she was very harsh and criticized me for making excuses for continuing to fight with her. She explained to me in a very child-like manner that relationships are like forming gardens, we have to carefully tend to each part at a time. I explained to her that I understood but that this is an ongoing issue and my mother has no consideration for my feelings. She insited to drive her point and belittled me. Because she was Christian, and she had accepted me into her home, I replied respecfully, I understand but- She responded, No I dont think you understand. Was this really a way for a Christian woman to encourage someone to love?
When I explained to her that I felt stuck because Im not working and in college, she told me that I could get a job and move out. She mocked me for thinking my life was hard, that I was taking 15 credits, doing an internship, and travelling from East Harlem to Brooklyn. Perhaps she was right, I am privileged to be in school without having to pay rent and many people work full time and go to college. But to me it seemed like she did so out of spite and almost jealousy. I felt so overcome with rage that I had to leave. I didnt speak to her for two weeks. Finally she apologized and I accepted.
I continue to see her at church and feel her negativity. I invited my 9 year old sister to church and Jessica runs the childrens club. Within 15 minutes my siter was crying because a boy cursed at her. It wasnt until I went to Jessica that she repremaided the young boy. There was a twinkle in her eye and a slight smirk. Was this woman really enjoying this?
Today was the last straw. I volunteered at a 3 day day camp for children. Yesterday I managed the registration table. its been a while since Ive had a job and it felt good to help out and talk to people. I handled all the paperwork, and surprised Jessica with my competence. After the day was done she thanked everyone but refused to look at me. The next day I brought my sister. Jessica purposely waited 15 minutes before givign me an assignment/ Finallys he told me this time Id be in the feild helping out the counselors. When she had a circle meeting, she exculded me. I had to follow her and ask her 4 times what my group was.
My spirit wanted to leave but I didnt want to be rude. I also wanted to set a good example and subdue my non-Christian emotions. I stayed and just hung around and watched the kids. I made some younger kid friends and sat with them when they were eating lunch. Jessica purposely sent someone to ask us to move. Toward the end I left early because my spirit was bursting with an overwhelming feeling to leave. I was disgusted and overwhelmed. Im pretty sensitive, but I havent felt this way before. I felt like the holy spirit was guiding me out of there.
On my way out I spoke to another believer and mentor, lets call him Michael. Michael is an academic and social worker. He began to ask me about my career an I told him that I wanted to go to The New School for Media Studies to study media. He mocked me, joking at how liberal that school was. He began to ask me about my major, what I was working on, etc and began to compare himself to me. It seemed like he was trying to size up my intelligence and potential. I hate that feeling because im a creative and talented individual, but am at a crossroads in my life where Im switching gears. Im sensitive about talking about my aspirations.
He then asked me if I would be there tomorrow. I said most likely. He laughed and criticized me for being ficke in the church.. He asked me if I was going to attend other events, I said maybe. (I was being honest.) I exclaimed jokingly its the summer! He responded in jest, so youre going to stop being a Christian?
I found that extremely distasteful. Being a Christian isnt solely dependent on what meetings you go to, its your belief in Christ. I do admit, Ive been fickle but its because of the energy Ive been feeling in the church. Negativity, hypocritical. When I stop going, my guilt kicks in. I cant make out what God wants me to do. Today my overwhelming desire to leave felt divinely guided. Perhaps I should seek out a new church. It pains me to go because Ive established myself there and people know me there. However it seems like every time Ive tried to get involved in these examples, and in other instances, I become disgusted and disheartened with peoples attitudes.
Jesus didnt concern himself with others opinions, neither did Paul. But I cant shake this negative influence in my life. I move from rage to guilt to submission to rage. The only thing thats kept me there is the fear and guilt that Im letting my sinful nature get in the way of being a good Christian and having fellowship with others.
Lately Ive been eliminating people and situations in my life that havent been in integrity, or feel like they are draining me spiritually and emotionally. Is it time for me to move on once and for all and trust that God will lead me somewhere new?
------------
Frustration. Its one of the hardest human emotions to deal with. Ive dealt with heartbreak, betrayal, sadness, shame. But frustration takes the grand prize. Im so frustrated Im having a hard time expressing or even understanding my frustration. Ive been trying to walk with God, and Ive been at the same church for about a year. But Ive had such a strong desire to leave this particular church and I dont know why. Part of me thinks I need to be strong and stay, while another part of me yearns for a church where I really feel at home. As a result of these mixed emotions, Ive drifted in and out for over six months.
I feel like God wants me there but then I feel a strong desire to leave. Most of the people who attend come across to me as genuinely interested in a sense of community and God. Others are arrogant, highly judgmental, and hypocritical. Who am I to judge them? But I cant help but feel like Im walking up a steep hill with bricks attached to my arms and legs for no good reason.
