Hi,
I know I post a lot on here about my boyfriend, but he's my first boyfriend ever and so it's a new experience for me.
Our 1 year anniversary is next week. And I'm freaking out. I had decided months ago that I want to marry him (even though he's not sure yet). But now I'M not sure. I keep thinking, do I love him? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Do I trust him to raise our kids well?
Literally 2 days ago I was writing his happy anniversary card and getting emotional with how he loves me. But I have all these doubts and a funny feeling, even though we don't disagree on much (we are both Christians and we go to the same church).
Last night he hugged me and I felt such a rush of affection, it was so powerful. But today (and even last night some time before he hugged me) I'm having doubts. I would tell myself before, when I felt like I didn't love him, that I'm CHOOSING to love him, despite my feelings. But now I don't even want to choose that?? I used to think that getting married to him would help solve some issues, because then I would be in the safety of marriage and I wouldn't have this "do I stay or go" thought process. But now I don't want to marry him??
I see his picture pop up on my phone in the "memories" thing, and I feel affection, but I have all these doubts. I'm freaking out, like, "what if he gets me a pretty necklace for our anniversary, I'm not gonna feel the way I should about it."
I want to freak out and cry; why can't I just accept that we're a little different, but it's not the end of the world? I was so convinced I wanted to marry him! Why are my emotions going crazy? Why do I have this funny feeling that I can barely find an explanation for? I want to write, "I just want to love him" but I can't even write that. I have a hard time even saying I love you to him.
He's amazing and wonderful and cares about me so much. My emotions are going crazy though and I hate this uncertainty.
I know I post a lot on here about my boyfriend, but he's my first boyfriend ever and so it's a new experience for me.
Our 1 year anniversary is next week. And I'm freaking out. I had decided months ago that I want to marry him (even though he's not sure yet). But now I'M not sure. I keep thinking, do I love him? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? Do I trust him to raise our kids well?
Literally 2 days ago I was writing his happy anniversary card and getting emotional with how he loves me. But I have all these doubts and a funny feeling, even though we don't disagree on much (we are both Christians and we go to the same church).
Last night he hugged me and I felt such a rush of affection, it was so powerful. But today (and even last night some time before he hugged me) I'm having doubts. I would tell myself before, when I felt like I didn't love him, that I'm CHOOSING to love him, despite my feelings. But now I don't even want to choose that?? I used to think that getting married to him would help solve some issues, because then I would be in the safety of marriage and I wouldn't have this "do I stay or go" thought process. But now I don't want to marry him??
I see his picture pop up on my phone in the "memories" thing, and I feel affection, but I have all these doubts. I'm freaking out, like, "what if he gets me a pretty necklace for our anniversary, I'm not gonna feel the way I should about it."
I want to freak out and cry; why can't I just accept that we're a little different, but it's not the end of the world? I was so convinced I wanted to marry him! Why are my emotions going crazy? Why do I have this funny feeling that I can barely find an explanation for? I want to write, "I just want to love him" but I can't even write that. I have a hard time even saying I love you to him.
He's amazing and wonderful and cares about me so much. My emotions are going crazy though and I hate this uncertainty.