Once a cheater always a cheater?

[Nevara]

So I did get cheated on... ugh.. the drama never ends. It's apparently not a one time thing for him, because he cheated on his last girlfriend with the same girl he cheated on me with. So I told him to boot the girl, and he MIGHT have a chance with me. But only IF I can see he has a COMPLETELY repentant heart. I dunno.... Sooo in your experience... once a cheater always a cheater? Or untrue?

 

[Monaleezza]

Totally untrue! I've cheated in the past. I was young and immature and at the time the consequences weren't great enough.

Now I've found the love of my life I'd NEVER consider it. I love him too much.

I've also been cheated on. (The worst experience of my life) and he managed to turn it around completely. He sought forgiveness from God and from me and our relationship went from strength to strength.

 

[MrsSeptemberPenguin]

no, i don't think once a cheater always a cheater, but in this case it sounds like a common problem for this guy, and I really wouldn't get back together with him. He needs to do some growing up before you should even consider it. I've been cheated on, it's not fun, and it is very hard on you. It can be really hard to get over your feelings for him. You need to consider if you can even trust him anymore. A relationship has to have trust, and without that there isn't much point. Just some thoughts, always feel free to PM me.

 

[Gardener101]

It's not always this case, but in yours I suspect it is. I am sorry you have to go through this.

x

G101

 

[Monaleezza]

Don't underestimate the power of God.
Unfortunately it seems as this guy is cheating with the same woman and over the period of at least 2 relationships. Does this mean he's actually had a long term affair as opposed to having cheated on one occasion?
Does he have any remorse? Does he have feelings for this other woman?
Do you believe you could trust him if it transpired that he was truly sorry?

 

[miss_klara]

As Monaleeza said, the fact that it's been the same woman both times is a concern. What's her story? Is there some reason he's not dating her? Is she an ex? Taken? A close friend? The 'one that got away'? The fact that he's been with her whilst in 2 other relationships really says something. Be super careful here....
If it was two miscellaneous girls, I'd be more optimistic, but it's obviously something about this girl...

That absolutely sucks for you, and I hope you can work it out

 

[plum]

I'm a fan of forgiving, but not staying in a relationship with someone who repeatedly sins, confesses, sins, confesses, etc... our actions have consequences and we all need to learn them one day or another.
not saying that's your situation, but that's just a small thought.

 

[joyouspirit]

I really don't believe that. Though in your case, it was the same with mine, I've hoped that he would leave the girl and get back with me. I waited too long. My ex wants so desperately to get back with me but unfortunately not for the right reason. I have forgiven him but I will not go back with him.

I am happy with my life now.

It's always a choice, for all of us. It is our choices that makes our life miserable. Pray for God's wisdom on this. Just want you to know at my very low moment in life, God was faithful to me and did not abandon me, be careful with your emotions.

God bless!!!

 

[ImperialPhantom]

So I did get cheated on... ugh.. the drama never ends. It's apparently not a one time thing for him, because he cheated on his last girlfriend with the same girl he cheated on me with. So I told him to boot the girl, and he MIGHT have a chance with me. But only IF I can see he has a COMPLETELY repentant heart. I dunno.... Sooo in your experience... once a cheater always a cheater? Or untrue?

Don't even give him a second chance. This situation is the kind that doesn't just go away, like that. Even if he doesn't cheat, you won't trust him, and you will have very good reason not to. At this point, the relationship is already dead. You won't respect him, either. Don't try to change people. It almost never works, and it would not be smart to try to be the exception to the rule. People can only change themselves.

Now I've found the love of my life I'd NEVER consider it. I love him too much.

So, what about that part in the relationship when the lovey feelings are mostly gone, because the relationship has entered the comfort zone? The honeymoon period doesn't last forever. What will you do then, if you meet another guy who happens to sweep you off your feet? Be honest.

 

[Monaleezza]

Some of this advice doesn't sound Christian. Second chances is what Christ is all about!

I'm not in the "lovely" phase. The honeymoon period HAS gone. We're now simply very much in love.

I had a friend who found out the week before her wedding that her fiance had cheated on her with another girl. She forgave him, they married and many years on they have a wonderful marriage and a beautiful daughter.

Do you really believe such an achievement is impossible for God? It takes time, it takes prayer, it takes a firm decision from both parties. Not all situations result in success, but not all result in failure either.

I wanted to practice true forgiveness, the forgiveness that Christ gives. Where He not only forgives but He also continues to love and embrace!

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy! It took time to learn to trust again. To know that he's out and about and not to worry who he may be with or what he may be doing.
It took time to truly forgive. But I wouldn't look back and this incident took our relationship from the "honeymoon" stage and made us both wise up and make firm decisions about what we wanted from our relationship and where we wanted to go.

I haven't cheated in this relationship, but even though we aren't married there isn't a man on earth who could wow me, not because he couldn't be more charming or more handsome, but because I've made a commitment and until Christ tells me to go back on that, I won't!

God is good and I wouldn't swap this relationship for any other.

 

[Gardener101]

Some of this advice doesn't sound Christian. Second chances is what Christ is all about!

Maybe....erm....you find people suffering the consequences of extra-marital affairs and tell them that they are not being Christian enough for wanting to protect themselves from more heartache?

