Please help and prayer. Good husband, except for inappropriate content addiction

[JanCS]

Hello, I really need support, advice and mostly, prayer.
I've been with my husband since we were teens and had been good friends for years before. We have a 7 yo son together. I've always been a Catholic, he was an atheist. The first years of living together together were difficult. We even separated for a full year. When we got back together he begun to go to church (it was good own choice) and confessed that the problem we had before were because he had a life long inappropriate content addiction that even escalated to having a sexual affair. I learned all of this by his confession when he became a christian 5 years ago.
Now, he has been a much better spouse since he started attending Church and we even married by the church 4 years ago. He now belongs to a few church groups and is considered a leader in them.

He is also a good provider, the problem is that, even though he has had therapy and inappropriate content / sex addiction support inside and outside the church... inappropriate content and the lies that come with it WON'T EVER STOP. I just cannot stand lies and he knows it!! Why does he lie when he has seen a thousand times that it hurts me and our marriage so much???!!! As far as I now... he hasn't had affairs after his conversion to Christ. He even asked me to search for and install an accountability app in his devices to help him overcome inappropriate content addiction.

The thing is that last night I saw something weird in his accountability report and asked him about it. It turns out he stopped visiting inappropriate content sites but has male relatives that share a lot of inappropriate content in their social media and now my husband has access to the content through their profiles. In ocassions he blocks the pages and I've seen he does in his accounts, but more he is actually reaching for the content. He always promises to confess when he falls into temptation but 80% of the time is ME who finds out through the accountability app and that makes me so angry. I can help and support him in his addiction because I am certain that he is treating it and going to groups and therapy. But I just can't stand one more lie. I feel less and less valuable and as if he doesn't respect me at all. It makes me wonder if he even truly loves me.

Bedides that, he is a caring husband and s good provider, but he knows that the lies and his addiction kill me. I get extremely depressed and hope I just die, and he had seen it, still he continues the behavior. I am SO tired, more because of the lies than the addiction. I am so scared because I CAN SEE that HE DOES search for help... but 5 years after we are still in the same place and NOTHING works.

I am considering separation and even divorce. I cannot see an ending to this, we've tried everything. What should I do ?!?!

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'll be very blunt... considering divorce over an addiction is not good. People often say "Imagine being in their shoes!". I'd say that too. While having a spouse that looks at inappropriate content is painful, you have to remember its still an addiction. And one that is very VERY hard to stop. It rewires your brain and makes it hard to change it back.

Your mind is always like "Come on, one more look. It won't hurt!". You always want something new to see or you want that feeling of release. I know because I struggle too. Admitting you have an addiction is not easy, but getting rid of it is hard. Even if you attend meetings to get help, have programs installed to help you...etc. In the end you have to be willing to accept help from God. Doing it on your own is impossible.

I wish I had an easy answer for how to get him to stop. But there isn't one really. He just has continue to try. And while he may be lying its because its often hard to keep admitting to your spouse you messed up. Its painful really.

Just stay strong and pray he can over come it. Try not remind him of what a liar and bad person he is but instead embrace his forgiveness and pray for him. Tell him "We can get through this." Thankfully my struggle is pretty much done. I'm still not perfect but after years I'm beyond better then I used to be. like 98% free. It feels great to look back and see how much I've changed.

I think if a spouse is not supportive of their inappropriate content-addicted spouse, it may cause them to look even more because they become depressed and they fall into a worse cycle. Their brain may make them feel like "Well I feel bad as it is, might as well look and feel better!". Not thats an excuse to look of course.

 

[JanCS]

I'll be very blunt... considering divorce over an addiction is not good. People often say "Imagine being in their shoes!". I'd say that too. While having a spouse that looks at inappropriate content is painful, you have to remember its still an addiction. And one that is very VERY hard to stop. It rewires your brain and makes it hard to change it back.

Your mind is always like "Come on, one more look. It won't hurt!". You always want something new to see or you want that feeling of release. I know because I struggle too. Admitting you have an addiction is not easy, but getting rid of it is hard. Even if you attend meetings to get help, have programs installed to help you...etc. In the end you have to be willing to accept help from God. Doing it on your own is impossible.

I wish I had an easy answer for how to get him to stop. But there isn't one really. He just has continue to try. And while he may be lying its because its often hard to keep admitting to your spouse you messed up. Its painful really.

Just stay strong and pray he can over come it. Try not remind him of what a liar and bad person he is but instead embrace his forgiveness and pray for him. Tell him "We can get through this." Thankfully my struggle is pretty much done. I'm still not perfect but after years I'm beyond better then I used to be. like 98% free. It feels great to look back and see how much I've changed.

