Newly married and just found out some horrible stuff!!! Please help!!

[Pagejc88]

Hi

I have been browsing the internet endlessly and have found various resources such as the book 'Unfaithful" by Gary and Mona Shrivers to be a big help.. I am in desperate need for help... Let me explain our story a bit..

My wife and I got married on the 29th March 2014... We were deeply and madly in love... or so I thought...

We dated for about 2 years before, She broke it off in the middle of that for about 7 months... because she felt I wasn't loving her the way she should.. She also felt unhappy in our relationship.

There is a 5 year gap between us... I am 25 and she is 20.

In September this year, I found out (by seeing some stuff on her phone and laptop) that she was having an emotional affair with someone from an overseas country.. They have never met personally, but have known each other for the past 3 years on and off...there relationship seems to be very intense and very real... Real in the sense that they both care and love each other deeply and are able to communicate with ease... She is the one who initiated their relationship... She has said that he makes her feel good and is always supportive and loves her truly... He knows she is married now, but insists he is in love with and that he will always be...

After confronting her about this (6 months into the marriage), she confessed everything... Packed up her stuff and said she didn't know how to tell me but she doesn't love me anymore... She loves the other guy... and wishes to move out from our home as soon as possible... I was able to beg and plead with her to not go just yet, we were able to get an emergency counselling session with one of our churches councillors that same day... During that session, she agreed to stay, to stop communicating with the other guy... but only a few days later she unfortunately continued the communication..

This is where I put my foot down and walked out... Up to that point, I was fighting alone to save the marriage... she hadn't yet even acknowledged her wrong doing nor was she repentant..

I spent a few days away, and she decided to get away to another city for a few days to think about what she wanted to do... During this time I felt strongly to leave the situation alone... which I did... After about a week, she contacted me and after meeting with her I could see her remorse, sadness about everything that had just happened... She was really repentant...

She acknowledged that she has a psychological problem of not being able to communicate well when face to face... She also acknowledged that she used the virtual relationship with the other guy as a way to escape from the problems we had in our marriage (Me not showing her the sufficient amount of love she needed... or me not speaking her love language the way she wanted... or me not prioritising her...)

A few other important points that I will mention are:

- She lost every male figure in her life (dad, grandad, brother, etc) due to death, or other life circumstances... Her psychologist thinks this is why she seeks solace in the virtual relationships she has encountered and doesn't give 100% in a relationship with me... because she fears subconsciously I will leave. [I really don't know what to think of that... but anyway...]

- she was diagnosed with vaginismus around the same time that I confronted her with the emotional affair... For the first 6 months of our marriage (well actually till now) we were unable to consumate the marriage due to the fact that she felt excruciating pain when we tried sexual intercourse... I never forced my way or did anything to harm her, but this proved a vitally bad factor as we were never able to bond pshyically and I believe she subconsciously blamed me and withdrew away from me for the pain she felt... Vaginsmus is a psychological problem that effects the body psychically... It contracts the pelvic muscles because of some psychological trauma or event.

Right now, about 1 month after these heart wrenching details have come to light... we are living together, she is getting psychological help at least once a week... She realizes that she needs help and healing, which I have told her is more important than our marriage right now... She has stopped communicating with the other guy permanently.. I think she realizes the foolishness of that virtual relationship, no matter how good it was or how loved she felt by him...

We haven't really even started our marriage, and this is where we are... I want to fight for this marriage and get it to a place where it should be... But i fear that it is now too late... That there is so many other things that have played a part in destroying something that hasn't even really started... her psychological issues, my lack of prioritising her, her infidelity, the medical condition vaginsmus...

Right now she isn't prioritising healing our marriage... She is focused on getting her own healing (Which is great!) But part of me is frustrated and asks 'Well, what about me? What about our marriage?' She still says she doesn't love me, and isn't going to say it to just say it... She wants to make sure...

