New Relationship Advice- Am I doing this right?

[Cavalier83]

Greetings!


A couple of weeks ago, I started a relationship with a girl I have been good friends with 3-4 years. Things started to change, and we became official last month!

The quality is the least of my concerns! Since we both have demanding work/school schedules, we set aside time for Saturdays.

Whenever we met up this morning, she suggested that we needed to scale it back to one romantic outing a week. It's already gotten to 3-4.

This is where I've come to you guys for advice!

1. Waiting for a text response. She's always good about getting back but if one of us is tied up, I can get super-anxious.

2. Fear of being dumped. Since a serious relationship is new grounds for both of us, I somehow tend to get paranoid about losing her.

3. Should I be concerned about her scaling it back at this stage??

Any advice is tremendously helpful!

C83

 

[cutie cookie]

It doesn't hurt to be scaling it back at this stage. It can give you room to really breathe and settle in the relationship without going overboard with infatuation, aka the "honeymoon" phase. If you are getting really anxious all the time about not receiving text messages or about being dumped, I suggest scaling back is not a bad thing because you need time to really grow, develop, and mature. In a relationship, you must have faith and trust in not only the other person, but in yourself, meaning, you won't be scared of losing her and you are confident in yourself that you are valuable and can contribute to the relationship. Furthermore, with regards to your work/school schedules, it's also not a bad idea to just focus on stabilizing your lives first. Some people can date really easily and well while going to school/working, others can't. You two need to discuss what works for the BOTH of you. She needs to understand your concerns and you need to understand hers and meet somewhere in the middle as much as possible.

Bottom line is that I think you need more confidence in yourself and you need to boost up your self esteem. As well, you should also be open with her and express your fears to her and what you think about scaling it down to one romantic outing a week. Listening, understanding, and compromising is key to the beginnings of a relationship good luck!

 

[JAM2b]

3-4 times a week is a bit much for responsible, busy adults. Once a week is appropriate for dating.

I think as your relationship continues and the two of you grow together, have conflicts you are able to resolve and still stay together, get to know each other in new ways, etc, the anxiety about texting delays and fear of losing the relationship will diminish. It is normal to be anxious in a new relationship, even if it is someone you have known for a long time. This is new territory for you two together. Time will cause trust to grow and anxiety to lessen.

You should resist impulses that will make you behave in possessive ways, and allow space and some time apart between dates. You need down time from each other so you can assess and keep level headed about your relationship. Don't create a situation where the two of you lose yourselves in the relationship. You need to still have individual lives.

 

[Cavalier83]

Thank you guys for taking the time to respond. I'm sad to say that it has been a couple of months since we have broken up.

Ironically, having one date a week worked out pretty well. I feel our relationship was growing and peaking, and our families really got along. (They met on Easter, and seemed to hit it off.)

It wasn't until the final two weeks of the relationship, when things started changing. She came back from a week-long trip, and started behaving differently. Days later, she called, crying and said "we are in different places".

She thought I was getting too far ahead of her, and that dating didn't feel right since she would soon study for the bar exam (which she is doing right now) and she will be moving soon after for a year-long internship. Upon making the breakup statement, her voice was so muffled by tears- I couldn't even make sense of what she was saying.

Days later, it became apparent that she had a few too many conversations with certain people that had to do with her internship. All was well until people got in her head, or so I'm hearing.

We have since been out of contact, excluding a couple of texts on her birthday. I really can't bother her now since she is two weeks away from the bar. I did run into a family member of hers, and she told me her life has since been rough. (Bar exam, and other personal issues)

Since she is anti-casual dating, I really don't think there's another guy involved. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel there was something special between us. (I really liked her friends, family, Church, etc...). It was also the first major relationship for us both. We were close friends for three years prior, and our dates were off the charts- since our personalities clicked so well.

Any advice on what to do? If the relationship itself didn't work out, being away has worked a whole lot less!

 

[redblue22]

Leave her alone for as much as possible. She wants space and no connection to you, so give it to her. You seem to want more time together, and you would do well to find someone who wants to give and get the same as you. I hear you saying that you want someone who is available and can actually put you first.