I think if a spouse is not supportive of their inappropriate content-addicted spouse, it may cause them to look even more because they become depressed and they fall into a worse cycle. Their brain may make them feel like "Well I feel bad as it is, might as well look and feel better!". Not thats an excuse to look of course.

Thank you so much for replying. Your message is very helpful because I really wished I knew how my husband feels and lives every day, but he doesn't really explains or doesn't know how to. Most times, he tries to do it only when une caught him, which makes it look like excuses at the time.
I've told him I want to help him, but for months I will ask him "how's everything? Have you struggled lately?? " the answer is most times "everything is going great" other times he tells me about someone he blocked because shared inappropriate content. But then that's it.

I'm so scared to continue trying to be supportive because I truly feel I am actually enabling him to continue the behavior. I tried being supportive LOTS of times, but he lied saying everything was controlled just for me to catch him in his lies and inappropriate content watching days after. Every time he tries new ways to access trying for me not to catch him. Thismakes me believe he'll just keep on trying until he really dodges the accountability apps.

What if he's not really committed in his heart and he's actually just making a fool of me ??

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Thank you so much for replying. Your message is very helpful because I really wished I knew how my husband feels and lives every day, but he doesn't really explains or doesn't know how to. Most times, he tries to do it only when une caught him, which makes it look like excuses at the time.
I've told him I want to help him, but for months I will ask him "how's everything? Have you struggled lately?? " the answer is most times "everything is going great" other times he tells me about someone he blocked because shared inappropriate content. But then that's it.

I'm so scared to continue trying to be supportive because I truly feel I am actually enabling him to continue the behavior. I tried being supportive LOTS of times, but he lied saying everything was controlled just for me to catch him in his lies and inappropriate content watching days after. Every time he tries new ways to access trying for me not to catch him. Thismakes me believe he'll just keep on trying until he really dodges the accountability apps.

What if he's not really committed in his heart and he's actually just making a fool of me ??

Well if hes really just making excuses and not feeling guilty then that is a really tough situation. Maybe tell him as a couple you want him to seek counseling with a pastor or christian psychologist. Maybe as a last ditch effort to see how bad he wants to change.

I also just realized you said he had a sexual affair with someone, must have missed that before. Its good that hes not done that again. Sex is crazy powerful in what it makes you want to do. I won't lie, I didn't have sex until 26 I believe. inappropriate content made me want to have sex so bad that I hooked up with a "christian" and we had sex.

I regret that every day. Thankfully I wasn't married yet to my wife or that would be even worse. I have no urges to have sex with anyone else. But still the call of inappropriate content is there. Maybe ask him when he looks. Find out his weakness.

For example if I only slept 4 hours and get up but start to get REALLY tired again. Thats when I tend to look. Its like I am so weak at that point that the devil finds the perfect crack to slip into. I've learned to avoid the net when that tired. Or to go watch a movie...etc. Knowing my weak moments that cause me to stumble really has helped me learn and get rid of this addiction much easier.

 

[JanCS]

Well if hes really just making excuses and not feeling guilty then that is a really tough situation. Maybe tell him as a couple you want him to seek counseling with a pastor or christian psychologist. Maybe as a last ditch effort to see how bad he wants to change.

I also just realized you said he had a sexual affair with someone, must have missed that before. Its good that hes not done that again. Sex is crazy powerful in what it makes you want to do. I won't lie, I didn't have sex until 26 I believe. inappropriate content made me want to have sex so bad that I hooked up with a "christian" and we had sex.

I regret that every day. Thankfully I wasn't married yet to my wife or that would be even worse. I have no urges to have sex with anyone else. But still the call of inappropriate content is there. Maybe ask him when he looks. Find out his weakness.

For example if I only slept 4 hours and get up but start to get REALLY tired again. Thats when I tend to look. Its like I am so weak at that point that the devil finds the perfect crack to slip into. I've learned to avoid the net when that tired. Or to go watch a movie...etc. Knowing my weak moments that cause me to stumble really has helped me learn and get rid of this addiction much easier.

I'm an very grateful for your responses and happy that you have overcome this challenge. I pray God bless you and your family. I truly hope my husband to be able to do so as well, even if something happened and I separated from him I really don't want this to be his whole life. It's just so hurtful when you know that your husband looks at other women sexually, its devastating and I feel my self worth, self esteem and hopes dessapearing.

I will truly appreciate your prayers for my husband and myself. Good bless you.