I guess I want to know if I should wait for her to get 'healed'? I don't know how long it will take... 3 months... 6 months... 2 years... I don't know... But what am I supposed to do for that time?? We are basically just roommates at the moment... We have agreed on a few boundaries that should be in place while she gets her head straight and her healing...

I have started reading the book Unfaithful, but right now it seems not applicable to us because I am the only one who wishes to work and improve on the marriage... Hope this makes sense!


Any thoughts would be so appreciated!!!

Blessings!!!

 

[ToBeBlessed]

If she is improving herself and getting help, I don't understand how this would not make the marriage better? She does have quite a few issues, but the one that was really a problem to your marriage was her emotional attachment to someone which she has broken off.

Big steps have been made by her and it should show you that she is committed to change and figuring things out. If you go through this WITH her, it will only make your bond stronger.

God bless you both.

 

[JCLover779]

Yes. I think you should wait and give it more time.

She is young. And *true* change takes time. She can make some behavioral changes now (for example, she stopped commuicating with the other guy), but her heart and mind or going to take a while to catch up. She might fail - and probably will backslide again. But you want to watch for overall forward progress. I know you want to move on with your life (preferably with her), but can you commit yourself to at least 6 months and see where it goes from there? Even if you decide to divorce, you are still going to have to go through that time, and I think it would be best spent waiting on her.

I had vaginismus, too. I didn't have the best relationships growing up (I still rarely communicate with my parents) and bonding was and is hard. I still deal with these issues today. I can see why she is using this other guy as an escape. I'm not sure if or when I will ever heal. So...I don't know what to tell you about her. I can't offer you rosy promises. But I do think that if you are willing to work with her and accept that this is her shortcoming, partly due to circumstances that happened to her, you can still have a happy marriage. Even if you move on, the next girl is going to have a new set of shortcomings.

Can you two write to each other? Do you think she could or would express herself better that way?

 

[JCLover779]

I mean - What if you suggested that you two write to each other as if you were two people just meeting on the internet? If you are only acting as roommates right now, maybe you can have a "separate life" together and agree not to talk about the things you write to each other when you see each other in person. Maybe you could propose this to her in person. Or send her a message and ask her? (Which might seem a little romantic, too.) You seem to communicate well in words, and she obviously felt safe that way. It might allow both of you to get out the feelings in your hearts.

 

[dayhiker]

At 20 she is young and immature. So there is a lot of growing up for her to do.

If you leave that will just be another male she will feel has failed her.

Sorry you aren't getting to consummate your marriage. First, there are a lot of intimate touch you can do that are not intercourse that you and her will find very meaningful and probably healing as well.

Secondly, I think it would be good for both of you to learn some communication skills.

So I think while she is working on her personal issues, to find a councilor who can lead you in exercises for those skills apart from her personal work would be really good.

 

[LinkH]

Wow! That's quite a set of challenges you have.

As far as whether you should leave her or not. NO. Don't do that. If you divorce her and marry someone else, you'll be committing adultery. Is she a believer? Now is a good time to strengthen your faith.

Our culture puts a lot of emphasis on love. That's good. Jesus emphasized love. The Bible emphasized love. A problem arises when the idea of 'love' in our culture is not the same thing as love in the Bible. Your wife has probably seen a lot of fairy-tale romances and expects to have a certain set of feelings she's experienced herself or vicariously through watching a movie. When you get married, living with a real live human being can be difficult.

I'd lay off of asking her if she loved you. Even her, I don't think she should focus on that. You'll want to have passion in your marriage and she can pray for that. But, IMO, her sitting around thinking whether she loves you or not, and thinking she ought to leave if she doesn't is just plain stupid. I also think it's stupid for a man to leave his wife just because she tells him her feelings and says she isn't in love with him. That's sad news, but it's not a reason to leave.

I heard a preacher say once that someone asked him what he would do if he woke up one morning and realized he didn't love his wife. He said he'd get down on his knees and pray to God and repent until he did love his wife. The Bible commands husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church.

