Once a SIer, always a SIer?

[Soulwings]

Once you've become an SIer, are you always going to be one? I don't mean in action necessarily - but are the thoughts and impulses always going to be there? Are you always going to be able to be triggered by certain songs or pictures or journal entries (or whatever else)? Is stress always going to cause you to want to revert back to self injury?

I would be interested to have your thoughts - and experiences - on this.

As for me personally - well, I'll post later.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I know I'm not the best person to post in here for obvious reasons (me not being and SIer and all...), but anyway .

April, I think you're right in a lot of ways - a person who has SIed in the past can be more likely to be triggered than those who haven't, but I think it's a matter of knowing what could trigger you and staying away from it. It doesn't mean you're destined to go back to it in the future and I'm sure the triggers do become weaker as time goes on. I don't know if I'd say once an SIer, always an SIer because it really can be beaten - more than just physically.

/me sneaks back out quietly.

 

[berry2000]

I don't think so. I have hope...that eventually the urges will subside and new behaviors and thought patterns can take over.

 

[chloeobrien]

Soulwings, I'm glad you posted this. I feel like it will always be a part of my life. I haven't hurt myself in almost 6 months, but the urges are there and really strong and keep getting stronger and I really want to give in and, I'm not sure it will ever be completely gone.

 

[squigglemonster]

I don't know. I believe the feelings can go away but they will never totally be gone. It can take a little trigger to bring them all back, just like it used to be. I know this through my ED. Once someone has an eating disorder, it's always there, whether it's in the front of their mind, the middle, or the back.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

I hope not... i hope they go away... im not sure though... sorry...

 

[Finn88]

i dunno, i was kinda wonderin if i had always BEEN an SI'r-u know, have i always been that way inclined, was it inevitable that i would choose this way of coping, are some more likely to start than others? u get me?
is this PART of me? i said this to a friend recently and he got quite frustrated with me...he thinks not! Its not part of me and i can beat it, but while i value his opinion over most other peoples, i struggle with that idea just now! I think it will always be there, if only because the scars are there to remind me...i know that wasn't particularly helpfull...sorry!

 

[Soulwings]

Thanks for your replies, guys.

I was wondering because for me, it's been almost three months. Seems like a long time to readjust thought patterns and all, even though in the bigger picture it really isn't. But I can still get triggered soo easily. Journal entries really get me. And when I'm stressed the first thing I think of is "where is the nearest sharp?" and then I realise that I can't use it even if it is nearby. I don't know. I don't want this to always be in my head. I guess only time will tell.

Squiggle, I know what you mean about the ED. For me, it's always there too ...

... but maybe if I don't act on either the SI or ED impulses for a long time, for the rest of my life, the triggers will get less?

Somehow I doubt that. But I don't know. I want to be able to look at the pictures, watch the movies, read the writings, and listen to the songs that are currently bad triggers for me. Someday. But I'm scared that they'll always be bad for me.

Sorry, I rambled.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I've been addicted to things in the past where every day things were a trigger for me too . I know it's possibly not the same and I'm not comparing experiences, but for me, the triggers have gotten to the point where I can think to myself, 'Oh no you don't. Don't even think about going down that path' - and it works. I don't go and put myself in situations that I know could trigger, but things have certainly become a whole lot easier over time.

One thing I have learned though is that there is always hope. Don't give up on that girls. There is always hope.

 

[mamalonglegs]

Hi Soulwings:
No you will not have impulses and urges the rest of your life. The longer that you go without S.I. the further away those thoughts etc..., will get. Why? Because your mind will be set on things that do not trigger you. That is the key my friend. The other major key is that you will hopefully take care of the emotions and feelings that are difficult to handle now and so easily trigger you to S.I. Once you learn how to respond to them in a healthy way they will no longer trigger you. Certain words and songs that are triggers will no longer have a hold on you either if they do not conjure up feelings or emotions that you don't want or like.
I have been injury free for 5 months now and have not had a single thought, urge, or impulse. My life still hasn't been all that easy. But I have learned other ways of dealing with the things that used to trigger me. It's okay now to go through those things because I know what to do to take care of myself.

Like Steffi said. There is always hope. At the same time I wish to say that recovery is a life long learning process. In a sense, we all are working on something. Remember, we are sinners saved by grace and will not be perfectly mature in Christ until we meet Him face to face. We will always be recovering from sin as long as we live on this earth. S.I. may go away forever. Something else will come up because we live in these mortal bodies. That's okay.
mamalonglegs Eph. 6:18

 

[mitiog]

It's been 708 days and each day is still a battle. Sometimes I get days that are fine and I hardly even think of cutting or hurting myself. Other days it seems that supermarkets are deliberately rearranging their shelves to put razors in my path, life is dead against me and I have huge urges to SI. It's in these darkest times that I question the point of it all but deep down I know that it is right to fight my urges to cut.