 

[Llleopard]

My first husband had a multitude of sexual deviances, as well as inappropriate content and having intimate encounters of many kinds with others during our marriage. I eventually decided that I did not want to be the kind of person I was becoming in order to survive- his addictions kind of twisted and forced me to become someone who checked up on him, looked through his browser history and pockets, accused and challenged him etc. It consumed my life as well as his, because it could not just be ignored unless I wanted to go insane, and I hated the person I felt I had to be in response to his behaviours. Everything, every action, every friendship, every word, every tv programme, every social event all had to be looked at through the lens of his addictions and where it would lead. We were married for 15 years, and it only ever got worse, even though he used to say he wanted to change. I finally decided that his addictions were overtaking my life. Filth was HIS choice, not mine and I just did not want that in my life. It was a terribly unhealthy and unsafe environment for our children as well. that was what eventually prompted me to leave. I now have a beautiful husband and have never looked back, except in regret that for so long I allowed my first husband to warp my (and our children's) life, opportunities, attitudes to intimacy, ruin our finances with addictions and mess with my head to a point that took many years to recover from. Like you, I loved my husband dearly and did not want to see him spend his whole life in filth - but that's what he has continued to do since then as far as I am aware. I truly feel your pain. It is VILE to feel that you are never good enough, never measure up, but simultaneously that you are playing a hideous condemning adult/parent role with someone who wants to 'outwit' you with their lying and cheating addictions....when you want an equal partner/headship and a decent marriage. Praying for you both.

 

[JanCS]

My first husband had a multitude of sexual deviances, as well as inappropriate content and having intimate encounters of many kinds with others during our marriage. I eventually decided that I did not want to be the kind of person I was becoming in order to survive- his addictions kind of twisted and forced me to become someone who checked up on him, looked through his browser history and pockets, accused and challenged him etc. It consumed my life as well as his, because it could not just be ignored unless I wanted to go insane, and I hated the person I felt I had to be in response to his behaviours. Everything, every action, every friendship, every word, every tv programme, every social event all had to be looked at through the lens of his addictions and where it would lead. We were married for 15 years, and it only ever got worse, even though he used to say he wanted to change. I finally decided that his addictions were overtaking my life. Filth was HIS choice, not mine and I just did not want that in my life. It was a terribly unhealthy and unsafe environment for our children as well. that was what eventually prompted me to leave. I now have a beautiful husband and have never looked back, except in regret that for so long I allowed my first husband to warp my (and our children's) life, opportunities, attitudes to intimacy, ruin our finances with addictions and mess with my head to a point that took many years to recover from. Like you, I loved my husband dearly and did not want to see him spend his whole life in filth - but that's what he has continued to do since then as far as I am aware. I truly feel your pain. It is VILE to feel that you are never good enough, never measure up, but simultaneously that you are playing a hideous condemning adult/parent role with someone who wants to 'outwit' you with their lying and cheating addictions....when you want an equal partner/headship and a decent marriage. Praying for you both.

Thanks for replying. I am really sorry you were through this too. You really explain how the wife feels. I am very scared because we all want to be the people who overcame this, but not everyone is able to make it. After 5 years I am considering if we are really going to get through this and if my husband is going to be one of the blessed men asi are able to free themselves from this terrible addiction.

My husband does not spend money on his addiction, I manage the finances and budgets for both of us, on that we are lucky because it hasn't caused us financial problems. Since he converted to Christ, in our intimacy he is attentive and loving, so I don't really see his addiction having an effect on our sex life. Anyways, our really does affect our relationship by totally killing our trust and my self esteem....

I am so confused because I see him getting help and doing what pomme would consider to be the things he is supposed to do, but after 5 years... would we have made progress??? Why is he still lying and hiding things relating his addiction even though he knows I'm on his side and willing to support him in this journey??? This makes me think, Does he really want to overcome his addiction?? Will he ever ??

It's so frustrating, I always tell him "it makes me so sad that you have everything it takes to help so many other men going through this, you're a good leader at the church already! You have so much potential if you could just overcome this"
But I am so hurt for all the lies and deception after everytime he makes me believe it has been long months since he last fell into temptation, only to find out once more he had been watching after two or three months of being "clean"...

What do you advice I could do??

 

[Llleopard]

Can you go with him to his counsellor and ask all those questions maybe? Have you been able to access any decent professional support for yourself so far? As the other poster said, you may need to give him an ultimatum as a last ditch - Five years is a hecking long time to see no change as your son lives in this environment and you are obviously suffering with no relief in sight. It is hard when they are 'good' husbands in other ways, but if their behaviours are destroying you then they are not actually good husbands. Trust is vital in marriage.