Love isn't necessarily butterflies in the stomach, feeling almost high from hormones. Strong romantic love is a beautiful thing. Proverbs 5 tells a man to be intoxicated with his wife's love. It can feel like that at times. That's a good thing, and something you want in your marriage. You may want your marriage to be 'based on love.' But love isn't just about having butterflies or a warm fuzzy feeling. Part of love is willingness to give, sacrifice, and be committed.

Your wife has abandonment issues. You are to love her as Christ loved the church. So dig in and decide you are committed for life. If she senses that you are really there for her for life, that will help her commit, heal. I could help with the sexual issues. Also, you be the leader. If you are totally committed to the marriage, it's easier for her to. You've given her an example to follow. There is also the pride issue of where she may be either afraid of hurting her pride or just getting hurt emotionally if she commits more than you do, and you back out on her. So commit to the marriage like you actually did when you got married anyway. Communicate that to her and let her sense that. Then she'll be in a 'safe place' to commit to you and move forward to deal with these issues.


She had an 'emotional affair' over the Internet and that's bad and a betrayal, but it sounds like she didn't sleep with the guy. It only went so far. Let her know you are there for life and you expect the same for her. If adultery is a deal-breaker, you might hint at that. But she needs to know you will be there for her. If you take that position, if she talks about leaving, you can take the stance that it's immoral for her to do that, not just because of how she's treating you, but, if she's a believer, because she's not following the teachings of the Lord.

As far as the sexual issues go, the doctors can recommend treatments to get her prepared for what she needs to do. It must be maddening to be a newly wed for so long who has never done the deed. I would not have liked that one bit either if I were in your shoes. But there were ways you can be intimate together without doing anything painful that can help prep her for when her issue is straightened out.

She has violated your trust and it just makes sense to have openness with each other to help protect against affairs. Back when I was younger and less married-looking, there were women who seemed to have an interest in me. I'd let my wife know. My wife gets Facebook friend requests from men who seem a bit too friendly. Then she posted a picture of us together and still go them. She doesn't accept friend requests from people she doesn't know, and she let me know about requests like this. I know her passwords, and she can have mine (she forgets and asks if she needs them.) I think you should have an understanding that you'll have her telephone password, etc. going forward and keep that as an ongoing thing in the relationship.

 

[DZoolander]

Look at that - I agree with Link. lol

Well said.

 

[Pagejc88]

Hi all!

Thank you so much for the replies and advice!!! Much appreciated!!

I am committed to this marriage.. Had a few days to digest and think. It will be stupid and selfish for me to leave now. I can see that she is trying her best to get out of the hole she has dug for us, and like you all have said in some way or the other, I should look for overall improvement... I agree!

@JCLover779 - Can I ask how did you manage to overcome your condition (Vaginismus)? Did you go to a gynaecologist or psychologist? Any other advice you can give me regarding the condition and how it might affect her relationships? Also, writing is an option for us... We will try it out and see how it goes.. Thank you for that suggestion!!

@dayhiker - We have tried the intimate touches to replace penetrative intercourse, but at this point, she wants space, she says she feels pressured to focus on the marriage if we try anything to get intimate... I sort of understand where she is coming from and I have decided to play it cool for a few weeks until she is ready to get intimate again...
The idea that we need counselling for communication is a great idea! I think once she is ready to get couples counselling that is something I will stress... Thank you for that idea!

@LinkH - Yes, she is a believer... According to her own confession she hasnt been close to Jesus as she would have liked to be lately... So this time is also for her to get closer to Him... We are actually talking about taking 6 months away to do a YWAM DTS (Not sure if anyone knows what that is... But its discipleship school focused on knowing God, character building, etc...) She is the one who came up with the idea of time away from our family and friends, eveyrthing that represents 'pressure' and I believe that will be good for us as well... For both our healings...
We have also decided to share all our social media accounts and passwords for more transparency...

To all those who responded, THANK YOU!!!! Your thoughts, idea's and comments have given me much food for thought and insight into our situation!!!