I mean...hey....did Jesus not answer the question about DIVORCE and list cheating as just cause for seeking and granting one?

 

[Monaleezza]

Why would you assume that I don't know anyone or have never seen or empathised with someone that has suffered divorce or seperation as a result of adultery? I have!

Jesus teaches us to forgive not just once, not even twice but 70x7! But He is a realistic God and a God of compassion and He knows that adultery in a league of it's own when it comes to sin by man to man.

Divorce for adultery shouldn't necessarily be our first solution, but our last option! But when the person who commits adultery again and again does not seek God to forgive and strengthen them so they don't return to repeat the offence then I think it's right that the person divorce. Because they have no remorse and no desire to seek forgiveness or to be forgiven.

My concern is that here we give advice based on our experiences and our knowledge and generally act like Christian counsellors. I've given advice and also taken. I'm not a fount of all knowledge, but I do believe we have to be careful when we tell people to walk away from a relationship when the person is asking for forgiveness and the other person is considering offering it.

I noted the situation seemed suspicious, it's the same woman on at least 2 seperate occasions after all.
I would just hope we could all be a little more careful.

My 2 pennies worth. And.. I could be totally wrong afterall. I'm new here and the last thing I want to do is create waves, I just wanted to have an opinion.

..plans her escape route

 

[Nobility]

I understand where you are coming from girl... and I'm so glad I've been forgiven myself. I have cheated in the past, more than once I must add, and admittedly, I was also the girl who a guy cheated on his girl friend with for a LONG time.

I guess you have to look at it, and work it out. For example, are they good friends, or was it a girl at a bar when he was drunk? One is hard, the other is a big problem!

I know how much pain can be caused by cheating and I really do emphasise....

Whilst I agree that forgiveness must be given until we are married you ACTUALLY have no commitment that you need to be with this person. I think this dating and engagement period is actually to see there true character and decide one way or the other. It might be hard now, but how much harder would it be when you are fatter, 8 months pregnant and he says he's cheated again?

And the reality is, this does happen - it's not a made up fairytale to scare you off.....



END NOTE:

but because I've made a commitment and until Christ tells me to go back on that, I won't!

Are you actually married to this man? If not, there is no commitment that has been made, and it would be foolish to get married based on this commitment without fully realizing the effects that cheating can leave.

 

[Bunnymedic]

I guess I'm going to be one of the few who do believe in 'once a cheater,always a cheater'.
Of course God forgives and can make you into a new person.
But,this really doesn't happen that often.
Unless,he is totally repentant and seeks counseling to deal with his issues in infidelity (which I highly doubt he will do),he will most likely cheat again.
It's just the way cheaters are..
I've seen it time and time again at work and with my friends.
I wont date a cheater.If you have cheated in the past,I'm not risking my heart and emotions on you.

 

[Bunnymedic]

Is this the same guy you were dating when you made the posts "How to break the bond of sex" and "I wasn't raped but I didn't want to lose my virginity"?
If so,I think you should really get out of this relationship....

 

[n0va]

Personally I wouldn't take the risk of giving someone a second chance after that, its not really an *oops* mistake, it has usually been given some thot, and I think it would be hard trusting them again. Really need to be careful if ur staying with them i think..

 

[sunshineray]

I don't think that once someone cheats they are always a cheater. I've had friends cheat before, but now that they have found good, strong relationships, that isn't something they have done again.

However, I think it is very important you take some time away from your boyfriend. He might change, but I always see the chances of someone cheating again as higher if they continue to date the same person. I view cheating as someone saying "I'm not happy". So he isn't happy with you right now. In the future, he may change. But for now, there is absolutely no reason you should be together.

 

[Nobility]

This is something that really bothers me. A person makes a commitiment and someone else argues with them about whether they have made a commitment!

I may not have explained myself very well.... I'm not arguing whether she's made a commitment - i believe for sure that she has... I'm just saying it is a commitment that she can get out of.

NO where in the bible does it say you cannot break up with a boyfriend. It does talk against divorce however. If you are in a relationship that may be heading for divorce, it is a good thing to consider getting out before you has no alternitives but staying in it.

In saying this, I know I'm married, and whilst my husband never cheated, I was going to get out of this relationship many times. My mum told me at the start that engagement was a period BEFORE marriage where you can still look at the persons character and decide whether it is someone you could handle living with day after day. Especially because flaws have a tendency to produce themselves at a higher rate in married.

 

[Monaleezza]

Nobility, to answer your question, "no, I'm not married"
But I'm not waiting until my wedding day when I'm standing at the altar to make a commitment to my boyfriend.
I've made that commitment already.

I just haven't done it officially. When we get engaged I'll reaffirm my commitment. And when we get married I'll seal it!
But in the meantime, I'm in a loving committed relationship and that means I'm commited not to date others, not to cheat on him, to love him and to care for him... and the rest

I'm not worried about "getting out". Where did that come from?
Of course if I wanted out, I could simply walk away. But I believe God wants us to be together and so as I said before, "until God says otherwise..." I'm staying put.

 

[Nobility]

Sorry there.. I just was a little confused

This line must have confused me a little!

So I told him to boot the girl, and he MIGHT have a chance with me.