I dream of the day when SI is not an issue. For me, I think it will always be there, lurking in the back of the closet but then it's been my Number One coping strategy for 12 years and it's hard to get out of the habit of wanting to cut when things are bad or out of my control. I can honestly say that the desires to cut are not less now than they were when I was cutting several times a day. I wish I didn't have those desires because they're not very nice but all I can do is to fight them systematically in the power of the Spirit.

mitiog

 

[Im-revived]

Hi Soulwings,

Your not always going to be a SIer Love, it may seem like it now but im sure you won't. Therapists can help deal with the root issues of why you do it, and teach you ways of coping better. Try not to worry sweetheart.

Im-revived

Once you've become an SIer, are you always going to be one? I don't mean in action necessarily - but are the thoughts and impulses always going to be there? Are you always going to be able to be triggered by certain songs or pictures or journal entries (or whatever else)? Is stress always going to cause you to want to revert back to self injury?

I would be interested to have your thoughts - and experiences - on this.

As for me personally - well, I'll post later.

 

[0145xyz]

for me, my desires seem to be overall less. But definately still there. I don't see them going away for good unless maybe like in 20 years. But-you can see that as something that makes you strong! You still have the desire yet you resist. So don't be discouraged by it but encouraged-it shows how strong you can be when you put your mind to it. make sense?

 

[texannurse]

I think that the urges will always be there, in some way like a lost "friend" if I can use that analogy. I think the key though is learning how to live without it having the thoughts (which for me are still constant) and the urges and all that control what we do. Does that make sense?

Just my opinion! TN

 

[angelluv]

I am a past SIer. And I can tell you the urge doesn't seem to go away for me yet. I hope it does soon, but I don't think it will. I think it will always be there for you. And I haven't cut in 10 months. So Yeah it's hard. I hope that maybe just maybe it goes away soon.

 

[berry2000]

708 days! Wow. Cool

 

[mahalia]

i can see myself being shot for this, but here goes anyways.

YES I do think so. not as in the act. you're not gonna have urges for the rest of your life and you might stop cutting today and never ever ever SI again, but to me, that is still part of you. a person cannot hope to make a success of life if he or she doesn't know where they come from. you must know what made you and know what hurdles you have overcome. it provides strength and motivation for further hurdles.

think of it like this - an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. they might stop drinking, but they still refer to themselves as alcoholics, because it is part of them. as humans, we must accept that there are good and bad parts to us. you cannot be all good, because that defies the definition of being human.

i am not saying that being a cutter (or alcoholic or drug addict etc) is the epitome of what you are - quite the contrary, it is but one facet of your personality - a part that can and may and should become less and less prominent in you life. However, it is still part of you.

before tuesday, i hadn't cut in more than three months. quite some time ago my fave teacher and i had a real heart to heart... and i told her i'm a cutter. "i haven't cut in such a long time, but i am" she told me she knew. she'd always known. weird. but anyways.

what i'm saying is basically, mmmmh, how do i say this? ok, my one friend (26yrs old) is at a stage where she can read old journal entries, listen to "trip" songs and all these things - live a pretty normal life with its up and downs etc - and not feel the urge to cut. but she still calls herself a cutter.

look, it's just my opinion and it works for me. it helps. it's the same way that it helps certain people to keep counts of days since last SI'ing and others feel it brings them down. just my opinion didn't mean to confuse anyone.

God bless
Keep strong
Love always

 

[Soulwings]

Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. That's awesome, Mitiog. Even if it's still hard ... 708 days is amazing.

And I'm sorry that it's still so hard for all of you. I wish it wasn't, and I wish I knew that I could expect it to be easier for me. I wonder if it at all depends on how long you've SIed before quitting? I guess probably that's a "doh, yes" question, hmm.

But with God we can all overcome. And we will be stronger in the end.

 

[Im-revived]

Have you ever heard people say, "Things don't happen overnight" sweetheart, or Patience is a virtue. 10 months is excellant, but the more you doubt the possibility of having no urges the more you'll think you'll always have them. I spend many hours with sufferers like this, but have also been there myself, I was an SI er and bad for years starting from 11 ish, it was only by a later age I stopped, but still had urges and even had them for years, but don't let that frighten you. SI once help has begun etc theres stages and that begins from SIing then maybe getting help to find the root(reasons why), then theres longer times apart from doing it, then in time it stops, but you have urges, then the thought goes. Don't worry your on your way to recovery!!!

Im-revived

I am a past SIer. And I can tell you the urge doesn't seem to go away for me yet. I hope it does soon, but I don't think it will. I think it will always be there for you. And I haven't cut in 10 months. So Yeah it's hard. I hope that maybe just maybe it goes away soon.

 

[mitiog]

... the more you doubt the possibility of having no urges the more you'll think you'll always have them."

Thanks for this, Im-revived. I'd never thought of that. I've assumed that I'll always have urges to cut at some point. I can go for days without even thinking about it then at other times I can be almost constantly thinking about cutting myself. It'd be nice to believe that one day the thoughts just won't be there any more. It's certainly a goal to aim for. Right now it's hour by hour. It's just hard and horribly dark.

mitiog