I am going to stay committed and walk the road with her... I cant back out just because she doesn't say 'I love you'.. She has already shown some serious signs of moving forward and I cant ignore those.. I will post updates to let you guys know how things are going... Would be great if you guys could keep us in your prayers and if someone has any other thoughts or insights, I would appreciate them!


Blessings!!

 

[Niffer]

I don't have any real advice that wasn't already said, but I am praying for you, and really hoping that you can get through this together, and be stronger for it.

Peace,
~ Niffer

 

[JCLover779]

I went to a gynecologist, who sent me to physical therapy for a procedure called biofeedback. It was new back then, and I worried that it was "non-Christian" because it dealt with overcoming your mind. Basically, they hook you up to electrodes that monitor your muscle contractions and you learn how to relax your muscles by watching the screen. Then you practice in between visits (NOT during intimate times). It worked very well for me, but it took a while. And back then, my insurance did not cover it (I don't know if they do now), so it cost us a couple thousand dollars. It's a shame that I had to pay for that - because I had the condition due to things that had been done to me as a child. The good news for you is that it can work. I do not find sex painful at all (and actually like the feel of it), though even now I have to use the relaxation technique when I go to the doctor's office, and the exams are usually difficult. My condition back then was so bad that she said I was the worst case she had ever seen, and my contractions were off the top of the screen. She was sure that what happened to me is worse or there was more than I remember. I had never even been able to use a tampon before that. You are correct that there is a lot of psychological aspects to having the vaginismus, and your wife likely needs some help with that. I'm not one to go to mind-therapists (have never gone to one), but there can be a place and if she finds it helpful, it might be worth it for you. My choice was to go with something physical that I could work on.

It took us 2 years to consummate our marriage. It would have taken less than that if I had gone to therapy sooner. I can't remember exactly, but I think it was 4-6 months, with a PT visit every 2-4 weeks. And they were spread out that far b/c of work schedules and that we had to drive so far for the appointments. But it does take time to develop the new patterns. You are not alone in this. While it is not a common thing, it is not uncommon. You may feel alone because it's a hard thing to talk about with anyone (much easier on the internet). There are other things you can do together to make sure your needs are met in the mean-time - and hers as well.

It seems to me from what you have written that she is checking out. Whether it is a defense mechanism to protect herself emotionally, or because she truly does not connect with you, I don't know. And this is going to be a challenge for you, but I think you should put everything you have into it (which also includes being patient). If you can get through this together, it will be an awesome thing for both of you. She has walls that need breaking through.

I really identify with your wife and I struggle every day, all day, because I don't want to be in my marriage. My husband is a good guy, too. I don't know if this is because I have a hard time bonding (I see it in other relationships as well) - so that indicates to me that a lot of it is me - and yet, I *can* bond, and I have a desire to bond - and I don't believe we should be bonding with everyone. So it's also very likely that I just do not connect with my husband. So I try to make sure my actions support what I should be doing and my faith, and not just what I want to do.

I think, though, that for you and your wife, the best thing would be to connect emotionally - because without that, she is going to keep checking out. The communication counseling is a really good idea, though I admit that I haven't done it and don't want to. If she *wants* to do it, that would be a very good sign for you. Even if she takes a while to think about it, it's good.

If you can write to each other, really get into it as "meeting someone new" that you haven't seen. You can, after the first couple times, for example, ask her to describe what she looks like. If you can get into a persona like that with writing, it may help you get to some of the things that go on in her head, that she really wants to share but has too many walls to do so. This may be me projecting my own experiences onto hers, and she may not be that way. But since I can relate to what you have said about her, there's a good chance she desperately *wants* that kind of relationship.

Also - I am suggesting writing to each other because she now has a void from writing to the other guy - and you need to fill that void. I don't know if you want to tell her that, though. It would be hard not to be mad at the other guy, but try to look at him instead as having offered you an opportunity in learning about your wife and how you might be able to help/reach her.

 

[JCLover779]

And, yes, I am praying for you two.