For example, I had an incident with a woman and so called believer. Lets call her Jessica. A few months ago, I was in a place in my lfie where I needed some guidance. I was having issues at home, constant fighting, and needed someone to talk to. Recently Ive been learning about how to walk in love. A few months back, however, I was seeking justice for myself and felt very angry and confused. The devil was attacking many areas of my life.
I approached Jessica and mentioned my situation. My mother and I had gotten into a fight, she has been cold and verbally abusive to me for years. As a result of the depression and frustration I was harboring in my heart, I lashed out verbally. My situation felt hopeless, so much fighting and not a way out since I was two semesters away from graduation. She offered to take me to her house and speak with me.
As I entered her house, she was very harsh and criticized me for making excuses for continuing to fight with her. She explained to me in a very child-like manner that relationships are like forming gardens, we have to carefully tend to each part at a time. I explained to her that I understood but that this is an ongoing issue and my mother has no consideration for my feelings. She insited to drive her point and belittled me. Because she was Christian, and she had accepted me into her home, I replied respecfully, I understand but- She responded, No I dont think you understand. Was this really a way for a Christian woman to encourage someone to love?
When I explained to her that I felt stuck because Im not working and in college, she told me that I could get a job and move out. She mocked me for thinking my life was hard, that I was taking 15 credits, doing an internship, and travelling from East Harlem to Brooklyn. Perhaps she was right, I am privileged to be in school without having to pay rent and many people work full time and go to college. But to me it seemed like she did so out of spite and almost jealousy. I felt so overcome with rage that I had to leave. I didnt speak to her for two weeks. Finally she apologized and I accepted.
I continue to see her at church and feel her negativity. I invited my 9 year old sister to church and Jessica runs the childrens club. Within 15 minutes my siter was crying because a boy cursed at her. It wasnt until I went to Jessica that she repremaided the young boy. There was a twinkle in her eye and a slight smirk. Was this woman really enjoying this?
Today was the last straw. I volunteered at a 3 day day camp for children. Yesterday I managed the registration table. its been a while since Ive had a job and it felt good to help out and talk to people. I handled all the paperwork, and surprised Jessica with my competence. After the day was done she thanked everyone but refused to look at me. The next day I brought my sister. Jessica purposely waited 15 minutes before givign me an assignment/ Finallys he told me this time Id be in the feild helping out the counselors. When she had a circle meeting, she exculded me. I had to follow her and ask her 4 times what my group was.
My spirit wanted to leave but I didnt want to be rude. I also wanted to set a good example and subdue my non-Christian emotions. I stayed and just hung around and watched the kids. I made some younger kid friends and sat with them when they were eating lunch. Jessica purposely sent someone to ask us to move. Toward the end I left early because my spirit was bursting with an overwhelming feeling to leave. I was disgusted and overwhelmed. Im pretty sensitive, but I havent felt this way before. I felt like the holy spirit was guiding me out of there.
On my way out I spoke to another believer and mentor, lets call him Michael. Michael is an academic and social worker. He began to ask me about my career an I told him that I wanted to go to The New School for Media Studies to study media. He mocked me, joking at how liberal that school was. He began to ask me about my major, what I was working on, etc and began to compare himself to me. It seemed like he was trying to size up my intelligence and potential. I hate that feeling because im a creative and talented individual, but am at a crossroads in my life where Im switching gears. Im sensitive about talking about my aspirations.
He then asked me if I would be there tomorrow. I said most likely. He laughed and criticized me for being ficke in the church.. He asked me if I was going to attend other events, I said maybe. (I was being honest.) I exclaimed jokingly its the summer! He responded in jest, so youre going to stop being a Christian?
I found that extremely distasteful. Being a Christian isnt solely dependent on what meetings you go to, its your belief in Christ. I do admit, Ive been fickle but its because of the energy Ive been feeling in the church. Negativity, hypocritical. When I stop going, my guilt kicks in. I cant make out what God wants me to do. Today my overwhelming desire to leave felt divinely guided. Perhaps I should seek out a new church. It pains me to go because Ive established myself there and people know me there. However it seems like every time Ive tried to get involved in these examples, and in other instances, I become disgusted and disheartened with peoples attitudes.
Jesus didnt concern himself with others opinions, neither did Paul. But I cant shake this negative influence in my life. I move from rage to guilt to submission to rage. The only thing thats kept me there is the fear and guilt that Im letting my sinful nature get in the way of being a good Christian and having fellowship with others.
Lately Ive been eliminating people and situations in my life that havent been in integrity, or feel like they are draining me spiritually and emotionally. Is it time for me to move on once and for all and trust that God will lead me somewhere new?
I prayed about it and made up my mind to leave the church I was at. While logically it felt so right, there was this nagging feeling in the back of my mind, like God had put me there for a reason. I kept wondering, why? Why am I here? 