 

[Pagejc88]

JCLover779 - Thank you for that! I see that my wife and you have similiar stories and I will keep you in my prayers as well!


I've been reading a few other posts on the site and I am honestly amazed and shocked at what some other people have been going through in their marriages! Even though I feel as if my situation is bad, I am honestly thankful that it hasn't gone so far and so bad that it's hopeless!

Its been a few days now... So far so good... I am not putting any pressure on her, she feels relaxed and is doing her best to heal... I can see and sense that. She goes for psychologist appointments every week, they don't really seem to be helping at the moment, but I think time will tell...

A question to everyone... We have been discussing our trip to YWAM to do a discipleship course together... My wife says she would like to go alone, so she can focus on her healing and getting closer to God personally without the pressure to worry or focus on the marriage...
Do you think thats a wise idea? I would like to go, because 1) I would like to be part of the healing process 2) I would like to get closer to God myself and 3) I wouldn't want her to start a new friendship with some other guy that could bring even more problems into our lives... know what I mean??

She isn't sure whats going to happen after the DTS, she might not want to come back, she might say she doesn't want to be married anymore... so basically, do I set her free and give her the 6 months alone to find God and trust her during that time? Or do I go with her and try my best to give her the space she needs?

Any thoughts would be appreciated...

 

[JCLover779]

My gut feeling is that no, she should not go separately. I think all your reasons are legitimate concerns. I don't think you should insist that you go with her - but rather that both of you don't go at this time.

I could see how her wanting to be alone to think and pray when a marriage is struggling could be a good thing, but that doesn't really gel with a discipleship program. And I don't think YWAM would be overly excited about her coming to the program knowing the situation.

 

[jannikitty]

I don't see how she can function well and grow at YWAM (where they learn to serve) when there is a great big elephant in the room. And YWAM is not a place where there is that much elephant room. Healing happens there all the time; but it is always part of the discipleship process learned in that community atmosphere. I spent some weeks there taking counseling and leadership seminars several years ago. Mainly I remember getting up very early to do intercessory prayers with a small group. That set the tone and practice of intercessory prayer for me ever after. My husband did not come since he had to stay home to work; but I was only there three wonderful weeks so workable. It helped my marriage because it helped me; but that is surely not why I went there. YWAM is all about service and mission ministry..and centers around youth and leadership. Not a therapy place for troubled marriages.

Keep in mind that you could get an annulment since the marriage has not been consummated. It is an option and may be the only way to get on with your life and maybe for her to get the help she needs in order to enter into any true marriage and all that means. Sounds like a tough situation. Prayers for you both.

 

[seeingeyes]

Look at that - I agree with Link. lol

Well said.

Yeah, I dunno. I'm kinda leaning the other way on this. The OP is basically propping up a woman who seems to have no interest in him at all. What happens when she heals and finds herself or whatever and is strong enough to leave? It's bye-bye birdie.

There just doesn't seem to be much relationship to save.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, that's the thing.

I don't think you should base your behaviors on what is most conducive to keeping the relationship together. Sometimes, you very well may do what's best for that other person, and it puts them in a position where they'll want to leave.

Let's say they married you due to some gross insecurities and shortcomings in their life. Ought you to selfishly promote those things in order to keep the dynamic going where they stay with you? Or...should you do your best to eliminate those shortcomings on the other individual's part and run the risk that they might discover that you just don't have as much in common as they thought?

Basic human decency, IMHO, dictates that you should do what's best for that other person on the grand scale regardless of possible outcome. If that ends up meaning "healthy person says bye bye birdie" - how is that really any worse than "insecure neurotic potential cheater stays in sham of a marriage out of fear"?

At least you've done the right thing by propping them up as much as you can, being the best and most supportive spouse as possible during the time you're together, etc... Hopefully that would be recognized and be a source of a different kind of love going forward. Maybe it won't. But either way, I think it's the right thing to do.

 

[seeingeyes]

Well, that's the thing.

I don't think you should base your behaviors on what is most conducive to keeping the relationship together. Sometimes, you very well may do what's best for that other person, and it puts them in a position where they'll want to leave.

Let's say they married you due to some gross insecurities and shortcomings in their life. Ought you to selfishly promote those things in order to keep the dynamic going where they stay with you? Or...should you do your best to eliminate those shortcomings on the other individual's part and run the risk that they might discover that you just don't have as much in common as they thought?

Basic human decency, IMHO, dictates that you should do what's best for that other person on the grand scale regardless of possible outcome. If that ends up meaning "healthy person says bye bye birdie" - how is that really any worse than "insecure neurotic potential cheater stays in sham of a marriage out of fear"?

At least you've done the right thing by propping them up as much as you can, being the best and most supportive spouse as possible during the time you're together, etc... Hopefully that would be recognized and be a source of a different kind of love going forward. Maybe it won't. But either way, I think it's the right thing to do.

I agree that's it's the most generous thing, but lets face it, how long would you stay with your wife if she stopped all sexual interaction, wouldn't so much as say "I love you" now and again, and refused to even attempt to work on the marriage, basically shutting down any communication at all in that direction?

 

[DZoolander]

Not long, truthfully. There would have to be some give and take. There's nothing to be gained by being a doormat.

As long as there was a true willingness on her part to TRY - that's the direction I'd take. However if it was just abundantly clear that she had no interest in working on her part of the marriage - the generous stuff would be pretty short lived.

Heck - in my first marriage where she was getting into all the deviant sexual behavior stuff - I sat her down and just asked point blank...

"What do you want?"

"I like what I'm learning about this stuff...but I don't want to lose the marriage"

"Well, that's the direction we're heading. Do you have any intention of stopping?"

"I don't know. I really like it."

"How long would you envision it taking for you to 'learn' whatever you need to 'learn' in order to make a decision?"

"It could take 2-3 years."

"So basically, you're asking me to sit around and remain the dutiful husband while you explore what I consider to be a perversion, just on the off chance that after a few years you might decide that you don't want to continue down that road, and then can resume where you left off?"

"I wouldn't put it that way."

"But, that is kinda the crux of it."

"Yeah"

--- and I filed for divorce the next day.

I dunno. I think it's important to be clear on what's going on - what the chances are of recovery - what the other person truly wants (because that's what they're gonna do) - and move from that point.

 

[Hetta]

Okay, this woman isn't "stopping sexual interaction". She has a genuine and very painful medical complaint. While there are other things that can be done other than PIV, this condition isn't something that any woman chooses to experience.

 

[Hetta]

JCLover779 - Thank you for that! I see that my wife and you have similiar stories and I will keep you in my prayers as well!


I've been reading a few other posts on the site and I am honestly amazed and shocked at what some other people have been going through in their marriages! Even though I feel as if my situation is bad, I am honestly thankful that it hasn't gone so far and so bad that it's hopeless!

Its been a few days now... So far so good... I am not putting any pressure on her, she feels relaxed and is doing her best to heal... I can see and sense that. She goes for psychologist appointments every week, they don't really seem to be helping at the moment, but I think time will tell...

A question to everyone... We have been discussing our trip to YWAM to do a discipleship course together... My wife says she would like to go alone, so she can focus on her healing and getting closer to God personally without the pressure to worry or focus on the marriage...
Do you think thats a wise idea? I would like to go, because 1) I would like to be part of the healing process 2) I would like to get closer to God myself and 3) I wouldn't want her to start a new friendship with some other guy that could bring even more problems into our lives... know what I mean??

She isn't sure whats going to happen after the DTS, she might not want to come back, she might say she doesn't want to be married anymore... so basically, do I set her free and give her the 6 months alone to find God and trust her during that time? Or do I go with her and try my best to give her the space she needs?

Any thoughts would be appreciated...

Let her go. If she finds another guy during what is supposed to be a healing process, your question is answered. At least you will have your question answered early, before you waste any further time.

I hope it doesn't happen that way, but if it does, then she was never going to stay anyway.